The Violet Widow? (Shattered Heart #1)

by K E Osborn

  “Angel, what’s going on?” I know she only smokes when something is going down.

  “No, it’s okay. Just… family stuff. Nothing for you to worry about, Boss. I promise it’ll get sorted,” she says and then smiles at me.

  I purse my lips. I don’t believe her, but I’m not going to push her either. If she doesn’t want to open up to me then that’s fine, just as long as it doesn’t affect her time here.

  “Okay, but if you need to talk, you know my door is always open to you. Always,” I exclaim and she smiles and nods taking in another puff.

  I exhale and walk inside and straight to my office. I spent all of last night with Hudson again and I’m really starting to feel something for him. It’s strong and powerful and it sometimes makes my head spin when I think of how quickly this has started. We’ve been seeing each other for three months now and the need to tell him about this place is getting stronger. I feel like I’m lying to him and that he needs to know. I’m just so fucking scared. I don’t want to lose him. He’s working his way into my frozen heart and I want him to penetrate it fully. I want him to want me no matter what, even with my gigantic flaws. I just honestly don’t think it will turn out that way.

  How could he possibly fall in love with an ex-whore?

  I know if the roles were reversed and I found out he was a male escort, I’d probably run too. I let the ocean breeze waft over me, with its soothing gentle strokes through my hair. It’s so hot. Summer’s here are scorching, but the best part about working on the beach is the sea breeze. We all know it calms me, but it’s also soothing with its crisp freshness. I sit back in my chair and I honestly can’t be bothered doing any work. I’ve had the last week off work with Hudson. He stayed home too, and even though his work kept calling him to come in, he didn’t and spent it all with me, which I was eternally grateful for. Just spending time with him and Midas was just what I needed after the turmoil of emotions I felt at Christmas. I pull out my mobile and send Hudson a message. I know I only just saw him, but I’m bored already and I can’t stop thinking about him.

  I drive back to Hudson’s after work. It’s three a.m. and I’m pretty sure he’ll be home soon. I now he’s had a shit day at work, so I want to go in and make him feel better. I don’t know what he does officially, but I’m sure it’s not legal and I’m just hoping I’m not coming home to see his face bloodied up or something. He was very vague on the phone and he seemed a little off. I just hope that whatever’s happening with him, it’s nothing too serious. If he is involved in something illegal and it backfired, I don’t think I could handle if he went to jail or something worse. I might try to get some information from him tonight about what he does without making him want to know about my job.

  I pull into the driveway and his bike is there. I smile knowing he’s home. I walk to the front door and let myself in with my key. Midas greets me at the door and I pat his head.

  “Where’s your dad, hey boy?” He nuzzles into my legs as I walk into the kitchen. “Hey babe,” I call out as I see him bent over looking in the fridge.

  He looks up and he has an angry look. His nostrils are flaring and his eyes are dark and cold. He grunts and slams the door shut and walks past me into the lounge room with a beer in his hand.

  “Hey,” I say sternly as he hardly acknowledges my presence.

  “Sorry. Hey, come here I need to hold you,” he says as he flops down onto the sofa. I put my bag on the table and walk over and sit down next to him and cuddle into his side.

  “So, work was really bad then?”

  “I just wish I could have helped him you know?”

  “Helped who?”

  “A guy died today. He got shot and there was nothing I could do to help him. I just… I feel useless you know.”

  “I’m so sorry, was he a friend? Are you okay?” I ask as I rest my hand on his knee.

  “Of course, he was a friend, Vee. Us guys are like a band of brothers. Of course, I’m not okay,” he says slightly louder than his normal voice. I wince and he rubs his temple. “Sorry,” he says and I frown and rub his leg.

  “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t think.”

  He takes another sip of his beer and rests his head back against the sofa. I can’t help but wonder how his mate got shot, maybe in a bungled robbery? Who knows? All I know is that I’m starting to get a little concerned for Hudson. If his mates are getting shot, it means he could too.

  “Hudson were you in danger?” I ask quietly. The tension in the air is thick and I know most of it’s coming from him.

