The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters

by Rick Gualtieri

  Oh my God.

  A pile of desiccated corpses, in various states of decay, lay before me. The bodies were mostly nude with a few wearing the remnants of the same robes as my attackers. From the look of things, they’d all had their throats torn out to varying degrees.

  Since being turned into a vampire, I’d made it a point to keep humans off the menu. I stuck strictly to the bottled stuff...which, technically, still came from people, but at least spared me from hearing them scream while I drank it. It was the little things that sometimes helped me sleep at night.

  Apparently, Dr. Death had been making up for lost time.

  I could’ve stood and stared for hours, imagining what had happened - the final moments of these people - but that wasn’t going to help any of them. Pushing aside thoughts that I’d turned into the very monster I had feared becoming, I decided it would be best to concentrate on getting the fuck out of wherever I was. I could always torture my psyche later.

  Backing away from Dr. Death’s breakfast nook, I turned toward where I’d heard the four stooges enter from. There! Embedded in a section of particularly hard looking rock was a dull grey metal door.

  I walked over and gave it a push. When in doubt, always try the obvious. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t budge in the slightest - locked up tight.

  “Hello!” I shouted, trying to put on an accent - learned from countless hours of watching Indiana Jones outwit Nazis. “Ze Freewill is transformed. You can let me...err, us out now.”

  No response.

  Oh fuck this shit. I cocked my fist - putting all of my vampiric strength behind it - and hammered it into the door.

  The next few minutes found me cradling my broken hand, waiting for my healing to kick in. I hadn’t even put a tiny dent into the metal. Hell, my blow had barely resulted in a small thud of sound. How the fuck thick was that thing?

  That’s when I remembered it would have to be pretty damn strong to keep my alternate form contained. Stupid memory. Couldn’t have thought of that before I turned my knuckles into jelly, could I?

  That escape plan was obviously a dud. The walls were out too. From the look of things, I’d need a couple tons of high explosives to make any sort of progress there. About the only other options that came to mind were saying “Open sesame” or clicking my heels together.

  I found a nice uncomfortable spot and sat down to think things over - occasionally interrupted by the need to punch the humans out, lest they start getting all zappy again.

  Speaking of which, how the fuck were these four yahoos supposed to escape once they’d succeeded in bringing out the beast in me?

  Wait...hadn’t a few of the corpses been similarly attired? Maybe they weren’t supposed to get out.

  Maybe they’d been sacrificial lambs of a sort, sent to stir the monster inside of me and then serve as his refreshments. They were both the wake-up call and in-room meal.

  Whoa.

  Jumping Jesus Christ on a hand grenade - what the fuck was this place?

  Almost as if in answer, a clanking sound came from the door, followed by the squeal of hinges.

  Apparently, I was about to find out.

  The Devil You Know

  The heavy door of my cell - for that’s what it seemingly was - opened, revealing that it was probably better suited for a bank vault. The fucking thing had to be about a foot thick. No wonder I hadn’t so much as even dinged it. Forget Dr. Death, I’d need a cruise missile to knock that thing down.

  As interesting as that was, my attention was quickly diverted away from the finer points of heavily armored egresses as the door was unlocked from the outside with a heavy click. I had visitors.

  “I have little doubt you will be impressed by the Freewill’s battle prow...” Alex paused mid-sentence as he stepped through and laid eyes upon me. A brief grimace passed over his face before a mask of neutrality replaced it. Oh well, at least he was dressed this time.

  I had a moment to consider his words, specifically the part about battle. My short-term memory might’ve been scrambled, but I definitely remembered him and that he was the cause of all of this. It had been through his manipulations that I’d ended up inadvertently starting a war that threatened to burn the world to ash. What a fucking...

  A high-pitched noise buzzed in my head, and I winced as it resolved into a voice of sorts. What is the delay, vampire? I am not known for my patience.

  There was something else waiting outside the door. Whatever it was, it was big...and scaly. What the...?

  Alex stepped aside and gestured for it to enter. “Of course, mighty Druaga. Please forgive the delay, however slight.”

