I took a deep breath and resigned myself to whatever was about to occur. “Yes, I am…”
He hesitated. “Well, this is probably going to sound crazy, and I apologize in advance if it does, but I saw a picture of you on a news website a few hours ago, and you were with your daughter in a playground.”
My stomach tightened into knots. “Really? I’ve been trying to keep a low profile, especially where Louise is concerned. There were a lot of paparazzi around after the accident, but I didn’t want all that publicity.”
He was quiet. “Bev, I don’t know how to ask this, so I’m just going to come right out and say it. Your daughter… When we were together…” He cleared his throat. “Is she mine?”
I squeezed my eyes shut and lay back on the bed. Swallowing heavily, I tried to come up with a straightforward response, but none of this was straightforward. It was complicated and agonizing. “Luke…” I whispered. “Yes. I’m sorry. I should have told you. I wanted to, many times, but I didn’t know how to. I was scared.”
He said nothing and my heart pummeled my ribcage. The room was practically spinning.
“Are you still there?” I asked, sitting up again.
“Yes, I’m here. I’m just in shock.” There was another long pause. “What were you scared of?”
I ran my fingers through my hair, pushing it straight back off my face. “I don’t know. Everything, I guess. I didn’t know you very well.”
This was excruciating. I was still terrified about what could come of this.
“I wish you had told me,” he said. “I really can’t believe it.”
Rising to my feet, I paced around the room. “I know…it must be a shock to you. I’m sorry.”
Heaven help me—I couldn’t stop apologizing.
“Does she know about me?” he asked.
“Sort of. She knows she has a father, but I told her that you live very far away and that we don’t really know each other very well.”
“That’s kind of a weird explanation,” he replied. “We spent the night together, Bev. But you don’t think you know me?”
My stomach muscles clenched tight. “She’s only five. I can’t explain those kinds of adult things to her now.”
He was quiet for a few seconds. “I suppose not.”
I paced around the room, and when he didn’t completely freak out at me, I began to wonder what I’d been afraid of all these years. Maybe everything was going to be all right after all.
“Are you still there?” I asked again, because he hadn’t spoken in the past fifteen seconds.
“Yes. I’m here.”
“I’m a bit surprised,” I said, feeling my heartbeat begin to slow to a more normal rate. “I’ve been dreading this conversation since I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t know what to expect. I thought you’d be more angry than this. Or upset.”
He scoffed bitterly. “You can’t see me right now, Bev. Believe me, I’m upset.”
Oh God.
“It’s been quite a week,” he continued. “And this conversation is the icing on top of a really bad cake.”
My insides began to burn. “I see.” I wasn’t sure if I was incensed or relieved. It was a bizarre combination of both, I suppose. “Listen…you don’t have to worry about a thing. I don’t expect anything from you, and this doesn’t have to affect you at all. I won’t even tell Louise who you are if you don’t want me to. I can’t guarantee she won’t want to track you down later in life, but for now, I’m happy to keep things just as they are. I’m okay raising her on my own. In fact, I prefer it that way. So, we can just hang up the phone right now and pretend this never happened.”
He was silent. When he finally spoke, his voice was raspy and brimming with bitterness. “God, you really don’t know me.”
“What? I’m sorry, I—”
“I think we should end this conversation now, Bev. But this isn’t over. I promise you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”
The line went dead. “Wait! No!”
I tried to press the call button to get him back, but he was gone. My entire body erupted in a firestorm of dread and fear. I ran out of the room.
I found Claire sitting on my sofa in the living room, watching the news. “He was mad,” I told her. “He said I was going to hear from his lawyer.”
Her eyebrows pulled together in a frown and she sat forward. “Oh no. We need to call Scott right away. He’ll be able to find you a lawyer too. We need to get you the very best in the city.”
I held up my hands. “Wait, wait. I don’t want it to come to that. Luke had every right to be angry. I’m the one who screwed up. I shouldn’t have kept this secret from him. I need to call him back.”
“No! Don’t do that!” Claire leaped off the sofa and snatched the phone from my hands. “You need to call a lawyer, first thing in the morning. Let them handle this.”
I stared at her with wide eyes while my blood coursed hotly through my veins. “This is exactly what I was afraid of. It’s why I didn’t tell him in the first place. I never wanted to get into a custody battle. I’m sure I just need to talk to him, work this out.” I grabbed the phone from my sister and headed for my bedroom.
“But that’s what lawyers are for!” She followed me down the hall, which was still papered with Louise’s crayon drawings of heaven.
I hurried into my room. “I need to call him back. I have to try.”
She shook her head at me, but I shut the door in her face and locked it.
“Please, Bev!” She knocked hard. “Just calm down and take a breath. Think this through.”
With trembling fingers, I found Luke’s number and pressed the call button. It rang once, twice, three times…
“Please answer.” I paced anxiously around my room.
At last, a click sounded in my ear. “Hello.” His voice was stern and unfriendly.
“Hi, Luke, it’s Bev again. Please don’t hang up. Let’s just talk for a second.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Yes, it is. Please. I’m so sorry. Before…when you said this was the icing on top of a bad cake, I thought you meant you were annoyed by this and you didn’t want the responsibility or something. But if I misunderstood and that’s not the case, let’s talk about it, because I don’t want this to get ugly, and I’m sure you don’t either. We don’t need to be enemies.”
