by K E Osborn
“No, it’s okay. I don’t want you to feel sick on your own,” he says making me exhale in delight, he really does care about me, and I love that.
“No, really it’s fine. Please, go for a swim. I wanna watch you like a weird perverted stranger from afar,” I joke and he laughs.
“Okay weirdo. I’m missing my workout today, so a swim will help with that, but if I take too long, or you want to go home just come and get me or call out to me, okay?” he asks looking deeply into my eyes.
“Sure, I promise.”
He kisses me quickly and I sit down in the ankle deep water and watch as Hudson makes his way through the water and out into the depths of the ocean. He really does have the body of a God. I’m so lucky in that respect.
My eyes move back over to the Cadets getting their sailboats ready. It caught me off guard seeing them. Danny was a Naval Cadet, he said it was the best time of his life and he was in the Cadets when we were at school. He would go there every Friday night and hang out. He had high hopes of Caiden joining when he was old enough, and seeing them now makes me think he would only be a couple years away from joining them if he were still…. here with me. My heart starts to race erratically as I suddenly think of my boys. I’m here with Hudson, having a good time and then bam something hits me and reminds me of what I’ve lost. Of how my life has changed and how much I still miss them. Even though, when I go home I don’t feel the connection like I did, I certainly feel close to them here, and now. I wish Caiden were here. He would’ve been so excited about the boats, and Danny would’ve taken him over and introduced himself, and asked if they could show Caiden a few things. Danny was such a good dad like that. He would have done anything for his son. They had such a strong bond and the love our family shared was out of this world. I miss them, every single day. But missing them doesn’t bring them back. Nothing will bring either of them back to me. There’s not a magic potion or some pill I can take to wipe my memory. No, there’s nothing, I just have to live with the utter chaos that is my life.
I look out into the water and notice Hudson swimming slowly, but with purpose and my heart constricts and then explodes as I stare at him. It’s so hard to know what I’m feeling. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will love Danny for the entirety of my life. There is no doubting that, so where does that leave Hudson? It’s not possible to love two people at the same time, right? Even though I feel like that’s what I’m feeling, my emotions are torn. If I admit to Hudson that I love him, that would be betraying Danny. It would be like admitting that I don’t love Danny anymore and that’s simply not the case. If Danny were to come back and waltz onto this beach and I had to pick, it would be hard, but right now, in this moment I would still choose Danny. So, in all fairness I can’t tell Hudson that I love him, and as much as he wants to hear it, I can’t do that to Danny. I know he isn’t here to see any of this, but it’s more for my own sanity if I even have any of that left.
I think I do love Hudson, but I won’t say it out loud until I’m absolutely sure that he’d be the one I’d choose. It’s not fair for me to tell him I love him and then for him to always play second fiddle to a dead man. That’s so unfair on Hudson and even though I know the feelings are there, I know beyond a doubt that I do love Hudson, I can’t admit it, and especially not when he still doesn’t know about my work over there. Maybe once I’ve told him about what I do, and if the dust settles, and he’s still around then I will know I can give him my entire heart. Then and only then, can I put Danny to the back and make Hudson my number one.
Honestly, I’m looking forward to the day when I can tell him all about Danny and Caiden. It would be nice to tell Hudson I was a mum. I wonder where he sits on that whole thing? Whether he wants children in his future? That’s something we will have to discuss when I open up to him. I’m not sure I could handle having another child because I think it will be too painful, and I’d feel like I was replacing Caiden, when no child can compare to my little man.
