The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters

by Rick Gualtieri

“Our apologies, mighty one,” Alex said, stepping in. “These are trying times, requiring my attention. No offense was intended.”

  “Uh yeah, what he said,” I added.

  Alex guided me past Godzuki and then we turned to face him.

  So be it. You will now proceed to show me the Freewill’s power.

  “Of course, oh Lord of the Festering Pit. Behold the Freewill as he is now. What would you say if you encountered him upon the battlefield?”

  I raised an eyebrow at that. What the fuck?

  I would say he was unworthy to feed to even my lowliest dretch-hound.

  “And you would be correct in thinking so.” I hadn’t realized Alex’s contingency plan included using me as comedy relief. If so, I’d have requested a pair of clown shoes to round out my ensemble. “Strike me, Freewill.”

  “Huh?”

  “I said strike me - full on. Use all the might at your disposal.”

  Was Alex actually asking me to hit him? Tempting. Heck, once I started, I might not want to stop. Unfortunately, there was always the chance he’d hit back...

  No. Strike me, instead. I wish to know your power.

  “Um...” An ancient vampire warlord was one thing, but now a freaking god wanted to go punch-for-punch? That didn’t sound like a winning battle to me.

  Alex crossed his arms and looked at me expectantly. “Do as you are bidden, Freewill.”

  I so hated being the low man on the totem pole. It’s like this at work whenever I'm in a meeting with my manager and some director from another department. You could always count on shit sliding downhill right into my lap. The difference was that the worst that could happen there was getting fired. Here... well, I didn’t even want to think about it. The supernatural world seemed to specialize in messy endings.

  The silence stretched for another second. Oh well, I had the feeling there was no way around it. On the upside - considering the many ways people die every day, there was one advantage to doing this: not many folks could honestly put on their tombstone they’d gotten a chance to punch it out with the dude who signs the Grim Reaper’s paycheck.

  “Here it comes,” I said in my best tough-guy voice. The reject from the reptile house held his arms out to the side. Gut shot it was, then.

  I stepped up and let loose with a haymaker powerful enough so that this fucker’s second cousin would feel it.

  Or so I told myself.

  There’s some truth to the old saying of this is going to hurt me more than it does you. Druaga didn’t even flinch. Hitting the scales on his midsection was like punching a pile of sand. There was the tiniest of give, but I might as well have slapped him with a feather for all the damage I did.

  The brows over his two rightmost eyes raised questioningly and he inclined his head ever so slightly toward Alex - his lack of awe painfully clear.

  This is the reason you called me forth from my realm? I am close to being insulted, vampire. Know that I have unleashed my wrath for far less.

  Oh, crapola.

  * * *

  I backed up a step, hoping Dru's main beef was with Alex. Safe to say, I wouldn’t take offense if he considered me unworthy of smiting.

  Instead, Alex laughed. The death god and I turned toward the leader of the Draculas, no doubt wondering why he’d chosen this moment to go batshit insane.

  “Do you not see how perfect he is, oh mighty one?”

  Explain yourself.

  “Our enemies will view him the same way - as no threat whatsoever. This makes him the perfect weapon. The Grendel and their allies will seek out the strongest warriors on the battlefield, failing to realize what they have foolishly turned their backs upon.”

  Yeah, me, the guy who’d get the fuck out of Dodge the second they ignored me. I wasn’t too proud to admit that running away was a strategy I hadn’t quite ruled out.

  And they would be correct. The disgust practically dripped off Druaga - along with some drool. Tell me, Alexander of the First, does your grand plan involve our enemies pissing themselves to death with laughter? This creature represents no threat.

  “Yet.”

  “Yet?” I mimicked, unsure where this was going.

  “The Freewill’s appearance is deceptive with regards to the true power that lies inside of him.”

  I grow tired of this...

  “Power that I will now show you.”

  I almost blurted out, “How?” but managed to bite my tongue. Had he already forgotten that I couldn’t change, that the beast inside of me was taking a time out? Hell, even that pack of crazy blind assholes couldn’t help him out. Was he planning to bluff the scaly freak?

  Alex held up an index finger. His nail immediately thickened and elongated into a wicked talon three inches long.

  Uh oh.

  Raising his other arm, he slashed his wrist open in one fluid motion.

  No. He couldn’t be serious.

  But he was. Moving with that same lightning-fast speed as before, he grabbed me and clutched the back of my neck, forcing my mouth onto the spurting wound.

  “Now you will see, Mighty Druaga, just how easily the prey becomes the predator.”

  * * *

  A small part of me was tempted to clamp my mouth shut. Hell, maybe if I did it long enough, Alex would just save us all the trouble and bleed to death. Wouldn’t that be nice? It’d definitely save everyone a lot of trouble to come.

  The truth was that I was terrified of drinking his blood. The last time I’d done so, when he’d secretly slipped it to me back when we were in Canada, it had been far too powerful. The result had caused...

  Was that his plan? If he couldn’t beat Dr. Death out of me, he’d force him out with an overdose of his blood?

  Would that even work? And if it didn’t, what would happen? They could probably try to...

  Goddamn, what a fucking moron I could be.

  If it worked, then I’d change and give Druaga whatever demonstration he was looking for. Alex would probably be happy enough to go grease himself up for another nude cage match. In short, I wouldn’t be in any worse shape than I was.

  But if I didn’t change...

  Fuck it, it was worth a chance.

  I opened my mouth and bit down upon Alex’s arm, letting the lifeblood of quite possibly the most powerful vampire in the world pour down my throat.

