Tasting Fear

by Shannon McKenna

  “And I’m not helpless! I was doing fine!” she shouted after him.

  Her words seemed to bounce off his back. His lack of response made her sound foolish and ineffectual. She hated that. Dirty trick.

  Over the crest of the hill, the forest opened into a broad sweep of gentle downhill slope. The trees here were taller, with more space between them. Edna pranced around, sniffing at the fallen tree trunks. The rain had slackened. The air was luminous and heavy with fog.

  The silent grandeur of the forest worked magic on her jangled nerves as they padded along. It was beauty that sobered her, calmed her. Luminous, magic. The pattering rain, the feathery delicacy of pine boughs, the paler green festoons of moss, and tiny star-shaped white flowers floating ethereally in shiny green clumps of ground cover. It was so beautiful, she forgot her stinging hand, slimed shoes, and outraged sensibilities.

  About a half hour later, he led her through a waist-high tangle of blooming wild roses. And then she saw the house.

  He watched as she caught sight of the house, and felt ridiculously gratified at the smile that lit up her face. Yeah, of course she likes it, Kendrick. What wasn’t to like? He’d worked his ass off on that place.

  Still, it pleased him that she appreciated the grace of the old-fashioned house under the enormous pines. The comfortable porch. The huge flower and herb garden that he’d meticulously landscaped. He was proud of it. After all that work, she damn well ought to appreciate it.

  That, however, did not mean that he would let some wandering wild child whose body made him break out in a fever sweat park her lurid van in his driveway and disrupt his peace of mind. He hadn’t signed up for that.

  He’d known, in his bones, that something was up. The tone in Duncan’s voice, that hidden smile. He knew that sneaky bastard. He’d been keeping something back, and there it was, in the flesh. His job was to babysit a doe-eyed, wet-T-shirt-clad mini-sex-bomblet and keep her out of trouble. Served him right, for letting Duncan jerk him around. It was true that he owed Dunc, but, God. This kind of trouble he did not need.

  Duncan had said that the chick was in danger. Some muddled, improbable tale about evil Nazis, treasure maps, lost art. Christ on a crutch. He’d given up on drama. He wanted peace and quiet. Simplicity.

  Still, he disliked the idea of Vivi D’Onofrio in danger. She was so small and delicate. Her skin, so pale against that red hair. He wondered if the color was fake. Its brilliance seemed exaggerated.

  There was one quick, surefire way to find out, he thought suddenly, and he tried to squelch the thought in his mind before his dick could swell to maximum capacity again. Thank God for the rain poncho. Every detail of her figure had been visible in the damp tie-dye T-shirt. Those high, perfect tits, the kind that fit into a champagne cup. The classic, tender mouthful. He cursed under his breath.

  “You said something?” she asked.

  He shook his head, not trusting himself to speak.

  “Did you build this yourself?” she persisted, waiting for his nod.

  “Wow.” Vivi’s voice was reverent. They passed through riotous array of spring flowers, blooming lilac bushes, lush borders of aromatic herbs, flowers of every type and color. “Is, ah, someone in your family a gardener?” she asked delicately.

  “I’m the only one who lives here,” he said. “The barn is around the back.” He led her around the building, beyond which stood a large, freshly remodeled and painted barn. The apartment was on the top.

  He’d lived in it himself for the time it took him to build his house. He’d been using the bottom floor for a garage and the apartment above it for storage lately, but last week, after Duncan’s bullying sessions, he’d dutifully moved his boxes out and into the attic to make room for Duncan’s future sister-in-law. He’d pictured some uptight New York artistic type, all in black. Hah. He’d never seen anyone as colorful as Vivi D’Onofrio. The chick glowed, like neon. He needed fucking sunglasses.

  He led her up the stairs, which were on the outside of the building, and onto the deck. He slid open the sliding glass doors and stood back to let her enter first. The place was plain, but freshly painted and nicely finished. She gazed at the living room that opened onto the deck, with the view of the river and the house.

  She slowly walked into the big bedroom that looked out over the garden. She strode into the bathroom, surveyed the deep sink, the old claw-foot Victorian tub that he’d found at an auction years ago. It had a transparent shower curtain with old-style botanical illustrations of flowers, complete with their Latin names, splashed all over it.

