The Color of a Silver Lining

by Julianne MacLean

  We thanked Claire and Scott, and walked out. A moment later, Luke and I stood on my front step while I rifled through my purse for my keys.

  “I’d like to see the picture Louise drew when we get inside,” Luke said.

  “Yes, I’ll show it to you right away.”

  When I finally opened the door, Leo was in his usual spot on the welcome mat, eager to greet us.

  “Hey there.” I dropped to one knee and scratched behind his ears.

  Leo sniffed Luke excitedly, and Luke got down on a knee as well.

  “He likes you,” I said.

  “I like him, too. Hey there, big guy. Aren’t you gorgeous.”

  Leo rolled over onto his back and Luke laughed softly and rubbed his belly. I realized it was the first time I’d heard Luke laugh since we’d greeted each other in the hotel lobby over an hour ago.

  I rose to my feet. “He needs to go out. Don’t worry about your shoes. Leave them on. We’ll take him out the back door. Then I’ll show you the picture.”

  Luke followed me through the front hall to the kitchen, where he set the gift bag on the table. “It smells good in here.”

  “Barbequed chicken thighs—slow cooker style. I don’t know what I’d do without my slow cooker.”

  We walked out the back door to the deck. Leo ran down the steps and charged around the yard in circles.

  “Look how excited he is,” I said with a smile, moving to the deck rail. “He loves company.”

  Luke joined me and took in the play structure and sandbox in the far corner of the yard, and the wooden bench and birdbath in the opposite corner. The marigolds and hydrangeas were still in bloom along the fence, and the leaves on the ancient oak trees whispered in the breeze overhead.

  “You were right,” Luke said. “This is a great yard. It’s very private.”

  “We love it.”

  “How long have you lived here?” he asked.

  “Since I found out I was pregnant with Louise. It’s a long story, but Claire was separating from her first husband at the time, so she was alone and needed moral support, and I was pregnant and needed my big sister. Then she married Scott across the street and moved in with him, so she rented this place to me for a while until I offered to buy it. She gave me a good price. I owe her, big time.”

  “It’s nice that you have each other.”

  While Leo performed his business in the bushes, I turned to Luke. “You don’t have any brothers or sisters, do you? I seem to recall you telling me that you were an only child.”

  “I am.”

  “It must have been difficult after you lost your parents. Did you have any other family?”

  “I had some uncles and aunts,” he explained, “but I was nineteen so I was ready to be on my own anyway. I didn’t need a guardian. I was in college. It was my friends who became my family.”

  “Where are they now?” I asked. “Do you still keep in touch?”

  “Yes. I have one good high school friend in Victoria, and the others are all in Toronto. That’s where I went to university.”

  Leo finished and came bounding up the deck stairs. “Good boy,” I said, patting him on the head. Then I turned to Luke. “Let’s go see the picture.”

  We walked inside to the hall outside Louise’s bedroom, which was papered from floor-to-ceiling with depictions of heaven—as seen through Louise’s eyes. I switched on the hall light and Luke stood there, astonished.

  He inhaled deeply and whistled. “This is unreal.”

  “It is, isn’t it? Every day, when she produced more and more of them, my mind was blown. They’re all so vivid and gorgeous. Of course, I’m her mother, so I’m biased, but I really think there’s something special here. I don’t even know the right words to describe them.”

  He moved along the wall, taking his time, studying each one. Then he turned to me. “Do you think this is what it’s really like?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. Is heaven even real to begin with? Or is this something from her imagination?”

  “Either way, she’s a gifted artist.”

  He gazed over all the pictures and I knew exactly what he was searching for. “Which one is it?”

  “This one.” I turned to the opposite wall, reached up, pulled the tack out, and handed the page to him.

  He stared at it for a moment. Then he shook his head with disbelief.

  “This looks exactly like them.” He pointed. “That’s my mom’s curly brown hair. She was short and tiny and my father was tall and lanky. They were quite a pair. He wore glasses, just like these. He was a college professor. He taught chemistry. My mom was a mom. She stopped working when I was born. She had the most beautiful eyes.”

