In Too Fast

by Mara Jacobs

  We were sitting in Yvette, in Lot H. I’d met him there at our regular time even though he’d had to cancel the past two days.

  Lot H. The scene of many a mind-blowing make-out session. And now Stick was telling me that he’d knocked up some girl.

  I wanted to rage at him—totally annihilate him. But I didn’t want him to know how much I cared. How much it hurt.

  “Well, that sucks for you,” I said. He just stared at me. I wanted to open Yvette’s door, push him out of the passenger side, start her up and roar her to life and get out of this sucky parking lot. “I mean, I get it. We never discussed exclusivity. I’m just glad we were always careful,” I said instead, in some breezy tone that I conjured up. Damn, now I really wished he didn’t know that I’d been a virgin. I could pretend I’d been sleeping with someone else too.

  And that thought—that Stick had been sleeping with someone else (even though, yes, he had every right…technically)—just about broke my heart. Not that I’d ever let him know that.

  He snorted in disgust. Like he had the right to show disgust at what I said.

  “That’s not it. I’ve been faithful to you, Jane. It was exclusive to me. I told her that I was out—casual as it was—after that first day.”

  There were a lot of “firsts” with Stick. “Which first day?”

  “The day I brought you Yvette. The day you told me about you and your mom going to sit outside Caro’s house when you were a kid. The day you kissed the shit out of me,” he said. He smiled at the last, a sad, soft smile, and part of me thought that maybe we’d make it through this. Weather this—baby-sized—storm.

  “There’s only been you, Jane. Ever since that day. Before it, actually. Since Betsy’s wedding. I just didn’t say the words until that day. But I knew.”

  I’d known too, even though I hadn’t admitted it to myself at the time. Barely admitted it to myself now, after spending nearly every afternoon with the guy for over the past two months.

  “And I was careful with Shelly. Every time. But, you know…”

  Yeah, I knew. Shit happened. And now Shelly was carrying his baby.

  Shelly. Stupid name.

  He took my hand, held it in his on top of the console, our fingers laced together. It was much warmer now, but his hand felt like ice, and I bet that mine was just as cold. There was pain on his face as he whispered my name, just staring at me. Not leaning in for a kiss. Not trying to get me over the console. Just looking at me.

  The old me, the real Jane, would have pounced on his moment of weakness. Would have berated him for being careless (even though apparently he hadn’t been). Would have used this moment to pull away from him and a relationship that could go nowhere even yesterday. Today, it was beyond impossible.

  And yet I didn’t do any of those things. Instead, I waited for him to say he wanted to try and make it work. For him to say yeah, it was complicated and uncomfortable, but what we had was worth seeing through.

  But he didn’t say that. And I…wouldn’t.

  He cleared his throat. I could see the struggle he was going through, and though I knew where it was all leading, I couldn’t help but think about how handsome he was to me now. When, at first, I’d thought he was just ragtag and a little scraggy. Now, I saw the strength of his jaw, the determination in his face, the warmth in his brown eyes.

  “I have to stand by her, Jane. I can’t deny my own child. I won’t.”

  Then. Then was when I fell in love with Stick Whatever.

  He couldn’t possibly know how much that particular sentiment, those particular words, would mean to me—someone who herself had been denied. Loudly and publicly.

  Or maybe he did. Maybe he knew that was exactly what I needed to hear so that I could understand his choice.

  A choice I knew he’d already made. A choice that would break my heart, just as I’d begun to understand its complicated ways.

  “And…I just don’t…want to be an asshole about this all. You know? I can’t keep seeing you while somebody else is carrying my child.”

  “Maybe carrying your child,” I said. “You said she wasn’t sure.” My voice sounded desperate, and I hated that.

  Squeezing my hand, Stick let out a loud sigh, mirroring the heaviness in my own heart. “Yeah. Maybe my child. But we won’t know for a while.”

  “And you want to put us on hold until then? Until after the baby’s born?”

