The Violet Widow? (Shattered Heart #1)

by K E Osborn

  “Boss? Boss, are you okay?” I hear Angel say, but I can’t reply because I’m too busy trying to catch my breath that I can’t seem to get.

  “Boss, it’s okay. It’s just a panic attack,” Sheila says as she leans into my side trying to comfort me while I fall apart in the back of a police van. I begin to rock back and forth trying to catch my breath.

  “It’s okay, Boss. We will sort it out, I promise,” Angel says as an intense ringing starts vibrating through my ears.

  I want to cry, so badly.

  I want to scream.

  I want to punch something.

  I want a chance to explain, but I know I’m not going to get that. He wouldn’t even look at me.

  I’m not strong enough.

  I can’t do this.

  I can’t be alone again.

  I just want to give up.

  Hudson obviously doesn’t want me now and despite his promises this morning I knew this would be too much for him. I knew it would end this way and yet I stayed with him for a little over six months and was kidding myself into thinking he could actually love me anyway.

  I don’t know how long I sit in the van freaking out, but eventually I calm down enough to get my bearings. Angel and Sheila are looking at me with their brows furrowed and concern etched in their teary eyes.

  “Boss, are you with us?” Angel asks.

  I nod and look up at them both and exhale loudly. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have lost it like that in front of you guys,” I say and they both shake their heads.

  “No Boss, it’s okay. We know how you must be feeling. This could ruin Cupiditas reputation. This is a big deal,” Sheila says and I nod. Poor thing doesn’t know just how bad it really is. It’s not just the business that’s in trouble, it’s my entire relationship, with a man that I let change me. He changed me back into Violet. The Violet I had lost and slowly with every metre we drive toward the police station I can feel my heart freezing back over and The Violet Widow is resurfacing. As much as I don’t want her to, I know that Hudson is going to irreparably break me – it’s just a matter of when.

  “Angel you know, don’t you? You know who had the drugs on my premises, right? That’s why you’ve been smoking?” I ask and she looks down at her hands and nods.

  I shake my head and exhale loudly. “I’m going to fucking kill him,” I mumble under my breath and Angel bites her lip confirming that it was indeed Papi that was storing the drugs.

  The van suddenly pulls up and we all look at the doors as they are pulled open to two policemen waiting for us to get out. We stand up and move out of the van. They usher us into the police station along with the others who are arriving at the same time.

  I look around, but I still can’t see Hudson anywhere. My anger is dissipating and the utter despair that’s washing over me is engulfing me entirely. I don’t know how I’ll cope without Hudson. A world without him would be the end of me I’m sure.

  We walk inside and we are all placed in a large holding cell while they wait for one of us to confess. I’m sure they will interview us all individually. I just hope Papi owns up, sooner rather than later, so I can get the hell out of here and go back to clean up the mess the cops have made of my business. They un-cuff us all and we take a seat on the bench which surrounds each wall. All fourteen of us. Five men and eight women, nine including me. And we all look as terrible as each other, but Papi more so.

  We sit in the cell quietly while we wait for whatever is about to happen. I sit in the corner away from everyone. I don’t want to be near anyone right now and I don’t know what I’ll say to Papi if I even so much as look at him. I’m leaning against the wall with my feet up on the bench and my knees cradled to my chest. The tension in the air is thick and no one is saying a word. The door to the cell opens and I turn to see Hudson… gorgeous, handsome Hudson. He looks in, but purposely avoids eye contact with me.

  “Okay, anyone want to talk about the drugs found hidden in the wall cavity at Cupiditas today?”

  I know none of us will rat-out Papi so, we have to wait this out until he gets the courage to open up. I look at Hudson willing him to look at me, but he doesn’t. My eyes start to well up and this time my eyes are filling with water, this is the closest I’ve come to crying in a long time. My bottom lip trembles while I look at the man I love and feel nothing but coldness in return from him.

