This conversation was getting deep. I was imagining it going to other places, but kept telling myself that it was way too soon to assume she’d even be okay with it.
“I suppose this all could have been avoided if we knew how to communicate with each other.” She didn’t know how right she was. Not a day went by where I didn’t regret my decisions.
I laughed at my stupidity. “Yeah. Probably.”
I took her hand and kissed it, gently, becoming overwhelmed by the simplest touch. Immediately she responded to it. “Brooks, what do you want to happen now? I mean, once I figure out how to get a separation and file for divorce, which I am sure I’m doing, what do you want to happen? Can we be best friends again after all this time?” There it was. She’d used the friend word. I couldn’t take it. I’d waited far too long to have all of her, and it was time she knew exactly where I stood.
I got closer, placing my arm to be around her shoulder. Our eyes were fixed on each other. “Kat, I can’t be your friend. I’m sorry, but I can’t be that person anymore.” She burst into tears. I took her chin and lifted it so she’d look at me again. “What are you crying for?”
“I don’t know. I guess I keep feeling like even after everything we’ve been through, we could run off and live happily ever after. It’s stupid, I know. I thought that after the past few days we’d never want to let each other go again.”
It was hard to hide the smile forming on my face because it was huge. “I don’t want to be your friend because I need more than that. Open your eyes woman. I want to be your everything. I always have.”
Kat’s arms came around my back while her head plopped down on my chest. “Why didn’t you just say that? I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.”
“Jesus. I’m alone in a hotel with you and our daughter. Can you name one other place in the world I’d rather be?” I kissed her head and kept my face there. “I’ll wait as long as it takes to get things sorted out with Bobby. As of right now, whose name is on the birth certificate as B’s father?”
“You.”
That was beyond shocking, yet another reason why the guy was freaking out. All along he’d known there was nothing stopping me from being a part of my child’s life. “That’s good to know.”
“I told you that I never kept it a secret from anyone here.”
Just then B woke up, looking around the room as if she was scared. “Mama.”
I watched Kat hold her arms out. Our daughter made her way over and climbed on top of her. We were all three so close together. In spite of the situation, I was in heaven. This was what I’d survived to see. This was what I fought so hard to come home to.
“B do you know who this is?” Kat asked.
She nodded.
“Do you know his name?”
“Books.”
We both laughed. “Sweetie, Brooks is your daddy.”
B was confused. Her face curled up like she was about to cry. It broke my heart. “No. He not.”
I wouldn’t let this break me. I had her whole life to convince her of who I was. “Come here, kiddo. Let me show you something.”
I carried her into the bathroom and stood her up on the vanity. First I pointed to Kat in the mirror, then myself, and finally her. “Mommy, Daddy, and B.”
She laughed at us, pointed to herself, and said “B”, then to Kat. “Mama.” When she looked over at me it was obvious she was trying to figure it all out. Then she poked me in the eye while looking back in the mirror at herself. “Mine.”
I couldn’t believe she recognized me as having the same color eyes as her. I guess she’d known that neither Kat nor Bobby resembled her the way I did. I tried hard to not get choked up. After all, she was only a toddler. By morning she’d forget that we had the same colored eyes. “You’re mine, little bug. I’m your daddy.”
“Daddy?” B was obviously wondering what was going on. I wasn’t even sure she knew what a daddy was.
I did my best to smile and look at Kat. “It’s going to take her a while to get used to it.”
“She needs to know the truth though.” Her words were like music for my soul. This was so real. I still couldn’t grasp it all.
B rested her head against my chest. I felt like she was giving me reassurance even though I knew she didn’t understand. “How about we take it day by day and let B figure it out herself? I’m not going anywhere, Kat. We’re going to raise her together whether you want to stay friends or get married. It’s up to you.”
Kat wrapped her arms around the both of us. “I don’t deserve this,” she whispered.
“You’re getting it anyway, so shut up and be happy. You’re going to have a lot of bad days coming your way. No matter what, I’ll be there.” It was a promise I intended to keep.
As the hours passed I enjoyed spending alone time with both of my girls, but mostly B. I got her set up on my iPad so she could enjoy her favorite shows without commercials. We laid there together like lifelong friends while Kat sat watching. Every once in a while I’d look over and see her smiling as if we were captivating.
After we ordered room service Kat’s phone began ringing. My stomach knotted up because I had a good feeling I knew who was going to be on the other end of the call. “Just answer it, Kat. He can’t hurt you.”
Kat rolled her eyes before putting it on speaker. “Hello?”
“Really, Katy? This is how you’re going to fuckin’ be? I’m tellin’ you right now, you better be home when I get there.”
She closed her eyes while responding to his madness. “It’s my house and you’re not welcome there anymore. I want you out, Bobby. I’ve taken pictures of what you did to me this time, and I even had to get a stitch in my head. I’m done with you hurting me for things I didn’t do.”
“Don’t even go there. You’re with him right now, aren’t ya?”
