Tasting Fear

by Shannon McKenna

  “It’s sweet of you to say so,” she managed.

  “Sweet has nothing to do with it.”

  She giggled. “Now who’s defensive when I call him sweet?”

  “You don’t believe me.” His voice was incredulous.

  A hot blush stained her face. “I, uh, appreciate the compliment. Really, I do. But it’s not a matter of believing or not believing. It’s just that beauty is such a subjective thing. So it doesn’t mean anything.”

  He looked baffled. “Subjective, my ass. What’s not to understand? Beautiful is beautiful.”

  She rushed on. “What does it mean, to tell someone she’s beautiful? Men have told me that I was beautiful before. They changed their minds when they met someone they thought was more beautiful. By comparison, I suddenly became less beautiful. That sucks, by the way, when you look into your boyfriend’s face and realize that your stock just went down the toilet.”

  “Nancy,” he said gently.

  “Who knows what a person sees when he looks at another person? It changes with his mood, the weather, what he ate that day! How beautiful would I look to you after I’d annoyed you for a while by popping my knuckles, or slurping my soda, or whatever grates on you? Telling me I’m beautiful is meaningless. So don’t do it. You’d have more luck coaxing me into bed if you stayed away from the whole subject.”

  “You think that’s what this is about? Just getting you into bed?”

  She swallowed over a lump in her throat. Doing it again, with him. Babbling nonsense, like an idiot.

  “Be quiet for a second.” His voice was as soft as drifting smoke. He reached out and plucked a spray of miniature orchids out of a vase on the end table by the couch. She’d bought them the week before, in honor of Lucia, who had always loved them. Deep pink, spotted with purple, luminous and mysterious. “Are these beautiful?”

  “Yes,” she said without hesitation.

  “How do you know they are?”

  She chewed her lip, sensing a trap. “I don’t know. I couldn’t say. I’m not the poetic type. They just are.”

  He tucked the sprig back into the vase and stroked a petal with his fingertip. “That’s my point. You don’t have to be poetic. Just look at them. Shut up, and really look at them. And you know. You feel it. Right here.” He put his hand on his chest. “They just are.”

  She gazed at him, hypnotized as his finger stroked the lambent curve of the blossom.

  She tried it. Exactly what he suggested. She shut up, the talk, the worries, the fear, the clamorous noise in her head. She just looked at him as he touched that flower. He gazed back at her, those clear, light eyes endlessly patient, and gentle. Waiting for her to get it. He reached out, touched her cheek, as softly as he’d touched the flower.

  And suddenly…ah. She got it. She knew. Right in her chest, just like he said. Oh, yes. He was beautiful. He shone. Like a jewel.

  The realization pierced, burned, like a knife in her chest, turning.

  This was against all her rules, all her better judgment. The power dynamic was whacked, wrong. He was the one who had saved her. He was the one offering protection and comfort. She was the one who was desperately in need of it. He had everything, she had nothing. She couldn’t even guarantee him a good time in bed to compensate him for his trouble, with all her sexual hang-ups. A crass assessment of the situation, but there it was. She called it how she saw it.

  She preferred to have something concrete to offer a man that would keep him connected with her after the initial flash of desire flickered and went out, as it inevitably did. Not that the trick had ever worked that well before, considering her romantic track record.

  Liam didn’t need her. She had nothing to offer him but herself, and when he lost interest in that, she would be toast.

  Liam sensed the direction her mind was running. She could tell by his thoughtful frown. “What’s wrong now, Nancy?”

  He sounded exhausted. Fed up. She didn’t blame him a bit. She was a piece of work. Nothing but problems. Her mind raced to come up with a plausible lie. Letting him see how small she felt would just embarrass them both.

  She shook her head. “Nothing,” she whispered.

  He let out a sigh, and leaned back, laying his head against the back of the couch. Covering his eyes with his hands.

  That was when she noticed the condition of his hand. His knuckles were torn and raw, encrusted with blood. God, she hadn’t even given a thought to his injuries, his trauma, his shock. She’d just zoned out, floated in her bubble, leaned on him. As if he were an oak.

