Let Me In

by Alison Keane

  Nathan’s face falls. “What is it?”

  I sigh. “I’m sorry. I’m not very good company right now.”

  “That’s no surprise.” He puts his drink down on the table. “Who was the guy? What are you involved in, Ellie?”

  The hairs on my arms stand on end even though it’s roasting in here. “I don’t know.”

  “Was it random?”

  I shake my head. “No, that’s not what I meant.” I take another sip of my whisky. I’d much rather get lost in it than recount what’s been happening in my life. But what choice do I have? “I used to go out with a lad called Mikey. He’s from around here.” I sigh. How do you begin to condense something like this down to a few sentences in a pub? “It was good until it turned bad. His team didn’t like the fact that I was with him.” I flush. The catalyst was that night I got drunk at a team event, but I still think they overreacted. “His coach had a quiet word with me. Told me there’d be consequences if I didn’t leave it.” I pick up my drink and take a large gulp. I hadn’t meant to, but this is harder than I thought. I wince. “Anyway, I was foolish. I thought he loved me and it was just the others that wanted to break us apart. Graham had someone follow me. I don’t know, to threaten me? I never knew. Because before I could ask Mikey about it, he attacked me in the pub we used to go to every Saturday. That was almost a year ago. And for some reason he’s back at it again. I thought it was because I was seeing you, but…” I dip my head, embarrassed now that I’ve had to go running to a guy who doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. “Anyway,” I say. “I can’t believe you never heard this. Everyone I knew stopped speaking to me. It’s such a mess.”

  He looks away and grimaces. “I’m not exactly Mr Popular here.”

  I resist the temptation to point out that he can’t be more unpopular than me.

  “Do you want to go to the police after this?” He gestures to the table, where we each have about half a drink left.

  “No.” I shake my head and—to my alarm—tears well up in my eyes.

  “Why not, Ellie? If this guy is harassing you—”

  “I just can’t,” I hiss. “I went to them before and they didn’t do anything.”

  “Have you talked to your family?”

  I’m not fast enough to stop the sob escaping my throat. “Oh God,” I wail, burying my head in my hands. “You must think I’m a complete mess.”

  “No, I…” he pulls a face. “Okay, I can’t lie. You’re a bit of a mess but I won’t hold it against you.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “Thanks, Nathan. I really appreciate this. If my psycho ex wasn’t enough to deal with, I’ve just found out my father is going out with my friend and he’s signed his company over to her. And he lied to me about my mother.”

  “Wow.”

  “I know.” I take a sip of my drink and stare at the glass, suddenly very self-conscious. Only a few days ago, Nathan decided he didn’t want anything to do with me. Now I’m landing all of this stuff on him and I haven’t even told him the part about the documents I found in Dad’s house. I swallow. I really don’t want to say what I’m about to say next, but I feel like the only decent thing to do is to give Nathan an out. “I really appreciate you coming to get me. You didn’t have to.” My hands are shaking. “You can walk away if you want.”

  He frowns. “Do you want me to?”

  I look away. Of course I don’t. I’ll be on my own if he does and I can’t stand that thought. But I also can’t stand the idea of him getting involved in this out of pity.

  “It’s not about what I want. It’s… this isn’t your fight. And,” I lower my voice because I don’t trust my emotions anymore and the last thing I need is for him to think I’m even crazier than he already suspects. “You were going to walk away before, remember? That text you sent? You still can. I just want you to know that you shouldn’t feel obligated—”

  “Is this you telling me you’re not interested?”

  “No,” I say through the tears I can’t hold back anymore. “No, I’m not saying that at all. Look at us! This is only the third time we’ve been out together. I can’t stop crying and you had to come and rescue me from some random pub after a stranger tried to grab me.”

  Nathan watches me for a while and then shrugs. “It’s not perfect, but that’s life.” He leans closer. “Look, I have a spare room. You’re welcome to stay for a bit until you get this sorted out.”

