I didn’t move my mouth from grazing over hers. I could feel her body shaking. It was just as intense for me. I’d kept this all bottled up, and now, being in this room with her, I couldn’t keep from touching her. She couldn’t imagine what it was like for me to sleep in a tiny bed for two years, wishing I was wherever she was, holding her all through the night. Dreams of her is what kept me going. I’d thought about this moment so many times. I couldn’t wait any longer. My patience was running thin. She needed to be in my bed.
“I’m scared,” she whispered.
I stood up, staring down at her while I tugged my own t-shirt over her head. She kept her eyes fixed on mine while I backed us up onto my bed.
There was only a pair of underwear keeping her from being completely naked. I didn’t look down because honestly I didn’t need to. I’d memorized every inch of her years ago. Kissing her would have been easy, though I didn’t allow it to happen, not yet. I took my time, leading her under the covers with me, pulling her against my chest. She was still trembling, reminding how fragile this moment was between us. Years of pent up emotions were brewing between us. Words weren’t needed because we both knew what the other was feeling.
I held her tight in my arms, silently promising myself that I’d never let her slip away again. I wanted to keep her safe, to protect her from the ugliness and give her a reason to smile again, each and every day for the rest of our lives. Just like when we were kids, I held her close, giving her the comfort she needed to get by another day.
While she lightly stroked my chest, I pressed my lips against her head. “Don’t be scared, Kat. If you fall, I’ll catch you. I always have and I always will. Except, this time I’m never going to let you go.”
I could see where this was leading. It didn’t take a fool to figure it out. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to stop her if she initiated it. All it would take was a kiss, and I’d be giving her all of me. I tried to stay calm under the covers with her so close. It was impossible, and she knew it too. This wasn’t a game we were playing. In my heart she was mine. I really didn’t care about a piece of paper. She should have known that. For Christ sakes, I slept with her the night before she was supposed to marry my brother. There was obviously no limits when it came to being with her.
I just hoped that when it did happen, she stuck around, because nothing could hurt more than losing both of them. I wanted to believe that this was our forever, but I was still petrified it wouldn’t be.
Chapter 36
For a while Kat laid against my chest, playing with my dog-tags. She kept tracing my name, saying nothing in the quiet of the room. I rubbed her back, offering her time to think about everything going on in her life. I wondered what she was thinking about. I considered asking her, but knew when she was ready she’d talk about it.
There was a lot of things that hadn’t been addressed. At some point she was going to want to know about every detail of my life when we were apart. I wondered if I should tell her about Mullins, Anderson, and even Spence. They’d been my friends when I felt the most alone.
It wasn’t like I didn’t want to know about Kat’s life. I knew she had friends that I hadn’t met. She talked highly of them in some of her letters. She was a member of a church and even volunteered as the Sunday school teacher.
We’d both grown and experienced things that made us who we were. At some point we’d have to tell each other everything. For now I was more worried about getting through one day at a time. Bobby would be out of jail by morning, and with that I knew I’d have to figure out where they’d be safe from him.
Kat was probably going to want to take matters into her own hands, but this time she wasn’t going to have a choice. My mind was made up. I loved her, and I was going to make sure she knew the depths of it while I did everything in my power to keep her protected.
I knew my coming back into her life was a huge game-changer. It wasn’t only an adjustment for me. Every aspect of her life was about to change. My prayers had been answered even if it wasn’t how I expected them to be. I’d never wish for her to be abused by her husband. I didn’t even ask God to help me break them up. I’d only prayed that one day I’d be able to hold her again. It was never about the sex with Kat. I felt my happiness when she was in my arms.
While the tension in the room increased, I was left to control the growing urgency between my legs. Time had made it impossible to control. I needed her, so much that I was afraid to ask, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it if she rejected me.
I’d wanted her for so long. Now we were here, in a hotel room, with our daughter sleeping on the bed beside us. I’d lived every moment for this, and even though I was desperately trying to hold onto some composure, every single inch she moved made it unbearable. That’s why when she looked up into my eyes I had to lick my lips. I didn’t mean it in a sexual way, but looking at her mouth and remembering what it felt like to kiss her left me needing what I knew I shouldn’t ask for, at least not yet.
All of a sudden everything around us disappeared. I stared deeply into her eyes, feeling the power of our connection leading us without effort.
“I love you.” The words were so softly spoken when they came from her mouth. They were still so powerful; enough to break me.
I adjusted myself on the bed to be able to place my hands on either side of her face. I needed her to show me how much because dammit I’d waited forever for it. “You were worth the wait.” Nothing could have prepared me for what it would feel like to kiss her for the first time after so long. I’d been staring at her lips for days, patiently waiting to have the chance to taste them again.
Our kiss, so powerful, paved the path for what was to come, both of us knowing there was no turning back. Kat and I both knew where we were headed. I didn’t have the power to stop her, not when her touch was like an electric jolt to my heart.
In that moment she wasn’t married, and we hadn’t spent the past two years apart. We were lost in each other, right back to where we left off in that hotel room where we made B.
