A Brand New Ending

by Stephanie Rolls

  “Good huh?” Donovan asks.

  I just nod. “Yeah, this might just be exactly what I needed.”

  “Good to hear, man,” he responds, putting his lips to his own glass.

  “I guess I owe you an apology,” I mutter so quiet I almost hope he doesn’t hear me.

  “For what?”

  I let out a sigh. “For earlier, man, I sort of just snapped.”

  “That’s alright, not like I haven’t been there over a chick before,” he explains.

  I just shake my head, my inner thoughts taking over my mind again. “I just can’t believe she saw us,” I mutter to myself, then realize that I had just said it out loud. I hear Donovan’s glass slam down to the counter, his eyes wide.

  “And what do you mean by us?” he asks, a pissed look on his face.

  I swallow, not wanting to tell him. Not wanting to believe that I am the one who fucked things up. Me and my fucking cock.

  “Remember the bartender…the one I….” I let my voice trail off.

  “…that hot one you fucked?” Donovan so eloquently finishes my sentence for me. I just nod.

  “Well, she showed up at the hospital just as I was leaving,” I continue.

  “Dude,” Donovan responds.

  “And she assaulted me with her mouth, I didn’t even have fucking time to react,” I defend. “I have a horrible feeling that’s what caused Phoenix’s breakdown. I think she saw us.”

  We both fall silent, Donovan’s non-responsiveness putting me on edge. “There is only one way to find out man,” he finally says. “You gotta tell her.”

  What the hell am I going to say? Would she even listen to me? I start picking at the coaster underneath my drink.

  “How was she when they released her?” I ask. Donovan shifts his head from side to side slightly.

  “She was pretty loopy, the Ativan had her pretty jacked up and it was still clearly in her system. She just apologized and pretty much sacked out once I carried her to her bed.”

  A spike of jealousy runs through me. I know that Donovan would never try to go for her like that, but it always seems like he is there for her and I can’t be. We spend a few more hours in the bar, both of us just chatting about various things, trying to avoid the elephant in the room. I’m surprised that I can hold a conversation considering there is only one thing on my mind.

  ~

  The loud sound of a buzzer reaches my ear, an instant groan leaving my throat. I can feel the pounding in my head, an obvious sign that I had way too much to drink last night. I continue to lay with my head on my pillow, almost forgetting why I have my alarm set. My heart starts to beat and I instantly spring out of bed, the room spinning slightly.

  “Fuck,” I say grabbing my head.

  Pulling a new set of scrubs out of my closet I head to the bathroom, deciding to take another shower, considering I smell like a dirty bar. Within ten minutes, I am dressed and heading towards the hospital, my heart beats fast and a thousand words repeat inside my head. After a few blocks of walking fast I pull out my cell phone, realizing that I may have left a little too early. I continue to walk down the street a little slower now and the sound of guitar strings reaching my ears. I walk towards it, a young man busking on the side of the sidewalk with an open guitar case in front of him. It’s scattered with some coins and a few paper bills. I watch him play; his handwork is good for someone so young. I run my fingers over my own calluses, remembering when I started playing, almost the same age as him. My father said it would be good therapy, to get my mind off things. Reaching into my pocket, I grab my wallet, pulling out a twenty dollar bill.

  I toss it into the case, the player giving me a nod without breaking his concentration on the song. I continue to walk down the street, coming across a small novelty shop. I decide to go in, needing to kill a few more minutes. The shop is filled from head to toe with small trinkets, making it somewhat claustrophobic and overwhelming. I mindlessly peruse the shelves, my mind only on her. My stomach is tied in knots. I don’t know how this will turn out but all I know is that I have to tell her everything.

