Holy fucking hell. I dragged in breath after breath, but I couldn’t seem to make my lungs work. If he meant to scare me, he’d succeeded. He’d roused a fire in me which wouldn’t be easily quenched. This was Jase. My friend.
But there was nothing friendly in the way he looked at me now or the way he licked his bottom lip.
It wouldn’t take much for him to kiss me. All I had to do was lean forward, but a sense of self-preservation held me in place. Did I want to risk losing the one good thing in my life? My one lifeline?
I was a coward. So I ran. I didn’t look back to see if pursued me.
Chapter Eight
I sat on the bed with papers spread before me. Like Jase said, there weren’t many lines for me to memorize. The script seemed solid, nothing like I’d imagined a porno to be. A storyline and character development actually existed.
On the flip side, many stage cues littered the pages. The positions and scenes involved made me blush. Actress sucks actor’s dick. Yeah, a bit out of my comfort zone.
I powered on my phone and Googled oral sex. I flipped through the screen captures of the video results and chose one at random. I paid little attention to the man’s hairy penis, choosing instead to study the sounds the girl made. Light moans and sucking noises escaped her, things male viewers would enjoy. I’d heard enough crude comments from the boys at school to know what was expected.
The video stilled and an unfamiliar number appeared in its place. I didn’t remember Mark’s number, but it was close enough to convince me to answer. I pressed the green button and put the speaker to my ear. “Hello?”
“You little bitch!” a voice hissed. “I take you in, food and clothe you, and this is my thanks?”
Tom. He must’ve called me from a friend’s phone.
My stomach lurched, and I gripped the phone tight. “I’m an adult. I don’t have to stay with you.”
“Don’t expect to get your stuff. I’ll burn it before I let you have it.”
His venom surprised me. Why did he care if I stayed or left? As long as I kept my mouth shut.
“Keep it.” None of it mattered. Not if it meant I’d never have to see Tom again. “I don’t want it.”
“You’ll—”
“I’ll what? Be happy to be free of you? I’d say you’re fucking right.” I hung up, cutting off whatever Tom had been about to say.
I’d meant what I said to him. I didn’t care about my belongings. My freedom was more important. I refused to be his victim again.
The video on my phone resumed playing, but I stopped the playback and set my phone aside.
I breathed in and out, slowly, repeating it until I felt my heart race slow. I pinched the inside of my forearm, centering on the pain until everything else receded. My new, manicured nails were too thick to break the surface of my epidermis, but the dull impact against my skin eased my turmoil.
God damn it.
I focused on my lines, repeating them over and over again until I could recall them verbatim. The steady memorization, combined with the dull pain of my fingernails, centered me despite the riot of emotions. I paid no attention to the time or the hunger pains gripping me as the sky darkened outside my window. It had to be past seven, but I continued working on my lines and imagining the acts I’d perform with Mark.
Gah.
It was hopeless. I’d be a complete failure. Everyone would laugh at me. Mark. Posey. Posey’s snobby friend. Jase.
Jase.
My thoughts coalesced on the one person who mattered most. So much had changed since yesterday. How would I deal with the shift in our relationship? I needed Jase, had to have him on my side. I couldn’t exist in a world where I didn’t have Jase.
Suddenly I missed my mom. My mom would’ve known what to do. Maybe not about the porn situation, obviously, but she’d know how to cheer me. She’d make me a batch of her amazing peanut butter cookies and we’d stay up and watch Titanic for the thousandth time.
I missed her and my dad. Dad was a quieter presence in my life, but he’d been there. They were gone, and it wasn’t fair. Nothing would ever be right again.
For the first time since I’d left Tom’s, I cried. Broke down and heaved big, ugly, gulping sobs. My nose ran, and I wiped it on the sleeve of my sweater. Mascara coated the material, staining the pretty face Honey had given me.
I scrubbed my hands over my cheeks, rubbing at my lips and eyes until my skin felt raw. I didn’t want it, any of it. I wanted things normal again.
“Cara?”