He didn’t say a word. Not a single word. With every passing second, my heart beat faster and I grew more desperate.
“I admit…this is my fault. I’m the one who messed up. I should have told you a long time ago.”
I was rambling now and breathing heavily. If I had a lawyer present, he’d probably slap his hand over my mouth to shut me up.
“I don’t even know what you want,” I continued, “but let’s try to figure this out. We can figure it out together.”
There was nothing but silence on the other end. I was in such a state of panic, I feared I might vomit.
“I don’t know,” he finally said. “My gut’s telling me to call a lawyer. And I’m going to want a paternity test.”
I sat down on the edge of the bed and tried to speak in a calm voice. “I don’t blame you. You have every right to be angry and I get that, but believe me, she’s yours. I was wrong not to tell you, and I’ve been struggling with that decision since Louise was born, but like I said, I was afraid. I didn’t know what you’d do if I told you.”
“What did you think I’d do?”
“I don’t know. Call a lawyer? Demand custody?”
“Would that have been so wrong?” he asked.
I exhaled heavily. “No, of course not. It’s your right, legally. But I was selfish and I wanted to avoid conflict, and I wanted her all to myself. I didn’t want to have to answer to anyone when it came to raising her—especially a man I barely knew. Mostly, I just wanted Louise to be happy and safe.”
“Is she?” he asked. “Happy?”
I tried to slow my breathing. “Yes
, very. We have a good life. She’s an amazing little girl.”
I sat on the bed, tapping my foot on the floor.
“You could have asked for child support, you know,” he said. “I would have paid it.”
I flopped onto my back and covered my eyes with my hand. “I’m sure you would have, but I was okay financially. I have a good job and a good support system.”
“What kind of support system?”
I felt like I was on trial. I needed to plead my case, convince him not to go to war with us. “My sister and her husband live across the street and they have a daughter, too. The girls are about the same age, so they’re very close. My sister helps me out a lot with child care. So does my mom.”
“What about…?” He paused. “Is there someone who fills the father shoes for Louise?”
The question caught me off guard. “What do you mean? Am I seeing someone? No. There’s no one. It’s just me. There’s never been anyone. But my brother-in-law is a father figure, I suppose. Her Uncle Scott. Across the street.”
Luke said nothing.
Sitting up, I spoke in a softer, warmer voice. “Luke. If you want to come out here and meet her, why don’t you fly in for a visit. You could book a room at a hotel and stay for a few days or a week, or as long as you want. It’s up to you. I’d explain the situation to her—that you’re her father—and we could spend some time together. We could keep it casual and fun, because I’ll be honest—the last thing I want is for the family courts to force Louise to get on a plane and fly across the country to meet a total stranger. Let’s do this right. I don’t want her to think of you as the enemy, and I promise you—that’s what you’ll be to her if you take me to court and we get into a battle over this.”
“That sounds like a threat.”
“Not at all. It’s just a fact. And it would break my heart to put her through that. I’m sure that’s not what you want. It’s not what I want either.”
I sat up and saw the shadow of Claire’s feet under the door and realized she’d been listening to my conversation this entire time.
“We’d still need to bring lawyers into this,” Luke said. “Because I have rights.”
“I know you do,” I replied. “And I won’t fight you on that—not if we can work this out in a way we’re all comfortable with. I’m willing to be reasonable if you are.”
“I’m always reasonable,” he replied.
I let out a breath of relief. “That’s good to hear.”
“But don’t get too comfortable. That doesn’t mean I trust you. You kept my daughter from me for five years. I’m pissed off and I’m still getting a lawyer.”
I felt my shoulders slump. “Fine. If that’s what you want to do. But if you want to be a part of Louise’s life, she’s going to need to trust you, and take my word for it, you’re going to need my help with that. So…just work with me, okay? Her happiness and wellbeing is my top priority, and I hope it will be yours too. That’s why I want you to meet her in a casual situation—because if this turns into a power struggle between you and me, she’ll sense it and she’ll take my side. And that’s not a threat. It’s just the way it will be. But like I said, I’m reasonable, Luke, but we both need to be if this is going to work.”
He paused. “Okay. That sounds fair. I’ll go online tonight and check on some flights. I’d like to come right away. Tomorrow, if possible.”
Tomorrow? My stomach turned over with apprehension because I was still terrified that in the end, this man would try to take Louise away from me. At the very least, even if things went well, he would encroach upon our relationship and I would have to share her with him. Nothing would ever be the same.
But I had no choice. Luke was Louise’s father and he had rights. And unless he turned out to be a psycho maniac, it would be a losing battle to try and fight him. Besides, it was only a matter of time before Louise would want to know him, so I wanted to lay the groundwork to make sure it would be a pleasant experience for her. More than anything, I wanted it to be a positive thing. Lawyers and courtrooms would get in the way of that.
“Let me know what time you’ll be arriving,” I said to Luke, “and where you’ll be staying. We’ll figure out the next step from there.”
