She shakes her head. “What part of us moving on with our lives and doing it together didn’t you understand? I don’t have time for games or whatever trouble you’ve gotten into.”
“I’m fixing the trouble.” I refuse to give up. “I just need more time.”
“And how much longer is that going to be? How much longer do I have to sit on the back burner and wait for you to love me again?”
“I still love you,” I say.
“You don’t act like it.”
“There’s a reason for everything, I promise.” I have to blink away the scenes of the funeral, of the night terrors.
“I don’t even want to hear your excuses anymore,” she says and wipes under her eyes. She sounds so defeated. “You’re supposed to be here for me.”
I question everything in that moment. I’m so afraid of losing her, but the image of her dead on the ground makes me harden my resolve. So I hesitate and immediately regret it.
“I need you to go, Evan. For good.”
“It’s ‘cause of Jacob, isn’t it?” I can’t help but blurt it out. I want someone else to blame. Someone else to hate other than myself. “You’re moving on with him?”
I can’t help but point out that she’s the one who wants something else. I only want her. I won’t lose her. I’ll fuck her so good, until she forgets any other man exists.
“You think I need a man? You think I need someone?” Her voice is coated in an anger I haven’t seen from her before. “I never needed anyone! You’re the only one I ever let in. I even kept away your father. You were the only one I let get close and I’ll be fine, living the rest of my life alone.”
“You want him more than me?” My jealousy gets the best of me.
“Get away from me!” she spits out as she opens the door to get into the house.
“I’m coming back for you,” I tell her and I mean it.
“Well I won’t be here, and I’m changing the locks on the townhouse. So good fucking luck with that.”
Chapter 20
Kat
* * *
So many stories deep inside,
So many stories, secrets to hide.
Just keep it quiet, you must plead,
They string you along and make you bleed.
A clean slate, tainted with the past,
You knew this would never last.
Just do your best to make amends,
But this is not where your story ends.
It’s the heavy pit in your stomach. It rocks back and forth, making you queasy and your body can’t sit still. That’s what it feels like when you know you’re about to hurt someone.
At least that’s how it feels right now.
I don’t need anyone at all. And I don’t want anyone either. Maybe I’m proving it to myself, or maybe to Evan. I don’t care which.
My pulse quickens and I try to swallow the spiked ball in my throat when I hear the bell at the front of the café.
Jacob smiles so sweetly, with genuine happiness and he strolls over to the table, letting his jacket slip off his shoulders. I’m going to miss this. The comfort his presence brings.
“One more nice day before winter comes in,” he says easily.
“Got that for you,” I say, nodding my head to the ceramic mug on the table. I have to force the smile to stay on my face, but it doesn’t fool Jacob.
“What’s wrong?” he asks me, not touching the mug.
I hate that I get choked up. It’s stupid really.
It was just friends, then just a kiss.
But it never should have been anything.
I shake my head slightly, and pick up the mug. Jake’s face falls, but he still tries to cheer me up.
“So I never got your answer about the movies tomorrow night,” he says with a kind smile. “I heard it’s going to be good.”
My mug clinks on the small plate as he adds, “I love coffee shops and all, but it’d be nice to do something more.”
More.
It would be. I can see it. I can feel it. If my heart didn’t belong to someone else, I could see Jacob being so much more.
“I have to tell you something.” I let the words out before I change my mind and swallow them. Before I give in to getting over Evan by getting under another man.
Jacob visibly winces and then scratches the side of his neck as he looks to the right. “That doesn’t sound so good.”
“I kind of lied to you,” I tell him, feeling a vise grip around my heart.
“You’re not separated?” he assumes.
“No, we are. But I don’t want to be,” I blurt out.
“You still love him. I know you do.” I nod at his words.
“There’s more,” I say and hesitate.
“Just tell me,” he says, moving his hand to mine and I stare down at where his skin touches mine. It’s gentle, kind. It’s the comfort I desperately need. But I can’t be expected to always have someone to lean on. I want to stand on my own.
“I’m pregnant,” I tell him and the only reaction I get is that his brow raises just slightly. It’s comical really, and the small movement makes me smile slightly.
“That, I didn’t see coming,” he says, keeping a small bit of humor in his voice. He slowly pulls his hand away, but keeps it on the tabletop. I notice the absence instantly though.
“Not far along?”
I shake my head no at his question. “How long have you known?” he asks me and it makes my heart drop.
“A while,” I answer.
“So that’s the lie?”
“Yeah,” I answer. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he tells me as if it’s no big deal.
“I knew better, it was just … ” I trail off and swallow my words, staring at a stain on the table. One that will never go away.
“It was nice being okay with someone?” he asks me and I chance a peek up into his eyes. There’s nothing but understanding there.
“Yeah,” I answer him and chew on my bottom lip. “I just wanted to pretend to be okay for a little bit.”
“Well it’s not pretend,” he tells me and adjusts in his seat. “You can be okay if you want to.” It’s hard to hold his gaze as he brings his hand back to mine.
