Stilettos & Stubble

by Amanda Egan

  The kitchen was beginning to fill up and the levels of noise and excitement were building. I spotted Vi and Lady sitting at the table, sharing a cigarette and a joke and I smiled to myself. Annie had been right - they needed their little bonding sessions and if it meant we’d all get a bit of peace at work for a few weeks it was worth it.

  Just as I was reaching across to grab an olive, I heard a huge ‘Woo-hoo’ and found myself being grabbed by the waist and dragged through the rooms and corridors of the flat in a raucous and clumsy conga. Tittie and Annie were at the head and Betty had me firmly by the hips and bum - enjoying the contact a little too much!

  Deciding to throw myself fully into the fun, I hoisted my dress up to thigh level and whooped and hollered along with the rest of group as we snaked through the flat, mounting tables, beds and chairs as we went. I caught a passing glimpse of myself in their full-length hallway mirror and saw that I was flushed and dishevelled - back to ‘Scruffy Old Perce’, despite my finery - and I couldn’t have given a stuff. I was enjoying myself.

  That was until I saw another reflection looking back at me with a smile. It was ‘The Hulk.’

  Chapter Thirteen

  The shambolic conga finished in a heap on the dining room floor and I rushed to the loo to assess the damage. It was as bad as I expected - my hair was frizzy and my dress was hanging off one shoulder, revealing a rather chunky bra strap. To top the ‘attractive’ ensemble off, my nose was a slick of grease and my cheeks were scarlet.

  Damn, damn and damn. What was it with this guy turning up every time I made a complete plonker of myself? And what on earth was he doing at Annie and Tittie’s party? It was almost like he was the Grim Reaper, always there to see my pratfall and waiting for me to die of embarrassment.

  I shuddered at the thought and rummaged through the plethora of make up in the bathroom cabinet - one of the many bonuses of hanging around with my new showbiz buddies. I managed to remove the shine off my nose and the black streaks from under my eyes. After a manic hit of hairspray, my curls calmed down and complied with my panicked instructions. I took a huge breath and held it while saying to myself, ‘Cool and calm, Percy. Cool and calm. Get a drink, chat to people and be charming. Ignore him and you’ll be fine.’

  My affirmations over, I gave myself one last nervous smile and headed for the kitchen.

  *****

  Any thoughts of entering the kitchen for restorative Dutch courage were quickly shot down in flames when I saw ‘The Hulk’s’ bulk obscuring the doorway.

  As much as I needed a drink, I refused to approach him and ask him to excuse me. What a totally stupid place to stand anyway.

  Spotting Betty in the corner of the sitting room with his own bottle of wine, I grabbed a glass from the nearest table and headed over.

  ‘Fancy sharing a glass with me Betty .., er … Dave? What do you prefer when you’re off duty?’ I asked.

  He turned and smiled. ‘Well if it isn’t the horny Percy. Call me Dave now - all man, I am.’ He filled my glass to the brim and sidled up to me. ‘Looking pretty hot tonight, if I may say so. And those hips fitted rather nicely into my clutches when we were doing the old conga. I like a woman with a bit of meat on her.’

  I glugged at my wine and smiled nervously. ‘You are terrible, Dave! What does your wife think of your flirting? You’re a nightmare!’

  He threw back his head and laughed. ‘What does my wife think? Stella doesn’t think of anything other than ovulation, temperatures and sperm counts. Sex is strictly for attempts at baby-making. If I need to get it somewhere else when it’s “not the right time”, it serves her right.’ He looked angry and sulky but I still couldn’t feel any pity for him. Any that I did feel was all for Stella. I couldn’t even contemplate marriage to a drag queen, let alone a philandering one.

  I helped myself to some more of Dave’s wine and began to feel myself relax. Until I heard him say, ‘Oooh, looks like you might have another admirer heading your way. HUGE bloke alert!’