  I stood in silence, watching him and wishing I knew the right thing to say, but this was an experience unlike any other.

  After a moment, Luke tacked the picture back on the wall. “What else did she say about them? Besides what they looked like?”

  I spoke in a steady, lower-pitched voice. “Louise said they told her that they loved her, but that she needed to come back to this world because they wanted her to meet her father. She said that’s why she was sent back here.”

  He bowed his head and closed his eyes for a moment. “This is insane. I’m having a hard time believing it.”

  “Me, too.”

  Luke’s shoulders rose and fell as he inhaled. Then he lifted his head and his eyes blazed at me. “Bev. Would you have ever told me about Louise if I hadn’t seen the picture online and called and asked you, point blank, if she was my daughter?”

  My lips fell open and I felt a thickness in my throat. I pressed my hands against my cheeks. “Yes. I would have, eventually. I’ve felt guilty about it for a long time now, more and more with each passing day, especially since Louise drew that picture. I’ve been struggling with how to handle it, but I’ve been caught up just trying to protect her from all the publicity. It was so much all at once. I had to tread lightly. Slowly.”

  He frowned. “So, you would have told me, eventually? When? When she was in high school? Or when she was old enough to seek me out on her own? When I’d missed out on her whole life?”

  My knees went weak and I began to tremble. “I don’t know. I’m sorry. I’d already dug such a deep hole for myself. I didn’t know how to get out of it.”

  “How to get out of it? You just pick up the damn phone and call me. Or you send a text. I can’t believe I was the one who had to call you. What if I’d never seen that picture?”

  We heard the front door open.

  “Hello!”

  It was Claire. I recognized the sound of Louise dropping her backpack on the floor and kicking off her shoes.

  The gravity of this moment was considerable. I didn’t want Louise to sense the tension, and I couldn’t imagine what Luke must be feeling outside of his anger toward me.

  “She’s expecting to meet you,” I whispered to him. “She’s been excited all day. Please, let’s put this aside for now.”

  I gestured for him to follow me to the entrance hall, where I greeted Louise. “Hey cutie! How was your day?”

  “Great!” she replied. “We just watched Frozen.”

  “Again?” I folded my arms and gave her a playful look. “Aren’t you getting tired of that movie by now?”

  “No!” She giggled, then peered past me toward Luke, who stood in the archway, leaning a shoulder against the jamb, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He pulled one hand out and waved at her with a friendly, eager smile. Despite our argument just now, my heart melted.

  “Louise, this is Luke,” I said. “Why don’t you go and say hello.”

  With a confidence beyond her years, Louise strode forward.

  Luke bent at the waist and held out his hand. “Hi Louise. It’s very nice to meet you.”

  They shook, then she returned to me and wrapped her arms around my waist.

  “Are you hungry for barbequed chicken?” I asked while I rubbed her back.

 
; “Yes.”

  “It’s her favorite,” I said to Luke. “That and French fries, right?”

  “I love french fries,” she announced. “With lots of ketchup.”

  “I love French fries, too,” he told her. “Do you like them when they’re crinkly cut? Or straight cut?”

  “I like them crinkly,” she replied, seeming amused by the question.

  “Cool. I like ’em that way, too.”

  Louise giggled and hid her face in my belly. I turned to Claire. “Thank you for bringing her over.”

  “No problem. Have a nice supper. Call me later. I’ll come over if you need me.” She turned to leave. “Bye, Luke. It was nice to meet you.”

  “You, too,” he replied with a nod.

  As soon as she was out the door, he gave me a look. “What did she mean—she’ll come over if you need her?”

  I fumbled to explain in front of Louise. “Oh. She knows I have to drive you back to the hotel. She said she’d come over and babysit if Louise is asleep by then. Which you will be, right?” I said to her. “If it’s past your bedtime? You’ll be off to dreamland?”

  She grinned up at me. “Maybe.”

  I wiggled her nose. “Why don’t you go wash your hands? Then you can help me set the table.”

  “Okay.”

