Discount Noir

by Patricia Abbott

  “Oh, that’s terrible. What can I do?”

  “Marry an insurance agent,” says the doctor.

  “Will I live longer?” asks the woman.

  “No,” says the doctor, “but it will seemlonger.”

  Badda-boom-bah!

  That one still cracks me up. Anyway, after my wife passed away (ahead of schedule, according to my actuarial tables) and we had my retirement party at Applebee’s, I realized if I was ever going to do the stand-up gig, if I really wanted to become the next Don Rickles or Rodney Dangerfield (who, by the way, got a late start in comedy, too), if I wanted to make my darn dream come true, I had work to do it.

  So I started my pilgrimages to Megamart and its DVD department. I watched the Great Ones, did my homework, and, by golly, it paid off! I landed a job! An honest-to-goodness gig as a stand-up entertainer. They would pay me to put smiles on the faces of people I didn’t even know! Okay, they weren’t paying much but, hey, you can’t expect to start at the top.

  And it was a huge place, too. Packed ’em in every night, especially around the holidays.

  So, last Friday, I get my big break. Showtime is 6 PM.

  I dress up classy, just like all the performers who have worked here before me. Nice white shirt. Snazzy tie. Sharp vest.

  “Hey, folks, good to see you here tonight. You from out of town? New Jersey? Really? What exit?”

  Badda-boom-bah!

  Next, I see this fat lady. Perfect. I had memorized a whole bunch of fat jokes from the Big Fat Yo Mama’s So Fat Joke Book they sell at Megamart.

  “Wow,” I say, “you’re so fat, I bet when you step on the scale it says, ‘To Be Continued.’ Lady, you’re so fat, you have more Chins than the Hong Kong phone book. I tell you folks, if she puts on a yellow raincoat, people are gonna start screaming, ‘Taxi!’ I kid, ma’am. I love the fat people. Really, I do.”

  After I Don Ricklesed her, this really old guy, even older than me, shuffled through the door.

  “Look at this guy,” I say. “At his age, getting a little action means he doesn’t need a laxative. Hey, when he sinks his teeth into a steak, they stay there. This guy’s so old he drove a chariot to high school. I kid. I love the old people. Really, I do.”

  I’m living my dream but the whole thing screeches to a halt before I’m really rolling.

  Rick, the manager, comes over. Tells me to go home. He takes away my vest and my nametag. He fires me.

  Apparently, I’m not supposed to be so entertaining.

  I’m just supposed to smile and say, “Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Megamart” to everybody who walks into the store.

  They hired me to be a Greeter, “not some kind of comedian,” says Rick.

  That’s okay. I’m not bitter.

  I love you, Megamart.

  Really, I do. Smashing my car into that line of shopping carts in the parking lot? That was a joke. Really. I mean that.

  Have You Seen Me?

  By J.T. Ellison

  Megamart

  Black Friday

  5:05 AM

  The swarming lines of people were jubilant despite the unseasonably warm morning. There was Christmas in the air—the Muzak trembling under the weight of the bass line. O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum. Vicky tried to ignore the pulsing ecstasy that permeated the bargain hunters around her. She never thought she’d be in line at five in the morning on the craziest shopping day of the year, but her daughter so desperately wanted the Mercy doll. This would be Lauren’s last Christmas; Vicky wanted everything to be perfect.

  As if that would matter.

  The doors sprang open. With a cheer, the crowd flowed into the over-lit store.

  Vicky ignored the screaming signs and caterwauling masses, took a right turn, then a left. Victory! She was the first one here. The dolls were up ahead, the aisle shockingly empty.

  Except for the small, blonde angel, staring at the shelves with forceful longing.

  Vicky drew up short when she saw her.

  My goodness. She looks just like the little girl who was featured in that gossip magazine last week. Vicky had read the article, wondering if the age progressions could possibly be right. What would her own child look like in seven years, when the roundness of her baby fat smoothed into actual features? The thought ripped a hole in her chest.

  The little girl’s eyes were too big in her face, the sharp curve of her jaw jutting out. Could it be the same girl? Surely not. Surely this was a figment of Vicky’s overactive imagination.

  The crowds were closing in. Vicky snatched the precious doll from the shelf, tried to ignore the little girl standing so quietly beside her. Mission complete, she hesitated for another moment. The girl from the pictures would be nine now. Kidnapped on her second birthday, assumed dead. The age looked right.