  “Okay, well we literally have all night,” he says and then closes the door without looking at me. I watch him standing at the door looking in. His eyes are watery and his lips are pursed together. He looks miserable, but I can’t look at him anymore, it hurts too much so I close my eyes and rest my head on my knees.

  “Boss?” I hear Star say quietly. I look up at her and she looks from Hudson back to me.

  “That’s Hudson from the beach, right? Isn’t he your boyfriend?” she says and everyone looks at me as pain rips through my chest. I look up at Hudson and he’s finally looking at me. And I can’t hold it in anymore. I gasp as I look into his cold eyes. A freight train runs through me, crushing my heart and my body starts to shake and I know by looking in Hudson’s eyes right now that I have lost him, forever.

  I can’t help the sob that escapes me and the walls finally break as tears flow over my eyelids and down my cheeks. The feeling of the salt water on my skin is foreign to me. I haven’t cried in nearly six years and now that I am crying again I feel so desperately sad. I knew Hudson could break me. I knew from the moment I saw his multi-coloured eyes, the ones that are staring back at me through the door. I burst into a river of tears as Hudson looks at me and winces, but then turns his back and walks away. I start to really sob. I can’t believe it can hurt this much. I let myself be open to him, to let him into my heart. He tried to put me back together, but right now I feel more broken than before I met him. I lean against the wall and cry hard into it as everyone gasps around me.

  “I’ve never seen Boss cry before?” someone says. I don’t know who says it, all I can concentrate on is the feeling washing over me like I’m drowning. I’m drowning in quicksand and I can’t get free. Hudson is killing me slowly and right now I wish I could go back, go back to Danny and have him here with me. I miss Danny and that makes me feel even worse because I feel like I’m betraying Hudson. I’m so fucked up. I feel a hand on my back as I cry myself stupid. I’m having trouble breathing and snot is bubbling from my nose. I can’t even control the noises I’m making.

  “Boss, he didn’t know, did he?” Sheila asks and I sob again and hide my face into the wall further.

  “This is bullshit. Boss is the strongest woman I know and look what you’ve done to her!” Angel yells making me jump slightly.

  “Angel shut up,” Star calls out.

  I’m still facing the wall, but I can feel the tension in the air.

  “Papi, c’mon,” Sheila says.

  “No, I can’t lose him,” Star says under her breath.

  “Sarah baby, look what I’ve done. I’m sorry, I love you - but I’m sorry,” Papi says and then I hear footsteps and then a pounding on the door. I look back toward the door and see Papi banging on it and Star grabbing at his hands and pulling him away.

  “Carlos, please don’t do this,” she begs and starts to cry.

  My crying slows while I watch Papi and Star. He takes hold of her shoulders and looks her in the eyes.

  “Look what I’ve done to Boss. That’s not right, Sarah, I have to tell them. Even if it puts me in danger. Maybe it will stop the Dogs from coming after me… after us,” he says and I wipe my nose with the back of my hand.

  “Papi, what if they hunt you down?” she says, now she’s the one sobbing.

  My heart breaks a little for Star. The door opens and a cop is looking in assessing the situation.

  “What’s going on?” the cop asks and Papi leans in kissing Star on the head.

  She bursts into hysterical tears as he lets her go and walks across to the cop. “I’m ready to talk,” he says and I start to cry a
ll over again. Even though I hate Papi for putting us all in this situation, I still feel sorry for him. That was a lot of tablets he was hiding and I’m sure he’s going to be going away for a very long time.

  “Okay, hands out,” the cop says and Papi obliges. The cop handcuffs him and takes him out of the cell. Rosie walks across to Star and comforts her while I find my place back against the wall. I silently cry as does Star while we all wait. It feels like Papi has been gone for ages and my tears haven’t stopped flowing since they started. It seems once you open the floodgate it just keeps on coming, no matter how hard you try to stop it. Hudson hasn’t come back in and I can’t see him when I look out the door. I feel like my whole world has disintegrated again and if feels like I’m right back to where I was the night Danny and Caiden died. I feel utter despair and I have no way of rectifying it.

