I needed a new approach because avoiding her now was becoming impossible. She was going to give me answers even if they weren’t the ones I wanted to hear.
Chapter 26
That next evening I drove over to Kat’s house again. She wasn’t home, but ended up pulling in while I was sitting there. I watched her climb out of the vehicle and fetch the child from the back. She kissed her a few times before letting her walk alongside of her. That’s when it really sunk in. This little girl was her child. Kat had gone away and had a kid. She was a freaking mother, which meant there was obviously a father.
While I sat there trying to do the math with how soon she got pregnant after she’d left, the male pulled into the driveway. As soon as he got out the child ran toward him and threw her arms up. He lifted her, kissing her whole face. This was the dad. It was all very clear.
I couldn’t have been sure, but I swear Kat noticed my truck sitting on the road. I quickly pulled away before she said something to whoever the guy was.
That night, after I knew everyone was probably asleep, I left the barracks and headed back to Kat’s address. I climbed out of my truck and looked in the mailbox, hoping to find the guy’s name. When it was empty I looked back at the house and saw the curtain folding.
As fast as I could move, I got back on the road, hoping they didn’t call the authorities.
Since I had no luck, a few days later I went back during the day when I figured nobody would be home. I’d climbed out of my truck and opened the mailbox, hoping to get a name to put to the guy’s face. Once I had it I planned on writing her a letter, hoping she could at least explain why she’d given up on me.
The answer was as plain as day.
The first envelope was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Robert Parsons. The second was made out to Katy Michaels Parsons.
They were married.
They had a child together.
The letters came out of my hands, falling to the ground at my feet. As I dropped to pick them up a police car pulled behind me. An officer climbed out and approached with caution. “Can I help you, soldier?”
It was impossible to keep the burning tears from pouring out of my eyes. This wasn’t just heartbreaking. It made me wish I was back on the battlefield. This was a nightmare.
I shoved the mail back in the box. “Sorry. It’s not what it looks like. I was trying to see if this was the address of my friend. I’ve been away for a couple years, and I’m just trying to locate her.”
“The owners of the home have reported a suspicious vehicle sitting outside the property. You can’t be going through their mail. It’s a federal offense.”
“I’m sorry. I won’t come back again. I assure you.”
I went to get back into my truck before he spoke again. “So is it your friend’s address?”
It was hard to answer him. I didn’t know what to consider Kat because she’d obviously lied to me. “Yes. I know Mrs. Parsons. Well, I knew her a long time ago, before she was married. I’m sorry you had to come back out here. I assure you it won’t happen again.”
“I’m going to need your name for assurance. If I get the report I’ll have to write something up.”
Since I knew I wouldn’t be returning, I was fine with giving him my information. We shook hands before I got into my truck and pulled away from the residence.
I ended up in a bar a mile from the barracks. It was a dive, not that I paid attention. To keep from losing my shit, I poured alcohol down my throat until everything felt numb.
Kat had destroyed me. There was nothing left to hope for. The last few months of correspondence had been lies. She was married with a child, who was obviously around each time she wrote about still having feelings for me. I wondered if she waited until her husband left for work to send me those lies, or did he know she was giving me false hope?
Thinking about it made me cringe. I’d gone through hell to get stationed close to her, only to find out we never had a chance. Yet again something was coming between us, but this time I wouldn’t push my way back into her life. I couldn’t do that knowing she had a child; a family.
I’d never be able to compete with that, and so I decided to walk away.
April 21st
I came all this way for nothing. Everything I’ve done was a waste. She never wanted me. It was all some sick game she was playing, probably to make herself feel better about what happened in the past. How could she rip my heart out again and again? I’m starting to wonder if she knew I loved her all along. Maybe she was just evil. It would make more sense than assuming she up and married the first guy that came along, without making an effort to seek me out.
The pain I’m feeling can’t be described. I wish I’d go to sleep and never wake up. It’s not even the betrayal that’s ripping me to shreds. It’s seeing the image of her daughter. The bitch carried a child and never once mentioned her. What kind of mother does that?
I could never forgive her for this. I don’t even know if I’ll get to a point where I want to. As soon as my two years are up here in South Carolina I’m getting the fuck away from this place. Kat can stay here and rot for all I care. She’d ruined my life, and now there’s nothing left to fight for.
I was a fool for loving someone with my whole heart. I should have known that I’d get burned. Now I’m lost, without a damn way to break free of this agony. Loving her was always my downfall. I guess I’d just never hit rock bottom until now.
The next time I spoke to my parents wasn’t until a few weeks had gone by. Thankfully I was able to get out of bed without an excruciating headache from stress. My father answered the phone, and immediately I thought of the whole family, Kat included.
“Brooks, is that you? How’s the weather in the south?”
“It’s warm. Some days have gotten pretty hot, but it doesn’t compare to where I was before. How are you and mom doing?”
“Good. Mom’s out with some friends. I’ll be sure to tell her you called. So, are you settled finally? Is the paperwork submitted for your surgery?”
“Pretty much. I’m still waiting for that appointment with the specialist. So far so good.”
