Chapter Seventeen
Bev
Nervous butterflies fluttered in my belly as I made my way up the stairs at the main entrance to the Lord Nelson Hotel. I had no idea what to expect when I saw Luke. When we spoke on the phone, he’d made it clear that he was angry, so I worried that this could escalate into a heated argument. I hoped that wouldn’t be the case, but I was prepared for anything.
A doorman in uniform greeted me at the entrance. I smiled in return and walked into the historic lobby, where I paused on the marble floor and glanced around at some guests who were gathered at the registration desk. It had been five years since I’d seen Luke. I hoped I would recognize him.
When I didn’t spot him right away, I turned to my left and crossed toward The Arms Restaurant—an upscale English-style pub—climbed the steps and peered inside. There were only a few patrons at tables, so I turned around and wandered across the lobby to the other side. Peering into the elegant Georgian Lounge, I found it empty, so I turned around again.
Then I saw him, emerging from the elevators. He stopped in his tracks when our eyes met.
He hadn’t changed a bit. He was still as handsome as I remembered, and my whole body began to hum. There was just something about this man that knocked me off my feet. That’s why I’d behaved so recklessly five years ago—spending the night with someone I’d only just met. It wasn’t something I ever thought I would do. I’d always been very straight-laced, except for that one night.
I reminded myself that I was no longer the woman I had been back then. I was a mother now—the farthest thing from reckless—and I had to handle this situation with tremendous care.
Slowly, I walked toward him. We met in the center of the lobby, under an enormous crystal chandelier.
“Hi,” Luke said, his gaze roaming over me from head to foot. “You look the same.”
“So do you,” I replied.
We stared at each other for a few seconds and it was painfully awkward.
“So,” he said, “we have a lot to talk about. Where do you want to do this?” He glanced around the lobby and gestured toward the restaurant. “Do you want to get a drink or—?”
“No. Why don’t we go across the street to the Public Gardens? It’s a beautiful day.” Not only that, but I needed to stay on my toes. A drink would not help.
I led the way and he followed me out the main doors.
We descended the steps, walked toward the busy intersection and made small talk along the way.
“How was your flight?” I asked.
“Long. I’m going to be jet-lagged.”
“And it’s a four-hour time difference. That makes it rough.”
There was a lot of traffic and pedestrians gathered on the corner as we waited in silence for the light to change. When we finally crossed the street and arrived at the giant wrought-iron Victorian gates, Luke looked up and said, “This is incredible. You’d think Saint Peter would be here to usher us through.”
I laughed. “You’re right. This is a little slice of heaven. It’s my favorite place in the city. I bring Louise here all the time to see the ducks.”
As soon as the words crossed my lips, I worried that I should be more guarded about what I shared and how I shared it, because maybe the mere mention of Louise’s name might remind Luke of what he had missed—because of the choices I had made.
We strolled along the gravel path and stepped onto the upper bridge with elaborate balusters and concrete urns full of pink flowers on the four corner pedestals. Without saying a word, we stopped on the arched deck to look over the rail, into the fish pond below. Everything was lush and green. The vibrant-colored rhododendrons were awesome and striking. The whole world seemed vivid all around us.
“So, where do we start?” Luke asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied. “What would you like to know? Ask me anything and I’ll tell you.”
He faced me and inhaled deeply. “All right then. What’s she like?”
I gazed into his pained eyes and felt a fresh wave of guilt. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like to be in his shoes, knowing nothing about his own daughter. He must hate me.
“Well…” I said, “you’ve seen that picture of her online, but I can show you some more if you like. I have my phone in my purse.”
I made a move to reach for it, but he put his hand on my arm and stopped me. “First, tell me in words. What’s her personality like? What should I expect when I meet her? How should I act with her?”
The question was like a knife in my chest because he seemed genuinely nervous about meeting Louise for the first time and making a good first impression. I wanted more than anything to help him, to try to make amends.
“Well. She’s very mature for her age,” I told him. “You’ll be surprised. She was never the type to throw temper tantrums during the so-called terrible twos. She’s thoughtful. Calm. Artistic. She loves to draw pictures and she can read well beyond her grade level. I mean…she’s not into Dostoyevsky yet, but we’ve been reading picture books every night since she was a baby, so she gets it.”
Luke was listening intently with a slight frown.
“She likes to watch movies,” I continued.
“What’s her favorite?” he asked.
I had to think about that for a moment. “That’s a tough question. I’d say the top five are Frozen, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, and get this…she loves the original Oliver Twist from the 1960’s. And, of course, The Sound of Music, although the Nazi stuff is over her head.”
“She likes musicals,” Luke said.
I turned to him. “Yes, that’s right. Those are all musicals. I never thought of it that way.”
We started walking again and strolled toward the Victorian bandstand in the center of the Gardens.
“I’d like to bring her a present,” Luke said. “I didn’t want to get her anything at the airport because I didn’t know what she might like, and it’s all touristy stuff anyway. Is there anywhere around here I could find something?”