“Does he know?” he asks me and I can only nod.
“And he … ?” he starts to ask, but doesn’t finish the obvious question.
“Says he’s happy but he’s still not with me. He’s not committing and carrying on like he was. I want him, but I need him with me and he’s not … ” I’m ashamed of the answer.
It’s quiet for a short moment.
“So … do you want to go to the movies?” Jacob asks and then picks up his mug. “I’d still like to go if you would,” he says.
My heart does this little flutter, a quick flicker of warmth that lets me know it’s still there. It’s in gratitude and I think that’s all I could give anyone else. It’s all I’m willing to do.
I shake my head no and give him a sad smile.
“Well, I had to ask. ‘Cause I think it would have been good,” he tells me, forcing a smile and then covering his disappointment by taking a large sip of the chai.
“You going to be okay?” he asks me.
I shrug, honestly unsure of whether or not I’ll ever be okay. “Some people are meant to be alone.” Or waiting on a love that may never come back.
“You sound like me,” he says and takes a deep, heavy breath. “Gets tiresome though.”
“A story for another time perhaps?”
“I think it’s the same story mostly, with only one big difference.”
“What’s that?” I ask.
“I think Evan may love you back, just like you love him. Whether or not he deserves it … well that’s a matter of opinion, I guess.” I can’t respond and instead I let my gaze wander back to the stain. “It wasn’t the same for me. It was only one-sided.”
“I’m so sorry, Jake.” It’s all I can tell him and I genuinely am.
“Do
n’t be,” he says easily. “Fate puts people in our life for a reason.” He takes a steadying breath before saying, “And now I know it’s possible.”
“What’s possible?” For a moment I worry that he thinks the two of us being together is still an option, when it’s not at all for me.
“Not this like you and me,” he says, hearing my unspoken thought. “Trust me, I wish it were. But I meant … just that there could be someone else for me.”
“You could always write the story. Although I doubt you’d want me to be your agent, huh?”
“No agent,” he says with the same sad smile on his face that I’ve been giving him.
“Maybe we could still be friends?” I offer.
“I don’t think that’s for the best, Kat. I can’t just be friends with you.”
My hair tickles my shoulders as I nod and reach for my coat to leave. My movements are sluggish; I don’t want this to be the last goodbye. But it is. And I know it. I barely touched my drink and didn’t have anything to eat, but that’s okay. I knew I wouldn’t anyway.
“How about this,” Jacob offers as I pull my wool coat tight around my shoulders. “You call me. If you’re ever not okay and want more. But I won’t call you or text you again. It’s in your hands.”
“I’m sorry, Jake.” I say the words, but they don’t even make a dent in expressing what I feel.
“Stop being sorry. Do that one thing for me, will you?” he asks and I merely nod and say my goodbye.
Every step back to my townhouse, I wanted to go back.
Every breath, I wished I could tell him that what he did for me, I could never repay and I’ll be forever thankful for that.
But neither of those things happened. I walked back to my townhouse alone and the first thing I did when I got home was to delete his emails and his number.
I didn’t want to have the option to run back to him.
Jacob is a good man. But he’s not for me. I don’t need someone else to love me. I need to learn to love being alone again. That’s what I need, ‘cause then I’m forced to love myself.
* * *
Diary Entry 5
* * *
Dear Mom,
* * *
It’s not so bad being alone.
I remember thinking that same thought a while after you guys left me. I know it’s not your fault.
I just can’t stand to think of needing someone. Not when it hurts so freaking bad when they leave you. Did you see what Evan did? I gave him that power. And that’s my fault. I won’t do it again.
I should have known better.
If you could just remind me, maybe? The next time he comes around and says he wants me and that he loves me, can you give me a sign? Something that will remind me that he’s just going to hurt me.
People don’t change and some people are meant to be alone.
I promise I’ll be okay from now on, Mom.
I just forgot that I’m one of those people. But I remember now. I won’t forget again.
Chapter 21
Evan
* * *
Secrets make cracks so deep,
Loving the crumbling walls.
Temptation hiding deep within,
Hissing as it crawls.
* * *
It wants to burrow deep inside,
Warming your beating heart.
It carves into your very soul,
A promise never to leave, a threat never to part.
* * *
I’m used to sneaking around. I’ve done it all my life. I guess you could say I’m a fucking professional at it.
The door to the townhouse opens and I turn to look over my shoulder. No one knows I’m here. And I need to keep it that way.
The pictures of my wife and I stare back at me as I slowly close the door. Feeling the warmth and familiarity of the home I built with Kat makes the ache deep in my chest twist and turn to a sickening degree.
The large clock on the back wall ticks loudly as I move through the place. It’s nearly 3 a.m., but I needed to make sure I wasn’t being followed.
The life I led destroyed the only thing I ever had that I wanted to keep. My marriage.