  I stare at the table. I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t. I should book a hotel or a motel and stand on my own two feet, but a little voice in my head screams at me to accept his offer. I can’t afford to move into a hotel. “I don’t know how long it’s going to be for, Nathan.” I shiver. I don’t really want to tell him what I’m about to tell him, but I don’t have a choice. “This may have all kicked off because my ex found out I was seeing you. You’ve got to be aware of that. This could be dangerous for you.”

  Nathan smiles.

  “It’s not funny!” I hiss. “I’m serious. I’d be putting you at risk.”

  He takes my hand. “It’s sweet of you to worry about me, but I’ll be fine.”

  “But he’s dangerous, Nathan.”

  He grins and picks up his pint, finishing the rest of it in one long gulp. “So am I. Now, can I get you another?”

  I find myself nodding, even though I can’t stop thinking about what he’s just said. Nathan? Dangerous? I hadn’t thought so, but how well do I really know the guy? As messed up as it is, I find myself hoping that it’s true: I could do with someone dangerous on my side—that’s how serious this has become.

  24

  Ellie

  Friday

  I roll over and I’m immediately on edge when instead of rolling onto the cold and empty side of the bed I collide with a warm sleeping body.

  I sit up quickly, alarmed at first but then it slowly comes back to me.

  Nathan puts his arm around me. The tension flows out of me and I lean into him.

  “Sorry,” I whisper. “Did I wake you?”

  “It’s fine,” he says, rolling out of bed. “I have to get up and go to work soon.”

  My heart sinks. I want to tell him to stay here with me, but I don’t. I’ve been needy enough already. The last thing I want is to drive him away. “What time is it?” I’ve just realised it’s still dark outside.

  “Just after six.”

  My eyes widen. No wonder he’s always been so eager to meet early in the day. I’ve bitched to him about my job, but I don’t know a whole lot about his. “Do you always start this early?”

  He nods. “Got to. I’d get the sack if I wasn’t on site by seven at the latest.”

  “Wow.”

  “Don’t let that scare you. Feel free to have a lie-in. I’ll leave the spare key on the table and I’ll make coffee if I have time.”

  “There’s no need, I—”

  He kisses me. “Of course there’s a need after the week you’ve had. Right, I’m jumping in the shower.”

  As soon as the door closes behind him, I’m hit by a wall of absolute despair. I try to cocoon myself in bed, but it’s no comfort.

  Josephine Kent.

  Joy Cartwright.

  Dad.

  What the hell happened?

  I think about getting up and going to confront Dad, but that resolve lasts as long as it takes to remember the conversation I overheard between him and Steph last night.

  They think I have issues?

  That’s rich coming from the man who’s been lying to me my whole life and the woman who pretended to be my friend so she could get her claws into his company.

  That’s the part I don’t get. Why bother? She could have told me who she was or else avoided me. What did she gain from making friends with me? It’s not like I hold any sway with Dad.

  The door flies open. Nathan comes in with a plate in one hand and a mug in the other. “Breakfast in bed. It’s not much.”

  I smile as I take the plate from him. It’s t
oast smeared with butter and jam. “Thank you.”

  “I’ll leave your coffee here. You have a nice lie-in and I’ll see you later on.”

  “Thanks, but I think I’m going to get up and get to work early,” I say, sitting up.

  “Whatever you like. Give me a call if you want me to pick up anything on the way home or if you want a lift from work.”

  I smile, feeling a little awkward. “Thanks, Nathan. I’ll be out of your hair soon, I promise.”

  He leaves and a few moments later I hear the door closing behind him. I’m on my own again, but I feel safer now. No-one knows I’m here.

  I open my eyes and yawn so hard it makes my eyes water and almost causes my jaw to lock. My head is fuzzy and disoriented and there’s a terrible headache building at the base of my skull.