While our tongues mingled so perfectly together, I felt her hands coursing over my skin, pulling me closer. Her hunger for me was ravenous, and I wasted no time reassuring her of any doubts she might be experiencing. My hand slipped down between her legs, feeling the fabric of the other thing standing from me being able to feel her warm pussy in my hand.
I kept rubbing her, appreciating the fact that she was rocking her body at the same time. I took ahold of her ass, pulling her on top of me. The blanket and sheet slipped down, revealing her naked breasts for me to see. She wasn’t being shy anymore. No, Kat was ready to bare it all. I could see it in her eyes and feel it in the way she was rocking those hips.
She leaned forward, bringing her lips to mine again, letting me suck on them before tracing my tongue over hers. She teased me with that tongue, licking mine and then pulling away. I pulled her closer, kissing her deeply. My intentions were obvious.
When Kat pulled away to catch her breath, I gave her a second to reconsider. It was going to be impossible for me to stop if this continued. I ran my hand up her hips, tracing her skin when I reached one of her breasts. Kat’s eyes closed as she leaned back, preparing for me to kiss her there.
Out of the corner of my eye I spotted something that caused me to freeze in place. “Uh-oh.”
My little girl was sitting up in the bed next to us, looking sad. Kat covered her exposed body up and held her arms out for her to join us. At first I tried to readjust myself, considering I was in a stiff predicament under the sheets. She headed to her mother in the beginning. Then, just as I realized I’d settled down, she climbed over and rested her body on my chest, placing her head down against my skin. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the top of her head. Never in my life had I ever felt so needed. It was the most picture-perfect moment.
I couldn’t control what happened next, even if I tried to be big, bad, and strong. I was falling apart, but not from being sad. I
found meaning to life. I found my purpose. In all the times that I wanted to end my life, in all the moments that I was ready to give up on myself, I was so grateful that hadn’t happened. I had more to live for than I ever could have imagined. My broken heart was finally beating again. I was healing, holding on to hope, finally, after so long of fighting for a reason.
This little girl was saving my life even if she’d never be able to understand how. She was my reason for existing. She was my everything. My heart didn’t just belong to Kat anymore. She was going to have to share it with our daughter.
Burning hot tears fell from my eyes. I couldn’t keep it all bottled up any longer. I was loved. My daughter was going to love me forever. It was all too much to accept without being emotional.
I held her tighter when Kat saw what was happening. I couldn’t let her go, not when she was so comfortable being there. Kat rested her head next to me and cried too. I suppose someone watching would have thought we were being silly. To us, it was probably one of the most precious memories we’d shared. This trumped being naked in bed next to Kat. It was euphoria in the purest form.
Kat eventually reached her arm over and held both of us. We were a family, and I couldn’t help wonder if she’d done this with Bobby. I’d missed out on so many things. I think a part of me will always ache thinking about it. It hurt knowing I’d never see her taking her first steps, or saying her first word. I would never be able to bond with her as an infant, or see the first time she showed her dimples to the world. I’d been robbed of it all.
It wasn’t Kat’s fault. Even if I knew, I was on the other side of the world. It wasn’t like the military let us come and go as we pleased. I wouldn’t have been able to watch her grow through a satellite connection. I certainly wouldn’t have been able to keep my focus out on missions when I was worried about them at home.
Like it or not, she’d done the right thing; at least what she thought was right at the time.
Our opposite hands laced together as we continued laying there. I slid closer and wrapped an arm around the both of them. “This feels so right,” I whispered while noticing she was dozing off. “I never thought I’d have this.”
She squeezed my hand. “Me either.”
For a while I watched my girls sleeping. I was afraid to close my eyes because I kept thinking when I woke up they’d be gone. I held onto B tightly, holding her close to my heart. I listened to her breathing while silently thanking God for her.
I thought about our future, and where we’d be in a few years. I pictured coming home from work and seeing them waiting for me. I thought about holidays, where my parents would come to visit. It was all so reachable. Sure, we had hurdles to get over, but we were a team now.
No, we were a family.
I knew it was too soon to discuss, but my parents were scheduled to come visit. They were about to meet our little surprise. At first they’d be shocked, but there wasn’t a worry about her being accepted. They’d fall in love, just as fast as I had. There was nothing they couldn’t love about her. She was absolutely darling.
I kept kissing her, looking over and seeing Kat fast asleep next to us. More tears came and went. It seemed like just when I thought I couldn’t be happier something else made me weak again. I wasn’t worried about Kat seeing me this way. I didn’t have to hold back when it came to her. She knew me, sometimes better than I knew myself. I wanted to share this with her, just like I wanted her to be able to do the same with me.
While I laid there still choked up with emotion, I felt myself falling asleep. Since I knew I had to work I didn’t fight it. This was the most comfortable I’d been in years. It was obvious that sleep time was going to prove to be my favorite from this night on.
Chapter 37
I don’t know how long I was asleep before a little body was spinning around in the bed, kicking her feet until she found comfort again. I tried to remain still to prevent her from waking. Kat needed her sleep, probably more than I did.
