Kat sat there crying, and I did nothing to stop her. If she only knew how many nights I’d cried myself to sleep, how many months I’d prayed to be with her again. If she could only be in my shoes for a day she’d know why this was impossible for me to handle.
With a car full of silence there was only one thing left to do. Before I lost it in front of her, I had to walk away. Before I managed to step out, I could feel the burning in my eyes. I turned back one more time, displaying years of pent up anguish all over my face. It was so hard to push the words out of my mouth, but I did my best. “Take care of yourself, Kat. Be a good mother and wife. Give them the love that we have and you’ll be happy. I know you will.”
I heard her getting out of the car and coming at me. She didn’t give me time to turn around before she had a hold of my uniform. “Don’t you dare walk away from me. I won’t let you say goodbye this time.”
Since I didn’t want to make a scene, I pulled her inside until we were standing in my office. From there I paced around the room, waiting for whatever else she thought she had to say to me.
Finally I sat down at my desk and watched her. She grabbed a few tissues and started wiping her face. “Please don’t do this. Don’t push me away.” She was sobbing so bad. “I can’t live without you. I don’t even want to.”
I leaned over my desk, making sure she was hearing me clearly. “Listen to yourself. You have a child. How can you say that without me you don’t want to live? Do you know what I would give to have a wife and a child? After everything I’ve seen, all I want is to care for the people I love.”
“You don’t understand.” She shook her head, seeming confused.
I stood, but didn’t leave from behind the desk. I was angry, so freaking angry. “Then tell me. Give me one reason why I shouldn’t watch you drive home to your family and never look back.”
“I can’t. You’ll never forgive me. I’ve ruined everything. I’m so sorry, Brooks. Please don’t say goodbye. Don’t give up on us.”
I had to put my head down. It was too much for me. “Kat, I can’t do this with you. I’m already going to hear shit for you coming here. This is a serious place and I have a damn job to do. This isn’t high school anymore. I can’t deal with the drama and I won’t be involved with a married woman. Please if you have nothing else to say then you have to go.”
“What about our love?” Her question struck a nerve, probably the last one I had.
“Our love has never been our problem.”
Just when I thought there was nothing left to say, Kat’s next words sent me to my knees.
“She’s yours, Brooks.”
“What?” Was this some joke? Was she willing to say anything to keep me from making her leave?
“My daughter. My husband isn’t the father, Brooks, you are.”
Chapter 28
No. This wasn’t possible. Her words echoed off the walls, causing me to hear them more than once. I couldn’t be the father. There was no way. Unable to accept her confession as the truth, I wanted more of an explanation. “Come again?”
Kat was bawling in her hands. I recognized this type of expression from her. It was genuine, but I wasn’t sure if it was because she was telling me a deep secret, or feeling horrible about it. “She’s yours.”
“Why would you say that to me? We spent one night together in a hotel room.” It made no sense. If she was anyone’s child it would have been my brother’s. For her to pin this on me made me want to send her out the door.
She cleaned her face with a tissue while answering me. “Because I hadn’t been with Branch since before I had my last cycle. My doctor, who gave me the exact date of conception, also verified it. She’s yours, Brooks.”
She dug into her purse, pulling out a phone. At first I wondered if she was breaking out a calendar to show me more proof, but what she showed instead said it all. “See for yourself.”
I jerked the phone from her grasp and began looking down at the photo. The resemblance was uncanny. This child was my blood. I couldn’t deny it. In that moment I knew she was telling me the truth. Had it been Branch’s child she would have gone home. She kept this a secret for one reason alone.
This child was mine.
“Her name is Brooklyn Michaela Valentine. I named her after you.”
I couldn’t handle what was happening inside of my body. Not only had this woman ripped out my heart, but she stuck it back in and squished it in the palm on her hand. She’d kept this from me. We’d been in contact for months and she’d never mentioned this child. I would have had more reason to stay positive. I would have done everything in my power to get to them sooner. This was unacceptable! I couldn’t deal with her sitting across from me. I’d never been so mad at someone in my whole life. She’d betrayed me in a way that I never thought possible. It was time for this meeting to end. “Kat, I think you need to leave. Please, just fucking go. Get out of here!” I was adamant and to the point. This conversation was done, and so were we.
“Don’t you want to hear about her?” I couldn’t believe she was asking that. Did she think I was kicking her out of my office because I couldn’t accept that I had a child? This woman was clearly insane.
I could feel the hot tears rushing down my face, but did nothing to wipe them away. She needed to see how much this was killing me. She needed to know that I would probably never be able to get past this. I wanted to hate her even though I knew it was never possible. “How could you keep this from me and our family? God, how could you do this to me? She’s got to be two by now. You’re telling me that I’ve had a child for two years and never known? You were pregnant for nine months and never thought to get in touch with me? I would have taken care of you. I would have wanted to know and you should be ashamed for not telling me.”