  Druaga? Why did that name sound familiar?

  Oh fuck.

  My tenth-level adventuring group had gone up against him years ago and we’d gotten the ever-living shit kicked out of us. Dave had been in rare form that day, enjoying the total-party-kill far more than he normally would - the asshole.

  Well, okay, that had all been part of my weekly D&D game, but still. Didn’t a lot of myths - and game stats, for that matter - mostly have their basis in reality? If so, that didn’t bode well. And here Alex was, showing me off to this guy like I was a panda at the Bronx Zoo.

  I subconsciously backed up a step as what I presumed to be Druaga entered. Whoa. His Monster Manual portrait definitely hadn’t done him justice. Think some bizarre combination of a monitor lizard, centaur, and one of those overly tattooed dudes that used to headline at freak shows. Over eight feet tall, he almost had to kneel to step through the door. He had four long legs, each ending in claws that would have made a velociraptor weep with envy. Multi-colored scales covered its body and glinted despite the lack of light in the room. He crossed two muscular arms over his chest, which was covered in various sigils. One looked an awful lot like the Cobra symbol from G.I. Joe - Tom would’ve definitely had a dipshit remark at seeing that. A reptilian head full of teeth, horns, and two sets of angry red eyes sat atop a short, muscular neck.

  What is this? His voice reverberated in my head, despite the fact that the creature hadn't moved its mouth - except maybe to drool a bit.

  “May I present to you, the Freewill,” Alex said before turning toward me. “You should be honored. You stand in the presence of Druaga, one of the seven esteemed lords of the dead.” He inclined his head in the direction of the ugly fucker standing next to him.

  What is an ugly fucker?

  Oh shit.

  The corner of Alex’s mouth raised ever so slightly. “You will have to forgive his errant thoughts, oh merciless one. He is not used to conversing psychically, and I have found his mental processes to be somewhat...convoluted. In some ways, though, it is a refreshing breath of air compared to the usual idolatry afforded those of station.”

  I see, Druaga thought...I guess...turning his creepy eyes my way. Show me.

  Show him? What, my convoluted thought processes? Fine. You asked for it, asshole.

  I imagined a female version of him - basically a lizard monster with tits - and then visualized myself railing it from behind. Yeah, that’s what I did to your mother last night. How do you like that?

  After a moment, Alex said, “I’m sure the Freewill is just conserving his vast power at this time.”

  That’s what he wanted me to show him? Oh, crap.

  Druaga stared at me for a moment, his four eyes blinking at different intervals. Then he glanced toward Alex. The Freewill wishes to copulate with my kind. Such offspring would be potentially useful in the coming conflict. I shall consider this request.

  What?!

  “Hold on, dude. I didn’t...”

  “We can most certainly discuss such accommodations should our alliance be formalized.” Alex stepped in front of the big gecko, cutting me off. He turned and fixed me with a glare before I could utter a peep. Guess he didn’t need to be psychic to figure out I might have something negative to add. “We will do whatever is necessary for the good of our people. Is that not correct?” His tone for that la
st part was pure iron.

  He was a vampire over two millennia in age, possessing power enough to pound me into paste with no effort whatsoever. Hell, assuming what he said earlier was true and not just some homoerotic pillow talk, he was strong enough to engage in recreational sparring with my nigh-undefeatable alternate mode.

  That wasn’t even counting the presence of Druaga, a creature that at least in game terms was considered a god - a lesser one, but I was pretty sure that would prove to be an unimportant detail should he decide to eat my face.

  Needless to say, I’m not a complete fucking idiot. I clammed up and put on my best polite smile.

  I still require a demonstration of his power before committing my forces to such an alliance. A forked tongue darted out of Druaga’s mouth and reached up to clean one of its eyeballs - freaky.

  I insist that you immediately commence with... He cocked his head to the side, looking like the world’s ugliest stupid dog. A buzzing sound filled my ears as if I’d stuck my head into an angry beehive.