  Just as I am about to leave the shop, something catches my eye. On one the shelves closest to the door is a small porcelain seal. I pick it up, remembering reading Phoenix’s account of her jump from when she was first admitted. When she described something swirling around her feet I knew exactly what she was talking about. She wasn’t the first suicide survivor to tell this story. There had been urban myths and legends about animals saving people’s lives in times of dire need. In Phoenix’s case it was a seal. I knew it instantly when she described the way the water swirled under her feet, the seal working hard to keep her afloat. Grabbing the trinket, I pay for it quickly and rush out of the store, hoping that this will be enough for her to let me talk to her. A possible icebreaker.

  After a few more blocks the hospital comes into view and my heart starts racing even more. I quickly find my way to the staff lounge. As much as I want to run to her room, I know I can’t make a big scene about it, for fear of scaring her or losing my job. Sliding the seal into my pocket, I make myself busy with my tasks. Time is moving too slow during this shift. I keep one eye peeled, looking and hoping to see her. To see her beautiful face. To know if she is OK. When I finish a few things I look down on my duties cart, seeing the words “linens.” Never has such a simple word make my stomach wrench. I was hoping that I would get to see Phoenix on neutral grounds. I didn’t want to invade her privacy like that. I laugh to myself. Privacy? Here?

  Looking up at all the security cameras that clutter the hallway I fear the bedroom is the only place that we can do this. The only place in the hospital that cameras are not allowed. Walking into the linen closet, I grab a pair of fresh sheets and slowly make my way to their door.

  I hesitate and stand in the doorway trying to gather my thoughts, but my nerves get the best of me. Wrapping my fingers around the door knob I push it open slowly, the hinge squeaking a little. The room light is off but there is enough light coming through the shades for me to see inside.

  Shutting the door behind me I set the sheets down on the small table. The room is quiet and I instantly see her form lying in her bed, her long hair sprawled across her pillow. I take small steps to get closer to her, her beautiful face coming into view. She looks so peaceful, it makes me heart soar. All the pain from her face is gone, her lips turned slightly upward.

  She is smiling. I continue to stare at her, absolutely mesmerized by the creature in front of me. If only I knew what was bringing her such joy I would try my hardest to make it come true. Knowing that I could never awaken her, I pull the porcelain seal from my pocket, setting it gently on her nightstand and quietly leave the room.

  Chapter 23

  Phoenix

  Breathing is becoming difficult. My lungs are working overtime and my throat begs for oxygen. I look at myself in the mirror and notice that the color in my skin has vanished. A ghost.

  I slowly side down the cabinet wall, my body giving up, no longer having the energy to stay vertical. As I heave against the wall I feel warmth flow from my arm, the familiar sight of spewing blood running down it and onto the tile floor.

  I watch as it flows through the grout like a river, each line meeting to create an even bigger puddle. The gash in my arm grows bigger with every pulse, the severed veins coming into view as they work overtime to pump more blood. But instead of the usual feeling of happiness I have when I do this, I realize I am filled with fear. An extreme thirst for life fills me and my eyes instantly well up with tears.

  Reaching over with my right hand I try to plug the hole, but my fingers are not wide enough to cover the ever growing gash. I start to cry furiously, begging God for one more second chance. The darkness and silence I longed for just moments ago is far from what I desire now. I want to travel the world; I want to feel the sun beat on my face as I lay in the grass on a warm summer day. I want to feel someone’s love. I want to love someone.

  My fin
gers are deep inside my arm now, finding the severed veins in hope of stopping the blood, but there is no luck. The bathroom floor is now a permanent pool of crimson red. Knowing that it’s a lost cause, I retract my fingers, laying my head back against the cabinets. Closing my eyes I try to talk myself into remembering this is what I always wanted. What I always asked for. As I lay there I can feel myself slipping, my mind blank, no memories or visions from my soon-to-be past life coming. Complete silence. But then a touch. A slight tickle graces my arm, snapping me back into reality. It takes my mind a few seconds to process this touch, but when it does my eyes snap open instantly. Once I can focus I see a figure standing before me, both of its hands clamped onto my wound, an immense burning coming from their touch. It sends me into an agonizing pain. I scream out but the hands do not remove themselves. My whole body shakes, trying to get away from this thing that is hurting me. A pain much worse than Carl has ever inflicted upon me. It feels as though my whole body has been set on fire under my skin and sealed shut.