  Suddenly a wave of anger washes over me. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I say quietly. Everyone looks at me and raises their eyebrows. “Why. Didn’t. You. Tell. Me?” I reiterate, but much louder this time. I bring my head up and look directly at Star and Angel.

  They both swallow hard and Angel shakes her head slightly.

  “I’m sorry, Boss. We thought he had it handled and under control,” Angel says.

  I raise my lip in disgust. “And by having it handled, you thought him bringing four bags full of ecstasy tablets into my business was him handling it?” I ask through gritted teeth.

  “They said they were going to kill me if he didn’t hold the drugs for them,” Star admits and I shake my head.

  “Then go to the fucking police!” I yell startling everyone.

  I’m breathing quickly and I feel like I’m starting to panic again. Angel walks over and wraps me in her arms. I fall into her embrace and start to cry all over again.

  “We are sorry, Boss. We thought he seriously had it handled. He was going to give them the drugs today and then he would be free of them,” Star says and it doesn’t ease me at all. In fact, it only makes things worse. I start to sob again as the door to the cell opens. I glance up to see Hudson standing in the doorway. His suit jacket is off and his tie is loosened around his neck. He looks as crap as I feel. He looks at me briefly and winces, then he looks away.

  “Okay, the rest of you are free to go,” he says emotionlessly. Everyone starts to stand and walk out. I stay seated on the bench because I can’t honestly be bothered moving. Everyone walks out except for Angel, who stops to look back at me.

  “C’mon Boss, we have a lot to clean up,” she says and puts her hand out to me. I don’t take it and she exhales.

  “See what you’ve done to her?” Angel snarls looking at Hudson.

  He winces and frowns and then looks at me. His eyes glimmer and I know he’s hurting just like I am. I can’t even begin to imagine what he’s thinking right now.

  “You’re free to go, Violet,” he whispers and then walks off leaving the cell door open and Angel standing in the doorway waiting for me.

  My heart constricts and then implodes on itself. Angel walks back in as I clutch at my chest wanting anything to take the utter agony away from it right now.

  “C’mon, let’s get you out of here,” Angel says soothingly as she takes my arms and pulls me up. She wraps her arm around my waist and walks with me. I’m barely functioning and I’m finding it hard to walk, but Angel helps me. We get to the front of the cell and I notice Hudson looking at me. My bottom lip trembles and I watch him swallow.

  He looks away and I start to sob uncontrollably while Angel helps me out of the police station and away from Hudson.

  We walk as a group back to Cupiditas. I cry the whole way while Angel comforts me. Everyone else is silent, excluding Star, who’s being comforted by Sheila. I never wanted Hudson to find out this way. I can’t even begin to imagine what he’s thinking. All I know is that I’m totally embarrassed and so deflated that I don’t think I could stand to see him again. I know all my stuff is at his house, but after I clean up at work I’m going to go home, back to my boys. The two men who I should never have left. It really is my own fault for letting them go. I never wanted to. My boys meant everything to me and I let another man make himself more important to me than their memory, and the thought of that is killing me right now. This is my punishment for putting Hudson first. The reason I couldn’t feel Danny anymore at home is because he was disgusted with me for being with Hudson. And me dreaming up all the ways that Danny was telling me to be with Hudson – what kind of sick, twisted, weirdo am I?

  Danny wouldn’t want me to be with another man.

  He wouldn’t want me to love someone the way I loved him.

  Who the hell was I to think differently?

  This is karma coming back and biting me firmly on the arse. Well, from now on I can tell you that The Violet Widow’s heart will never thaw again, not after this. Hudson meant everything to me and he couldn’t even look at me. He didn’t even want me to touch him. To me, that means we’re over. I obviously disgust him and I don’t blame him.

  We arrive back at Cupiditas and the place looks like a bomb has gone off. I don’t even know what to think when we walk through the doors. There’s paper and stuff everywhere and I don’t even know where to start. I bend down and start clearing items from the floor in front of me.