  If Alex heard it too, he gave no indication. He stood there between me and Reptilicus as if this was the most natural thing in the world for him. Goddamn, sometimes the supernatural world was just plain weird.

  After a few moments, the buzzing ceased and Druaga raised his head again. My attention is needed elsewhere. I will return at my convenience. The Freewill shall show me his power then.

  Pushy fucker, wasn’t he? I was almost tempted to tell him such, but then - without even so much as a goodbye - Druaga was gone. His body appeared to fold in on itself, imploding into nothingness. A soft pop of air rushed to fill the spot where he’d been.

  The relief I felt at not having to test my hit-points against his was short-lived, however. I was now alone with Alex, the madman who was currently plotting the end of the world.

  I just hoped he didn’t want to resume his nude wrestling match.

  * * *

  “That was most fortunate for us,” Alex said after a moment. “Our guest is not known for his tolerance of disappointment.”

  He strolled over to the human I'd bitten and raised his boot. “But then, neither am I.”

  Crunch. He crushed the man’s head into paste.

  Ewww.

  “I suppose the fault is mine for sending thralls to attend this task at such an important juncture. You should know, you picked a poor moment to revert again.”

  I had trouble prying my eyes away from the person he'd just snuffed like a bug, but somehow forced myself to focus. “Again? What do you mean by that?”

  “You have reverted twice in as many months, as I am sure you remember. Those episodes were short lived, of course. Your more impressive form has been quite easy to coax out prior to today.”

  I had no clue what he was talking about. If I’d woken up before in this place, I didn’t remember dick about it. Of course, if I had opened my eyes, only to have the shit immediately zapped out of me by hooded zealots, then perhaps that wasn’t too surprising. Horrific trauma had a way of doing things like that.

  “Alas, as amusing as it might be to have your more loquacious half back for the time being, I must insist that you allow yourself to change. I cannot allow the opportunity at hand to pass.”

  I backed up a step. “What opportunity?”

  “The war to cleanse this planet, of course. Druaga commands an impressive force of fell creatures. Though he has traditionally remained neutral with regards to the signatories of the Humbaba Accord, he has recently reconsidered committing to our cause.”

  “Um, any reason why?”

  “Those are matters for the First Coven and the First alone, Freewill, as I’m sure you can understand. Now I do apologize, but...”

  “I can’t! I mean, it won’t work.”

  “What will not work?”

  “I can’t change. Something is...broken about it. Your guys did their job, but it didn’t do anything. Believe me, I wanted it to. I like getting ass-raped by cattle prods about as much as the next guy.”

  Yeah, I was rambling. Kinda pathetic, but I figured I was due some slack. I mean, I’d woken up naked in a dank dungeon, been assaulted by a bunch of maniacs, and met the equivalent of a demon lord. Talk about a stressful day. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised to learn that it was a Monday.

  Sadly, my pleas fell upon uncaring ears.

  Alex made the subtlest of movements and appeared immediately in front of me, covering the distance between us far faster than my eyes could follow.

  “Once again, I apologize for what must be done. Know that I do not take any pleasure in this.”

  Why did I not find that statement particularly comforting?

  Blood Bath

  “I see you spoke the truth, Freewill.” Alex casually wrung his hands, sending drops of blood - mine - flying. “This is most concerning.”

  I would’ve replied with a great big “Duh!” but my jaw hadn’t healed enough yet. At least I was no longer in pain. At some point in the pummeling that ensued, my nerve endings simply gave out, leaving me uncomfortably numb.

  I was pretty sure every single bone in my body was now a fine white powder. I’ll give him credit, though. He was a master at his craft. He spilled very little blood, and at no point did I lose consciousness. His ability to take a person apart, leaving them as little more than human Jell-O, was damn near an art form. I just wished it was art I had observed on the wall of a museum, not lived through.

  I thought back fondly to nearly being incinerated at Sheila’s touch as she hung from the edge of...

  Wait, when had that happened? The memory scattered just as quickly as it came. But then, hadn’t my less than personable half mentioned that my memories would probably return at inconvenient times?