“Have you been able to track Katy down yet?”
I sat there for a second wondering why he’d say that. I’d never mentioned her to him before. “Why would you ask me that?”
“Son, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out you’d go where she was near. Is she okay?”
“I haven’t seen her,” I lied. “Wherever she is, she doesn’t want to be found. Let’s just leave it that way, okay? I’ve got enough on my plate.”
He cleared his throat, and I could tell that my comment had left him more curious. “Brooks, is there something you’re not telling me?”
“No.” I responded quickly. “All is good. I was only calling to check in. When I get word about my hand appointment you’ll be the first to know.”
“Okay, son. Take care then.”
“You too.”
That night I was fighting demons that I couldn’t defeat. There was no hope left in my future, and with that knowledge, it left me susceptible to rehash every single enduring word she’d written on paper. I found myself back at a bar, drinking until I couldn’t feel it anymore. The utter disgust I felt for Kat had no end. I wanted her to admit to what she’d done, so I could figure out how to make sense of it all. There had to be a better explanation than she wanted to hurt me. I couldn’t allow myself to believe the woman I once knew was gone.
That next morning I had to run an errand off base. In a military vehicle, I drove past her house, parking further away so I couldn’t be detected. Like every day, she’d come outside to hang clothes. The little blonde child ran around playing in a kiddie pool nearby.
Once Kat was done with her chores, she sat down next to the little pool and played with the child. The blonde, curly-haired toddler, laughed and screamed with excitement. I’d never seen Kat so attentive before. Even from the distance I stood, I could tell she was in lo
ve with that child. That’s when it really hit. It was obvious that her decisions were never about her, but more for the child. Kat must have been running and the man she was with was the first person to offer her support. She probably never planned on getting pregnant, but once she had there was no going back.
Perhaps in some ways she did love me. Maybe me being away let us have some sort of kindred romance. The moment she got word that I was coming home everything changed. She knew I’d find out the truth, so she stopped being available. Kat had cut ties with me because she knew I wouldn’t like what I found when I finally got to her.
Then I started blaming myself again. If only I’d stayed instead joining the Army, maybe we would have had that chance.
It was too late.
I got in the vehicle and began to drive away.
May 7th
I’ve made a decision to let things go. I can’t change who she’s become, and there’s no way I’m going to be a home wrecker. I have morals, and even though I’d crossed boundaries in the past, this was different. She’d committed herself to someone else. I even feel bad about the letters that she’s written me because I know her husband couldn’t have been okay with some of the things she was saying to me.
I’m always going to love Kat. She’s the only one for me. I’m content with knowing there’s nothing I can do to change that. I was born to be with that woman. Maybe in our next life we’ll have a chance at love again. I’m not going to wish for her to get a divorce. I don’t want to share her with other people. I know that type of life would never make me happy. I wanted all of her, or nothing at all.
I pray that one day we can be friends again, but for now, I need time to cope. I’m a strong guy. I’ve been afraid of a lot of things, but this was something I couldn’t stop from happening. I’d lost the love of my life, once and for all. She was happy, and it was enough for me to step aside. It was the least I could do after making her wait so long for me to come home. Maybe one day I’ll find someone to share my life with. Sure, they won’t be my soul-mate, but I could learn to appreciate the love they have for me, because being alone like this feels as if I’m living in my own personal hell, with no way to exit.
Chapter 27
By the first of July I was doing a little better. I happened to enjoy my new job, and for the most part, staying busy. There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t think of Kat, but I was learning to handle it in a positive way. She’d know by now that I was home safe, and I could only hope that she’d reach out to my parents so they’d be able to meet her little girl. I knew something that important would mean the world to them. They’d spoil her to no end, and Kat would finally be able to stop worrying that they were still upset. To be honest, I don’t know if they were ever mad at her. Something told me they knew all along that the marriage to my brother was a huge mistake. It didn’t matter anymore. Kat was married to someone else. They were happy, and I was moving forward with my life.
Because of my injury, and traditions in the town nearest to base, I was signed up to be a part of the Independence Day parade. It was an easy gig. All I had to do was sit on the back of a truck and wave with my good arm. Since I’d recently been working with a therapist, my wrist and arm were killing me. It had gotten so bad in the past couple days that they put it in a splint while I was up during the day. Only at night could I take it out.
After helping out as much as I was able, I climbed down the back and prepared to do my part. To the crowd of people, I was a hero. Little did they know I was just a guy who was desperately trying to find my place in a world that I no longer associated with.
I don’t know why, but the whole time I stared out into the crowd, searching for the sight of Kat. I didn’t care if she was with her husband. I just wanted to see her there, smiling and happy, because somehow that gave me the courage to keep forging forward.
When the parade was over we all hopped off the truck to commence with the people. I was making my way to get a drink when I spotted her in the crowd. It was just for a second, and apparently that’s all it took. Down she fell to the ground, and all I could do was stare. Her husband fell to her side, followed by a crowd of spectators. Before I knew it I was being pushed to the side. I walked in another direction and stood next to a tree to make sure she was okay. The last thing I needed was to make a scene.