She fell to her knees in front of me, breaking down more. I watched as she covered her face in shame, but felt nothing to console her. She didn’t deserve it. This woman had single handedly ruined me to no end. She’d taken everything that I cherished and tossed it away like a dirty rag. I was done talking. The sooner she was gone the sooner I could figure out what would come next.
I threw her phone down in front of her. “Get out of my face before I say something I’ll regret.”
Kat ran out, saying nothing else. I was sure people in the building saw her, but I wasn’t about to walk out into the hallway and face them. I knew I had to keep my composure above all. I had to set an example. Trainees couldn’t see their superior weak.
For the next hour I sat at my desk crying like a baby. Nothing that entered my mind could alleviate the emptiness I felt in my heart. I thought about that little girl and all the memories that were stolen from me. I imagine her growing up not knowing me, and it was torturous. I couldn’t begin to understand how I was going to explain this to my parents. They deserved to know as much as I did.
I have no idea what fueled me to do it, but before I could rationalize with my decision I was driving to Kat’s house. Our conversation wasn’t done. There was so much more to figure out. If she thought I was going to step aside and not want to be a part of my child’s life she was wrong.
The fact that I’d sent her away only left me with more questions than I had answers to. From this moment on I was going to be a part of that child’s life.
When I pulled into the driveway I recognized that Kat’s husband was pulling in behind me. As angry as I was, it didn’t even occur to me that he might not have known we’d been in contact. It didn’t take a genius to see the pain in his own eyes when we came face to face.
Without a single thought I held out my hand as he walked over to my truck. “Hi, my name is Brooks, Brooks Valentine.”
He gave me a once-over before extending his hand and shaking mine. “I had a feeling this was going to happen.”
“Sorry to just show up. To be honest with you, I don’t even know what made me come. I… I saw Kat a little while ago.”
Before I could fully explain he answere
d for me. “I guess she told you everything, otherwise I don’t see why you’d be here, knocking on our door. So what’s next? You’re here, but why? Are you going to take them away from me?”
I couldn’t understand why he was asking me that. Had Kat told him that she’d leave him now that she knew I was alive? “I’m not here for that.”
“Yeah, maybe not yet,” he replied.
Once inside of the house it was apparent he was freaking out. I could tell he was upset, but wasn’t sure if it was with me or Kat. “She didn’t tell me to come.”
“I get it, man. If it were my kid I’d do the same thing. That little girl is pretty special. I’ve done my best for the both of them.”
“I appreciate that, but I’m not here to cause trouble.” I started to give him reassurance, but we both noticed a car pulling into the driveway. My stomach knotted up when I heard footsteps coming up the porch stairs. Her husband pointed to the kitchen chair. “Have a seat. I’m sure you’re going to need to.”
I sat down and watched him doing the same across from me. It was quite obvious this man was not okay with my visit though I didn’t care. I’d been kept away from my child for two years. I’d missed out on every first. I deserved to know her, and I wasn’t leaving until I did.
While I watched the child standing right in front of me, staring at me with my same eyes, I heard Kat’s husband speaking.
“Brooks was here when I pulled up. He told me about your visit today and I thought it seemed right that we all get everything out in the open.”
God it was so difficult to contain my emotions. She was beautiful, perfect, and from that instant I knew she was mine. Her smile was the prettiest thing I’d ever seen in my life. I was captivated by her, unable to look away. “Is it okay if I say hello?”
“She’s your daughter, too.”
I got down on my knees in front of her, trying my best not to cry and freak her out. Just before I said hello, I watched Kat’s husband fly out of the room. This was too much for him to handle. I didn’t want to be in his shoes. I couldn’t even begin to understand what this must be like for him. He loved this little girl, and I was a threat.
“Hi, pretty girl,” I said with a shaky voice.
It took her a few seconds to decide if she could trust me. Then she reached her hand up an touched my face. I felt her palm rubbing over my cheek; her soft skin coming in contact with mine for the first time.
It was all too much to take. This was my baby. This little stranger was my flesh and blood. How could Kat keep her from me? I began to break down in front of the both of them. It was all too much for me to grasp.
I pulled the little girl into my arms and held her there close to me, smelling her hair and memorizing it in my mind. She wasn’t only perfect, but in a matter of seconds I’d experienced a kind of love that was new and unconditional. Our immediate connection left me speechless. I wasn’t just hurt, I was also overwhelmed with happiness. Never again would I be alone. This child was a part of me, and I would never deny that. From this moment on, I was always going to be there for her, no matter what I had to do to make it happen.
At some point Kat got down on her knees and touched my back, but I refused to give her my attention. She’d taken too much. “I know you’ll never forgive me, Brooks. I never meant to hurt you, I swear.” I could hear her crying. I wanted to care, but my grudge wouldn’t allow it.
When I finally gained enough courage to face her I held my little girl close to my chest. “How could you keep her from me? Why, Kat?”
It was excruciating. My throat burned as I continued to weep. I knew the child was probably freaking out, but I refused to let her down. I was afraid if I let her go, she’d run away.