  Speaking of which, I sure as shit hoped he was enjoying his little nap because if we ever met up again in my head, I was going to beat the ever-living fuck out of him with every abstract piece of mental furniture I could grab.

  “I must consult with our seers on this.” I got the sense that Alex was more talking to himself than the puddle of goo that was me. He turned back toward the exit. “I will send more thralls...”

  Oh fuck. No more electrocutions. For Christ’s sake...

  “...to make you more comfortable, as well as presentable. It would be regrettable for Druaga to return and find you in this state.”

  I was tempted to tell him not to do me any favors, but thankfully, my tongue was still dislocated. The truth was I actually wouldn’t have minded a few favors right at that moment.

  * * *

  Thankfully, the next batch of robed humans that appeared in my cell seemed much less inclined to turn me into a tater tot. They carried in what looked to be an oversized cooler and set it down beside me. Before I could ask whether they were throwing me an undead kegger, they proceeded to scrape me off the floor and dump me into it.

  Whatever pithy remark might’ve been on the tip of my tongue was drowned as I immediately submerged beneath the surface of the viscous red liquid within.

  Blood!

  And not just any blood. Within a minute, I felt better as my bones began knitting themselves back together. The casket - for lack of a better word - was filled with vampire blood. It jumpstarted my own healing and then augmented it further. It wasn’t a huge boost, but it was a lot more juice than I normally had in me.

  As I let it work its magic, I tried not to think about the unlucky donor. Judging by the strength of the blood, I’d guess some minor underling had been unfortunate enough to have crossed paths with Alex on his way out of my cell. This day had certainly sucked for him every bit as much as it did for me, with the exception that I’d get a chance to do it all over again. Joy.

  And it was just at that point that my overloaded nerve endings began working again.

  Fuck me.

  * * *

  After spending the next several minutes alternating between screaming, crying, and trying not to wet myself, my body finally pulled itself back togeth
er. I climbed out of the blood and found myself alone again. However, before vacating the premises - and no doubt locking the door behind them - the thralls had been good enough to leave me a fresh change of clothing, including a new pair of glasses. I put them on and the room finally snapped into crystal clear focus. The vampire nation supposedly had detailed files on all of their minions. Normally, I wasn’t too fond of that concept, but considering mine apparently included my prescription, I was willing to overlook the gross invasion of my privacy just this once.

  I quickly toweled off and got dressed - feeling considerably less insecure once I had a pair of underwear and jeans standing between Titanosaurus and the rest of the world. I finally felt human again, the irony of that statement not lost upon me.

  The massive door of my cell opened again about ten minutes later and, once more, Alex stepped through. I’d be lying if I claimed that I didn’t come close to shitting myself at the sight of him - fearing he planned a repeat performance.

  He must’ve sensed my tension, for he held up a hand in a placating manner. “Be at peace, Freewill. If you did not change earlier, I have no reason to believe further persuasion will trigger it.”

  “Well, that’s good to know.”

  “Druaga will be returning shortly, but I thought you might care for a chance to stretch your legs until then. Think of it as my way of...making amends for my earlier actions. After all, you are the one the legends speak of. It would be rude of us to treat you as a mere animal, especially now that you have regained a mindset that does not favor attacking everything in your sight.”

  I kept any flippant remarks to myself. I needed to remember that I’d been locked up here for God-knows how long, and it was well within Alex’s power to just turn around and leave me to rot. Telling him to go fuck himself would be satisfying, but it wouldn’t do much toward helping me get out of this asylum.

  Taking my silence as affirmation, he turned back toward the door. “Come walk with me, Freewill. Fret not, for we will be duly informed when Druaga returns.”

  That wasn’t exactly in my top ten things to fret about, but once more, I figured it best to keep my opinions to myself. For a moment, I was hesitant to follow, fearful of venturing too close to him, but then I realized how stupid that was. The guy could move at speeds that basically made him a character straight out of Dragonball Z. It wouldn’t matter much if I was a foot away from him or a mile. If he wanted to be all over me like a new suit, I would never see it coming.