“Absolutely. We can walk down Spring Garden Road and there are all sorts of shops, and a great children’s bookstore. I can help you with that.”
“Thanks. I honestly have no idea what a five-year-old girl would be into these days.”
So far, this was going far better than I’d expected. Luke wasn’t combative, nor was he reminding me of the fact that he’d wanted to take me to court the night before. I prayed it would continue this way—that he wouldn’t suddenly turn into a monster who wanted to screw me over.
We continued walking along the grand path toward Griffin’s Pond.
“Is that the Titanic?” Luke asked, stopping short.
I chuckled. “Yes, it’s a model. The actual Titanic sank off the coast of Newfoundland so there are a lot of artifacts in the city. There’s a graveyard where some passengers are buried. And the Maritime Museum of the Atlantic has a display on the waterfront if you’re interested. That’s something we could do with Louise. Or wait, maybe not after what we just went through. I’ll think of something else for us to do together.”
“That would be great,” he replied. “Whatever you think she’d enjoy. I just want this to be…” He looked up at the sky, but didn’t finish.
“What?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Easy. I don’t want her to be afraid of me.”
“She won’t be. And I don’t want that either.”
We continued along the tree-lined path, past weeping willows, slowly making our way toward the Boer War Memorial Fountain.
“Since we’re talking about feeling comfortable,” I cautiously mentioned, “there’s something I should probably prepare you for, because it might come up when you meet her. It’s kind of…way out there. I don’t want it to catch you off guard.”
Hands in pockets, he slid me a glance. “Should I be nervous?”
I let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t know. I’m nervous about everything right now, Luke. This is all…”
I shook my head. “There’s so much to say and I don’t know where to begin. I feel like you must hate me.”
“No.” He spoke matter-of-factly, which didn’t make me feel any less uncomfortable.
“Then you’re a better man than I would be in your position,” I replied. “If you really want to know, I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out what to say to you today, and how to say it. So, I’m just going to spit it out. I know there’s no possible way for me to make up for what I did, but I want you to know that—”
He shook his head, cutting me off. “Please, Bev. You don’t have to say anything. There’s nothing to say, really. We can’t change it.”
“But that sounds so hopeless,” I replied.
He shrugged a shoulder.
I stopped on the path. “I hope that in time that you might be able to forgive me.”
He gazed off in the other direction, toward the iron fence along the perimeter of the park. “I don’t know. We’ll see. Let’s just get through this day.”
A lump formed in my throat—not because he wasn’t willing to forgive me yet, but because he seemed almost broken. Was this all my doing? Had I robbed him of his belief in people? If so, how would I ever fix that?
We reached the fountain and found a bench to sit on.
“Is that what you wanted to tell me?” Luke asked. “You said you wanted to prepare me for something—something that might catch me off guard.”
I shook my head as if to clear it. “I’m sorry, I got sidetracked. But this is important, and I’m not sure how to tell you, or how to ask…”
I dug deep for the courage to explain. “Obviously, you must have read about what happened to Louise when the Dalila went down. If you saw the news and that picture of us, you must know what all the hoopla was about.”
“I think so. Everyone was saying that Louise went to heaven while you were performing CPR on her. Is that true?”
I looked down at my feet. “It’s hard to answer that question definitively, because I still don’t know. You’d think I would because I’m her mom, but it’s just so hard to believe. But what I’m about to tell you—and ask you—might help shed some light and answer that question, once and for all.”
He turned toward me and rested an arm along the back of the bench. “I’m listening.”
“Okay. After Louise told me about what happened to her, I encouraged her to draw pictures to help me see what it was like up there—in heaven—and to help her remember, because she was afraid she might forget as time went by.” I looked down at my hands in my lap. “She drew dozens of pictures of rainbows and trees. Blue skies, blue water, clouds with silver linings, but she also drew pictures of people she says she met up there. One was my father, who died when I was a child.”
Luke listened raptly. “I remember you mentioned that.”
“Yes. She never met my dad in real life, of course, but after she woke up in the rescue helicopter, she told me what he was like and it was very accurate, but still… She’d seen pictures of him and she knew about him, so I can’t be certain that she wasn’t describing what she’d heard from stories we might have told her.”
Luke studied me with a slight frown, waiting for me to continue.
“After that, she drew another picture of her other grandparents.” I turned to look at Luke. “Maybe you know where I’m going with this, but I had no idea if she was drawing your parents or just a fantasy of two extra grandparents, like other kids have. She said she saw them in heaven and that they were her father’s parents, which was odd because I rarely ever spoke of you. She called them Papa and Nanny. She said her ‘Papa’ was tall with white hair and glasses, no mustache, and that her ‘Nanny’ was a small woman.” I studied Luke’s expression. “So, I guess the question is—are your parents still alive? And if so, is that what they look like?”
His mouth fell open and his face paled. “My parents are dead. They died in a car accident when I was nineteen.”
My heart began to pound. “I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me that when we were together? I thought we shared everything that night.”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. You told me about losing your father. I didn’t want to bring it up. I don’t talk about it much.”