Once she sat up and started looking around I knew that was my cue to get out of there. I wasn’t ready to be face to face with her. I still didn’t know if I’d ever be.
I panicked, unable to accept that we’d been that close and not said a single word to each other. Another thing I wondered about was why she’d passed out? Why would that be her reaction to seeing me? I’d told her I was coming home to be with her. She knew I was back in the states, yet she appeared to have seen a ghost, or someone she feared. It made me feel like shit.
Three days later, I was sitting in my office looking over documents for new recruits that would be coming in to train. For the life of me I couldn’t keep my focus on anything. I kept replaying seeing Kat at the parade, and how she’d reacted when our eyes met.
The phone rang, causing me to jump clear out of my seat. I pushed the button to answer it. “Valentine?”
“Sir, this is Matthews at the front gate. I have a woman out here claiming she needs to see you. She’s says it’s an emergency.”
I tried to keep my composure, knowing only one woman knew where to find me. “Did she give a name?”
“Yeah, she said her name is Katy Michaels.”
I rubbed my face with both hands, trying to consider my options. It wasn’t like I had the gull to send her away. More than anything we needed to hash this out. Once and for all I longed to have closure.
“Send her through.”
I’d had years to think about what I’d say if I saw her again, yet in this instant I couldn’t come up with one thing. My heart was thumping so hard that I swore it was going to explode. If that wasn’t bad enough, my throat felt as if it were closing. I took a sip of water before standing up and putting my hat on, hoping I could use it to shield myself from getting lost in those eyes that I loved so much.
It was one-hundred and seventy four steps to the parking lot. I know this because I counted them to keep my mind off what was about to happen. As the patter of her car pulled into a parking spot, I stepped out to greet her.
As impossible as it was to grasp, I could feel a tightening in my throat again, this time because I was fighting back my emotions. It was important to stay strong. She couldn’t know she’d broke me.
Right away I could tell she was refusing to look in my direction. I stood on the curb, clenching my jaw trying to come to grips with the situation. Before I knew what I was doing, I found myself opening the passenger side door and climbing in. Right away I could smell her shampoo. It took me a few seconds to look in her direction. She was peering out the window, refusing to turn my way.
“Kat, look at me.” The silence was torture.
It was hard for me to watch her turn to face me in slow motion. Her eyes said it all, even before my name escaped her lips. “Brooks.”
I couldn’t help from touching her, wiping those tears away that were falling from her eyes. “Don’t cry. I can’t handle it.”
She scrunched up her face and cried harder. “I just got your letter. The last one you sent. It must have gotten lost.”
I placed my fingers over her lips. Just for a second I wanted to avoid thinking she could be lying to me. The more I thought about it, the angrier I felt. “Like the letters you wrote to me, telling me you were married with a kid?”
Kat hid her face, placing it against her steering wheel. I’d hit a nerve, and as much as I felt the need to hurt her, I knew I didn’t have it in me.
“I’m so sorry, Brooks. I didn’t have the heart to tell you. I never expected that you’d still love me and when I found out you did, nothing else mattered except for you and me.”
I was in shock. What did all this m
ean?
“Kat, do you have any idea what I had to do to get stationed near you? It was a pain in the ass and involved a lot of ass kissing. I figured that it didn’t matter as long as I had you. We could get married and live on or off a base somewhere, and maybe even have a couple of kids. Do you have any idea how it felt to pull up at your house and see you with them? At first I couldn’t believe it. I thought maybe you were living with friends. Then when that cop came and told me that you and your husband were concerned, I knew my fears were true.”
“I’m sorry. You don’t understand what happened to me.”
This time I was the one looking away. I refused to let her see me upset. “How long have you been married, Kat?”
“Two years,” she replied in a whisper.
I twisted my body to face hers, unable to come to grips with the fact that she’d been with this person for two whole years. I felt like an idiot. “Jesus Christ. Did you even mean the things you said to me, or were they all just bullshit?”
“Everything I said was the truth and you know it!” She defended.
I gazed out the passenger window again. I had to keep hiding my face. She knew me too well. “I wish I could believe that.”
It shocked me when I felt her hand grazing mine. I looked in her direction immediately, catching her eyes with mine. It was important to change the subject before I did or said something I’d regret later. “I can feel your touch. It’s gotten worse. The feeling comes and goes. If it keeps up I’m going to fail my next PT-test and then I’ll be up shit’s creek.” Focusing on my injury was the best I could come up with.
Kat wasn’t going to let it go. She ignored my comment. “You’re the only man that I’ve ever truly loved, Brooks. Look at me and tell me that I’m lying.”
She gave me that look; the one I couldn’t refuse. “It changes nothing. I won’t be a home wrecker. You never really belonged to Branch, but the man you’re married to doesn’t deserve to get his heart ripped out. If he loves you half as much as I do, that’s what will happen. I can’t live with myself for doing that. As much as it hurts me to say this, I’ve got to walk away from you, for good this time.”
Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Page 17