My hands stilled, and I sucked in a bracing breath. Of course Jase would appear when I had a nervous breakdown.
I kept my eyes covered; reluctant to let him see me cry when he’d witnessed me do so for the last couple of months. “Go away, Jase.”
“What’s wrong?” His voice grew louder, enough for me to know he came into the room instead of leaving like I’d asked.
A short bark of laughter escaped me. “Nothing’s wrong. What makes you say something’s wrong?”
I moved my hands away from my face. Jase’s gaze was serious and he approached me slowly, as if he were worried I’d bolt.
I slapped my thighs and groaned. “I can’t do this. Look at me. I’m a mess.”
“You’re not a mess.” He shoved aside the chaos I’d made of my script and perched on the edge of the bed. “Life’s thrown you a few curve balls lately, but things will get better.”
I arched an eyebrow. “Really, Sigmund Freud. Will they? It’s been almost three months, and not a damned thing is better!”
My voice rose to a hysterical pitch, and I didn’t care.
I didn’t fucking care.
“My parents made me a social pariah. My uncle’s a damned pervert, and I’m homeless. How is it better, Jase?”
He stilled, so much so that if I touched him, I was afraid he would crack. His lips barely moved. “Explain.”
“Shit.” I realized my mistake.
Jase leaned forward and pinned my wrist. “What did he do?”
I hadn’t meant to let the bit about Tom slip. I’d known Jase would blow his top, and I refused to be the reason he got in trouble. “It’s nothing. Forget I said anything.”
Jase’s heavy breathing lifted his shoulders. “You have until the count of three or I’ll go and find out for myself.”
“Oh my God!” I tugged on my wrist, but couldn’t shake him. “I overreacted. That’s all. He did nothing.”
Jase let go of me and ran his hand through his hair. “I shouldn’t have ignored the signs. You hated going to his house. I’m such an idiot.”
“It’s not your fault.” I tried to touch his arm, but he jerked away from my touch.
“Tell me.” Jase got to his feet, but leaned over me, imprisoning me against the headboard. “Tell me what the bastard did to you.”
I hated this. I wanted no one to know, especially Jase. My cheeks flamed with heat, and I refused to look at him.
“He touched me.” My voice was barely more than a whisper.
Jase narrowed his eyes. “Where?”
I shook my head. “You know where.”
“Did he—” Jase didn’t finish the question. He sucked in a breath and visibly fought for control. “Did he rape you?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I left before he could.”
With a suddenness that startled me, Jase spun and slammed his hand through the drywall. The plaster cracked and gave way beneath his vicious punch.
I’d never seen Jase this upset, not even when a group of kids had picked on me at the playground during junior high.
He lowered his head, but kept his hands planted against the wall. “That’s why you left.”
I covered my eyes again; unable to face the pity. “Yes.”
I caught his scent a moment before Jase encircled me with his arms. He cradled me against his firm chest, holding me. His muscles were rigid with anger, and I heard every breath. His heart pounded beneath the thick sweater he wore. He was upset,
but at least he hadn’t asked me questions I wasn’t prepared to answer.
“I’m sorry.” His words whispered across my temples as he rubbed his cheek against mine. “I should’ve been there to protect you.”
“You didn’t know,” I argued.
“I was an idiot.” He cursed softly. “It was so obvious. I shouldn’t have missed the signs.”
I shrugged out of his grasp. “You’re not responsible for me. Don’t blame yourself. I should’ve put an end to it long before.”
Jase’s features hardened into an inscrutable mask. “You’re the victim, Cara. You were put in a situation beyond your control. The fucking bastard. I’m going to kill him.”
“No, you’re not.” I grabbed his shoulder and waited for him to meet my gaze. “It’s over. I’m safe now. Don’t say or do anything. Promise me.”
His eyes flashed with fire. “He deserves it for touching you.”
He did. That much was true. I slid my hand down to clutch his arm. “I can’t go through it again. The looks. The rumors. I just can’t.”
Jase jerked away from me. “He needs to be behind bars.”