  While she ran to the bathroom, I moved toward Luke and slid by him in the narrow archway. “You can help, too, if you like.”

  “Sure.” He followed me into the kitchen.

  I quickly busied myself. “When Louise comes back, maybe you could set the table together.” Feeling anxious and uncomfortable, I laid my hand over the cupboard doors next to the fridge. “Plates and glasses are here, cutlery’s over there, and Louise can show you where the napkins are. Otherwise, I have everything taken care of. I just need to cook the fries. I apologize. It’s not exactly a gourmet meal.”

  “It’s fine,” he replied. “I wasn’t lying when I said I love french fries.”

  I was overcome with relief that he seemed willing to move past our disagreement just now and keep things light, for Louise’s sake. “Maybe you can give her your gift after we eat?”

  “Yeah.” He seemed in a bit of a daze, watching me. “She has my mother’s eyes.”

  My heart skipped a beat. “Really?”

  I wondered if he’d still want that paternity test.

  Louise entered the kitchen and approached me. “Mommy, can I show Daddy my room?”

  I blinked a few times—mostly because she’d used the word “Daddy” as if she’d been using it all her life.

  “Of course.” I met Luke’s gaze. “Would you like to see Louise’s room?”

  “I sure would,” he replied with enthusiasm. “Lead the way, sport.”

  Watching them go off, I had to force myself to stay put and focus on dinner when I would have preferred to follow them and be a fly on the wall. But I knew I had to give them space and time to get acquainted. Without me hovering and worrying.

  I moved the gift bag to the top of the fridge, then I emptied a bag of frozen fries onto the cookie sheet and slid it into the oven. I set the timer for twelve minutes, then set a carton of orange juice and the Brita water pitcher on the table. My stomach was churning with anxiety the entire time as I wondered what they were talking about. What was Luke saying to her? How would any man begin to talk to a five-year-old daughter he’d just met for the first time?

  Leo sat by the oven, watching me intently. He tilted his head this way and that.

  “Yes,” I whispered. “I’m freaking out.”

  Five minutes later, Luke and Louise returned to the kitchen.

  “I showed him my dollhouse,” Louise informed me. “And my teddy bears.”

  “You did!” I said excitedly.

  “It’s quite a collection,” Luke replied. “A lot of names to remember. Are you going to quiz me later?”

  She laughed, and an awkward silence ensued.

  “Why don’t you and your daddy set the table?” I suggested, unnerved by the fact that I had just referred to Luke as her “daddy.” But Louise had set the tone earlier. I didn’t want to disrespect that.

  “Okay.”

  It was interesting to watch them interact. Luke was good with Louise—really good. This made me wonder what was wrong with me. Why had I chosen to keep this secret from him? How could I have justified it for so long? And why hadn’t I even tried to see what might come of it? What was I so afraid of? Whatever it was, it couldn’t have been worse than this.

  * * *

  After dinner, we put away the dishes, then moved into the living room to open the gift Luke had brought for Louise.

  She stood at the coffee table and pulled the sparkly ribbon loose, drew out the pink tissue paper and uncovered a large picture book about fairies. With wide eyes, she raised it up and admired the exquisite cover art, then reached into the gift bag and pulled out a Tinkerbell doll. With a gasp of delight, she began to dance around while she hugged the book and doll to her chest. “I love fairies!”

  Luke watched her with a smile and I knew he was completely enchanted, just as he had been during dinner when Louise told stories about school and all the fun things she liked to do.

  I realized there was no one else in the world, besides me, who had ever looked at my daughter that way. My mother was a close second, but this was different.

  “I’m glad,” he replied. “I wasn’t sure what you’d like, but your mom helped me out.”

  I turned to Louise. “What do you say?”

  “Thank you!” She set the book on the coffee table and dashed forward to hug Luke. His cheeks flushed with color and he shut his eyes as he held her tight. He looked as if he might weep.

  I felt such guilt and empathy for him in that moment—for all that he had missed out on, which was all my fault. Again, I berated myself for the choices I had made and I feared whatever repercussions were heading my way. I deserved them.