We hung up, and I opened my bedroom door to find Claire staring at me.
“You heard that?”
She nodded.
“He’s coming tomorrow,” I said, “and I’m scared out of my wits.”
She pulled me into her arms for a hug.
* * *
I decided to bring Louise home for breakfast before school, rather than let Claire drive her, because I needed time to explain what was about to occur—that her father would arrive on an airplane that afternoon, and she would meet him for the first time. Recalling our previous conversation about Luke—when she’d informed me that she didn’t want to meet him at all—I was uneasy about delivering the news.
“How are your pancakes?” I asked, sitting across from her at the kitchen table.
“Yummy. I like the chocolate chips. We don’t usually have chocolate for breakfast.”
I smiled at her. “Well. Today’s a special day.”
She reached for the maple syrup and tipped the bottle over her plate. I sat back with my coffee and let her pour as much as she wanted. “Do you want to know why it’s a special day?”
She swirled her pancake through the syrup and nodded.
“Because we’re going to have a visitor. It’s someone who really wants to meet you. He’s flying here on an airplane, from very far away.”
She didn’t look up. She was too focused on her sopping pancakes. “Who is it?”
While I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and give her reason to feel anxious at school, I didn’t want to make light of it either. That would be a pretense. It was a difficult balancing act.
“It’s your father,” I explained in a calm, matter-of-fact voice. “He’ll be arriving this afternoon, and I’ll go and meet him. Uncle Scott will pick you up after school. Then I’ll bring your daddy here and we’ll have supper together.”
“All of us?” she asked. “Auntie Claire and Uncle Scott, too?”
I cleared my throat. “No, just the three of us. You, me, and Luke. That’s your daddy’s name.”
“Okay,” she replied, calmly, as if I’d just told her it was time to go and brush her teeth.
She picked up her knife and cut her pancake while I sat there trying to comprehend what she might be thinking. Could it really be this easy? Was she truly okay with this? Or was she nervous and trying to hide her ambivalence from me?
You’re over-analyzing it, Bev. Just let her be and try to relax. Don’t make too much of it.
“Do you have any questions you’d like to ask me? About meeting your dad?”
Louise inclined her head as she mulled it over. “What does he look like?”
I set my coffee cup down. “That’s a good question. I’ll do my best to answer it, but it’s been a long time since I’ve seen him, so he might have changed. But the last time I saw him, he had dark hair and friendly brown eyes. His eyes sparkled when he smiled, and that’s something I liked about him. He made me laugh.”
“Did he tell jokes?”
“Sort of,” I replied. “He said some funny things. He was a nice person and a lot of fun.”
“How come you didn’t marry him?” she asked. “Aren’t most mommies and daddies married?”
“Yes,” I carefully replied. “That’s usually the way it happens. But not all families are the same. We’re different because your daddy lives very far away.”
It was a simplistic explanation, but it would have to do for now.
Louise said OK again and finished her breakfast with no further questions.
“If you’re done,” I said, “why don’t you go brush your teeth and put on your shoes. We don’t want to be late for school.”
She slid off her chair and ran to the bathroom, while I sat for a moment, f
inishing my coffee and wondering how this day would play out.
Chapter Sixteen
Luke
It was disorienting, getting on a plane at midnight and flying across the country to meet a daughter I hadn’t known I had. Shortly after takeoff, when we were above the clouds and surrounded by darkness, I started to wonder if there had been some mistake and it wasn’t true—that I wasn’t a father and I’d jumped the gun when I booked this flight. Maybe I should have taken steps to verify the facts first.
Then I thought about it not being true. Heaven help me, if it wasn’t, I’d be devastated. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend how let down I would be, which surprised me, because I knew almost nothing about this little girl, and I’d only seen one picture of her, which I’d found on the Internet.
On the flipside, I was furious with her mother and not the least bit enthusiastic about seeing her again. Not after the secret she’d kept from me. I would have preferred to deal with her through lawyers, but I couldn’t argue with her rationale on the phone—that I needed her on my side in order to earn Louise’s trust and affection.
The more I thought about that, the more infuriated I became. First off, I couldn’t accept the fact that a woman I’d slept with—a woman I’d genuinely cared for, despite the brevity of our relationship—had willfully shut me out of her life and prevented me from knowing my own daughter. As a result, I’d missed the first five years of Louise’s life. I would never get those years back.
How do you recover from something like that? How do you walk into your daughter’s life for the first time and make her love you? Was that even possible?
* * *
I woke to a blinding orange sunrise in the window of the aircraft. I squinted and lowered the blind, then glanced up groggily at the flight attendant, who offered me a breakfast tray.
An hour later, we touched down in Toronto for a sixty-minute layover. Then I boarded another plane for the second leg of my journey—a two-hour flight to Halifax. It was 12:30 p.m. local time when I finally arrived.
As soon we landed, I powered up my phone and sent a text to Bev to let her know I’d made it and that I’d take a cab to my hotel. We arranged to meet in the lobby at 3:00 p.m., which would give me time to drive there, check in, grab a quick shower, and prepare myself to play nice.
The Color of a Silver Lining Page 14