  But he wasn’t an oak. He was a man. He’d fought like a demon for her, and risked his life, and gotten hurt, and she was so freaked out and self-absorbed, she hadn’t even noticed. She was mortified.

  “Liam. Your hand,” she fussed, getting up. “Let me get some disinfectant, and some—”

  “It’s okay,” he muttered. “Forget about it.”

  “Like hell! You’re bleeding!” She bustled around, muttering and scolding to hide her own discomfiture, gathering gauze and cotton balls and antibiotic ointment. He let her fuss, a martyred look on his face. After she finished taping his hand, she looked at his battered face and grabbed a handful of his polo. “What about the rest of you?”

  “Just some bruises,” he hedged.

  “Where?” she persisted, tugging at his shirt. “Show me.”

  He wrenched the fabric out of her hand. “If I take off my clothes now, it’s not going to be to show you my bruises,” he said.

  She blinked, swallowed, tried to breathe. Reorganized her mind. There it was. Finally verbalized. No more glossing over it, running away.

  “After all this?” Her voice was timid. “You still want to…now?”

  “Fuck yes.” His tone was savage. “I’ve wanted it since I laid eyes on you. It’s gotten worse ever since. And combat adrenaline gives a guy a hard-on like a railroad spike, even if there weren’t a beautiful woman in my face, driving me fucking nuts. Which puts me in a bad place, Nancy. I know the timing sucks for you. The timing’s been piss-poor since we met, but it never gets any better. It just keeps getting worse.”

  “Hey. It’s okay.” She patted his back with a shy, nervous hand. He was usually so calm, so controlled. It unnerved her to see him agitated.

  He didn’t seem to hear her. “And the worse it gets, the worse I want it,” he went on, his voice harsh. “Which makes me feel like a jerk, and a user, and an asshole. Promising to protect you—”

  “You did protect me,” she reminded him.

  “Yeah, and I told you it wasn’t an exchange. You don’t owe me sex. You don’t owe me anything. And that really fucks me up. Because I can’t even remove myself from the situation. I’m scared to death to leave you alone. And that puts me between a rock and a hard place.”

  She put her finger over his mouth. “Wow,” she murmured. “I had no idea you could get worked into such a state, Mr. Supermellow Liam Let’s-Contemplate-the-Beauty-of-the-Flower Knightly.”

  His explosive snort of derision cut her off. She shushed him again, enjoying the feel of his lips beneath her finger. “You’re not a jerk or a user,” she said gently. “You were magnificent. Thank you. Again.”

  He looked away. There was a brief, embarrassed pause. “That’s very generous of you,” he said, trying to flex the wounded hand. “But I’m not fishing for compliments.”

  “I never thought you were.”

  She placed her own hand below his and rested them both gently on his thigh. Her fingers dug into the thick muscle of his quadriceps, through the dirty, bloodstained denim of his jeans. Beneath the fabric, he was so hot. So strong and solid.

  She moved her hand up, slowly but surely, stroking higher toward his groin. His breath caught, and then stopped entirely as her fingers brushed the turgid bulge of his penis beneath the fabric.

  Here went nothing. “I think I know what you mean, about the hard place,” she whispered, swirling her fingertips over it. Wow. A lot of him. That t
hick, broad, hard stalk just went on and on. “Or was this what you meant when you were referring to the rock?”

  His face was a mask of tension, neck muscles clenched, tendons standing out. “You don’t have to do this,” he said, his voice strangled.

  Aw. So sweet. Her fingers closed around him, squeezing. He groaned, and a shudder jarred his body. “I can’t seem to stop,” she said.

  “Watch out, Nancy,” he said hoarsely. “If you start something now, there’s no stopping it.”

  She stroked him again, deeper, tighter, a slow caress that wrung a keening gasp from his throat. “I know,” she said. “I know.”

  He reached out, a little awkwardly and clasped his arms around her shoulders. He stared into her eyes as if expecting her to bolt.

  He pulled her close, enfolding her in his warmth, his power.

  Suddenly, they were kissing. She had no idea who had kissed whom. The kiss was desperate, achingly sweet. Not a power struggle, not a matter of talent or skill, just a hunger to get as close as two humans could be. He held her like he was afraid she’d be torn away from her.