Kat left the room. I looked up to watch her disappearing. I then heard a door shutting and knew she was probably addressing her husband. For the life of me I couldn’t even imagine how this was going to play out. Kat had a lot to explain, and it wasn’t going to be easy. She’d made a mess of things. I could hear them arguing in the other room. It was obvious that he hadn’t been told she was coming to see me. Kat was pleading, which only made me feel like she loved him. I was interfering in what her husband thought was their perfect family.
I let the child slide out of my arms and rubbed her face. “Don’t worry little one,” I whispered. “Nothing is going to keep us apart again. I promise you. I just want a chance to be your daddy.” More tears trickled from my eyes. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Brooklyn Valentine.”
Saying her name was so surreal. It was as if I was dreaming. Nothing could have felt better than knowing she was my child. Although it had started out terrible, this day was the best of my life. I had a daughter, and already she’d brought joy to my life. I’d either died and gone to heaven, or had been given another chance at a happy life. Either way, I would put everything I had into giving this little girl everything her heart desired. I’d be the best daddy, and she’d never know what pain felt like, because I’d spend every waking minute keeping her safe.
Chapter 29
It was obvious that Kat and her husband were having it out. He kept raising his voice, making me want to keep Brooklyn occupied so she wouldn’t get upset. We fetched some of her toys and began playing together on the floor. I still couldn’t get over how easy it was being around her. Nothing about this made me feel uncomfortable. She was a gift from heaven. Her bright blue eyes were exactly like mine, and when she smiled I saw myself through them. She didn’t know who I was. The child was too young to understand something as complex as that.
Time slipped by so quickly. Before I knew it two hours had gone by. Kat and her husband had taken their conversation outside, leaving me alone with Brooklyn. She didn’t seem to notice they weren’t around. I kept playing with her, making her smile and giggle. She liked me, which only caused me to fall in love with her more. She showed me more toys, and even her room, before leading me back into the kitchen to play with her dolls again.
I heard Kat come back inside the house. She was sniffling, letting me know she’d been upset. I still wasn’t going to feel sorry for her, not after everything. I needed to be mad.
What she couldn’t understand was that I knew I wouldn’t hate her forever. It was stupid to try to convince myself of that. Kat was my soul mate. Even in the worst of times, my heart belonged to her. Yes, she’d hurt me. In this moment I was inconceivably grasping for ways to remain calm. This situation wasn’t easy, not for any of us. Our lives were all about to change. From now on I was going to be a part of my child’s life. She had to have known that when she told me about her. Maybe it hadn’t gone as she’d planned, but I now knew the truth, and nothing was going to keep me from pursuing it.
I could tell the child was getting tired. She put her head down on the kitchen floor and pretended to pat her baby to sleep. Since I knew nothing about children, I picked her up and carried her into the living room. She clung to me as I sat down in a chair and began rocking her. I patted her back the way she was doing to her baby. Her little eyes became heavy, and I knew in a matter of seconds she’d be asleep.
While I sat there kissing her on the top of the head, trying so hard to come to grips with everything, I saw Kat watching me. I wasn’t facing her, but could see her reflection in the window across from me. She was crying while witnessing me interacting with our child. The moment was bittersweet, also something she needed to see. I wanted her to know what she’d kept from me, and how hurt I was because of it.
When Brooklyn fell asleep, I found Kat in the kitchen sitting at the table. She was still crying quietly. I did feel bad for intruding. Maybe if I had waited she wouldn’t have been fighting with her husband. “I’m sorry if I caused you problems, Kat. When you pulled away earlier, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I had to see her, and I wasn’t even thinking that I would be walking into what I did. He didn’t even know I was alive. My God, he looked like he was staring at a damn ghost.”
She stared
at her hands as she replied. “I’m not mad at you for coming. I don’t even think Bobby’s mad. He’s just scared.”
I crossed my arms. “Scared of what?”
“He’s scared of losing B. He was there for me when I found out I was pregnant. He married me so that I could be on his insurance. I suppose he’s been in love with me since then, but it wasn’t until recently that we really started living as a married couple. Now, out of nowhere, you’re in the picture and no matter how he plays this out in his head he loses.”
“Why would he think that? I told him that all I wanted was to have a relationship with my daughter. I stressed to him that I meant your marriage no harm. My word is the truth, Kat.” It appalled me that this guy thought I’d swoop in and steal her away. Yeah, I was still in love with her, but I knew being with her was out of the question.
She wiped her face and sniffled more. I couldn’t look into her eyes and not feel bad for her. After she’d told me that her husband married her to take care of her and our daughter, I had a new respect for him. It takes a lot for a man to step up like that. “I know, but he doesn’t know you like I do.”
“Look, I’m not here to discuss your marriage. I’m here because I have a right to see my child whenever I want. I have a right to introduce her to my family.” I pointed at her, determined to get my point across. “Let me get something clear with you right now. You will not keep me from her ever again. Do you understand me?”
She nodded.
“I can’t believe you did this to me. My God, why? Why would you write me those letters, professing your undying love and devotion to me, when all the while you’re hiding my child from me? How could you ever think that I would be alright with that?”
Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Page 18