  She sidled out the bathroom door past him, careful not to touch him, and walked into the spacious kitchen. She opened the freezer, sighing when she saw the automatic ice maker. She pushed the lever, grabbed a handful of ice, held it to her pink cheek. “It’s perfect,” she announced.

  She folded her arms in front of her chest, and waited for him to contradict her. Her face was battle ready. There was a streak of mud across one high cheekbone.

  “Well?” she asked impatiently. “Spit it out, Kendrick.”

  “Well, what?” he snapped back. “Spit what out?”

  Her hair was drying, fluffing up into a fiery mane. “The bottom line,” she said. “Have we got a deal? You sounded like you weren’t sure, back there. Sounded like my tattoos and nose ring scared you. Have you dug your courage back out from under that rock it was shivering under?”

  Jack refused to rise to the bait. “I have to talk to Duncan,” he temporized. “He gave me a false impression.”

  “No, maybe you just made some stupid assumptions. And you’re still making them.” She smiled brightly. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m cold, and I really need a shower. Thanks for carrying my stuff. Buh-bye.”

  She gestured toward the door with a dismissive smile.

  Once back in his own kitchen, Jack tried not to visualize Vivi’s body naked in the tub, hot water streaming down her legs, her high breasts. Tried and failed. He felt flustered, sweaty. Stupid. He hadn’t felt so unsure of himself since he was a teenager.

  He was usually good at dealing with the unexpected. Being flex, turning surprises to his advantage. The trick was to stay calm in his center. That had helped him during those years on the task force with Dunc in Afghanistan. And before, in the military, in Iraq, in Africa. It had helped him negotiate his childhood and manage the characters who had peopled it. It had helped him those bleak months that he’d spent on the streets of North Portland, as a teenager.

  He knew nothing lasted forever. That some people couldn’t stay in one place for long. No need to blame or judge, it was just a fact. Getting upset or uptight about it was like blaming a leaf for being green.

  He put on a pot of coffee, just to do something with his hands. People like Vivi D’Onofrio were liable to climb into their truck, or motorcycle, or van and disappear in a cloud of dust. No hard feelings.

  That was not the kind of woman he wanted to be attracted to. He knew how that story ended before it began. He was not going to do that to himself. He would not be so blind, so stupid. No fucking way.

  He did not feel calm in his center when he looked at her. He wouldn’t be able to stay cool, detached. He’d get wound up, tied in knots. He’d fuck himself up. Royally. He knew it. For a goddamn fact.

  But still, he pictured water streaming down over her body, and wondered. Curly ringlets, or straight swatches? Red pubic hair, or dark? Tightly furled, involuted, secretive pale pink pussy lips, or did she have a bright crimson one that burst proudly out of her slit like some sort of exotic flower? Shaved? Pierced, even? And her flavor?

  Whoa. That gave him a head rush. He dangled his head between his knees. Trying not to imagine her flavor.

  Chapter

  2

  Vivi tried to relax in the shower. She was so angry at herself for not stopping to bathe and dress before meeting Kendrick. How freaking irresponsible of her. First impressions were so hard to shake. And getting all snotty in his face—what had
possessed her? Idiot. She’d always been impulsive, hotheaded. Lucia had lectured and scolded for years, trying to turn her into a lady.

  With limited success. But it had been a noble effort.

  She turned off the faucet and grabbed one of the big, fluffy towels she’d found on the shelf. She’d found some soap and shampoo over the tub, too, and thank God for it, since she hadn’t remembered to pack bath stuff into her duffel.

  She sorted through her bag, hair dripping, taking inventory. Kendrick’s brooding presence outside the van had addled her wits. She’d remembered dog food, for instance, but had forgotten the can opener. She was usually extremely organized. Maniacally so. It was an essential survival skill when one lived in a camper van.

  She dragged out bits and pieces from the pockets of her purse and duffel. Matches, pocketknife, flashlight. Strange guy, that Jack Kendrick. He seemed so mellow and quiet, soft-spoken, and then suddenly he was provocative and rude. She hauled out a handful of candles, a pack of her favorite incense. No pans, dishes, or human food. She had to hike back to the van if she wanted to eat.