  He shrugged, taking his hand from mine and facing forward, and I knew I’d lost him. No matter what I said, no matter what compromises I made. Me, who had fought compromise with both fists until a few months ago.

  Until I’d agreed to be in the stupid wedding where I danced with Stick and he took my breath away.

  “By that time your semester will be almost over. You’ll be leaving shortly after that to go out on the trail for your father.”

  So, we’d always had a short shelf life? The duration of my freshman year? The life expectancy of…Caro?

  I hadn’t felt it was short term with us, and didn’t think he really did either, but I didn’t call him on it. “That’s true,” I said, not trusting my voice to say more than that. He looked over at me, as if he wanted to read whether what I’d said was true or not. I didn’t look away. He sighed again and looked out the passenger window.

  “So, how do you proceed with…Shelly?”

  “I’m helping out where I can. She’s got shitty health insurance, so I can help with the huge deductible. We’ve talked about her moving into my place, since it’s two bedrooms and it doesn’t look like Lucas is moving back anytime soon. She can save money that way.”

  I desperately wanted to ask which bedroom she’d be using once the baby was born. Or even before, for that matter, now that Stick wouldn’t be sleeping with me. But I kept my mouth shut.

  “Are you…okay for money?” I asked. I had no idea what Caro (or Grayson?) was paying him, but it couldn’t be as lucrative as stealing cars. Which didn’t seem to matter to him before, but now with another mouth to feed…and Shelly. Mustn’t forget Shelly’s mouth as well.

  Plus, there would come a time—soon, apparently—when he would not be paid to be Caro’s caregiver. Would he still continue working for Grayson in some other capacity?

  “Yeah, I’m good,” he said, still looking away.

  “Promise me you won’t go back to stealing cars for money. If you need any—”

  “I won’t. I’m done with that life,” he said. “I was actually starting to look into going to nursing school.” He glanced at me, but then away. I could tell he was kind of embarrassed about talking over his future plans with me now.

  “Oh,” I said.

  He shrugged. “It was Caro’s idea. She thought I’d be good at it. Home nursing in particular. I’d looked into it, but I don’t know…”

  “You would be good at it,” I said with complete conviction. “I never saw you with your dad, but with Caro you’re gentle and understanding, and yet you’re tough when you need to be. You don’t seem to be squeamish over the…gross stuff. And you seem to really grasp the medical part of it all. You’re more than just a caregiver to Caro.”

  He absolutely was. I’d seen him set up an IV for Caro when she’d been dehydrated, and heard him discussing her meds and condition on the phone with her doctors. He’d come up with ways of helping her manage her pain, or if not, at least distracting her from it.

  He shrugged again, looked backed out the window. “Yeah, well, that’s on hold now. But yeah, I’ve got options. I can always work at my dad’s old garage. It’d be okay pay.”

  We sat that way for a long time. Me thinking about Stick’s future. Being a father, having a bond with his baby’s mother, which would eventually blossom into more without me hanging around his neck.

  I sensed (or maybe foolishly hoped) that if I’d made a case, he might have relinquished the no-seeing-each-other part. But to what end? Did I really want to be dating a baby daddy, always wondering what was going on at home with the ba
by momma?

  No.

  “One more thing?” I finally said.

  He turned to me, and I could see his eyes were a little glassy with unshed tears. I thought about how much he probably hated that. Hated that I saw all that raw emotion from him. I would have hated it too, and said a silent blessing that I had enough of my parents’ genes in me to be able to hide it.

  “Anything,” he said.

  “You need to show me how to put the top down on this thing.”

  He let out kind of a half-laugh/half-sob and just nodded, already showing me how to do it, careful not to touch me as he leaned over and showed me the controls.

  When the top was down and the March sun shone in, it felt like all our secrets had been given up to the light of day. Our past kisses in Lot H wafted away with the light breeze, as if they’d never happened. It smelled of fresh spring air, and I longed for the cold days where we could see our breath, and when we’d get close to each other and couldn’t tell whose was whose.