  No, Vicky decided. There was no way. That little girl had gone missing from Minnesota. How would she possibly get to Valdosta, Georgia?

  The speakers poured out the Nutcracker, and Vicky felt a pounding in her temples. She needed to go—she had the doll, there was nothing keeping her here. But something pulled at her stomach, so she stooped and faced the little girl.

  “Are you—”

  The girl’s face contorted in fear and she dashed away.

  Well. That was that. Vicky took the doll for her sweet dying daughter and forced her way to the checkout. They were celebrating Christmas tomorrow night. Vicky swallowed hard. Her daughter wouldn’t make it until the actual day. She’d be lucky to make it through the weekend.

  She sighed deeply. What kind of woman would she be if she didn’t at least mention to the Megamart security guard that she thought she’d seen little Jessica Scott?

  * * *

  Lauren was mesmerized by the glittery tinsel dancing on the edges of the tree. Her mom was so sweet, trying hard to make this a nice Christmas. Lauren heard her slip out before dawn; she wasn’t supposed to know that Mom had run to Megamart to buy her the Mercy doll. But every noise, every conversation, echoed through the living room. The hospital bed, with its tubes and wires and beeps, wouldn’t fit upstairs. This way, she could see the fancy tree and the window with its view to the street.

  She was sorry to see her parents in so much pain. She’d been trying to help prepare them, so they would know she’d love them always. Dad rushed around with a haunted look on his face; Lauren knew that he felt guilty living. She didn’t know how to tell him that it was okay. Her mom was resigned and surged forward. Lauren sometimes felt it would be easier if she were gone; it seemed everyone was just waiting for her heart to stop beating. It wouldn’t be long now.

  She ran her hand over her bare head, still pained at losing the deep black hair. Mom promised that when she got to heaven, her hair would be back, but Lauren didn’t believe. Not really.

  She turned on the television with her remote. Mom must have been watching that Scottish comedian before she turned over the night shift to the nurse—the morning news was on. A big red banner flashed across the screen: BREAKING NEWS.

  Her mother was on the television. People were smiling, laughing, excited. Lauren felt the happiness flow into her. She was feeling so sleepy suddenly. She thought to call to Dad, to tell him Mommy was on the television, but her breath hitched in her throat.

  So tired.

  She watched instead, heard her mother talking about the little girl she’d seen. Another red sign came on the screen: JESSICA SCOTT FOUND!

  The newscaster said that Jessica had been missing for over seven years. That was longer than Lauren had been alive. Her mom had found the lost girl. They both looked so happy.

  It filled Lauren’s heart with joy. Her breath caught once more, and her mother’s smile shepherded her away.

  Contributors

  Patricia Abbott is the Derringer-winning author of more than sixty-five stories in print and online publications. She has forthcoming stories in the anthologies: Damn Near Dead II, Bats in the Belfry, and Beat to a Pulp, The First Round. She lives
and works in Detroit.

  Charles Ardai is the Edgar and Shamus winning author of Little Girl Lost and Songs of Innocence as well as the editor of HardCase Crime. His short fiction has appeared in numerous anthologies and he is a writer-producer for the SyFy television series, “Haven.”

  Jack Bates writes the Harry Landers, PI series released through Mind Wings Audio. His stories have appeared in Thug Lit, A Twist of Noir, and Pine Tree Mysteries. In 2009 his story “Emerald City Confidential” appeared in the anthology Shadows of the Emerald City.

  Eric Beetner is the co-author, with J.B. Kohl, of the novel One Too Many Blows to the Head. His short stories have appeared in the Murder on the Wind and Harbinger *33 anthologies. He is a full-time film and TV editor and producer living in Los Angeles and an award-winning filmmaker. More information, stories, and updates on future novels can be found at ericbeetner.blogspot.com.

  Laura Benedict is the author of the novels Isabella Moon and Calling Mr. Lonely Hearts. She also edits the short story anthology series Surreal South (Press 53) with her husband Pinckney Benedict. Her lifestyle blog, Wardrobe by Sam, chronicles the five months and two days she spent wearing only clothes purchased from Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club stores. She has no particular attachment to anyone working in her local meat department and has never, in fact, dated any guy who owned a Bronco. Her website is www.laurabenedict.com.