  I smack my lips. There’s a terrible taste in my mouth too. I look around, half in a daze until I realise how bright it’s gotten. I gasp and feel around on the bedside table for my phone. There’s no sign of it. I cup my hand around the bottom of the mug and frown. It’s cold even though it’s still half full. How long have I been asleep?

  I jump out of bed and the pain in my head intensifies. I’m suddenly conscious of being naked, so despite the urgency of finding my phone I scramble around retrieving my clothes from around the room. There’s not much to see in here—there are minimal furnishings and decorations, but it’s not tidy like Dad’s place. It’s an old house but it’s been renovated recently and there’s no trace of mould. The room is toasty and warm.

  I shake my head. Now is not the time to snoop around Nathan’s place—not when I suspect I’ve slept far later than I should have.

  When I open the door to the living room, I realise why I woke when I did. Nathan’s sitting at the kitchen table eating a sandwich.

  “Ellie,” he gasps. “You frightened the life out of me.”

  “Sorry. Any idea what time it is?”

  He glances at his watch. “Just after eleven.”

  “Shit!” I cry. “Shit! I overslept.”

  “Oh no,” he says, putting down his sandwich. “I just thought you’d forgotten your key and phone.”

  “My phone—where is it?”

  “Charging in the kitchen,” he says. “Where I left it. Are you sure you’re alright?”

  “No,” I hiss, shaking my head. “My manager has already bollocked me out of it once this week about timekeeping and now I’m going to show up late and,” I bend my head and sniff my top, “wearing yesterday’s clothes that probably smell like a brewery, as he’d put it.”

  Nathan runs a hand through his hair. “Okay, calm down. You made a mistake. You were up earlier than usual and you dozed off.”

  “I know, but you don’t understand—”

  “I could talk to him! Explain—”

  “What good would that do? You don’t even know him.” I turn and pace back to the bedroom. “No, I’ve got to get showered and get in to work straight away. I don’t even have time for a shower.” I realise then that I don’t even have a toothbrush.

  “I’ll give you a lift.”

  I start to say he doesn’t need to, but he does need to or else it’ll be after half past by the time I get in. I don’t say anything.

  “I’m heading back to work anyway. It’s a good thing I popped back for lunch.”

  The only good thing I can think of is that I’m now well and truly distracted from all the other stuff going on in my life, but is this really what I wanted? I feel on the verge of a panic attack: now, more than ever, I can’t afford to lose this job.

  I hurry to the bathroom and spray deodorant under my arms. It’s that awful supermarket stuff teenage boys spray liberally all over themselves and I retch when the smell reaches my nose, but it’ll have to do. I’ve got to get in there as soon as I can.

  “Are you ready?” I say when I return to the kitchen and unplug my phone. It’s switched off—it must have died last night, but that doesn’t matter. There’s no time for me to check messages anyway. “I can walk if you’ll be a while.”

  He stands up. “No, I’m ready. And don’t say that. After what you’ve told me, it’s not safe for you to wander around on your own. Let me protect you.”

  I turn away so he doesn’t see the way I recoil a little when I hear this. He’s only trying to help and it’s ever so sweet of him, but it annoys me that I need protecting. Why can’t Mikey just leave me alone?

  As soon as we’re in the car and all of Nathan’s attention is taken up with driving, my thoughts begin to swirl around again. I bury my head in my hands. It’s all too much—I just can’t understand it. Even though I’ve had plenty of sleep, it’s just too much to get my head around. I thought it was yesterday’s exhaustion that stopped me from being able to process it, but it wasn’t.

  Why wouldn’t Dad tell me we used to have different names? And why did he change them?

  And her cause of death… If Josephine Kent was my mother, who poisoned her? Was it Dad? Did he change my name and go on the run so he wouldn’t be caught?

  “Penny for them,” Nathan mutters.

  I shake my head. “You seriously don’t want to know.”

