A dreadful breath leaves me and a sadness weighs down on my chest, but there’s conviction there too.
A new place, a new way of life. My fingers drift to my belly button and then lower. A new life entirely.
* * *
Diary Entry 6
* * *
Hey Mom, can I take back what I said?
I don’t think alone is the right word. Alone hurts my heart a lot. It hurts more than I want to admit. Mom, it feels like the worst thing in the world.
I think that’s why I clung to Jake. I just didn’t want to be alone.
But more than that, I want to be loved by someone who can love me the way I need.
I think maybe he could love me. It’s just not the right kind of love.
How did you know Dad loved you the way you needed? I just laughed a little writing this. I’m sure he made it obvious. He didn’t hurt you like Evan does to me.
I hope it doesn’t make you mad. I don’t think he means it. I just think he doesn’t know any better.
But I want more, Mom. I really want someone to love me.
I want them to love me like Evan used to love me.
I don’t know if it’s possible. I don’t know if maybe something’s wrong with me.
No, scratch that, there’s definitely something wrong with me.
I’m going to find someone.
Maybe not now, I don’t know when. And I’m not going to use them or compare them to Evan. It’ll take time, but I think eventually I’ll be able to do this.
You know sometimes I hate myself? Maybe that’s why no one can love me right. I can’t even love myself right.
But this baby makes me feel loved. This baby will love me, won’t he?
I promise I’ll give him every bit of love I have. I hope it’s enough.
Chapter 23
Evan
* * *
To move the mountains would be weak,
In comparison to what I’ll do.
There’s nothing that could hold me back,
You know I’d kill for you.
The danger that comes with it,
The sins that lie ahead.
It’s the only thing that keeps me from you,
But losing you is what I dread.
* * *
She took off her ring today.
I watched on a fucking security monitor as she slipped it off and held it between her fingers. Miles away with the sins of the city between us, all I could do was watch.
I shift my weight to my left leg, slowly as I quietly open the door.
Kat didn’t change the locks like she threatened to do, but that wouldn’t have stopped me anyway.
This is the point that I’ve truly gone crazy, but losing the woman you love will do that to a man. Watching her walk away when you know she loves you and you love her; it’s a torture that’s immeasurable and the destruction it leaves is unforgivable.
One step in, and not the faintest of sounds. The front door to the townhouse closes behind me softly.
Maybe I should have called, maybe I should have announced myself, but it’s my home. She’s my wife and this is where I belong.
I can accept that now. If I can keep secrets, so can Kat. I swallow thickly, closing my eyes and hating myself as I lock the front door. She better be able to.
I’m a desperate man. If anything happens to her, I’ll end it. I already know that. But I’m so fucking weak that I’m risking it. If only she can keep a secret, we’ll be alright.
My eyes open at the sound of the microwave beeping in the kitchen.
Beep, beep, beep and then I hear the door open.
She’s so close and knowing what I’m about to do, my heart races and I find it hard to swallow.
My body doesn’t wait for me. My feet move on their own, pushing me closer to her. I need to see her, even if she doesn’t see me. I can’t explain why, it just needs to be in person.
The only light in the townhouse that’s on is the kitchen light. It’s early morning and I wasn’t planning on her being awake.
I was just going to leave the gift on her nightstand. Maybe it’s a sign that she’s awake. A sign that I can’t be a coward any longer.
That’s what a man who waits in the shadows is. That’s what a man who hurts his wife is.
I walk into the kitchen expecting her to see me, but her back is turned as she stirs something in a bowl and then pops it into the microwave.
Fuck, I’ve missed this view. When she raises her arms, the t-shirt she has on slips up past her thighs and gives me the smallest peek of her ass.
I almost groan from primal deprivation. It feels like forever since I’ve held her, laid her in bed and enjoyed her in every way possible.
“Kat,” I say her name softly as the microwave starts and she whips around, backing into the cabinets with her hand on her chest.
I can see the outline of her breasts through the shirt and with her dark brunette hair a mess from sleep, she’s never looked more beautiful. More fuckable.
“You scared the shit out of me,” Kat says after a second, breathless.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I didn’t mean to.” I take a chance to move closer, but stop at the kitchen counter.
“What are you doing here?” she asks. The microwave beeps and she rips the door open without even looking and then slams it shut.
I cock a brow at her anger, but she doesn’t react.
“I brought these,” I tell her and pull the pair of baby shoes from my jacket pocket. They’re the same pair I wore when I was little. Smooth leather and simple, but before me, they were my father’s. I found them in a box in Pops’ basement.
Kat pinches the bridge of her nose and turns her shoulder to me, hiding her expression.
“Baby?” I whisper softly, cautiously even.
“What are you doing?” she asks me and looks me in the eyes.
“I know you’re angry.”
“Angry doesn’t even begin to cut it.”
“I know you’ll forgive me too,” I tell her with feigned confidence. I fucking hope she will. But from the look on her face, she knows it’s a bluff as much as I do.
