I didn’t give a shit about it back then, but all I can see when I hold it now is him. It’s funny how the little things that don’t matter are the most sentimental when you lose the ones you love.
That’s my life. Hiding away and mourning my father alone. Hating myself and not being able to fix it all. I can’t fix a damn thing.
“I told you she wasn’t doing good,” Mason says like I should have known better.
My eyes gloss over and I yell at him, “I can’t do both at the same time, lead her on that we’re broken up but also be there for her.” I start pounding my hand against the window like a madman, holding on to the anger and prolonging every other emotion I can until I’m forced to deal with it at night when sleep refuses to comfort me. I know I have to look like I’m fucking unhinged, but I am. So I guess it’s fitting. “I can’t protect her and have her. There’s no way for me to do it!”
“Well if you’re not there for her, someone else will be.”
My heart’s in my throat, that’s the only explanation for what I feel. It’s not in my chest where it’s supposed to be. Only pain is there.
“I want to kill him. That Jacob fuck.”
“Now I know that one isn’t serious.”
“He put his hands on my wife!” I practically spit in his face, but Mason doesn’t react.
“She’s the one who called him,” he says and it guts me.
“What would you do?” I ask him out of desperation as I imagine her calling him. Alone and desperate for someone.
Mason answers with a shrug, “Kill the asshole.”
“You’re a real wiseass, you know that?” I tell him.
“It could be worse,” he says.
“How’s that?”
“She cried for a while when she got back from dinner with Jules.”
I wait for him to continue, not understanding. “Why was she crying?”
“After seeing the guy, she just cried all night. She’s not moving on. She’s not okay, Evan.”
“What am I supposed to do? She’s everything to me. And all I can see, all I dream about at night is her dying because of me.“ Mason doesn’t answer me.
No one has an answer for me. “If I lose her, I have nothing. There’s no reason to live if I don’t have her.”
“You could always go with the locking her in a room option. She likes her office, right?” Mason jokes and I don’t know whether to thank him for lightening the mood or punch his fucking face in.
“Do you think James would go after her if I took her back?” I ask him. “Tell me honestly.”
“If someone wanted to hurt you, the first thing they’d do is go after her,” Mason says exactly what I feel and I rest my head against the window. It feels like I’m dying inside. There’s only so much pain a person can handle.
“He still might, but the chance of that seems low. Right now James is only interested in three people: you, Samantha and a man named Andrew Jones. Obviously a cover.”
Before I can ask, Mason adds, “We’re paying him a visit soon. Just trying to track down his location.”
I nod my head, but all I can think about is that prick with his hands on my wife.
“What if we paid Jacob a visit?”
“You really think that’s the way to go? Like Kat won’t find out?” he asks me and I grind my teeth.
* * *
“What if she goes home? What if you go home? Just be quiet about it. Rent a hotel room and make sure you’re seen there for your tail. But go to her at night and make sure she keeps quiet.”
“My wife can’t keep a secret for shit.”
“She’s talking about going back home anyway. You’re going to need to be there.”
“You think she’d be cool with me just slipping in at night? Maybe if I told her what’s going on. But in and out, just coming and going as I please? She’d kill me.”
“Don’t tell her shit. Are you fucking crazy?” he asks me.
“Lie to her?” I ask him. Kat’s always been able to see right through me.
“I’m not saying lie to her. I’m just saying this is how it has to be. And right now she needs comfort.”
“James thinks you’re with Samantha, so be seen with her, then head over to your place.”
“You want my wife to hate me?” I ask him.
“It’s the only real option you have right now,” he says and looks me in the eyes to add, “She’ll never know.”
Chapter 18
Kat
* * *
Hate creeps slowly,
Drifting in my veins.
So silent, so lethal,
Locking me in chains.
My vision turning red,
My blood pumping hard.
You’re the reason I can’t forgive,
You’re the reason my heart is scarred.
I have to tell Evan about Jake, but he doesn’t want to talk to me.
He’s ignoring me. Intentionally hurting me.
Yet, there’s still a sense of obligation. As if I owe it to him to let him know that I’m moving on now. Like I’ve finally got a grip on my self-respect, but I need him to know it. I roll my eyes at the thought and heave out an aggravated sigh.
I don’t care if it’s weak or pathetic. He was everything to me.
I nearly trip as I realize what I thought. Was.
Is it really over? I struggle to breathe in the cold air as I think maybe a small part of me wants to move on. No, that’s not it. It’s simply accepting that it’s time to move on.
Say something, I’m giving up on you … song lyrics play through my head as my throat dries and I force myself to keep walking up the sidewalk to 82 Brookside. Evan’s family home.
The soft lyrics of the sad song are what keep me from knocking on his door at first. I try to compose myself because if Evan doesn’t open this door, or worse, he does but doesn’t hear me out? Then I have no hope left.