  I decide to look up at the figure causing this, my heart instantly breaking. The hands belong to Braeden, his green eyes look demonic, the always-compassionate look on his face departed. But he isn’t concentrated on my face, his eyes are looking only at his hands that remain on my arm, a sweat breaking on his brow. I realize that since I saw him, I no longer feel the need to scream and a sense of calm comes about. I take in his apparel. He is still wearing his scrubs, but instead of them being the usual green they are stark white. White in a sea of red. My eyes continue south, now realizing that the blood around his feet is nonexistent, almost as though the blood retreats anywhere he touches. He grabs onto my arm even tighter, snapping me back. The pain is even more excruciating than before and I fear I may blackout. I start to plead for him to stop, confused about what he is trying to do. Was he sent here to finally end me? To put me out of my misery?

  I fall back out of consciousness again, the darkness and silence returning. The pain becomes nonexistent. Just as I fear that I am slipping again, a brush on my cheek awakens me. I fight again to open my eyes and when I do, Braeden’s face is mere inches from me.

  “I thought I had lost you,” his soft, velvety voice utters.

  I try to find words to say, but my mind and mouth will not work together. His fingers continue to brush my cheeks, calming me slightly. Why is he prolonging it? Did he want me to suffer more?

  Prying my eyes away from him, I notice the entire bathroom is now completely white, all the red gone from the room. Even my clothes are white. Grabbing my arm I see that the hole is entirely closed with no sign that it was ever there. The pain, however, lingers. It’s not as strong but it’s a low burn, almost as though my bones have been extinguished from the flames but the damage still remains. Moving my hands slowly, I reach upwards and my once-still heart beats rapidly. I continue to move slowly, fearing that he is merely a mirage that will disappear at my lightest touch. But when my fingertips come into contact with his skin I try to hold back a smile but I can’t.

  When he sees my smile he mimics it, his pearly whites matching the rest of the room. As my heart continues to beat, the knot in my stomach grows. Leaning up slowly, I continue to stare at his mouth until I can feel his hot breath on mine, the knot growing into desire. We both hold still, our breathing moving in sync. Not wanting to wait any longer, I put my lips to his, tasting his sweet breath instantly. My lips move with his, his arms now wrapped around my body and pulls me onto his lap. His touch is somewhat harsh, his fingers clutching onto my shirt tight but I am not afraid of it and I feel as though I crave it. When I pull back from his kiss I can’t help but put my fingers to my lips, feeling the small tingle on them. When I look back up, Braeden is gone.

  ~

  I snap my eyes open, my heart still racing, my mind still in the dream. Reaching up I touch my lips, feeling nothing but dryness. No tingle. No warmth. Tossing my body over, I lay on my side, replaying the whole dream in my head. It still seems so real. Bringing my arms out in front of me, I run my fingertips over the stitches still in my arm, the incision slightly inflamed. Of course it was only a dream.

  Pulling them back into my body I spot something on my nightstand that wasn’t there before. A small porcelain seal is staring at me, its lips slightly curved up as though it is smiling. Reaching out I gently pull it from the table, cupping it in my hands. I smile as I look it over. Flipping over, I place it back on the corner of the nightstand. I continue to smile but then it hits me. He was here? I know where it must have come from and that makes me instantly nervous. I know I’ll have to talk to him eventually, this place being so incredibly small. But the thought of talking to him makes me scared and I wish I had never put myself in this situation. What was there to say?

  My heart begins to race just thinking about it. I want nothing more than stay in this bed forever, to hide from the world. It will only be a matter of time before Rain comes and pulls my ass out. We didn’t talk much about the incident once I was released from the restraints, Rain probably didn’t want to upset me, but I know everyone thinks it was all because of Braeden. But it wasn’t. OK, it was a little about Braeden, but it was mostly about me. I was mad at myself for thinking that Braeden and I would run off together when I got out of here and live happily ever after. Or that he was anything close to being mine. I wouldn’t even know what to do with him if he was.