“Fuck off,” she spits out.
“Because you love me. And you know I love you.”
“You love me?” she asks angrily. She storms toward me, sticking her finger in my chest as she yells. “This is what love is?” She shoves me back and I take it, loving the fight in her. But it doesn’t last long.
“Your father died and I had to be alone,” she speaks lowly and then takes a step back. “You chose to be alone,” she whispers. She tries turning from me again, but I grip her wrist.
“I didn’t want it to be like that. I swear to you.” Bringing up my Pops hits me hard. I keep forgetting. And that’s how I want it to be. I keep thinking he’ll call or text. I keep thinking when all this is over, we’ll have dinner together on Sundays again. And I hate it when I remember he’s not here anymore.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her as the feeling of worthlessness washes over me.
“Sorry doesn’t cut it!” she screams at me, her face turning red.
“You know what loving you means?” I ask her, raising my voice. “It means protecting you.”
“You can take all those words and-”
“They’re in my vows,” I heave out the words, my emotions rising and the thought of losing Kat forever becoming more and more real. “Protecting you is in my vows.”
“Don’t talk to me about vows,” she spits out. I’ve never seen her so angry. The look in her eyes is pure hate.
“Come here,” I tell her and her eyes narrow.
She tilts her head to the side and looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. My heart feels like it does a somersault, a painful flip in my chest as she says, “Don’t tell me what to do.”
“The only reason I’ve been gone is because being seen with you would put you in danger.” I hate myself the moment the confession slips out. Weak. I’m so fucking
weak. I need to be a better man for her, but I’ve never been good enough and we both know that.
Kat’s silent, but her expression is unchanged.
“I had to do it.”
“You don’t have to do a damn thing but breathe,” she says, leaning forward and gripping onto the counter behind her. It’s as if clinging to the counter is the only thing keeping her from clawing my eyes out.
“I was only trying to keep you safe,” I say the words lowly as the sight of Kat in front of me becomes more of a reality than my fear ever was.
She hates me. I’ve made my wife hate me.
“Well thank you for that,” she says sarcastically with tears in her eyes.
“I swear.” I feel tears prick my eyes as I fall to my knees in front of her. “I’m only here right now because I can’t stay away any longer.” My heart crumples at the words that I choke on.
Kat takes a small step back, brushing against the counter as she does and I grip on to her, begging her to listen.
“I didn’t know it would take this long.”
“What would?” she asks me, crossing her arms and refusing to look in my eyes, but she’s full of emotion and on edge waiting for me to open up to her. That’s what made her fall in love with me. I swallow the thick lump in my throat and pray that I’m not making a mistake.
“I’m ... ” I can hardly breathe as the words threatening, investigating, framing get caught in my throat.
“Tell me, Evan.” Kat licks her lower lip and stares down at me with tired eyes. “I’ve had enough and I’m over the secrets and the lies. I’m over this,” she says and gestures between us although as she does, her expression morphs into pain.
“It’s going to sound crazy,” I warn her.
“I’m already there,” she answers me sarcastically.
“James is the one who’s responsible for Tony’s death,” I tell her, still on my knees although I let go of her. I hate myself for telling her and bringing her into this, and I almost don’t say another word. I slowly rise to my feet and Kat takes a step forward.
“You better tell me,” she hisses, grabbing the arm of my jacket and forcing me to look at her.
“He was trying to kill me.” My throat feels dry and scratchy as the words slowly leave me. “And he knows I know.”
Kat shakes her head. It’s a small motion of disbelief, but she doesn’t speak as she drops her arm.
“It’s because of his divorce. He wants Samantha scared and he wanted to prove he’d do anything.”
Her mouth opens and closes, but she still says nothing.
Please believe me. “We’ve been tracking his schedule and routines, breaking into his house and office looking for evidence or something that can prove it.”
A huff of disbelief so faint I almost think I imagine it leaves Kat’s lips as she turns from me, facing the sink and putting her fingers to her lips.
“Talk to me, please,” I beg her and a trace of anger flashes in her eyes.
“You could have gone to the cops,” she finally says. “Like a normal human being.”
“I couldn’t go to the cops with nothing on him and James has proof. It’s his word against mine and he has photos.”
“He has photos of what, exactly?” she asks me.
“I was with Tony the night he died. James has pictures. He tried blackmailing me-”
“Jesus Christ,” Kat exclaims.
“You see why I didn’t tell you? It’s too much and you’re pregnant. If he’s after me and he knows I love you, he’d go after you too.”
“You could have messaged me; you didn’t have to hurt me.”
“He’s tracking my texts, babe, he’s following my every step. Just to get here, I had to make sure to lose the guy he paid to follow me around.”
“This is insane, Evan. You know that, don’t you?” She shakes her head again.
“I know, and I’m sorry. I have someone working on it and we’re trying.”