“I’m not a child. I could’ve left. He didn’t rape me. No court will give him more than a misdemeanor. If even that! It’s my word against his, and what judge will listen to the daughter of a murderer and adulteress?”
Jase’s voice dripped venom. “Don’t piss away your life because of your parents’ faults. You’re better than that, Cara. What they did was horrible. It scarred you in ways I can’t imagine. I was there. I saw what happened. You’re their daughter, and you held up better than I did.”
He hadn’t been there when I’d first found them. He hadn’t seen me vomiting over and over again when I’d discovered their bodies. If he had, he wouldn’t praise me so.
“You’re living under a delusion if you imagine anyone back home gives a fuck about me. The whispers, the stares. They were killing me, Jase. I was this close to breaking.” I held up my thumb and forefinger to demonstrate. “But I left it all behind. I’m here to start a new life, and I can’t do it if you expose Tom. You’ll expose me as a result.”
“Cara.” His voice softened, but his frame remained taut with anger and frustration. “You’re killing me. It’s not fair for you to deal with this alone. At least talk to someone.”
“Who?” I shook my head. “I tried therapy. It was pointless. I don’t need a complete stranger telling me what to do.”
“That’s not how it works,” he broke in.
I waved aside his words. “I’m fine. I hardly think about them anymore. I’m safe from Tom now. I want to put everything behind me and start over. A new life, remember? A new me.”
I fluffed my hair, but the stands felt limp and stringy. None of the beautiful curls remained. Their loss made me want to cry.
Jase tucked a strand behind my ear and stared into my eyes. “You can’t keep doing this. You can’t bottle everything up inside. It’s not healthy. If you don’t want to talk to a therapist, talk to me. I’m here to listen.”
He’d seen enough of my shame. I’d always been secretive, but to break down and tell him everything? Inconceivable. “Thank you, but I’m fine. Trust me.”
“That’s the damnable thing. I do.” Jase gave me a crooked half smile. “You make me so angry I want to hit things, but I care about you. I’d do anything for you.”
“Even let me star in one of your films. Sure you’re ready to take the risk?” I smiled to let him know I was okay. Not a victim. Just a girl ready to make a new life for herself.
His answering smile widened into a full-fledged grin. “With one of my friends as your co-star? You never make it easy for me.”
“Mark?” As I’d suspected, they were buddies. “How close are you?”
He shrugged. “Close enough for it to be uncomfortable. I’ve talked about you to him. He knows how I feel about you. I should probably punch him for talking you into auditioning.”
How did he feel about me? Really? It was on the tip of my tongue to ask, but I stopped the words before they left my mouth. Things were strained enough. “I can quit.”
“You’d do that?” Hope warred with disappointment in his voice.
“If you want me to.” I didn’t know what I’d do to make ends meet, but I wouldn’t impose on my one true friend any more than necessary.
Almost as if he sensed my thoughts, Jase reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled envelope. “Here. This is for you.”
“What is it?” I took the envelope and looked at the Dagger Productions return address embossed on the front.
“Your first week’s pay.”
I widened my eyes. “I get paid? But I’ve done nothing yet.”
“It’s your sign-on bonus and to comp you for your time today.”
I ripped open and stared at the unbelievable number. “Two thousand dollars?”
Jase snagged the check from my nerveless fingers and set it on the nightstand. “A debut actress doesn’t get paid as much as an established one. I hope it’s acceptable.”
“Are you kidding me? It’s more than enough! I’ve done nothing but get pampered so far.”
“About that.” He leaned forward and fluffed my messy hair. “Red suits you. What made you choose the color? Most actresses choose platinum blonde.”
I shrugged. “I wanted to be different.”
“You are.” His gaze moved across my face. “You’ll break everyone’s hearts.”
Yours? I bit my tongue and choked back the inappropriate question. “If I can learn my lines.”
He glanced at the disorderly pile of papers on my bed. “Are you having trouble?”
I hadn’t forgotten his offer to help. I shuffled the script into order and extended it to him. “Want to test me? I’ve been working on it all afternoon.”