  A bleak, exhausting prospect. Her stomach rumbled.

  First things first, though. Edna was waiting patiently, gazing through the glass door from the deck outside in limpid reproach. The pocketknife would not open a can of dog food. She would have to face the man and beg a can opener off him. No avoiding this necessity.

  A few careful, anxious primping minutes later, she walked down the stairs, wishing she had a blow-dryer. She needed to fluff herself up, get some volume. With wet hair, she looked even smaller and more insignificant than she already was. Like a wet Persian cat.

  She was angry at her silly self for being so nervous. This man had no power over her. He was nothing to her. He just happened to be good-looking and charismatic, that was all. No biggie. She was a normal hetero female. She noticed a good-looking man when one came into her field of vision.

  Although she certainly hadn’t thrown out any come-hither glances since the Brian Wilder debacle. That bitter taste in her mouth still lingered, after six years. Six years of celibacy. She could hardly believe it herself, but there it was.

  And this falling away, weak-in-the-knees feeling was absurd. Being afraid of what Kendrick thought of her. Wanting his approval. Yikes.

  She could not afford to feel so vulnerable.

  She’d spent too much energy fighting other people’s opinions and efforts to control her. Like she had with Brian. Just thinking about Brian made her angry, exhausted. Sickened.

  She’d worked so hard, given up so much, to be free to do as she damn well pleased. She’d sacrificed a brilliant, lucrative career as a sculptor for that precious freedom and independence. That was why she’d been on the road so long, making the best of the hard choices she’d made. And working her ass off, too, incidentally, which was nothing to be ashamed of. She’d be damned if she’d let some pinheaded, muscle-bound doofus make her feel small, no matter how hot he was.

  Her sense of self was too hard-won.

  She walked across the luxuriant lawn, up the porch steps, admiring the thickness and variety of the flowers bordering the house and the flagstone walkway. The garden was over-the-top beautiful.

  At the front door, she raised her hand to knock, and her hand stopped in midair as her chest constricted. Oh, please. Enough of this crap. She forced herself to rap boldly. Bam-bam, here I am.

  The door opened after a moment, and there he was. He seemed even bigger than before, framed by the door. No poncho. She could finally check out all his assets. Wow.

  She was absurdly glad that she’d changed into the green rayon dress. She’d even considered taking out the nose ring. Then she’d concluded that the damage was done. Taking it out now revealed more about her fears and insecurities than leaving it in did. And as if that wasn’t enough to make her feel self-conscious, the dress she’d shoved into the duffel was the very one that dipped down in the front and the back, showing off the little flower tattoo over her breast and the sun tattoo on her shoulder.

  Just as well. It kept her honest. She’d flaunt ’em. He’d just have to deal with the tattooed, itinerant sexpot that she was. Nyah, nyah.

  Other than that particular, the dress was quite modest and feminine and pretty. It was ankle length, just skimming her curves, and it looked great with the little gold and emerald V pendant that Lucia had given her. If her hair had only been dry, it would have covered both tattoos, being more than long and thick enough. But not when wet.

  His eyes swept over her, and she suffered a burst of agonizing self-consciousness. She hadn’t packed a bra into her duffel. Her brights were on, big-time, and not just because of the cold, either. She’d put on a little bit of makeup, too, just because, and he was noticing it. Maybe he would think she was trying to impress him. Allure him. God forbid.

  He was still in his mud-spattered jeans. Without the poncho, she could see how barrel-chested he was. The T-shirt revealed the muscular breadth of his shoulders. The faded jeans affectionately hugged his powerful thighs. Talk to the man, Viv, her frozen brain pleaded. Say something. Anything. Don’t just stand there gawking at the guy’s pecs.

  “Sorry to bother you,” she said, kicking herself for the breathless, kittenish tone. None of that fluttery shit. She had to be an Amazon. A tough broad.

  “No bother. Come on in. I made coffee.”