I haven’t told her the truth, and I can’t. The knowledge pushes me forward, each step bringing me closer to her. Closer to the bed we once shared, and closer to her warmth under the covers. As I push the door open, my heart beats slow. Every second making my skin heat and the worry threatening to consume me.
But the sight of her steady breathing and the faint movements of her body as she stirs in her sleep put all my worries behind me. She’s safe, and that’s what matters.
Her eyes flutter open and I stand as still as can be, terrified that she’ll see, but she merely turns, pulling the thin white sheet with her.
The moonlight filters in through the curtains and leaves a trail of shadows that accentuate her curves as they play across the bed. She’s still as gorgeous as ever. Even in her sleep with no makeup on and her bare skin kissed by the faint light of the early morning, she holds a beauty that no one will surpass for me.
How many nights passed with me failing to see that? How much time have I wasted?
I can’t let a soul know I still love her. They’ll use her to get back at me.
My eyes widen and my grip tightens on the door as I hear my name slip through her lips. “Evan.” It sounded like a prayer, or maybe a plea. A soft moan escapes her lips as I take a hesitant step forward, wondering if she saw me or if I’m only with her in her dreams.
I start to question if she even said it, but then she says it again. The sweet sound of her soft cadence whispering my name is everything I need to keep going.
I swallow thickly, hating myself for what I’ve done and what I’ve put her through.
Chapter 22
Kat
* * *
It’s a feeling of unworthiness,
Undeserving of his trust.
That’s the part that kills my heart,
And turns my lust to dust.
My body begs me to fight for him,
To prove to him he’s wrong.
But he’s the one who should cave,
And I’ve known that all along.
My eyes pop open at the familiar creak from the stairs. My heart races faster and faster as I lie as still as I can. My body’s hot and the covers are making me even hotter, but I don’t move. I try not to even breathe as I wait for another sound. But nothing comes.
It’s just my nerves. Maybe a nightmare.
Slowly, my breath comes back, but I’m still too scared to move nonetheless. I blink away the sleep and tilt my head just enough to look at the clock on my nightstand. 04:14 AM stares back at me in bright red digital numbers.
The sounds of the city streets filter in and my heartbeat fades. It was nothing, I whisper and reach for my glass of water, downing it and then wishing there was more.
Get up.
I will my body to move. I wince and crack my back, letting my bare feet hit the cold hardwood floor. I don’t like sleeping alone and I don’t like how Evan’s side of the bed doesn’t have that faint smell of his anymore. I can feel the solemn expression on my face as I glance at where he used to sleep, but I keep going.
The floor protests as I walk, and I let the feeling that someone was in here leave me. I need a security system … or a dog. A big dog.
The corners of my lips tip up into a smile as I walk down the stairs.
Pushing back the hair from my face, I walk to the kitchen and turn on the light. It’s so early, but I’m hungry. To sleep, or not to sleep becomes the question.
It only takes a glass of water, two Twinkies and a couple handfuls of grapes before I don’t feel so hungry anymore and sleep is calling me upstairs again.
Passing through the dining room, I check over my shoulder, just to make sure there’s no one here. That eerie feeling is still clinging to me.
I think I’ll name the dog Brutus. My lips purse as I wonder how
dogs do with infants … I make a mental note to look that up first thing tomorrow.
I think I’m starting to really feel pregnant. It’s beyond being exhausted. It’s something else.
I almost head back upstairs, but my eyes catch sight of the flowers on the table.
The flowers Jacob sent me when Henry died are already wilted. Bright yellow sunflowers. They’re large and the stems are thick. But they’ll eventually die and by the looks of them, it’ll be soon. That’s what flowers do. They die.
Next to the vase is my laptop and I absently pull it toward the edge of the table and take a seat. My body aches, my hips especially, and sitting up feels better than lying down. I might as well get a little work in before I try to sleep again.
A yawn leaves me as the dim light of the computer brightens.
Studying the flowers again, I think about how fucked up it is that I turned down a man who could have been perfect for me. My fingertips brush along the petals. I’ll never know, but I don’t want to lean on a man or anyone else.
It’s time I took control of my life.
My to-do list is already set. First step: I need a new place. Somewhere near the Manhattan Bridge, I think. I click my laptop on and check my messages and emails, simply out of habit. But I’m so tired. A few of the candidates I picked to interview to be my personal assistant emailed me back. There are two of them I really like. I might actually hire both of them. Maybe that’s really step one. And then finding the perfect place will be step two. A smile plays across my lips and I nod to myself in agreement of my early morning can’t sleep, aha moment.
It feels good that I’ve got a plan to focus on. I rest my hand on my belly. And I’ll have it all fixed and ready before this one gets here. He or she will never know this place or all the hell that went on here.
My eyes drift across the room and the night that started it all plays out in front of my eyes. I look at the head chair and envision myself sitting there like a ghost, drinking wine and wanting to deny it and at the same time hating Evan because I knew he was lying.
Scarred: Sins and Secrets Series of Duets Page 11