  It could only have been one person and I turned to face him, spilling my drink and treading on his toe simultaneously. Dave let out a huge snort behind me and I could have kicked him with my size nines. ‘The Hulk’ grimaced and hopped on one foot for a second or two before smiling and offering his hand. ‘Hi. I’m Luke and I figured I owed you an apology for the way I spoke to you the other night. It wasn’t your fault your dad was in that state and I over-reacted - I’d had a tough day. Sorry.’

  I shook his hand and smiled back. ‘Well then I shall apologise for flashing my knickers at you the other night. I don’t make a habit of it, you know.’

  As much as I never wanted to think about that awful incident again, I had to address it and lay it to rest once and for all.

  Luke smiled again - a very nice smile, which changed his whole demeanour. ‘Oh, don’t give it a second thought. I was off my head at the time so I don’t remember much, but I’m perfectly used to women flashing their knickers at me.’

  Tittie appeared at that moment, filling glasses and joining in conversations. ‘Ah well, what a shame you were pissed, young man. Our Percy was sporting her best diamond studded G-string that night, weren’t you, Perce? He looked at me and winked and I smiled gratefully. My Bridget knickers were a secret between us and he’d made me sound like a sex kitten instead of a frump.

  Tittie offered his hand to Luke and said, ‘I’m one the ladies of the manor. What brings you here?’

  ‘Well I just happened to be leaving ‘The Queen’s Head’ when that act that gets even straight men hot under the collar told us all to head on over here for a party.’

  ‘Ah, yes. The Luscious Lubov! More sex appeal in her little finger than the rest of us put together. I reckon it’s all to do with the mystery,’ Tittie added in a whisper. ‘Well that and the fact that she doesn’t have a mouth like a sewer on her, like the rest of us. Present company accepted of course, Perce!’ And he let out a massive laugh followed by a drunken hiccup. ‘Excuse me!’ he said and proceeded to wiggle across the room, chatting with guests, continuing to top up drinks and singing lines from musicals as he went.

  I noticed Dave had made a sly getaway and wondered if he felt uncomfortable in the company of straight men - which, if my radar served me well, Luke clearly was.

  ‘How did you end up working in a drag club then?’ Luke asked as he moved in just ever so slightly closer. ‘Quite an odd job for a young woman, isn’t it?’

  I didn’t want to go into all the details of my failed career path and disastrous job interviews so I skimmed over and just said, ‘Oh, I bumped into Tittie’s partner Annie one day and we just hit it off. I’m a writer really.’

  What? Where the fuck had that come from? What a rancid can of worms I’d opened. Why did I always do that when I was nervous? Now I’d have to field a whole heap of questions that I had no answers to. Bugger, bum and poo.

  ‘Wow! A writer! What type of stuff do you write? Are you published?’

  And there they were - the questions that I should have known would follow but stupidly hadn’t thought through. It was time to dig myself in even deeper.

  ‘Oh, just romances really. Light, fluffy stuff. My agent’s in negotiations with a publisher at the moment.’ I added a flippant little titter and hoped the conversation would move swiftly on.

  Why? Why had I done that? I wasn’t a liar - I’d never been a liar. I was ashamed of myself but the deed was done and there was no going back.

  Eager to make sure his line of questioning stopped at that, I sipped at my drink and asked, ‘What about you? What do you do for a living?’

  There was the slightest of pauses before he answered and I wondered if he’d cottoned on to my lie and was playing me at my own game. ‘Me? Not a lot really. Between jobs at the moment. It’s tough out there in the job market right now.’

  Well for someone who claimed to be unemployed, he certainly had cash to flash! He’d paid over two hundred quid to get his mates into The Glove and his clothe
s were clearly more Armani than Primarni. Rich mummy and daddy no doubt - I’d met his type before.

  And right on cue, the Hooray Henrys he’d come with appeared at his side, loud and brash and clearly bored. The ring leader, in crisp chinos and fashionably creased linen shirt, slapped his friend on the back and slurred, ‘Hey, Dude! Let’s get outta here. No fitties, no point, Man! Seb says there’s another party on over at Chloe’s place. Bound to get lucky there.’