I exhale and stare at the boats sliding across the beautiful clear blue sea water and watch as they sail off across the ocean. I smile as I think of how much Caiden would have loved sailing like his dad. They were two peas in a pod and anything Danny liked, Caiden was sure to as well. I just wish I’d spent more time with them while they were alive. I wish we had more weekends at Victor Habour. Caiden used to love it there. He was a great animal lover and seeing the little penguins on Granite Island always made him laugh. I loved his laugh, just thinking of his gorgeous little chuckle is bringing water to my eyes. I love him so much that even thinking about penguins is making my heart race. He loved the way they waddled, and he and his father always used to walk around like penguins when we got back to the shack after going on the tours. I exhale while I remember the good days, days where life was simple and uncomplicated. I was a wife and a mum, that’s all there was to me. Life was easy. Not like it is now with my head in a spin every day about betraying my dead husband with the man I’ve currently fallen for. Not to mention all the head fucks that work has to bring, including the major one of me not being able to tell, said man I’ve fallen for, about what I do and have done in the past for a living.
Ever since my boys died, my life has been one royal fuck up after the other, and the only bit of light in this whole disaster of a life is a man who’s slowly making his way back to me now. I know I should give him a chance. I should trust that he loves me like he says he does and that my past won’t interfere with our relationship, but let’s be honest sometimes love just isn’t enough.
“You have your serious face on, you okay?” he calls out to me as he walks toward me.
I exhale and put on a fake smile and nod. “I’m fine, just a little hot,” I lie. I feel terrible thinking about all the good times with my boys while I’m having a great time with my new man. It’s doing my head in and, to be honest, I just want to get out of here. Away from the Cadets that are reminding me of my boys, away from work that’s reminding me of how utterly disappointed my dead husband would be in me, and not to mention get away from the elephant in the room about where I work and hiding it from Hudson. This place is just a little bit of an emotional rollercoaster and I would like a one-way ticket off right now, thanks.
“You wanna head home?” he asks placing his hand out for me to take.
I take his hand and he helps me up, pulling me into an embrace and resting his cheek on my head as I nuzzle into his chest.
“Yeah, if you’re ready to leave, so am I,” I say and he pulls back and looks into my eyes. I feel like they’re watering again, but just like every single other time the tears won’t fall.
“Baby, you’d tell me if something was wrong, wouldn’t you?” he asks looking at me.
I sniff and bring back my fake smile. “Of course, I’m just hot, I promise. I’m not used to being out in the sun for such a long period of time, that’s all. Can you take me home and we can have a long cold shower together?”
He smiles and leans down kissing me gently. “Baby, we can do anything you want, as long as we’re both naked,” he says and I shake my head and smirk at him, then lean on my toes and kiss him vigorously, taking him by surprise.
I’m feeling conflicted. All the thoughts I’ve been thinking are muddling my brain and I just need a little reassurance that Hudson is in this with me and that I’m doing the right thing.
“Where do you think we’re headed, Hudson?”
He pulls back and looks at me with a smile. “I don’t know, but it’s exciting. Plus, it’s really nice to have a lady snoring in my ear at night instead of Midas,” he jokes.
“Be serious! And I do not snore, you dick,” I berate.
“A-huh sure thing, little firecracker,” he says making me pout.
I lean in and kiss him again quickly and he pulls away.
“Well, even though you snore, I’m glad to have you in my life and I honestly couldn’t see it without you in it. I love you! I’m, in love with you, Vee – is that serious e
nough for you?”
It’s just the reassurance I was after.
“Yes, that’s serious enough for me. Thanks, Hudson. I needed to hear that.”
He smiles and pulls me closer to him. “Well, it’s the truth, baby,” he says leaning down and kissing me passionately.
Out of all the emotions I’m feeling right now, the main one is adoration and affection toward Hudson, who has been nothing but my safe place lately, my true north, my home… my rock.
It’s been a week since the incident at the beach. I’ve been trying to push all my thoughts of my boys to the back of my brain and just concentrate on the one person I do have, Hudson. It’s getting close to bedtime, we’ve decided on an early night, it’s only ten p.m., so we thought that we’d spend it together in bed watching television and cuddling. It’s not often Hudson gets off work early so when he rang and told me he was finishing, I left work too. Let’s be honest I’m only really there to do the books and to make sure all the employees are okay, other than that, the place runs just fine without me, even though I don’t want to admit it.