  “Vee, you don’t want details, remember?”

  I swallow and bite my bottom lip. “I just want to know if you’re safe. Do I need to worry about getting a phone call from the police telling me you’re dead? I couldn’t handle that, Hudson.”

  He exhales and rubs his eyes. “Look Vee, I don’t want to break your precious fucking rules on sharing. You don’t do details and if you’re not willing to tell me what you do then I’m sure as fuck not going to go into details of my life. You know so much about me and I know jack shit about you. It’s pissing me off,” he says and stands abruptly, walking over to the fish tank.

  I swallow hard and my body tenses. He wants me to tell him, but with the bad day he’s had hearing what I do could just tip him over the edge.

  “Hudson, you know I want to tell you—”

  “Do you? It’s been three months, Vee! Three. Fucking. Months! I tell you I’m falling for you and still nothing! If you don’t trust me by now then maybe you never will,” he yells making me jump in my seat.

  “Hudson—”

  “Save it, Vee. I hate that you won’t talk to me. Why the fuck is it so hard for you to open up to me? You basically live in my house. I don’t know if I can show you any more trust and respect than that and yet you can’t even tell me your fucking job! I don't know who, what or when someone screwed you over but enough is enough, just fucking tell me!”

  I wrap my arms around myself for comfort as he turns away from me running his hand through his hair.

  “I’m scared,” I admit.

  He turns and looks at me glaring fiercely. “Of what?”

  “My past, Hudson. It’s tainted and I’m scared that if I tell you, you’ll leave me.”

  He throws his hands in the air in frustration.

  “For fuck’s sake, I’m not going to leave you. I just want to know. What’s so terrible that it would push me away because, to be honest, Vee, you’re doing a great fucking job of that all by yourself right now.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask breathlessly.

  “I mean that if you don’t talk to me, tell me what’s going on, I’m done! I can’t live in this fake world with you pretending like we’re a normal couple, when we’re so far from normal it’s doing my fucking head in. You knew this was coming, I’ve tried so many times to get you to trust and open up to me and you won’t do it. So what’s the fucking point?”

  “Seriously?” I ask, starting to get a little annoyed at his persistent yelling.

  “Yes seriously. Tell me everything or I’m done,” he says looking at me with his nostrils flaring and rage in his eyes.

  Now I’m angry. How dare he boss me around like this? I’m not telling him so we can stay together and if he doesn’t want me then fine. “Fine, you want to act like a spoilt brat, Hudson, then do it. I’m not going to sit around here and wait for you to break my heart like I always knew you would. You’re an arsehole and I can’t believe I thought you’d be different. I can’t believe I trusted you with pieces of my heart. Just know that I’ve fallen for you. Hard! But if you can’t wait a little longer for me then I guess we are done! I’ll come back tomorrow and get my stuff,” I say and stand up feeling infuriated. My heart is racing ferociously and I feel sick. I can’t believe I’m about to walk out on him, after everything I have been through. But he’s giving me no choice. I can’t tell him now, he’s too angry. Maybe it’s better this way before I fall completely and hopelessly in
love with him and he breaks me when he finds out what I am anyway. Maybe this is the right thing to do?

  He looks at me and grits his teeth. “Just know, Vee that you did this to us, you broke us, not me,” he says glaring at me.

  I bite my bottom lip and shake my head flaring my nostrils. “Fuck you, Hudson Stone,” I yell and storm over to grab my bag.

  “Fuck me? Fuck you and your damn secrets. I can't play this game anymore. You are fucked in the head! You’re the one who’s breaking me here. Can’t you see that?” he yells, walking over to me. I turn to face him and look into his beautiful eyes and I know he is right, I am seriously fucked up!

  “If you’re so broken then don’t let me leave,” I say softly.

  He huffs and shakes his head running his hand through his hair again.

  “I can’t, Vee. I don’t… I can’t… Oh, fuck. Just go! You don’t trust me. It can’t work. Just… go! I’m so fucking angry, I just… have to get away from you right now,” he says and walks down the hallway and out of my sight.