  I was invisible to his crowd. Perfect little blondes with snub noses and expensive extensions were no doubt their main fodder and I didn’t even hit their radar. Luke looked a little embarrassed and put his wine glass down on the mantelpiece, preparing to leave. ‘It was nice to chat to you … Percy. Great name by the way.’

  ‘Come on, Man!’ The friend was getting impatient. Luke gave me an apologetic smile and a shrug and was gone.

  Suddenly the party didn’t seem quite so much fun any more.

  *****

  Curled up at home with a huge mug of hot chocolate, I was stroking Bogey’s ears and re-living the night’s events. I now knew ‘The Hulk’ was called Luke and I repeated the name in my head. Luke, Luke, Luke. It suited him - a good solid name. And he seemed a nice guy really. Maybe I’d misjudged him. It was just a shame about his friends. I knew their ilk too well and avoided them like the plague - users with no thoughts for anyone but themselves or their own gain. Was Luke like that too? The thought saddened me and cast a black cloud over what had otherwise been a pleasant evening.

  A tiny tap on the front door stopped my thoughts and I went to open it, thinking that Dad had probably forgotten his key. I’d been surprised when he hadn’t chosen to share a cab home with me, preferring to stay on at the party and continue enjoying himself.

  Peering through the spy hole in the door, I found that it wasn’t my dad but Tom. Swaying slightly and with a lopsided grin on his face. Ah yes, he’d been on his date with Dopey Diana and no doubt wanted to fill me in on the details.

  I opened the door with a smile. ‘Welcome, oh Pissed One! You survived, then.’

  Tom came into my flat a little unsteadily and flopped on the sofa, disturbing Bogey’s slumber. My cat gave one bat of his eyelids, a flick of his back leg and then left for the bedroom. He didn’t do date post mortems and it was his mission to claim the lion’s share of the bed before Dad did.

  ‘Coffee?’ I looked at Tom. ‘I take it no more alcohol is required?’

  He shook his head and then held it. The hangover was obviously kicking in early. ‘Coffee, yes please. Black and lots of it.’

  As I waited for the kettle to boil and spooned instant coffee into two mugs, I called through to the sitting room, ‘Take it you had a good night then?’

  I could see him nodding and yawning on the sofa and I took our drinks through and placed them on the coffee table.

  ‘Oh I had a great time, Perce. Diana’s actually really good company once you get to know her. Did you know she does heaps of work for charity?’

  I shook my head, ‘I had no idea! I just thought she was all high maintenance and air-headed. She’s certainly never had a job in the whole time I’ve known her.’

  ‘No, that’s just it, Perce. She doesn’t work. Rich parents, so she lunches and fundraises.’

  ‘Wow, so we need to start calling her Saint Diana then, do we? Little bit smitten are we, Tom?’

  Tom let out a massive sigh and slurped at his coffee. ‘She’s a really nice girl, Perce, and her heart’s in the right place but … oh, I don’t know!’ He shook his head and chewed the inside of his cheek thoughtfully. ‘I just don’t see me getting involved with someone who’s so into their looks and keeping up appearances. It would just be knackering.’

  He looked to me for the magic answer. When I could think of none to offer he pressed with, ‘It would be, wouldn’t it Perce? It would be a nightmare.’

  He was obviously torn. He liked her but did he like her enough to put up with the fake tan, the nails, the hair, the designer clothes?

  ‘Oh, Tom. I don’t know. I’m certainly no expert on relationships, as you well know, but if you really like her, surely you can see beyond all the glitz and glamour.’ I dunked a chocolate HobNob into my coffee and tucked my feet under me. ‘It’s the second change in direction I’ve seen tonight. Must be something in the air!’ I wanted to talk about my evening too and I shifted the conversation in the right direction, continuing with, ‘Remember ‘The Hulk’ I told you about? I met him at Annie and Tittie’s party tonight. He’s called Luke and he apologised for being rude to me. He’s not as arrogant as I thought.’

