Let Me In

by Alison Keane

  The door to the courtroom opens and my heart leaps. Without knowing what I’m doing, I reach out for Dad’s hand. And Tony’s.

  “Don’t worry,” Tony mutters. “He’ll get what’s coming to him.”

  I look at him. Now that the moment we’ve been waiting for is here, I’m starting to wonder if I should have come at all. What if he’s let off? Even if he’s convicted, how long will he actually serve? I saw how convincing a liar he was when he told the court under oath that he only strangled me because I asked him to and that we’d been having a secret relationship for months. What if the jury believes him?

  “Come on, Ellie,” DS Hobson says as he passes. “We’re all here for you.”

  There’s a lump in my throat as we walk back into the courtroom.

  I can’t look.

  I close my eyes and clench my fists.

  “Not guilty.”

  The words ring out in the courtroom. I squeeze my eyes closed. I knew that. I expected that. There’s still the assault charge. They have to get him on that.

  “Not guilty.”

  I gasp. My shock is mirrored on the faces of those around me.

  I shake my head.

  How?

  He got away with it. He got away with breaking into my flat and trying to kill me.

  Dad squeezes my hand.

  “No. I can’t.”

  I need to get out of here. I need to leave. I can’t face Jason. I stand up.

  Dad tugs on my arm. “Wait. You can’t get up yet.”

  I sit down numbly. It feels strange to obey the rules of a court that has just dismissed everything I’ve been through and made Jason a free man.

  The judge leaves and I jump to my feet. I don’t want to stay in this place a moment longer than I have to.

  Tony puts his arm around me as we walk out.

  “It’s disappointing, I know.”

  “I should have known.”

  “You had a right to seek justice.”

  I snort. “Not according to his defence. They painted me as some batshit crazy loser who was chasing after him.” Tears sting my eyes. It was so humiliating listening to them tell the whole court those lies about me and not being able to stand up and scream that they were lying. I should have: the only reason I didn’t is that I was scared it might affect the trial.

  “It doesn’t matter, Ellie.”

  I stop and look up at him. What is he talking about? “Of course it matters! He’s free! I’ll be the prisoner now. I won’t be able to set foot outside the door and how the hell am I going to sleep? The nightmares were bad enough with him in custody.”

  Tony looks around before leaning closer to me. “Keep your voice down, alright? That’s not what I meant.”

  I frown. “What did you mean? It sounds like you’re saying it’s no big deal that he got off.”

  “Come on,” he says. “Keep walking.”

  “I can’t, Tony.” The familiar buzz of an anxiety attack begins. I stop and sit down on the nearest doorstep. “I can’t. I’ll never feel safe if he’s free. You and Dad can’t protect me all the time and I don’t want you to have to do that. I’ll have to move away after all.”

  “Ellie,” he whispers. “Breathe. And listen to me. You’re safe now.”

  “But I know that’s not true. You know that more than anyone.” I stop talking when I see the look that flashes across his face. I frown. “What are you going to do?”

  “He’ll get what’s coming to him.”

  My eyes widen as I realise what he’s talking about. “No. He’s already hurt enough people I care about. He’ll win if you get locked away again.”

  He shakes his head. “I’ve learned my lesson, Ellie. No-one will ever know I was involved. That’s why I’ve held off.”

  “But Hobson is—”

  Tony laughs. “Do you think Hobson will shed any tears over him? I don’t.”

  I shake my head. I don’t know what to think. A year ago I would have been shocked by what he’s suggesting—by what I asked him to do on the night Jason broke into my flat—but a lot has changed. Jason has cost Mikey and Steph their lives, Dad his business. He almost killed me. I don’t doubt that he’ll try again once he gets out. “I don’t either.”

  We walk on in silence for a while and I feel the fear start to leave me again. I take Tony’s hand. I know it makes him sad that Dad gave me a childhood Tony never could, but he’s given me something far more precious now: something Dad and the law could never do.

  I feel safe again.

  “Thank you,” I whisper.

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