  She tugged his shirt up, and he wrenched it off. She almost purred when she saw him half naked. His skin was pale, and his lean, sinewy muscles were sharply defined in the dim light that dangled over the kitchen stove. So hot. He smelled like soap, sweat. Then he pulled her tight T off, and she was just as exposed as he was, blinking through her mane of tangled hair. She was goose-pimpled by the chill that hit her skin, scorched by his eyes, his roving hands. Her nipples tingled where they touched his chest.

  Shyness gripped her, but it was nothing like her usual cold feeling when the iron-plated doors slammed shut in the distance, shutting her lover out and her own small, numb self deep in. No, this was altogether different. She wasn’t numb. She was shaking apart. About to fly into a million pieces. It was marvelous and unbearable. She crossed her arms over her chest, eyes squeezed shut. “Can we turn off the light?”

  He froze for a few seconds. “Don’t hide from me,” he said.

  “Oh, I won’t, I’m not,” she assured him, through trembling lips. “It’s just that I’m…it would be easier for me.”

  He started to speak, and she cut him off before he could ruin it. “I don’t want to stop, I swear,” she said forcefully. “Just the light.”

  He hesitated, as if trying to read some secret language in her face.

  “It’s because I really care about this,” she blurted. “I’m trying to…I’ll use every trick I can think of not to shut down with you.”

  Ooh. Smooth move, Nance. Big turnoff, laying out her sexual problems to a prospective lover before she even made him come.

  But Liam didn’t look put off. “All right,” he said. “First, let’s put down the bed, though. I don’t want to do that in the dark.”

  Oh. She’d forgotten that detail. A few deft tugs and wrenches with Liam’s big muscles, and her rickety old futon bed was flat and ready for business. The mattress was already dressed with a sheet beneath the couch cover, which he tossed away. Then he went to the stove and yanked the string. The room was plunged into a million shades of gray.

  The darkness hid nothing. The grays took on subtle meanings, shaded nuances, and he was a fulcrum of deeper gray in the midst of them, an enormous, brooding presence. Every hair prickled on her body at his proximity, every sense was attenuated to its limit: eyes straining in the dark, lungs pulling in deep breaths for his scent, ears attentive to the pad of his bare feet. Hungry to touch his skin, to taste his salt.

  He unbuckled his belt, kicked off his shoes, shucked pants and briefs and socks with quick businesslike movements that the darkness loaded with pure eroticism.

  She stared at his body, the curves and angles and contours in the shadows, the jut of his big penis. She shoved down her own jeans, peeled them off her ankles, and waited for him, her legs shaking.

  She sensed him moving closer, but it was still a shock when his arms circled her. She convulsed with delicious shivers. His chest pressed to her breasts, the stroke of his hand trailed down the curve of her back, the swell of her hip, fitting her against him.

  His cock prodded her leg. She could hardly breathe.

  He bent his head, kissing where her neck met her shoulder. “You’re not going to shut down,” he said, part command, part triumph.

  “No,” she replied, astonished to realize that it was true. She wasn’t. In spite of the terror they’d just been through and her tedious list of hang-ups. Usually, the harder a lover pounded at her stone walls demanding to be let in, the thicker her walls became. With Liam, there was no wall. Or there might be, but it didn’t matter, because he was miles inside, and driving her ever deeper into her own self, deeper than she’d ever been. Every sensation, every emotion was a revelation. The thrill of leaping into a star-studded nowhere and the pleasure of coming back to a home she’d never known she had, all at once.

  He pulled her down onto the bed and arranged her so she was wrapped around him, perched on his thighs, arms looped around his shoulders. Her nose buried in his sweat-stiffened thick, spiky hair. His cock pressed against her belly, his arms were tense and shaking.

  Tenderness for him melted her inside, a hot shimmer around her heart that just got brighter and hotter. She slid her hand down between them and curled her fingers around his cock. She stroked, greedily exploring, teasing, milking him.

  “Slow down,” he whispered. “I don’t want to come yet.”

  She let up her grip, just slightly. “When, then?”