I stared down at my lap and labored to process this. “It’s awful that you lost them. Both of them at the same time. I’m so sorry.”
“It was a long time ago, but thank you.”
The lump returned to my throat and I took a moment to gather my composure and remember what started this discussion.
“What did they look like?” I asked. “Was your father tall?”
Luke nodded. “Yes. And my mom was extremely petite. The top of her head barely reached his elbow.”
I couldn’t even blink. My heart was racing like a runaway train. This felt like proof of the heaven Louise had described, but still, I couldn’t fully believe it.
Why not?
I covered my eyes with my hand. “I don’t know what to say right now. I’m a bit flabbergasted.”
“Me, too.”
We sat in silence, staring at our feet. A flock of pigeons came by, pecking at the ground around us.
“So…you never told Louise anything about my parents?” Luke asked.
“How could I? I didn’t know a thing. I never mentioned them at all. That’s why I was so shocked when she drew that picture.”
“Can I see it?” he asked.
“Of course. I have all her pictures tacked to the wall outside her bedroom. It’s quite something to look at them all at once—it’s an incredible body of work for a five-year-old. They’re very beautiful. So colorful.”
A crowd of teenagers walked by, laughing about something.
“This is a lot to take in,” Luke said, after they passed. “What a week it’s been.”
I thought back to our conversation the night before, when I’d made a few erroneous assumptions about how he felt.
“You mentioned that on the phone—that this was the icing on a bad cake. Is there something else that happened to you Luke? On top of this?”
He gazed off in the other direction again, and I was forced to look at the back of his head.
“Yes,” he answered curtly. “But it’s not something I want to talk about.” His tone was firm.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”
“Don’t worry about it.” He stood up and checked his watch. “I don’t know what time the shops close around here. Maybe we should get going.”
I stood up as well. “Sure. Why don’t we go to the bookstore first? We can find something for Louise there. Then, if you’re ready, we’ll take my car and go pick her up at my sister’s.”
I watched him start off ahead of me and realized he was not the same man I’d met five years ago. That man had been charming, flirtatious, good-humored and open. We’d spent the entire night laughing. That’s what I remembered most about him—his smiling eyes.
The Luke before me now seemed to live inside a dark thundercloud. Obviously, he was angry with me for what I’d done, and he was tired from his flight. And he was definitely shaken by what I’d told him about the picture Louise had drawn.
But I was curious about what, exactly, he didn’t want to discuss just now.
He stopped on the path and turned. “Are you coming?”
“Yes.” I hurried to catch up.
* * *
It was almost five when we pulled into my driveway. “This is it,” I said to Luke as I shut off the engine. “This is where we live.”
Gift bag in hand, he stepped out of my car and gazed up at the front of the house. “It’s nice.”
“We like it. It has a wonderful fenced-in backyard with big trees. I’ll show you that later—and the picture of course—but let’s get Louise first. Are you ready?”
He nodded and we started off across the street. We climbed Claire’s steps and rang the doorbell.
It was Scott who answered. “Hey Bev, come on in. You
must be Luke.”
While they shook hands, I tried to play it cool. “This is my brother-in-law, Scott.”
“Nice to meet you,” Luke said, glancing past him at the vaulted white ceiling and the massive stone fireplace in the living room. “This is a great spot you have here.”
“Thanks. It’s a quiet street. Great for the girls.”
Just then, Claire emerged from the basement. “You’re here at last. The girls are just finishing a movie. You must be Luke.” She strode forward to shake his hand. “I’m Claire, Bev’s sister. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Likewise,” Luke replied.
Claire glanced down at the gift bag.
“That’s for Louise,” I explained. “We just went to Woozles.”
“Oh, you picked a great store,” Claire said to Luke. “We go there all the time on Saturday afternoons.” She paused. “Would you like to come in for a bit?”
She gestured to invite us into the kitchen, but I shook my head at her. “Um… Actually, we should probably get going. I have supper in the slow cooker and poor Leo hasn’t been out since noon.”
Luke turned to me. “Is Leo your dog?”
“Yes. I didn’t mention that, did I? I hope you’re not allergic or anything.”
“No, I love dogs. I have two of my own.”
“Really? What kind?” I asked.
“One’s a black lab and the other’s a curious mix—maybe part German Shepherd, part Lab? We’re not sure. They were rescue dogs.”
“Ah. That’s nice.”
The conversation stopped dead and I felt suddenly self-conscious because Scott and Claire were standing there, watching us. I turned to my sister who seemed to read my feelings.
“Why don’t I bring Louise over to your place in about ten minutes?” Claire suggested. “As soon as the movie’s over. That way you can let Leo outside and get settled.”
“That’s a great idea,” I replied, gratefully.
This whole situation was more than a little awkward and I wished I’d planned it better. At least Claire had the sense not to bring Louise upstairs right away. It might have been even more awkward for father and daughter to meet for the first time in my sister’s entry hall.
The Color of a Silver Lining Page 15