“Who?” she asks immediately and when I don’t answer she adds, “No more secrets, and no more lies. I want all of it.”
“Mason,” I tell her and it takes a moment to register.
“Does Jules know?” she asks me.
“I doubt it,” I answer her.
“So because you think I could have been in potential danger, you left me alone, treated me like shit and tortured me?”
“He would have killed you,” I tell her, stressing the truth of the situation.
“You don’t know that!” she shrieks at me.
“I met him and he brought you up,” my throat goes dry at the memory. “He would have gone for you Kat.
She shakes her head in disbelieving motions.
“If I lose you, I have nothing!” The words rip up from my throat, desperate for her to see what I’ve been seeing. To feel what I’ve been feeling. Complete and utter loss. I calm my voice and take a step closer to her and say, “If he killed you, I would have nothing to live for.”
She stares into my eyes with a look I can’t place and says, “I’d rather die beside you, than live without you.”
“I would kill myself if anyone hurt you. I don’t know how you can’t see that.” She appraises me for a moment, calming down slightly but still taking in everything I’ve confessed. “I promise it’s almost over. I promise I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t have to.”
“You should have known better than to keep that from me. What if you had died?” she asks me and I can’t answer right away. I’d never considered it.
“I was only planning to keep you safe; I wasn’t concerned for myself,” I finally answer.
Her face scrunches in complete disapproval.
“How dare you,” she says and condemns my actions.
“If you do what I say, we can still be together,” I tell her and the reaction I get is nothing like what I’d planned. She’s not at all moved by my confession. She can’t tell a soul or let on that we’re together. “If we’re together,” I stop mid-sentence, afraid that we’re not. Afraid that it’s too late.
“You don’t control me,” she seethes.
“Kat, I love you, but I will lock you in a fucking room to keep you safe. If you don’t listen to me, then you leave me with no choice. I swear to God I will.”
Smack!
My face burns with a stinging sensation as the sound rings in the air. My heart stops beating as my eyes widen, taking in the vision of a pissed off Kat in front of me with her hand still raised. My hand slowly rises to my jaw.
I’ve never seen Kat strike a person in my life. She’s not a violent person by nature.
But I guess I had it coming to me.
“Don’t you dare tell me that you love me.”
“I love you more than anything, and I’ll never deny it. I’ll tell you every single day for the rest of my life.”
“Really? ‘Cause you haven’t said a word to me in weeks! I’m pregnant with your child. A baby, Evan. And you left me. You left us.”
“I just told you why,” I point out. “I never really left you, Kat, and you know that.”
“You wanted me to believe that you had, and that’s even worse,” she says and I’m taken aback.
“You wanted me to hurt,” she says with spite.
“No,” I pipe up but she keeps going, shoving her hands into my chest.
“You wanted me to cry every night, knowing I wasn’t worth your time anymore.”
“That’s not true,” I tell her as tears prick my eyes.
“You could have told me the truth and not just that you were leaving for a short while and then ignore me.”
“I couldn’t risk you slipping.”
“I can keep a secret too.”
“One slip is all it will take. If anyone even thinks we’re back together… that’s all it would take.”
“Well you told me now,” she says with finality and I take her hand in mine, forcing it up so she can see.
“Because you took off your ring,” I tell her, n
ot holding back the pain it caused. “Because you kissed someone else.” Her fight vanishes, not all at once, but slowly as both of us breathe heavily, the air between us getting hotter. “Because I thought I was losing you forever.”
“You left me with no choice,” she tells me although a look of regret flashes in her eyes.
“I didn’t have one either. You have to believe me.”
“You love me?” she asks me.
“I do. You have to know it’s true. I know you do.”
“You want to be with me? You want to keep me yours?” she asks, completely serious.
“Yes, it’s all I want. And to keep you safe.”
“Evan,” she says my name softly but as it rings through the air to me, I hear the threat that comes with it. Her eyes pierce through me as she stares back at me.
“You’ll come back to me, every night. Every fucking night. You’ll message me back every time I text you.”
“I can’t text you back from my phone.” Her eyes narrow and I’m quick to come up with a solution as I offer, “But I can get another.”
“I don’t like you doing this,” she tells me and I remind her, “I promise it’s almost over.”
“Evan, you better never do this shit to me again.”
“I promise, baby. I promise.”
“We can get through anything, but never this again,” she whispers and I know I have her. I have her back and I’ll be damned if I ever let her feel lonely again.
Chapter 24
Kat
* * *
Please let me hold you,
I wish he would say.
Please let me hold you,
Please let me stay.
* * *
If I can’t have him,
My heart has flown.
If I can’t have him,
I’d rather be alone.
The microwave beeps but I have no desire to eat the leftover meatballs from the bistro anymore. I’m shaken to my core. My emotions are all over the place and I’m afraid to believe that we’re truly back together.
Scarred: Sins and Secrets Series of Duets Page 12