  It feels like a freight train has passed through me at a million miles an hour like all the wind has been taken from my lungs and I can’t breathe. He’s given up on me and it hurts so fucking much that if I could cry I’d be hysterical. I look over at the two googly-eyed goldfish and shake my head.

  “I could’ve easily fallen in love with you,” I yell out to him and grab my bag and walk toward the front door. My heart is shattering so fast and so hard I can’t think straight. I walk out slamming the front door behind me and move quickly to my car. I get out my keys and open it, getting in and slamming the door. I grip onto the steering wheel so tight my knuckles turn white and my breathing is so rushed I feel dizzy. Anger surges through me and I can’t help it as I scream into the steering wheel. Hudson made me feel, but right now I wish I could turn back into The Violet Widow – emotionless and numb. I want to be feeling anything other than this ripping pain that’s running right through my chest, tearing me apart. I finish screaming and gather myself together and turn on the ignition, I put my car into reverse and as I pull out I see the front door open and Hudson step out. He looks at me and his eyes are glistening like he’s really upset. Our eyes lock and he frowns, so I pull my eyes from him and drive off down the road.

  Away from Hudson Stone.

  Away from what I thought may have been my future.

  I drive toward my house, a house I should never have left. I knew this would happen. Well, not this way, but I knew he would leave me eventually. I knew it and yet I stayed, hoping that with time, and more and more emotions that he would see past my job and love me for me, but we didn’t even make it that far. My bottom lip is trembling all the way home and I feel like I want to cry so badly. I wish I could, maybe it would make me feel better to cry, to mourn the loss of Hudson. But I can’t even do that! That’s how utterly fucked up I am.

  A bright light suddenly brings me back into the now and I look up from my steering wheel to see two bright headlights aimed in my direction. I grab the steering wheel hard and swerve just in time to miss an oncoming car as its horn honks loudly as it passes by me. My heart thuds in my chest as I swerve onto the median strip and then back on to the road trying to gain control of my car. My breathing is erratic and my heart’s racing so fast it feels like it’s going to explode through my chest. I grip onto the steering wheel tightly as I pull over on the side of the road and just gather my breathing and try to calm my erratic heartbeat. I rest my head on the steering wheel while my body starts to shake uncontrollably. That was a close call. I really need to get this autopilot thing in check before I kill myself, or worse someone else. What if there were a father and his son in that car just then and we crashed? What if I had killed them with my inattentive driving?

  “Get a grip, Violet,” I say to myself as my heart slows back down and I glance up into the rearview mirror and look at myself. I see someone I haven’t seen for a long time. A woman who is utterly alone. I see The Violet Widow staring back at me and I don’t like it one bit. So I look away, check my mirrors and then pull back onto the road, making sure to pay more attention.

  I pull up at home and walk inside. It’s dark and it’s cold like always. I feel strange being here. Like I don’t belong, but I don’t belong at Hudson’s either. So now, I have nowhere to go that feels calm to me. Nowhere, where I can feel at ease. I have no sanctuary to go to. No home. Here feels lonely. Work is the cause of all this and Hudson doesn’t want me, so where does that leave me? I walk in and flop down on the sofa. I feel like I shouldn’t be here, my place is with Hudson, not with my boys anymore. And thinking that makes me feel abhorrent that I don’t belong with my boys. What kind of fucked up wife and mother am I, if I don’t even feel close to my boys anymore? What the fuck is happening to me?

  I wish I’d never met Hudson then I’d feel at ease here. I’d still be able to feel Danny. I’d still feel close to him and Caiden, and now I feel more alone than in the five years that I had no one in my life. My chest is heaving and I can’t seem to get enough oxygen into my lungs. I open and close my eyes a few times, trying to calm myself. I stand up feeling dizzy and walk around the lounge room in a confused state. My whole body is shaking uncontrollably and I am starting to sway.

  I don’t know where to go.

  I don’t belong here.

  I don’t belong at Hudson’s.

  I can’t go to work – that’s what started all this.

  I have nowhere.

  I have no one.