  Dozens of Fleur Bradley’s short stories have appeared online and in print. She recently completed a YA mystery she’s now busy finding a home for. Fleur lives in Colorado with her husband and two daughters; visit her blog on all things YA at http://yasleuth.blogspot.com/or her website www.fleurbradley.com.

  Cormac Brown is the pen name of an up-and-slumming writer in the city of Saint Francis, following in the footsteps of Hammett…minus the TB and working for the Pinkerton Agency. Some of his stories have appeared at Powder Burn Flash, Six Sentences, Flash Fire 500, Clarity of Night, Astonishing Adventures Magazine, Thrillers, Killers ‘n’ Chillers, Crooked Magazine, and Beat to a Pulp. You can find him at cormacwrites.blogspot.com.

  Toni McGee Causey lives in Baton Rouge with her husband and two sons; a Louisiana native (and Cajun), she has nearly completed a double masters at LSU. To support her writing addiction, she and her husband Carl run their own civil construction company. She is the author of the acclaimed Bobby Faye mystery series.

  Bill Crider is the Edgar-nominated author of more than fifty novels and an equal number of short stories. His latest novel is Murder in the Air (St. Martin’s). Check out his homepage at http://www.billcrider.com, or take a look at his peculiar blog at http://billcrider.blogspot.com.

  John DuMond’s stories have appeared in Defenestration, Powder Burn Flash, Flashing in the Gutters, and Jake Magazine. He lives in Albany, NY, where he works as an investigator.

  Chad Eagleton is a writer living in the Midwest with his wife and dog. His work has been featured online in Muzzle Flash, Powder Burn Flash, A Twist of Noir, Bad Things Pulp Pages, The Pulp Pusher, Beat to a Pulp, Darkest Before the Dawn, and others. His thoughts can be found at http://cathodeangel.blogspot.com, and his face at http://www.facebook.com/eagleton.

  In his varied professional career, Loren Eaton has worked as a business manager, entertainment journalist, voter registration drive organizer, and farm hand. When not home-roasting coffee or reading genre fiction, he likes to blog about narrative, genre, and the craft of writing at www.ISawLightningFall.com. He lives with his wife and son in south Florida.

  Garnett Elliott lives and works in Tucson, Arizona. Previous stories have appeared in Plots with Guns, Thuglit, and Out of the Gutter.

  J.T. Ellison is the best-selling author of the critically acclaimed Taylor Jackson series, including All the Pretty Girls, 14, Judas Kiss, and The Cold Room. She was recently named Best Mystery/Thriller Writer of 2008 by the Nashville Scene.

  Anne Frasier is an award-winning author of nineteen novels. She was a contributor to the 2009 Once Upon a Crime anthology published by Nodin Press and is currently editing a short-story anthology of Halloween tales. She recently completed a memoir about her years spent on an apple farm. Anne lives in St. Paul, Minnesota, and rural Wisconsin.

  Ed Gorman has published more than thirty novels and seven collections of short stories. His novel The Poker Club recently became the source for a feature film. His work has won the Shamus and been nominated for both the Edgar and The Golden Dagger.

  Chris Grabenstein did improvisational comedy in New York City with Bruce Willis before James Patterson hired him to write advertising copy.

  His John Ceepak mystery Tilt a Whirl, published in 2005, won the Anthony Award for Best First Mystery and was on several Best Mysteries of the Year lists. It was followed by Mad Mouse, Whack a Mole, Hell Hole, Mind Scrambler, and, in May 2010, Rolling Thunder. A John Ceepak short story appeared in Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine in June 2010.

  Chris is also the critically acclaimed author of the holiday thrillers Slay Ride and Hell for the Holidays and his short story “The Demon of the Dunes” appears in Charlaine Harris’s Death’s Excellent Vacation anthology in August 2010.

  His first book for middle-grade readers,The Crossroads, won both the Agatha and Anthony awards for best Children’s/YA Mystery and has been optioned for film. The sequel, The Hanging Hill came out in 2009 from Random House and is followed in 2010 by The Smoky Corridor.

  Chris is also the author of the children’s play Curiosity Cat, the “play within the book” from The Hanging Hill, which had its world premiere at the Children’s Theatre of Knoxville in April 2010.