  “When you come to see Caro, I’ll just hang out in the garage,” he said.

  I nodded. “I probably won’t see her as much now with Betsy and Joey coming back.” He’d told me Caro had told her kids the truth about her condition and asked them to come home. Betsy would arrive tomorrow and Joey later in the week.

  “Don’t let them stop you. I know Caro will want you to be there, while—”

  “It’s not my place,” I said.

  He gave a lopsided smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “When has that ever stopped you?”

  It would stop me this time. “We’ll see,” I said.

  “Well…”

  “Well…”

  “Take care, Jane,” he said, and got out of my car. The car he chose for me.

  “You too,” I said, turning Yvette on to cover the quaver in my voice. I drove out of the parking lot before he did. I knew he would turn left, so I turned right, not knowing where I was going.

  I drove in a daze, but was so good with Yvette now that it was okay to be on autopilot. I took a country road away from Schoolport, but not in the direction of Chesney.

  I found a deserted spot and pulled over. I grabbed the scarf and sunglasses Stick had given me from my backpack and put them on, tying the scarf around my head, then neck so it would stay on. Yes, very French-looking indeed. Getting back onto the road, I opened up Yvette, loving how the wind rushed past me with the top down for the first time. I shifted with ease, knowing the instant she needed to go higher. Needing to go there with her.

  And thinking how much Stick would have loved it.

  Chapter Thirty

  Stick

  So that was it. Funny, but I always figured it’d be the car stealing that did me in. And here it was a faulty condom.

  And I was losing Jane instead of going to prison.

  Not to be melodramatic, but that was its own kind of prison.

  Caro began to deteriorate quickly. Betsy was by her side most of the time, and Joey too, once he got home. They both chastised Joe and Caro—and even Dotty—for not letting them know sooner, but I thought Caro knew what she was doing. She would have hated to have Betsy doting on her like this for the past two months.

  I kept up with her care, but now that the interview promos would soon be running, more home nursing help came in. I watched and learned, and once again thought about doing this as a profession. I just couldn’t figure out how to go to school with a kid on the way and all that entailed. If I could even get in to nursing school.

  I didn’t tell Caro the specifics, but she knew Jane and I were done. She didn’t push, and I appreciated that.

  The car collection was ready to be sold, if that was what she wished. It hadn’t taken much, and really had been more of a front for me being there so often. She, Betsy, Joey and I went over the inventory list, me telling them how much they should list each car for, people I knew who might be interested…stuff like that.

  I gave Lucas a heads-up that I’d need to sell my Camaro that he’d been using the past few months. I had a third car too, another Camaro that I’d restored. And, of course, my 1970 Dodge Charger. It would break my heart to sell her, but with the money from all three cars I could get one used, more family-friendly car, and still probably have enough to cover delivery costs and stuff like a crib and car seat.

  I didn’t let myself think too much about becoming a father. I was almost twenty-two. Younger than I would have liked to be when having a kid, but at least I wasn’t sixteen or something.

  I’d grown up without a mother, so I knew what would be missing from my kid’s life if I left Shelly on her own, and there was no way I was going to do that.

  There was no joy that I’d thought I’d hoped I’d feel when expecting my first child, and then I’d feel guilty about that. It certainly wasn’t the baby’s fault that I was in love with someone besides its mother.

  It all just felt…numbing. Caro didn’t have much longer. Jane and I were through. Shelly was due in four weeks. It was a lot of shit to deal with. But I did.

  I didn’t really have any choice.

  Caro was in bed and the TV was on, though I didn’t really think she was watching. I sat beside her, reading a book about cancer patient home healthcare. “Stick, would it be awkward for you to contact Jane and ask her to come see me?”

  Yes, it would be awkward as hell. “No. Would you like me to do that?”