  Vivi followed him into a big room with an open kitchen on one side, banks of windows on all sides, paneled in rosy, fragrant cedar. An old-fashioned woodstove had a couple of soft, battered-looking couches grouped around it, and a stack of cut wood tucked into a recessed space in the wall. There was an old-fashioned braided rug, in deep, brilliant colors, on the wood-plank floor. Plants were everywhere: ferns, jades, spider plants, begonias, scores of others she couldn’t begin to identify. The deep windowsills were all lined with clay boxes filled with pale sprouts and tender seedlings. It was warm, cheerful, welcoming. Beautiful.

  Jack gestured toward an old trestle table in the kitchen area. “Have a seat. How do you like your coffee?”

  “Milk, if you have it, and sugar, please.”

  He poured coffee into a huge earthenware mug, reached into his refrigerator, and held up a carton of half-and-half. “This do?”

  “Oh, yeah! How luxurious. Nobody I know uses half-and-half anymore. It’s always one percent, or skim. Or that foul nondairy stuff.”

  He grunted. “I eat what I like.”

  A sudden memory of Brian, who had a precision scale in his kitchen and counted every gram of fat he ate, rose up in her mind. She fought back a silly impulse to giggle and concentrated on stirring a spoonful of glistening, sticky brown sugar into her coffee. She tried not to stare at the way his biceps distended the short sleeves of his shirt.

  He sat down across from her. She took a cautious sip. The coffee was delicious. “Great coffee,” she offered, feeling idiotic.

  He nodded. Vivi tried to relax, studying the plants, and then noticed that he was staring fixedly at the neckline of her dress. She glanced down, terrified that it was gaping scandalously over her nipple, or something, but no. Nothing was out of the ordinary.

  “Sorry,” he said, looking down. “I, um, was just looking at your eranthis hyemalis.”

  She blinked. “My…ah, my what?”

  He looked embarrassed. “The flower. On your chest. I thought at first that it was Ranunculus acris, but then—”

  “A what?”

  He let out an impatient sigh. “A buttercup. But then I saw the leaves. Definitely Eranthis hyemalis. Winter Aconite, I mean.”

  She looked down at her tattoo. “Oh. Yeah. I like this flower. I noticed it in a friend’s garden, blooming in the snow. That impressed me. The perfect combination of toughness and a good attitude.”

  “Yeah, they’re great flowers.” He tore his gaze from her body and stared down into his coffee cup as if there were something really interesting at the bottom of it.

  Vivi shoved her damp hai
r behind her ears. “I came down to ask you a favor.” She took another sip of the bracing coffee. “I forgot some key things when I left the van. Most I can do without, but the most important is a can opener, so I can feed Edna.”

  He reached around, pulled open a drawer, and handed her one.

  “And some sort of bowl? I forgot her dish, too,” she admitted.

  He rummaged in a cupboard for a plastic dish. “Anything else?”

  “If I could borrow your broom to sweep out the mud?”

  He gestured behind himself, to a corner where a broom and dustpan were tucked. “Help yourself.”

  “Thank you. Edna thanks you, too. As only a Labrador retriever can.” Viv took a final sip of coffee and scooped up the bowl and can opener. “I’ll just head on back up to my apartment, then.” She grabbed the broom and dustpan, and pointed herself toward the door. She’d managed not to giggle or simper. Now, if she could get out the door without tripping over the rug, she was home free.

  “Wait. Do you have anything to eat tonight?” he demanded.

  “No, but Edna and I might just hike back to the van and grab some stuff. It’s no big deal.”

  “I’ll take you into town to do some shopping.”

  “No, really,” she said hastily. “You’ve gone to enough trouble.”

  “No trouble. I need groceries anyway. There’s just the convenience store here in Silverfish, so I’ll take you to the Safeway in Pebble River.”

  She was still shaking her head. “I don’t want to put you to—”

  “Look,” he said, impatiently. “I won’t be able to eat tonight if I know you’ve got no food up there.”

  “Well. That’s, uh, sweet of you,” she said, flustered.

  “No, just practical. If you fast, I have to fast. And fasting makes me crabby.”

  That was a new concept for her, and she didn’t know what to do with it. He took her baffled silence as assent, scooped up her coffee cup, and took it to the sink. “Be ready in half an hour,” he said.