“That’s none of your business. I want a divorce, and I’m not changing my mind. I never should have given you a second chance. I should have known you wouldn’t change.”
“Bitch, I ain’t givin’ you a divorce, and I sure as hell ain’t lettin’ you take that little girl from me.”
“You don’t have a choice, Bobby. She’s not yours. If I want to keep her from you I can, and you know it’s true. She’s got her daddy’s name on that birth certificate. Now, if I were you, I’d think long and hard about what you say to me from here on out. I’d like to eventually be able to come to a visitation agreement with you, provided that you go back to anger management and get help. If you try to harm me, in any way, my offer is off the table. I’ll make sure you never see her again.”
“This ain’t over!” The click let us know he’s hung up. I didn’t want to mention that he wasn’t going to have visitation, not anymore. Kat needed to calm down before we got into that discussion.
When it looked like she was about to puke I took both of her hands into mine. “Come here.” I pulled her into a hug. “You’re safe, Kat. I’ve got you.”
She put her arms behind my back and clung to me for support. “Please don’t ever let go.”
It was obvious the call had her shaken up. All I was able to do was be there when she needed me. I’d do whatever she needed, because whether she wanted it or not, I was in this with her. Nothing would tear us apart.
While Kat sat back down, I started reading a book to B. I didn’t want her seeing her mother so freaked out. It was probably silly, but I’d change my voice to sound like different characters. My daughter giggled each time, making me happy to continue. “Again,” she requested.
I reached over with one arm, keeping a tight hold on Kat, while I read the story over and over to B. I was getting so used to calling her that. I liked it, but not as much as being able to bond with her this way, while keeping Kat from losing her shit.
After nearly reading the book until my eyes burned, I stood to stretch. B began jumping on the bed, almost falling off several times. “Don’t do that. You’re going to hurt yourself, bug. How
about we go for a ride and let Mama get some rest?”
She shook her head. “Bye byes.”
I got her seated in a chair with wheels, kissed Kat on the head, and pushed B out of the door. Right before it closed I gave Kat strict orders. “Take a nap. I’m going to tire her out and hit the snack machine. I’ll bring you up a soda.”
I honestly didn’t know if she’d listen to me, but it was obvious she was exhausted. While we rode the elevator and explored the hotel, I worried about Kat. I wondered if she was rethinking her decision to leave Bobby. I thought about how indecisive she’d always been in the past. As much as it would hurt me, I knew I had to prepare for the worst, just in case it became my reality. I wanted to believe that all this time she was mine to keep, but it hadn’t even been twenty-four hours.
What Kat needed to understand was that I wasn’t going to give up this time. Nope, I planned on sticking around, being the best father my child could have.
B pointed to the vending machine. “Candy!” She knew how to say that word clearly.
“Daddy’s going to get you whatever you want.” I hadn’t realized I called myself that until she turned around and looked at me. She said nothing while staring into my eyes. I wondered if I should address it or leave it be. Finally after a few seconds I pointed to the machine. “Okay, tell me what you want.”
She pointed to at least five things. I kept shoving dollars in, hoping I pushed the right buttons. It wasn’t like she understood the word patience.
By the time I was done I had almost one of everything in the machine. “You’re mother is going to kill me for buying all this junk, kiddo.”
She clapped her hands as if she was amused by my statement. I got a kick out of being with her. It was so funny because I’d never let myself think that I could have a child. It had been some distant fantasy. Now that she was in my life, I couldn’t imagine a different path, and I didn’t want one either.
Chapter 35
“Hey Mama. We’re back,” I announced as we came back into the room with all sorts of goodies.
Kat sat up in the bed and smiled though I could tell she’d been crying again. “I see that. Did you get everything they had?”
“We didn’t know which one you’d want.” I scattered all the items on the bed in front of her, watching B’s excited to the vast selection.
Kat covered her mouth, giggling. “We’ll never be able to eat all of this, and she’ll never go to sleep.”
I tickled B until she screamed and then gave her a second to calm down. “Again,” she requested. I repeated the process, loving the way it sounded to hear her laughing and happy.
Kat opened the package of peanut butter cups and took a bite. “This is so good.”
“Two matching cups, but you only get one.” I opened my mouth so she could feed me while I was preoccupied. What I said to her had meaning. A long time ago, back in high school, I’d written her a little note to go with her candy. I wondered if she’d remember, but from the look on her face I could tell she had.
“What’s wrong?”
“Do you remember when we were in school and you left the peanut butter cups for me?” Obviously! That’s why I made the comment. Was she seriously just figuring this all out?
“One cup,” I corrected.
“Was that note some cryptic way of you telling me to choose you?”
DUH!
“Maybe,” I answered while still giving B all my attention.
She shoved me. “Why couldn’t you just say it to me, instead of leaving me messages that made no sense?”
I had to laugh. She should have been able to figure me out back then. It would have saved us all this grief. “Because I wanted you to choose on your own, not because I persuaded it. Little hints along the way couldn’t hurt. Not that it ever helped anyway. You were too damn stubborn to think that what you were doing was wrong, or who I should say?”