  “Boss, we got this. Why don’t you go home and get some rest? You look like you’re about to fall over,” Angel says and I exhale and look around the place that used to be my sanctuary. Now it just looks like a hell I need to get away from. I nod and Angel pats me on the shoulder. I walk into my office and collect my bag and then step back out to reception.

  “I’m sorry I yelled at you, Angel,” I say as I walk past her.

  “It’s okay, I understand. Take a few days. I’ll have this place back up and running in no time. I promise I’ll sort everything out okay, Violet?” she says and I’m taken aback by her calling me by my name.

  “You called me, Violet,” I say and she smiles and nods.

  “Sorry, Boss,” she says and I wipe my nose and start to cry again as I walk out of this hell hole. There’s only one person who calls me Violet and that’s Hudson.

  “Get some sleep, Boss,” she calls out while I walk out of the doors. I step toward my car with tears falling down my face.

  I get in and I’m sure I’m on autopilot again. I don’t even remember starting the engine, but somehow now I’m sitting in the driveway of my home. My home with my boys. I wipe my nose again and get out of the car and walk to the front door. It’s the end of autumn and close to winter. There’s a chill in the air and I get goose bumps as I put the key into the door. I open it and the smell of musty air hits me as I step inside.

  I feel completely numb. I haven’t been here in over two months and everything is the same as it was, just dusty and stale. I put my bag on the buffet and walk in turning on the lights. I notice the picture on the television cabinet in the lounge room of my family and the realisation that I should never have left them washes over me. I walk slowly toward my bedroom, my tears fall slowly with each and every step I take. I feel so strange like I shouldn’t be here, like I should be at Hudson’s, but I don’t belong there now and I don’t belong here either. I don’t belong anywhere and it scares me. That and the thought of never seeing Hudson again. That scares the absolute crap out of me.

  My whole world is scaring me right now. As a matter of fact, I’m terrified and the only thing I can think of to help me possibly make it through is to be close to someone who loved me for me. Who didn’t care about anything other than the fact that he loved me unconditionally. I walk into the bedroom and into the robe and pull out one of Danny’s hoodies. I lift it to my nose and smell it, inhaling sharply. I can smell him, and instantly I start to sob loudly and uncontrollably. My knees feel weak as I mourn the loss of three people, Danny, Caiden and now Hudson. All the boys that have made a huge impact on my life and they’re all gone in one way or another. The pain rips through my chest and my knees give
way and I fall in a heap onto the floor of the walk-in robe. I cling to Danny’s hoodie for dear life as I lay in the fetal position on the floor and cry into it. I reach up and grab at more of Danny’s clothes pulling them from the hangers and they cascade to the floor surrounding me, with all things Danny. My heart is ripping apart, it’s splintering off into a thousand tiny shards that are slicing through my insides to make their way out. I’m shaking and I’ve never felt lower than how I feel right now. My life is all about loss and I just don’t know how much more I can take.

  I sob hard into his hoodie for hours until I have no energy left to sob. My bellowing slows and stops though my tears continue to fall, but only softly as I lay on the floor in a dreamlike state. I have never cried so much in my life. I know I need to move, but I don’t know how to get off the floor, I have no energy. The emotional roller coaster I’ve just been on, plus the loss of Hudson all mixed in with this cold is making it very difficult for me to motivate myself to get up. I honestly can’t be bothered. So I decide to stay here… on the floor. I watch as the sun sets and the moon rises, shining a blue light across the room. My eyes are still leaking, but I’m not crying anymore, I just can’t seem to turn off the tap now that it has been turned on.

  I vaguely hear the doorbell ring, disturbing me from my haze. I focus my eyes and listen again to see if I was hearing things, but it rings again. I slowly sit up feeling dizzy as I rise. My eyes roll around in my head slightly, but I manage to focus as I try to pull myself up off the floor. Then comes the pounding on my door. I crease my eyebrows and walk slowly to the front door holding on to the wall as I walk to steady myself. I have zero energy and I have no idea who’s there. No one ever comes to my door. I slowly make my way to the noise as the person pounds on it again.