  I am completely lost and the part of me that was healing is slowly fracturing again piece by piece. I grab my handbag and walk, I have to get out of here. The feeling that I’m betraying Hudson, and then the feeling of guilt because I feel that way in Danny’s house is doing my head in.

  I need to get out. Now.

  I rush to my car and get in, starting the engine as quickly as I can and pulling out onto the street. I’m breathing so fast I can’t even think straight. I’m on autopilot and I have no idea where I’m going, I just need to get there. I drive while I’m hyperventilating and my thoughts flick between Hudson and Danny, both breaking me.

  They both left.

  Yes, in different ways, but they both left!

  I can never bring myself to trust another man again. The way I’m feeling right now, I resent men. I can’t even bring myself to think about falling in love again. I don’t know if that’s what this is with Hudson, all I know is that I’m hurting, like hell and I hate this feeling. I feel like I’m dying. Living in a world without Hudson… that thought is driving me crazy. I feel sick. I actually want to vomit. My stomach churns and my mouth floods with saliva, the bile rises in my throat, but I manage to keep it down somehow. I pull the car up and my hands are gripping the steering wheel tightly again. My hands are aching from the intense pressure, but the pain is nothing compared to the slow ripping apart of my heart. I get out of the car and lean against it. I have no idea where I’ve driven to until I open my eyes and look at the bar in front of me.

  Amor.

  The only sanctuary I have left.

  How sad am I that the only place I feel slightly at ease is a bloody bar? I swallow hard and walk into Amor and straight to the bar.

  “Hey, haven’t seen you in here for a while,” the bartender states. I shrug and he looks at me frowning and pursing his lips together. “Had a rough day?” I nod and he smiles. “Okay then, one Cosmo coming right up.”

  “Thanks,” I whisper while I take a seat on the barstool and I rest my elbows on the bar and my head in my hands. It feels weird, three months ago I met Rock in this very bar. It feels strange being here without him. I feel like a part of me is missing and I realise now that I don’t have any sanctuary’s left at all. My whole world has been turned upside down because of the handsome stranger with the mesmerizing eyes that I met here all that time ago. The bartender brings over my Cosmo and places it in front of me on the bar. I look up at him and pull my bag up to get out my purse.

/>   “Don’t worry about it, this one’s on the house. I just hope it helps. I’ve never seen you look so miserable,” he says, then half-smiles and walks off. I exhale and put my bag back down and put my head back in my hands.

  I miss him already. Is that even possible? I wish I was stronger. I wish I believed in him enough to tell him. The thought of losing him has driven him away anyway. I’m so messed up. I wish he was here. I wish we could sort this all out. I wish I could tell him and just see what his reaction would be. But now, I won’t even get that chance.

  I feel empty. I feel lost. I’m completely alone with a heart that’s irreversibly shattered.

  I exhale and take a sip of my Cosmo and then put my head back in my hands. I wish this day was over. Maybe I’m just supposed to be miserable for the rest of my life. Maybe it’s God’s way of punishing me for being a lady of the night. I know full well that Danny would be ashamed of me. Why did I even go down this path? A path of destruction and loneliness. A path that’s ultimately leading me to my downfall and being by myself forever. This is my punishment and now I have to suffer in silence and just live with the fact that I’ve fucked up. Big time!

  My whole life was perfect until my boys died. After that it’s been one shit storm after another. I can’t even believe that I’ve made it this far. Maybe I should have been in the car with them when they died, that would’ve been so much easier. Much simpler.

  Why was I left here? Alone!

  God, I miss Hudson. I want his arms around me. I want to feel his lips on mine. I want him deep inside me and knowing I won’t have that ever again has my head in a spin. I feel like my body is shutting down and I have no idea where I’m going to go once Amor closes at six.

  “Looks like you’ve had a rough day,” I hear and then feel a hand on my back.

  I look up and see Hudson standing there looking at me cautiously. My heart melts slightly as he repeats the exact same words he first said to me three months ago.

  My bottom lip trembles as he exhales and opens his arms like he wants a hug.