  All too soon we pull up outside my office. I kiss Nathan and get out of the car. I stop on the pavement and take a moment to compose myself before going in. It’s twenty past eleven. I’m almost an hour and a half late—which wouldn’t usually be the worst thing ever, but this week it is. Jason will think I’m testing him, and I’m not.

  There’s a knocking sound behind me. I spin around to see Nathan knocking on his window. “Are you okay?” he mouths.

  I nod and force a smile. Of course I’m not bloody okay—everything’s falling apart.

  I walk in the door and straight to the lift, relieved there’s no-one else waiting. I couldn’t face small talk right now—I don’t have the space in my head for it.

  25

  Ellie

  “Where the hell have you been?” Jason snaps.

  I shake my head, trying to get rid of the dull fuzzy feeling. This is serious—why do I feel so numb? Jason called me into his office before I could even log in to the system. I haven’t even thought of what I’m going to say to him yet.

  “I’m sorry, Jason,” I whisper. “I’ve…” I think about lying and telling him I was ill. Then I imagine his response. There’s no way he’d believe me. “I overslept. It just happened.”

  He looks astonished. “It just happened, did it?” He makes an exaggerated sniffing sound and my heart sinks. Why did I bother with the deodorant? If anything, it’s just highlighted the fact that I didn’t stay at my own place last night. “Big night, was it?”

  I take a deep breath. “No it wasn’t.”

  “Do you seriously think I’m stupid?”

  Panic rises in me. I’ve got to convince him that I’m not taking the piss, but how? If I tell him the truth he’ll assume it’s a lie. I would, if someone had told me a similar story a year ago. “No, I don’t think you’re stupid. I’ve just… there’s some personal stuff going on right now that I’m struggling with.” I close my eyes. No. I can’t let it slip out.

  “What personal stuff?”

  I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter.”

  He snorts. “Does it have anything to do with the bloke whose car I just saw you get out of?”

  I curse myself for being so stupid as I look past him to the window. We’re on the third floor: Jason has a perfect vantage point of the pavement outside the building from the floor-to-ceiling window beside his desk. Why didn’t I think of that when I was giddily kissing Nathan before I got out of the car? And then just standing outside like a fool? What must he think of me?

  I take a deep breath. “He’s a friend who’s being kind enough to help me out right now, that’s all.”

  Jason shakes his head. “I don’t have time for this. You turn up smelling like a locker room and plead personal problems—which are vague enough that I can’t possibly catch you out in a lie
. That’s convenient, wouldn’t you say?”

  “No, I—” I close my eyes. This isn’t the place to talk about what’s been happening to me.

  “You what?” he sighs. “Look, I don’t want to do this, Ellie. I warned you earlier in the week. I’ve got to give you a written warning. It’ll be on your desk by the end of the day.”

  “Please, no. Don’t—”

  “You’ve left me no other choice, Ellie.”

  “Please! I need this job. Things are messed up. I can’t even go back to my flat. I…” I grit my teeth and stop talking. What am I going to tell him? That my ex is stalking me and my friend is secretly going out with my dad, who I think may have killed my mother? He’ll think I’m losing my mind. “Fine,” I say, turning to leave. “It won’t happen again.”

  It won’t—I’ll make sure of it.

  I’m shaking with dread and disbelief as I make my way back to my desk. This is completely my own fault—I know that. Even so, I wouldn’t be in this position without the actions of a few people.

  Mikey.

  Steph.

  Dad.

  They’re the ones who really deserve my anger. I’ve got to remember that.

  26

  Ellie

  Saturday

  I jerk awake. This time there’s no confusion about where I am but I’m troubled by the dreams that were swirling around in my mind just before I woke up.

  I lie in bed staring into the darkness. At first I assume the faint light is coming from outside, but then I turn my head slightly and realise it’s coming from my phone.

  I don’t want to move and wake Nathan even though I’m overcome with curiosity. I go back to staring at the ceiling, but adrenaline is pumping through my body now.