I’ve just gotten out of the shower while Hudson is finishing his workout, and now that I’m out he’s stepped into the shower. When he gets out, we’re going to bed and spending the night like a loved up couple. I put on a silky negligee and wait for Hudson. I make my way to the kitchen with Midas in tow and I get out one of his treats and hand it to him while he wags his tail happily. I pat him on the head as he inhales his biscuit.
“You’re meant to chew it you know?” I say to him as he smiles up at me.
Ding dong.
I look toward the front door and crease my eyebrows in confusion as Midas barks and runs toward the door. Who the fuck could be here at ten at night? I look back toward the bedroom to see if Hudson’s coming out, but I can vaguely hear the shower in between Midas’ incessant barking.
“Midas, shhh,” I say as I walk cautiously toward the front door.
Knock, knock, knock.
“Hudson, are you in there?” I hear a female voice call out.
I instantly tense up and walk to the door looking out through the peephole. It’s a woman about my age, blonde hair, ridiculously pretty, and she looks scared. I bite my bottom lip as she knocks again. I swallow hard and open the door. She exhales and her body slumps when I open the door.
“Thank God you’re home,” she says and then looks up to see me. Her eyes widen and she takes a step back.
“Can I help you?” I ask as she stares at me all wide eyed and her mouth drops open.
“Um, hi… sorry. Is Hudson home?” she asks and I nod.
I want to know who she is, she’s so pretty and it’s unsettling me.
“Can I see him?” she asks looking at me sideways.
“Who are you?” I ask, sounding blunter than I’d intended.
She furrows her eyebrows and frowns. “Um, I’m Cassie. Hudson and I go way back. Is he home or not?” she asks starting to sound annoyed.
“What do you want with him?” I ask as my heart starts to pound a little faster.
“Um… I’d rather not say. Is he home or not?” she asks, crossing her arms over her chest in defense.
“Wait here, I’ll go get him,” I say and shut the door in her face.
I walk down to the bedroom and my heart is racing. Who the hell is fucking Cassie? I walk into the en-suite and he’s still in the shower. I open the door and he looks at me through the clear shower screen and smiles. I frown in response and he wipes the mist from the screen and looks at me.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asks and I sit on the edge of the basin.
“There’s someone at your door.”
He looks at me raising an eyebrow and shakes his head. “Who the hell is here at ten at night?” he asks washing the soap suds from his gorgeous body.
“Some girl called Cassie,” I say and his body stiffens and he looks at me intensely. I don’t like that look at all.
“Seriously?” he asks, turning off the taps.
I nod and he steps out of the shower and runs his hand through his wet hair.
“Did she say what she wants?” he asks and I shake my head.
“Who is she?” I ask sounding more defensive than I mean to.
He looks at me and swallows hard. “Um… she’s my first girlfriend. We were childhood sweethearts, and she left me because she couldn’t handle my work and the hours I put in,” he says and my body tenses.
What if she wants him back? I bite my bottom lip and nod.
“Hey, there’s nothing for you to worry about, okay?” he says walking over and pulling my head up to look at him.
“Did you love her?” I ask and his body slumps.
“I’m not going to lie to you, yes I did, but there’s only one woman I want to be with now, Vee, and that’s you, okay? Please don’t worry about this. I’ll put some clothes on and see what she wants, and then we can get into bed and cuddle all night,” he says trying to reassure me. I nod and he grabs a towel from the rack and starts to dry himself. “Where is she?” he asks and I shrug.
“Standing outside. I didn’t know if I should let her in or not.”
“Okay, well let her in. Take her to the lounge and I’ll be out in a minute,” he states and I nod and hop down from the basin and go to walk out. He grabs my arm and pulls me to face him.
“It’s all right, Vee,” he says leaning in and kissing me softly.
I nod, exhale and walk out of the room and back toward the front door. I open it to see her standing there waiting and looking all around like she’s worried someone might be in the shadows.