  “Yes. I would like to see her. Soon. I know she hasn’t been coming because of Betsy and Joey being here, and that’s probably for the best. But I would like to…”

  “I’ll let her know,” I said, thinking I would just send her a text, then make plans to be away from the house while she was here. I didn’t trust myself to hear her voice, or see her face. I had made a commitment to be there for Shelly. Not in a romantic way, but I just didn’t want to have Jane’s and my relationship thrown in Shelly’s face while she was huge with my baby.

  I don’t know, it just seemed…tacky. Not that I was above tacky, but I was trying to be.

  With no family in the area, Shelly had decided to stay in her apartment with her roommate until the baby was born, then they’d both move in to my place. Apparently the roommate was not keen on the idea of a crying baby. I knew how she felt.

  “You know what, never mind,” Caro said.

  “You don’t want to see Jane?”

  She nodded, her head seeming so much larger now that her body was even smaller. “I do. But I’ll have Betsy ask her to come.”

  My discomfort had probably shown on my face. “It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

  “I know. And I thank you for that. But it might mean more to Jane that Betsy asks her. They are sisters, after all, and they won’t have me to facilitate their being together. Time for them to start now.”

  It made sense, but I couldn’t help but wonder how Jane would take being summoned to the Stratton estate by Betsy.

  But Jane, and how she felt, were not mine to worry about anymore. My choice, yeah, but it still sucked.

  The promo for the Joe Stratton interview came on, and I tried to reach for the remote and turn it away, but Caro sat up a bit and slapped my hand away. Didn’t have the strength of a baby bird, but she still had a pretty good swat.

  “Wait, I want to see it,” she said. We watched as the clip ran, random sound bites taken totally out of context to make the interview seem more…sensational, I guess.

  “They moved the airdate from what they originally thought,” she said.

  “Did they?” I hadn’t known the original date.

  “Yes, it’s two weeks later now.” She was reaching for the phone, and I handed it to her. “Grayson,” she said when the call connected. “Have you seen the promo? They bumped the airdate.” She put the phone on speaker and laid it on her chest, the effort to hold it up seemingly too much for her. Must have been the hand slap that zapped her of any energy reservoir she might have had.

  “Yes, they let us know they were doing that. Said it was
because they wanted it to air during their sweeps week,” Grayson said.

  “Why wasn’t I informed?”

  Silence. “Honestly, Caro, I thought you wouldn’t want to be bothered with something like that.”

  She gave me a look like, “can you believe this guy?” and I remembered Jane telling me that Grayson and Caro had butted heads more than once in the past. “Do you believe them? That it’s based on ratings week?”

  A pause from Grayson. “Maybe. It could also be…”

  I didn’t know what he meant, but it was obvious Caro did. “What’s the biggest advantage to them?”

  “I’m guessing they had the same discussion. Obviously they thought waiting would be the answer,” Grayson said. “Am I on speaker?”

  “Yes, but it’s just me and Stick in the room. So, if I die before it airs, it’s my last interview ever…that’s a big draw.”

  “Right. But if you last until it airs, then they tout it as ‘on death’s door’ or something. They’d probably rather have it…after, but they can’t wait too long.”

  “Or they run the risk that I give another interview to someone else.”

  “That would mess with our exclusive deal with Amanda Teller.”

  “But was the deal all-inclusive? Meaning, could just I give another interview? But the three of us together couldn’t?”

  “I’ll check the language of the agreement. Are you saying you’d…be able to give another interview?”

  “No, but they don’t know that. Let’s see what kind of leverage we need to control this airdate. We need to make sure it coincides…”

  I didn’t hear the last, making my way out of the room. She didn’t need me right now—she was in her element. And honestly, I just didn’t want to hear them strategize about how she could be a bigger asset—dead or alive.

  This gig would be over soon, and I would miss Caro. And Dotty. And this house. But I would not miss the world they lived in.

  The world Jane would now be a part of.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Jane