  “You first.” He slid his hand down, tracing the divide of her bottom and stroking the wet, exquisitely sensitive places with an unerring fingertip while he situated her just…so…so that his penis was rubbing against her clit, while his fingers delved tenderly inside, and that slow, throbbing pressure, that slick, swirling caress turned her inside out, making her shudder with rapture. She almost fainted.

  Liam hung on to her, lungs hitching. Trying not to let his fingers dig in too hard, leaving marks on her perfect skin. So soft. A marvel of nature, every detail graceful and perfect. Naked in his arms.

  She was the most perfect creature he’d ever seen. That climax, a small supernova, right in his arms. He wanted to kneel at her feet, suck her toes, lick her arches, kiss her ankles. Thank her for existing. Make the whole world bow low whenever she walked by.

  He rolled her slowly down onto her back, his finger still deep inside her clinging pussy. He folded her legs wide. She gazed up at him, with those huge, fathomless eyes, her hair a swirling mass against the sheet. So responsive, gasping and sighing at every caress. His finger was in ecstasy in the hot, clinging vortex. She was lifting herself, shoving against his delving hand, silently begging for more, deeper, harder.

  His cock ached. She did a swirl twist of her fingers around him, and pulled. Ah. “I won’t be able to wait if you do that again,” he warned.

  Her lips curved in a smile so lovely, it made his heart hurt. “Who asked you to wait?” she said.

  He panted, his existence measured by heartbeats throbbing in his cock. “I wanted to make you come about ten times first,” he told her.

  She shook with breathless giggles. “That sounds like fun, but I’m too wound up for anything lazy and drawn out. I just want you.”

  Praise God, they were on the same page. He took her at her word and groped on the corner of the bed, where he’d laid a condom. He ripped it open, rolled the thing on, and leaned over her, balancing on one hand while he carefully nudged his cock into her slick opening.

  What followed were the most excruciatingly wonderful moments of his life. He was big, she was tight and small. Her pussy hugged him. She arched, offered herself, wiggling to accommodate him. Damn. He should have insisted, gone for the ten orgasms. Gone down on her for an hour or so.

  But with each shove, he slid deeper, felt her relax around him, her nails digging into his shoulders. He was dazzled at her alabaster pale body, so fragrant and smooth. Her arms, clutching hi
m. Those perfect breasts, with the puckered dark nipples that he hadn’t even had a chance to properly feast on. No time. So much to do with her.

  A man would need a lifetime for it all.

  “Are you okay?” he asked her.

  She had to try about three times before she could get words out of her throat. “I…I think I’m going to fall apart.”

  He tried to warm her with his body without crushing her. “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

  “I don’t know,” she said, through chattering teeth. “It’s an unprecedented thing.”

  “Ah. Well. I guess…that’s good,” he offered. “I hope.”

  “You’re huge, by the way,” she said.

  “I’m sorry,” he said helplessly.

  “Don’t apologize.” She slid her hands down his back, dug her fingernails into his ass, pulled him deeper. He couldn’t talk. He was too busy trying not to come as they rocked, looking for their rhythm.

  They found it, and were off. Much harder and faster than he’d meant to go, but he felt possessed. She twined around him, hanging on, jarred by every thrust. Wild horses were thundering through his body, but she was with him, holding on. Riding the crest. Not trampled by it.

  The orgasm jolted through him, each jolt blasting him deeper, wider, wide open to the stars, the wind. Naked and exposed.

  When it subsided, he was the one who felt trampled. Humbled and destroyed. So shy, he didn’t dare look into her face.

  The sky had brightened while they’d been busy, and he made out leaves rustling and moving in the pearly blue light outside the window.

  Nancy cupped his face with her hand, pulling it around.

  He rolled onto his side to face her, and they clasped hands, bodies still joined and slick with sweat and lube. Speechless. Eyes locked.

  This time he was the one who couldn’t handle the long, significant silence. He was afraid he’d hurt her, scared her. He got up, got himself a drink of water, gulped it thirstily. He hesitated a moment, and got one for her, too. When he brought it back to the bed, she was sitting up, her slender body curled in a graceful pose like a mermaid on a rock, legs tucked to the side. He handed her the glass, and she held it up to her cheek for a moment. He steeled himself, and asked it. “Are you okay?”