“He’s just got out the shower. He said to come in and he’ll be with you in a minute,” I say and take a step to the side so she can pass by me.
“Thanks,” she says and walks inside. I watch her as she makes her way to the lounge room like she knows where to go. I close the door and follow her then take a seat on the sofa. She stays standing and holding herself as she paces the room.
“So you and Hudson, hey?” she asks as she looks at me and frowns.
I screw my face up at the way she said it like I’m not good enough for him. Well, it’s probably true but I don’t need her thinking that.
“Yeah, he said you were his first girlfriend?” I ask even though I know it’s the truth.
“I was his only girlfriend,” she says and looks at the fish tank. “He got a new fish,” she says and I instantly tense up. It means she’s been here after they broke up when he started his job, that unease’s me.
“Yeah,” I say and she nods and looks around as Midas goes up to her and cuddles into her side.
“Hey Midas, I’ve missed you,” she says and I tense up even further. She knows his dog? That means she must have been here in the last three years because he’s only three years old.
“So, um… when was the last time you saw, Hudson?” I ask, she smirks and goes to talk when he walks in wearing shorts and nothing else.
I scowl at him just as Cassie shrieks and runs across to him. I watch as their bodies connect and she practically jumps on him holding him tightly to her. I scowl and exhale as he wraps his arms around her, but not tightly like she’s doing to him. He looks at me and I cross my arms over my chest. I hate seeing another woman touching him.
“God, I missed you, H,” she says making my eyes widen and my mouth drop open.
I’m right here, bitch!
He takes hold of her arms and pulls her away from him, but holds on to her at an arm’s length.
“Cassie, it’s good to see you, but why are you here so late at night?”
She looks down at the ground as he lets her go and she starts to cry. He winces and pulls her to his chest, embracing her tightly. My chest constricts and it’s like all the air has been sucked out of me as I stare at Hudson comforting his ex.
“Cass, what’s going on?” he asks, as I gnaw on my bottom lip.
She looks up at him through her tear soaked eyelashes and flutters them
making me want to hurl.
“Can we talk? In private?” she asks looking over at me and then back to him.
I so desperately want to rush over to her and rip her hair out, and claw at her eyes, but I restrain myself. I can feel my breathing become rushed and harsh. Hudson looks at me and winces.
“Cass, anything you want to say, you can say in front of, Vee,” he says and I slump slightly in relief.
She looks at me and frowns creasing her eyebrows together. “Hudson I really need to talk to you alone,” she reiterates and he shakes his head.
I stand up getting both of their attention. “It’s okay Hudson, I’ll be in the bedroom,” I say as I walk past them swallowing hard. Hudson watches me and grabs my arm.
“Vee, you don’t have to—”
“No, it’s okay. I guess you guys have a lot to catch up on,” I say and he frowns while she smiles slightly.
“Vee—” I shake my arm free from his grip and walk down the hall. “Violet!” he says, but I keep walking. I hear him exhale loudly as I walk down the hall holding myself and trying my hardest not to feel as insecure as I’m feeling right now.
“So, you and her are a thing?” I hear Cassie say.
I stop in the hallway and turn back to listen.
“Yes we are, and I’m very happy with her, Cass. She gets me and is supportive with the hours at work,” he says making me feel slightly less on edge.
“Hudson, I didn’t come here to argue. I know it was wrong. The way I left you was cruel and I know you’re committed to your work and I know that it will always come first. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you though,” she says and I gasp rushing my hand over my mouth.
“Cass don’t, we’ve been all through this. You wanted to come first, I get that, but work is important to me and I can’t change that fact. Plus, it’s too late now, I’m in love with someone else. Someone who doesn’t give me ultimatums and who doesn’t make me feel like a bad partner all the time. We had our chance, Cass, and we just weren’t meant to be,” he says and I lean against the hallway wall and slide down it slowly until I’m sitting on the floor with my back against the wall and my knees cradled into my chest.