“Brooks! Cut it out.”
Kat got up and walked to the bathroom. I liked seeing her wearing my shirt. It was another reminder that she was so close to being all mine, finally after so long.
I heard her talking to herself when I stood up to check on her. “Jesus woman, you’re lucky he doesn’t go running the other direction.” Outside of the room I began laughing. She obviously didn’t realize how thin the walls were.
I didn’t hear her approaching and was shocked when she opened the door to find me standing there spying. “I think you’re beautiful.”
Her shocked face let me know that she had no clue I was listening. “I think all that sugar is going to your head.”
I allowed her to walk by me without another snarky comment, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t thinking of one.
Kat covered B up, who seemed to be calm even though she’d eaten some chips. “Love you, B,” she whispered as she kissed her.
I made my way to the opposite bed. Watching them together was so comforting. They weren’t the only ones who needed to feel protected. Being with them allowed me to know what it felt like to be fulfilled. I didn’t care where we lived, or what we did to make money, as long as we were together.
Since I recognized it as being time to go to bed, I removed my shirt and got under the covers. It was obvious Kat was going to sleep with B, and as jealous as it made me, I felt content knowing they were an arm’s length away.
When she stood up and gave me a weird look I couldn’t figure her out. “What’s wrong?”
She looked down at my shirt she was wearing and then back to me. “Shut up.”
She was nervous. I didn’t know why. “Kat, get comfortable and get in bed. I’m not going to make fun of you if that’s what you think.” She was crazy. Maybe her awful husband made her feel ugly. I hated him more for damaging my perfect girl.
She got all defensive. “It’s not that.”
She shimmied off her shorts and then took her bra off without lifting the t-shirt. It was so weird. I didn’t get why she was hiding what I’d obviously seen before. I mean, the child in the bed next to her was proof of that. It had been a while since I’d seen her naked, but a body like hers wasn’t easily forgotten. “Since when did you get shy?”
“Would you stop?” I liked getting under her skin, especially when it was over something so silly. She was so cute, yet vulnerable at the same time. It made me continue to smile even though it was clearly supposed to be a serious moment.
Even after she climbed into the other bed I continued laughing at her. She tossed a pillow at me as if it was going to get me to stop.
“Sorry, I saw this going a little differently,” I joked.
“I’m not sleeping with you, Brooks. I just left my husband.” She was so serious about it. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was only teasing.
She would assume that from me. I guess in some ways, she should have. It was taking everything in me to not invite her into my arms. “I never asked you, did I?”
“Whatever.” She started to turn to face the opposite direction, like I annoyed her. I kept staring, waiting for her to make another smart remark. After a few seconds I realized she had no plans to face me again.
“Look at me, woman.”
Her dirty look only made me want to tease her more. It was obvious I’d gotten under her skin. “What?”
I brought my feet up and sat on the edge of my bed facing her. Thinking nothing of it, Kat froze, staring at my naked chest. At first I thought she’d just realized I taken off my shirt. Then it hit me. I’d had it for so long that it was just a part of me.
I looked down at my tattoo and touched it. The K was obviously for Kat, and I’d had it placed there for a reason. “Oh, this. I should probably explain. I guess I got it so long ago that I forgot you’ve never seen it.”
“When? Is that… Did you…” She couldn’t get her words out. Her eyes were stuck on that one area.
I sighed before replying. “Kat, my heart belongs to you. It’s not a secret. I got this done when I first went to Afghanistan. We’
d just shared that night in the hotel room, and even though you’d left me I still loved you the same. I guess some people would call me stupid, but I just knew you were the one. I was going to put it over my heart. Instead, I put it here,” I pointed to the area, “Because the moment you walked out of my life I felt like I couldn’t breathe.”
Her hand came up and covered her face as she sat there in shock. “I don’t know what to say.”
I looked down at the tattoo, and then over toward our daughter. “Now, looking at what we made that night melts my heart even more.”
Kat had to peer away. She now knew that I’d carried so much of her with me every day. “Brooks.” Her whisper was so slow, like she was falling out of consciousness.
“Come here,” I ordered.
She shook her head, refusing me. “I can’t.” I respected her decision, but refused to let it be her final answer.
I reached over and placed my hand gently on her leg. “Close your eyes.”
Once I got her to stand, I pulled her over to my bed. She halted me, opening her eyes to see how close we were. “I can’t do this, Brooks. It’s wrong.”
I grabbed the edge of my t-shirt and pulled her in the rest of the way until our lips were touching. “I’m not stealing from him when you were never his to begin with. You didn’t belong to Branch and you sure as hell don’t belong to Bobby. A piece of paper isn’t love. Close your eyes and tell me you don’t feel it again? Tell me that you haven’t thought of that night we spent together every single day since it happened? If you don’t want this, then back up and go to sleep.”
Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Page 22