  Once my father died, I instantly put a wall around my heart. It kept me safe. It kept me from getting close to anyone and never feeling the pain of loss all over again. Something about Braeden slowly made that wall crumble and it scared me. Fairy tales are bullshit. There was no prince to rescue me. There was no spell to make the big bad wolf disappear. This was real life. My life.

  Pulling my cover off, I get out of bed slowly. I grab the seal in my hand, a sudden irritation flowing through me. I walk into the bathroom and, holding my hand clutching the seal out over the wastebasket, my palms become sweaty. As much as I want to release it and drop it into the trash, I can’t. Its eyes seem to bore into mine.

  “Fuck,” I mutter as I retract my hand.

  It bugs me how much he is still under my skin, even though I plead and beg for my body and mind to forget about him. He doesn’t even have to be in the room for me to feel him. Grabbing a few sheets of toilet paper, I wrap the figurine up and place it in the back of my closet. After getting dressed I hover at our bedroom door, not wanting to leave the confines of the room. As I stand there, I can hear my stomach grumble, not having eaten in quite some time.

  Putting my trembling hand on the door knob I pull it open, the bright lights from the hallway blinding me. When my eyes adjust I instantly scan the hallway. He is nowhere in sight. I feel like I exhale for the very first time. Walking slowly to the kitchen I grab myself a plate and notice that my appetite is returning, slightly. I sit down and eat a few bites, mostly pushing the rest of it around my plate with my fork. Just when my nerves have calmed, I look up and scan the room, wondering what Rain is doing at this moment. It’s only a matter of time before my eyes find him.

  He’s looking down at something in his hand; I assume what could only be a patient’s chart. After staring at him for a few seconds he looks up, our eyes instantly connecting. I quickly retreat, putting my attention back on my plate of food. My heart now starts to race. I could just get up from the table and exit the room through the other entrance, but some unexplainable force keeps me planted in my chair. I can feel him coming closer but I keep my eyes down until he is standing on the opposite side of the table, his fingers gripping the back of the chair opposite me. I look up from under my eyelashes, noticing that his knuckles are turning white. He’s nervous. That makes two of us.

  “Phoenix,” his tone is eerily similar to what it was in my dream. Dropping my fork down on my plate, I slowly look up at him. The look on his face is heartbreaking, even to someone who is incredibly mad at him. He looks lost.

  “Yes, Brae…” I pause. His eyes look down at the table
instead of looking at me.

  “Can I talk to you?” he asks.

  I lick my lips before responding. “About what?” I ask, clearly knowing what I am doing. I hear a sigh leave his throat.

  “Please,” his voice begs. I realize how torn I am at this moment, wanting nothing more than for this to all be over. Standing up, I grab my tray in my hands. Braeden’s hand drops off the chair, a look of defeat in his eyes.

  “Remember where…” I swallow hard. “We talked earlier, out in the yard?”

  He nods. “Be out there in 5 minutes.”

  He just nods again and leaves the kitchen. I slowly walk over and put my tray in the window. My heart still beats fast as I doodle around the day room, each minute seeming to last an eternity. When I think that enough time has passed I make my way to the patio door. The wind is blowing so hard that it takes all of my might to push it open. When I get outside, an instant chill runs through my body. I usually like the cold, having lived in cold places for all of my life, but not tonight.

  I slowly make my way down, out of the security camera’s eye. When I round the corner he is already there. When he sees me he takes a hurried step forward, making me instantly take a step back.

  “I’m sorry,” he mutters as I retreat.

  Wrapping my arms around myself, I wait for him to speak. To plead his case. Braeden remains standing where he is and I can tell he is thinking carefully about what he was going to say next.

  “You shouldn’t have seen that,” he says first, his words shocking me.