While awake, I thought about being at work and having them here in the hotel. I wondered if there was a way I could get off work early. My superior officer was a nice guy. He had a family of his own. I was sure if I explained everything to him he’d give me extra time to be with them. At this point, I knew I had to make some serious decisions. My injury to my hand was going to help with that. There was a good chance I wasn’t going to be cleared for duty. I could still teach, if that’s what I wanted to do. If someone would have asked me a week ago, I would have said that life was good. Now everything had changed. I wanted out of the military, because it meant that I was free to have a life with Kat, without being married to my career.
My decisions were going to have to be rushed because time was of the essence. My girls needed stability, and I’d figure out a way to make it happen, even if I had to send them back home to D.C. to make sure they got it.
B was restless again, kicking around on the bed. When she readjusted I watched Kat open her eyes. She noticed that I was awake almost immediately. Her smile was contagious, while her intentions tempted me, causing me to react immediately, once I’d caught on to what she was insinuating. Where her body had been, sat a pillow. I watched her, still topless, walk over to the other bed and climb on top.
With little effort I slid off the mattress and tucked the covers so B couldn’t wiggle around. By the time I made it to Kat she’d already scooted over to give me room. I pulled her back to rest on my chest, instantly getting sweaty as I did it.
I brought my chin down and kissed her shoulder. Just as I suspected that she was only going back to sleep, she moved enough to get me curious. I whispered sweet words in her ear. “I love you so much, Kat.”
After my comment, it was quite obvious that we weren’t going back to sleep, not yet at least. Kat wasn’t asking me to stop either. I could tell we were on the same page. It was as if we were picking up exactly where we left off before B woke. This time I was prepared. I longed to be with her this way, because let’s face it, I’d waited entirely too many years to feel her body again.
My hands traveled up her abdomen until they were right under her nipples. I peered down over her shoulder and saw them exposed, beckoning to be touched. As I became aware of what was growing between my legs, Kat shimmied her body back, making it known that she was fully aware.
She turned her body around, staring me right in the eyes. I leaned closer, pressing my lips against hers. As she pulled away she spoke softly, asking me for something I’d never been able to refuse her. “Make love to me, Brooks.”
I had to be sure. “You said we couldn’t.”
Damn if she didn’t lean forward and tease my lips with her tongue. “Don’t you want me?” She whispered.
“Don’t be stupid, Kat. You don’t know how hard it is for me to hold back from what I really want. I just can’t have you walking out on me like before. There’s too much at stake here. If waiting will help you stick to your decision, it’s worth it to me.” In my defense I was saying what I figured to be the right thing. There was nothing I wanted more than to make love to her.
When she answered I knew she meant it. Her eyes never left mine, and I could have sworn that she was almost smiling. “All I want is us, forever. I won’t be changing my mind or abandoning you. If you think we should wait, I’ll respect your decision, but we’re here, naked in this room. You love me and I love you. I’ve made a ton of mistakes, but there’s one thing that I’ve done right in my life, and that’s loving you. Brooks, look at me and tell me that you think I’m going to let you go again. Look over at that little girl who loves you after knowing you for only a few days and tell me that I’d be so heartless as to take her away from you.”
I couldn’t do that. I knew she wouldn’t hurt me in that way, not ever again.
“Point taken. You can’t blame me for being scared, Kat. I’ve lost you so many times, and I know that if it happened again, this time it would end me. I couldn’t live with knowing that you and B were out the
re and I couldn’t be with you. That’s why I want everything to be right this time.”
I pulled her closer, making sure we were skin to skin as we discussed this. I wanted to remind her what was waiting just below the blankets.
Kat seemed even more determined to convince me that this was real.
“I’ll wait for you, Brooks, just like you waited for me.”
I was her puppet, just waiting to be controlled. She could do whatever she wanted to me as long as she didn’t leave this bed. “Yeah, I’m not real sure waiting is the best decision.” I rubbed my erection against her smooth thigh. “I figure I’ve got two choices. I can go in the bathroom and take care of this myself, like I’ve gotten pretty used to doing, or I can be with the woman that I’ve waited almost three years to be with again.”
“Seems like a really hard decision.” The way she said it made me chuckle.
There was no doubt in my mind that we were about to get it on. I was all giddy just imagining where to touch first. “Yeah.” I ran her hand over my crotch. “What do you think?”
When I let go of her hand, she didn’t stop touching me. In fact, she dug down inside of the elastic band of my boxers and ran her fingers over my hardness. “I think that if you don’t make love to me, I’m going to have to beg.” She was massaging me, watching my eyes close. “Do you think about that night as much as I do? I want to feel it again; that connection that took us to places neither of us knew existed.”
If she kept talking I was going to explode. I didn’t need to think about that night because we had new memories to make. We belonged together, and I was going to remind her of it, once again in a hotel room.
We kissed again, this time letting our lips and tongue tantalize one another. The more we did it, the harder it was to stop. I was so hungry for her kiss that I reached to make it happen. “If I told you how much I’ve thought about you, I may scare you away. It’s borderline stalking.”
Love Survives (Love Suicide #2) Page 23