  When Louise drew back, she picked up the book and climbed onto Luke’s lap. “Can we read it now?”

  “Sure.” As he opened it to page one, his eyes lifted and met mine. He regarded me briefly, but with a clear look of scorn.

  My stomach lurched with dread and I started to worry that his civility through most of the day had been a pretense—that in truth, he was harboring a bitterness far worse than I imagined, and that he might not be amicable when it came to making a decision about the custody of our daughter.

  I wanted to do the right thing and make amends in some way, but what if he was just here to gather ammunition to use against me so he could play hardball? Claire had warned me about that. She’d tried to convince me to call a lawyer rather than communicate with Luke directly, but I still hadn’t picked up the phone to call one.

  My nerves continued to whir as I watched Luke flip through the pages of the book I’d helped him pick out. Terror began to bubble up within me. What if he tried to take her away just for revenge? Would he do that?

  My hands trembled, so I stood and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I needed to take a breath and calm myself.

  My beloved retriever found me at the kitchen counter, staring off into space. He wagged his tail and turned around in a circle.

  “Do you need to go outside again?”

  He trotted to the back door. I opened it for him and he hurried out to the yard. I waited until he returned before I joined Luke and Louise in the living room again, where they were still seated in the chair by the fireplace, utterly absorbed in the book.

  If I wasn’t petrified that he might want to steal my daughter away forever, it might have been a picture-perfect moment.

  “It’s getting late,” I found myself saying in a cool, inhospitable voice.

  They both looked up at the same time, and the similarity in their eyes nearly knocked me over. I had to fight to appear casual.

  “And it’s time for you to get ready for bed, young lady,” I added, as cheerfully as possible. “Why don’t you brush y
our teeth and get into your pajamas. Then you can come and say goodnight to Luke.”

  He regarded me with a frown. Only then did I realize I hadn’t used the word “Daddy” this time.

  It wasn’t a strategic move. I wasn’t nearly that crafty. It just came out that way.

  Louise slid off Luke’s lap and said mournfully, “Okay, but can Daddy read to me tonight?”

  Jealousy washed over me. Reading to Louise at bedtime had always been my thing. I was hurt, rattled and afraid.

  Still, I couldn’t say no. That would be petty and far too revealing. “Of course,” I replied. “As long as you’re quick to get into your jammies. No dawdling.”

  “I’ll be fast as lightning!” She bolted from the room.

  I stood for a moment, watching her disappear down the hall. Then I met Luke’s gaze.

  “Did I do something wrong?” he asked.

  “Not at all.” But there was no fooling him. A blind man could have seen right through my response.

  I moved to sit down on the chair opposite him. “Listen. I’m sorry. This was tense tonight. I just don’t want Louise to get hurt.”

  “Why would she get hurt?”

  Speaking in a quiet voice to make sure she heard nothing from down the hall, I said, “I don’t know. This is complicated. Before today, it was just her and me. We were two peas in a pod. Now, you’re here and it’s obvious you’re angry with me, and I don’t know what your intentions are. And I’m worried she’s going to feel torn between the two of us. I can see it now—you and me, fighting over her.” I paused. “I don’t want to add stress to her life. I just want what’s best for her. I want her to be happy.”

  “And you think I don’t want that?”

  “I don’t know.” I inclined my head at him. “I saw the way you looked at me a little while ago. You’re pissed.”

  He lounged back in the chair, regarding me in silence while my heart nearly pounded out of my chest.

  “I didn’t realize I was that transparent.”

  I spoke frankly. “Well, you are. And I’m trying to be sympathetic here, because the fact is…you were wronged. I don’t deny it. I feel terrible about that. You have to believe me. I do. And I wish I could turn back time. If I could, I would handle this differently. But here we are, with no time machine. Louise is my daughter and it’s been just the two of us since the day she was born. I want to invite you into our lives. Truly, I do, because it’s the right thing to do and I believe Louise wants to know you better, but I can’t let you wreck what we have. Please, don’t try to do that.”