  Chris’s dog Fred has even better credits: Fred starred on Broadway in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

  Alan Griffiths, a rookie writer, hails from London, England. His short fiction can been found on several webzines: A Twist of Noir, Pulp Pusher, Powder Burn Flash, The Flash Fiction Offensive, and Thrillers, Killers n Chillers. When the mood takes him he blogs at http://britgrit.blogspot.com/.

  Dorte Hummelshoj Jakobsen is a teacher from Denmark, married, with three grown-up children. In her spare time she reads and reviews crime fiction, and recently she has begun writing crime novels (in Danish), as well as flash-fiction stories (mostly in English). This is her first publication.

  Evan Lewis shops the Megamart stores in Portland, Oregon. His first Skyler Hobbs tale, “Skyler Hobbs and the Rabbit Man,” appeared in the February 2010 issue of Ellery Queen. His work has also appeared in Reflection’s Edge, Oregon Literary Review, and the western anthology A Fistful of Legends. His blog Davy Crockett’s Almanack can be found at evanlewis.com.

  Sophie Littlefield grew up in rural Missouri. Her debut, A Bad Day for Sorry, was released in 2009. Like her heroine, she enjoys quilting and sewing. She lives with her husband and two teenage children near San Francisco, California.

  Todd Mason, born 1964, has worked in nearly every capacity with literature, from writing to publishing to bookselling. His infrequent fiction has won minor awards, and has been short-listed for more impressive honors.

  John McFetridge is the author of the novels Dirty Sweet, Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere, and Let It Ride (Swap in Canada). He lives in Toronto with his wife Laurie and their two sons.

  Kyle Minor is the author of In the Devil’s Territory, a collection of stories and novellas. His work has appeared in The Southern Review, Plots with Guns, Arts & Letters, Twentysomething Essays by Twentysomething Writers, and Best American Mystery Stories 2008. His website is at www.kyleminor.com.

  Donna Moore is the author of Go to Helena Handbasket, which won the Lefty Award in 2007 for the most humorous crime fiction novel. She has had short stories published in various anthologies: Damn Near Dead, Hell of a Woman, and Best British Mysteries, as well as online for Pulp Pusher. Donna runs a blog called Big Beat from Badsville, which focuses primarily on Scottish crime fiction. She has never stolen anything from Megamart UK.

  Daniel B. O’Shea is a Chicago-area writer. His first novel, Unto Caesar, is represented by Stacia D
ecker at the Donald Maass Literary Agency. You can visit his blog at www.danielboshea.blogspot.com.

  Eric Peterson has a Criminal Justice Degree from Michigan State University and works in the security field. His retail experience includes stints doing Safety and Loss Prevention for TJ MAXX and IKEA. His interests include hi energy rock’n’roll, crime fiction, films, Sweden, and roller derby. He currently lives and works in Ann Arbor Michigan, and can be found on the web at www.restlesskind.blogspot.com.

  Bryon Quertermous’s first play was a shameless rip-off of The Maltese Falcon and was produced when he was nineteen. His short stories have appeared in several print and online magazines plus the anthologies Hardcore Hardboiled, The Year’s Finest Crime and Mystery Stories, and Uncage Me. He’s working on a novel based on a short story pulled from one of his failed novels.

  Keith Rawson is a little-known pulp writer who lives in the alkaline desert wastelands of southern Arizona with his wife and very energetic three-year-old daughter. His stories have appeared in such publications as Plots with Guns, Pulp Pusher, CrimeWav.com, Bad Things, Powder Burn Flash, A Twist of Noir, Beat to a Pulp, and many others. He is the U.S. editor of the zine Crime Factory and talks about short stories on Bookspot Central.

  James Reasoner is one of the most prolific Western writers working today, with more than two hundred books to his credit, both under his own name and under various pen-names. In the mystery field he is best known for the novel Texas Wind, which has achieved legendary status as a collectible paperback. For several years early in his career, he wrote the Mike Shayne novellas in Mike Shayne Mystery Magazine under the famous pseudonym Brett Halliday. Under his own name in recent years, he has written a ten-book series of historical novels set during the Civil War and several historical novels about World War II. He lives in Texas with his wife, award-winning mystery novelist Livia J. Washburn. He recently penned the first of the new Gabriel Hunt series, published by Hardcase Crime: Hunt at the Well of Eternity.