  Just saying his name made me smile. Luke. Percy and Luke. Hmm, maybe that was taking things a bit too far but I was allowed to dream.

  I’d lost Tom, I could see. He showed a cursory interest in my news and then continued with his own dilemma. ‘She wants to go out for cocktails and dinner tomorrow but I’m wondering if I should put the brakes on it now. It’ll never work.’

  I yawned and stretched. Tom could quite easily spend the rest of the night arguing with himself and any input from me was unlikely to change his mind. It was almost three-thirty and I was struggling to keep my eyes open. I didn’t relish the idea of another night scrunched up on the sofa but, with dad still staying, I had no choice.

  Dad! I checked my watch again. It really was quite late and I suddenly panicked that he wasn’t home yet. He usually liked his early nights and it was unheard of for him to be such a party animal.

  After I’d shown a love-struck, world-weary Tom to the door, I checked my mobile in my bag and was relieved and confused in equal measures to see I’d received a text from my father about an hour ago.

  ‘Staying the night with a friend. Don’t forget to lock up xxx’

  Chapter Fourteen

  I was in a foul mood at work the next night. I’d managed to avoid Annie, Tittie et al and kept myself to myself, working through my chores and keeping out of people’s way.

  It wasn’t often that I became a Bad Mood Bear and it bugged me when it hit and I couldn’t find a reason for it. I had a job I loved, good friends and a roof over my head. What did I have to be miserable about?

  If I probed my feelings further and was truly honest with myself, I knew what it was. I was lonely. Tom would probably end up seeing more of Diana, Daddy appeared to have a new friend and I’d be left behind without anyone again.

  I’d also had a call from my mother that morning and, from what I could tell, all was not so rosy with Nigel. She’d more or less implied that I should wrangle it for my Dad to move back in and when I’d refused she’d got quite tetchy.

  And amongst all this misery, the image of Luke’s huge frame kept popping into my head. No doubt he’d bedded some perfectly polished Sloane Ranger type last night and for some reason that thought irked me. I wanted him to be bigger than that, better than that, but if he was anything like his friends, it didn’t bode well.

  Filled with gloom, I made my way to the customers’ loo to touch up my make up before opening time and was surprised to hear the unfamiliar sound of Vi and Lady’s booming laughter - Annie had been right, the party had been the perfect way to get them back on track and the bickering had finally taken a back seat for the time being. But what I heard after the laughter made my blood boil and saw me flying into the dressing room in a rage.

  ‘Oh, Marco, kiss me! I can wait no longer to feel your firm lips on my own.’ Vi was reading from a printed copy of my book, fishnet clad legs up on a chair, with Lady and Tittie opposite as his captivated audience.

  I was livid but, more than that, I was hurt. I stood there with my hands on my hips, well aware that I looked like a stern Victorian nanny but not caring. They’d over-stepped the mark and Tittie had betrayed my trust.

  ‘What exactly do you think you’re doing? That’s private property you know. Give it to me now! Did you print this off, Tittie?’ I didn’t even bother waiting for his reply, I was too wound up and on a roll. ‘Well, shame on yo
u! I thought you were my friend.’ I could feel the prickle of embarrassed tears but I was determined not to let them out. ‘How dare you laugh at me!’

  Tittie jumped to his feet and came over to comfort me. I stepped away, not wanting to receive his hug or excuses. ‘Oh Sweetness, we’re not laughing at you. We love it. We really do. We’ve even started writing some of our own. Look, we’re calling it “50 Shades of Shocking Pink!”’ And he showed me a leopard print notebook they’d all been having a scribble in. ‘I’d never laugh at you, you should know that.’ He looked a little put out and I wondered if perhaps I’d over-reacted.

  Vi came to Tittie’s defence and approached me. ‘We really do love it, Perce, and we’ve had great fun coming up with our own plot. It can get really boring between acts and it’s given us something to do. Of course, yours is far better than ours - and ours is all gay sex - but we’d never have thought of it if it hadn’t been for you.