I know deep down in my gut, this is my last and final effort.
Say something, I’m giving up on you … and then the soundtrack stops, a feminine voice cutting through. The voice of a woman I know.
Samantha.
I hear her laugh and then a muted voice. His voice. She’s in there with him.
I thought my heart was already broken. Apparently it was only torn, because at this moment, there’s no denying my heart’s been ripped ruthlessly in half.
I’m numb as I stand in the harsh cold, trying to listen to the faint sounds as I lean my body toward the window to my right. I can barely see her and I can’t see him at all.
There’s no way I can make out what they’re saying, but I watch her put on her coat.
It’s funny how anger can so easily replace sadness. Almost like rock-paper-scissors. Anger beats sadness, sadness beats … I don’t know what and in this moment, I don’t give a fuck.
My heartbeat picks up; my breathing gets shallow as I watch that bitch standing in Evan’s parents’ home.
What a fucking fool I was.
Of course this is why he left me. My breathing falters as I take a few steps back from the door, shoving my hair out of my face and trying to collect myself.
I hug myself as I walk aimlessly down the street. My shoes crunch the thin layer of fallen snow beneath my feet as I get farther and farther away. I let my mind whirl and my emotions stir into a concoction of self-doubt and recklessness.
“He thought I would wait for him while he had one last fling?” I whisper beneath my breath but then shake my head. “Maybe he’s trying to pick which one of us he wants … ”
Like a madwoman I talk to myself, ignoring the honking horns and cars speeding down the street next to me. I let out a sarcastic laugh and think, his choice is made.
He already left me and I already told him it was over.
How fucking dumb can I really be?
My hands fumble inside of my jacket as I round the street corner. I bite down on the cloth of my glove and pull it off so I can unlock my phone.
>
Evan’s cheating on me. I text Jules first. I’ve talked to her more than anyone else since she’s welcomed me into her house.
No, he can’t be! She’s quick to text back and I find myself standing still in the middle of the busy sidewalk, texting her back. Everyone walks around me, ignoring me and my mental breakdown.
I’m pregnant with his child and he’s cheating on me.
Why would you think that? she texts back as I type my response.
I just saw her.
Saw who? she asks.
Samantha
And they were kissing??? That bastard!!
I bite the inside of my cheek and hate that I can’t say yes they were kissing. Samantha’s the fucking enemy and she’s inside his house. Isn’t that enough?
I didn’t see them kiss. She’s in his house though.
What were they doing? she asks me and I find my anger turning on her.
I don’t know!
What were you doing, spying??
OMG Jules! YES of course I was! I stand there numb, reading the text messages and feeling like I truly am crazy.
What did he say? she asks me.
About them? I didn’t go in, I text her. I stand there for a moment with no response back. The wind seems to pick up and my ears burn from the cold. Or maybe from people talking about me.
I’m going to get proof. I text Jules back and spin around on my heels, shoving the phone into my coat pocket and ignoring the dings of her return messages.
I’ll confront that bastard and make him pay for the hell he’s put me through. All the while I work myself up. Each step back to his house is taken with strong and stronger resolution.
But his car’s not there and just like my gut told me the second I saw the spot empty in front of his house, the door is locked.
“Motherfucker,” I scream out as I bang my fists against the door. The chill in the air makes each impact hurt more and more.
I start to text him even though my hands are aching and freezing cold. One line saying, I know. And then I back out. Fuck that, it’s too mysterious. I text him a paragraph about what I saw, but I delete that too, knowing he’ll just deny it.
I stand there outside of his parents’ house. Outside of the house that I fell in love with him in. And I slip my phone in my pocket.
I’m not going to text him, or confront him. Nothing. I’ll figure out the truth and make sure I have evidence, but I’m giving Evan exactly what he gave me … nothing.
* * *
Diary Entry 4
* * *
Mom,
* * *
I’m worried about the things that I think sometimes.
I’m worried about how angry I get. Did you get like that ever?
I don’t know if you would have. I feel like I did it to myself by marrying Evan.
I’m filled with anger more than anything. I don’t want to be like this, but it’s what he’s done to me. Maybe that’s an excuse … that’s probably what you’d tell me, isn’t it?
I’ve never been this angry and I’m afraid of what I’m going to do.
I’m trying so hard to be strong, but what is strength when you have no control?
I need to take it back. Whether Evan likes it or not.
Chapter 19
Evan
* * *
Bitter cold will greet me,
For what I’ve kept from you.
The chill freezing inch by inch,
And making my skin turn blue.
It’s meant as punishment,
Maybe to kill me too.
But what you cannot know,
Is that it’s always been for you.
* * *
I haven’t been this nervous since Kat and I first went out on a date.
We were just going to the club. My club. I didn’t own it; never got into commercial real estate, although I have thought about it. It was still my club though. At least that’s how I felt. And I should’ve felt in control and powerful to meet her in front of the doors, the music drifting out into the street.