Jase took the papers in his lean fingers and scanned the first page. “What do you think of it?”
“The script?” At his nod, I shrugged. “I’m not an expert, but it seems well-written. Mark has the better role, for sure, but I appreciate the actual plot.”
“And the material?” Jase flipped to the second page before glancing up at me. “Are you okay with the schoolgirl theme?”
My cheeks, damn them, heated once more. “It seems fairly tame.”
“Trust me; my viewers adore stories like this, one where a young girl is ensnared by a much older man.”
Perhaps it was my experiences, but the thought didn’t sit well with me. “Are you saying all of your viewers are perverts?”
Jase cocked his head to one side and studied me. “I’m not saying that at all. Sure, some of them may be, but youth captures their attention. A young girl who is sexually adventurous is the Holy Grail to our audience. The schoolgirl theme is highly popular across all nationalities and cultures. Who am I to argue with human nature?”
He had a point. Who hadn’t seen a sexy schoolgirl outfit? Hell, I’d even worn one for Halloween a couple years before, back when I’d been nothing but a stupid teenager trying too hard to fit in with Jackie and her friends. I’d grabbed attention, but not the sort I’d wanted. But a flicker of a memory reminded me of Jase’s reaction. He’d refused to come near me that night.
Perhaps there was truth to his statement after all.
Jase moved back to the first page and recited Mark’s opening lines. I responded easily, quite sure I had the first scene down pat. I stumbled when it got to the part where I had to beg Mark’s character for extra credit.
Jase set the script aside and shook his head. “No. You need to be impassioned. Your scholarship at the elite private school depends on you passing this class. Your parents’ approval, the friendships you’ve made, everything is on the line. You can’t leave out the emotion in this scene.”
“O..kay,” I mumbled. I wasn’t used to Jase being so picky, but it was his company’s reputation at risk.
I stumbled through the lines again and earned a groan from him in response.
<
br /> “Cara, you’ve got to try. This scene is pivotal. It sets the ante on how far you’d go to protect your spot, how dedicated you are to passing. Viewers need to believe you’re serious and they’ll react better. Allow them into your head.” He tapped my temple. “You’re an actress now. Share everything with your audience. No hiding. Understand?”
I didn’t. It was porn, for heaven’s sakes. An Oscar winning performance seemed out of place. The little I’d heard of porn included bad lighting, horrible acting, and ridiculous sex acts.
“I have a confession to make. I’ve never really watched a porno.”
Jase lifted an eyebrow. “I’d been surprised if you had. You don’t strike me as the type.”
I didn’t know whether to be insulted or pleased by his comment. “Show me one, the film nominated for the SKIN award.”
Jase didn’t bat an eyelash. “You really want to see it?”
I nodded. “I need inspiration.”
“Hold on.” Jase left the room and returned with a DVD package. He popped the disk into the player and returned to my bed with the remote.
I suffered a minor heart attack when he pressed play. “You’re going to watch it with me?”
He grabbed the extra pillow and made himself comfortable near my feet. “Why not?”
Why not? I drew in a deep breath and coached myself. Be sensible. He’s the movie producer. He’s seen it probably a hundred times. It shouldn’t even faze him now.
Fuck it. If I was serious about being in porn, morality and shyness shouldn’t hold me back.
“Fine.” I settled against the headboard, scrunching my feet beneath me to give Jase more room. I moved my gaze to the television and watched the opening credits. Mark was one of the stars of the film. Although I wasn’t interested in him in that way, I needed to see what was expected of me.
Curious about his size and moves, I leaned forward and cupped my chin in one hand.
The entire time, I was conscious of Jase at my feet. He’d draped his legs over mine, tenting them so they didn’t press into me. His back was against the side wall, his hands linked behind his head. The nonchalant pose reminded me of our childhood when we’d stayed up late watching horror movies with Jackie. Now it was just the two of us, and we were about to watch two people fuck on screen.
Coming Soon Page 7