But one look at her stepping out of her car had my heart pumping faster and the back of my neck sweating.
Kat’s always been able to stun me like that.
As if I don’t already know she’s beautiful.
It’s something else though.
The feeling that I can’t hold on to her. That’s the feeling I had flowing in my veins that night, and that’s the feeling now as I get ready to step up to the doors of Mason’s house in the Berkshires.
I check my phone again to see if I have any more texts from him, but I don’t. The last one said she was packing her stuff and planning on moving back to the townhouse.
Short stay for her, and Jules is crushed, but she just wants to be alone.
Kat says that a lot, but I know her. She doesn’t want to be alone.
I rap the back of my knuckles on the hard oak doors, the cold air making it hurt just a bit. My body urges me to do it harder, to feel the pain and focus on that and not the anxiety of rejection.
I would deserve it, after all.
The door opens in one tug, and the glow of the foyer chandelier flows to the porch. There she is. Holding the door open with her lips parted in shock.
“Evan,” she says my name as she stands perfectly still.
A faint dusting of snow settles around me as I take her in. From the white socks on her feet, to the silk pajamas that must be a gift from Jules, ‘cause I’ve never seen them before in my life.
“Hey,” I say and then swallow the lump in my throat. “I heard you were here.”
Her expression hardens instantly as she seems to get over my surprise arrival.
“What do you want?” she asks me and then starts to come outside rather than letting me in, like a fucking lunatic.
“What are you doing?” I ask her with complete disbelief as she tries to shut the door.
“I’m not having this conversation in Jules’ house,” Kat spits out like I’m the one who’s lost their mind.
“Baby, get inside, it’s freezing out!”
“Don’t tell me what to do!” she yells back at me and it’s like being struck across the face. I take it though. I take one step back and watch as she crosses her arms over her chest and her cheeks slowly turn pink from the wind that won’t let up. “What do you want?”
“Are you sure you don’t want to go inside?” I ask her as calmly as I can, trying to be reasonable.
“I went to your house today,” she says and I can feel the blood drain from my face.
“Is that right?” I ask her, my body tensing up. All I can hear is my heart pounding as I feel her slipping away from me.
“I don’t want anything to do with you, Evan,” she tells me with a cracked voice. At least there’s emotion left. If there’s that, then I still have a chance.
“I don’t know what you think you saw,” I start to tell her and then flinch from her shriek.
“Think!” she yells. “I saw her!” She moves in closer, getting in my face to scream at me. “Samantha. You left me to be with her,” she seethes, the accusation coming out hard.
“You see me touch her?” I ask her, taking a step closer to her. “I know you didn’t, ‘cause I never would.”
“She was with you,” she breathes out her words with nothing but pain and agony.
“Yeah, she was. A few times in the last week,” I confess to her. I don’t want her to find out any other way. “I’m trying to fix things and she’s-”
“I want you to go,” she says.
“I won’t until you tell me you believe me.” I look her in the eyes and wait for it.
“Just go!”
“Never. I would never stray from you.” As I say the words, it’s crippling. Because I know she did what she’s accusing me of. She’s the one who’s seeing someone else, but I gave her the space to do it. I left her side.
She doesn’t answer me, merely shivers in the cold as her bottom lip starts
to turn blue.
“Let’s go inside,” I urge her, but she doesn’t respond. “I want to talk.”
“I thought the funeral might be a good time to talk,” she finally says with tears in her eyes. “Guess you didn’t?
Her words slice through me, down to my core. “It meant a lot to me that you were there,” I manage to say, but I can’t look her in the eyes.
“Didn’t seem like it,” she replies, although she’s lost a bit of strength in her voice.
“I’m having a difficult time handling it,” I tell her, scrambling for an excuse, but there’s so much truth in those words.
James was there at the funeral. He even shook my hand, the fucking bastard. The reason is right there on the tip of my tongue. I wanted to go to her, to hold her. To go home with her and get lost in her love. More than anything.
“You think it was easy for me?” she asks me after a moment of silence.
“You think it was easy for me?” I shoot right back and the memories of the grave, the service hit me. I have to pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes as I see the visions of the nightmares mixing with the memories. I shouldn’t even be here. Regret flows through my veins. What am I doing?
“I’m sorry,” she whispers and her breath turns to fog. The wind blows and her hair falls in front of her face as I tell her, “I’m sorry too.” I get a little choked up, but I manage to tell her, “He loved you so much.”
He really did. His voice telling me to make it right won’t shut up in my head and it kills my strength.
“I told you I just needed time.” I try to make the words come out strong, but all it is, is a plea. I don’t know what to do anymore.
All I want to do is protect her. Maybe that means losing her forever.
Scarred: Sins and Secrets Series of Duets Page 10