  * * *

  The effect was nearly instantaneous. It was like drinking a gallon of rocket fuel, followed by a lit match as a chaser. It spread to my extremities, sending tingles of energy coursing through them. All at once, I felt like a million bucks, as if there were no force on this planet that I couldn’t stand against. My body felt light and springy, ready to bound over rooftops with the barest of effort.

  In short, I felt like a supercharged engine, the RPMs pushed into the red as the gas pedal hit the floor. The blood wasn’t done affecting me, though.

  “ARGH!” I backed away from them and doubled over, feeling as if I were on fire. This was it. I opened my eyes, holding my hands in front of them and expecting my claws to elongate as my body enlarged. My thoughts would become cloudy as the desire for carnage began to take over, until at last my vision would turn red and I would remember nothing.

  Except that didn’t happen.

  Physically, I remained unchanged as the spasms brought on by Alex’s blood subsided. Holy shit, talk about riding out a high. I’m not exactly what you’d call a hardcore pothead, but was known to indulge from time to time. Smoking even the really good shit was nothing compared to this, though.

  I stood up straight, feeling the difference in the world around me. As intense as my senses normally were, they were even more jacked up. I could smell the faintest of scents - something Druaga really didn’t benefit from. I could hear the shallowest of breaths by the guards still standing watch outside my cell. I could...holy fuck. I glanced over the rim of my glasses and realized everything was still in focus. Freaking awesome! That alone was incentive for living two thousand more years.r />
  It probably wouldn’t last, but maybe I could still use that to my advantage.

  First things first, though.

  “Behold, oh glorious one,” Alex said. “The Freewill who stands before us now is not the same man he was mere seconds ago.” If he was disappointed that I hadn’t changed, he didn’t show it. He was one cool cucumber.

  Pity that I was about to play the part of the paring knife.

  * * *

  “Now, Freewill, show the mighty Druaga...”

  “My pleasure.” I used my amped-up speed to move to Alex’s side in less time than it took to think it.

  Quickly, before I could psych myself out of what was surely a suicidal move on my part, I grabbed him by the shirt. He barely had time to raise a questioning eyebrow when I spun and flung him toward the far end of my cell with everything I had.

  It turned out I had even more power than I thought. He flew like he’d been shot out of a missile launcher, crashing into the wall and sending out a shower of debris. Yeah, that was probably gonna piss him off a little.

  I had no delusions about my chances. I might’ve temporarily possessed equal power, but he had centuries of experience on his side. This was a battle I had little chance of winning. Thus, a change in locale was dictated, pronto.

  Impressive, Freew...

  I didn’t let the oversized Sleestak finish the thought. Bringing all of my stolen strength and speed to bear, I rushed toward him shoulder first.

  Ugh! Even with Alex’s power, it was still like trying to tackle a tractor trailer, but fortunately I’d caught him by surprise. I knocked the god of the underworld off his feet, which left me a clear route to the door. Heh, how many people could make that claim?

  There was no time to waste gloating, though.

  I raced to the entrance, paused in the doorway, and turned around. “So sorry, Dru, but I must bid you adieu. P.S. Fuck you.”

  Well, maybe there was a little time to gloat.

  Or not.

  Hands fell upon my shoulders. Shit, I’d forgotten about the guards.

  Pity for them I hadn’t also forgotten the part about having enough strength to arm-wrestle Spider-man and win. However old they were, they were still no match for a vamp of Alex’s power.

  I stepped out into the hall and grabbed hold of them on either side of me. Bringing my arms together, I slammed the two of them face-first into each other with a satisfying crunch of bone.

  My newly sharpened eyes caught movement on the far end of the cavern. Time was up.

  I shoved the semi-conscious guards inside and slammed the heavy door shut just as a massive impact hit it from the other side.

  I jumped back, worried that it would give under Alex’s assault, but then remembered it had been designed to handle me in my Dr. Death form. Judging by the minimal damage I’d managed to inflict upon it, it was a safe bet that it was built to exceed specs.

  The outside of the door included an airlock-like crank as well as an old-fashioned keyhole - conveniently occupied by a thick metal key.

  Oops, make that occupied by the broken end of a thick metal key.

  None of that would stop Druaga, who’d already shown a talent for teleporting, but hopefully he’d be too preoccupied with bitching out Alex to come after me.

  Another impact sounded from inside. The stonework around the door rattled from the force of it. Oh yeah, definitely time to go.

  I removed my glasses and put them in my back pocket. My eyes would serve as the test for when Alex’s power was beginning to falter. It was a fuck-load better than jumping into a fight before realizing I was back down to normal levels. Also, it was nice just not to wear them. I’d never been a big fan of contacts...dry eyes and all that crap.

  I turned right and sped off down the corridor, not really sure which way to go other than to keep heading up toward the surface. Even if the door held, I wasn’t sure if the thick walls would block any compulsions for help Alex might send out. I had to assume the worst - that it was only going to be a matter of time before he escaped.

  I needed to be as far away as possible when that happened.

  Head Cheese

  Goddamn, what a fucking rat maze. Even using my stolen speed, it was still a pain in the ass of tunnels, stairs, and dead ends. Christ, I could barely find my way around an amusement park without a map. This was near hopeless.

  I only slowed when I sensed other vamps near, which happened pretty frequently considering this was their base of operations. Fortunately, barely any of them batted their eyes in my direction. Thank goodness for vampire arrogance. For the past three months, anyone who’d had any contact with me had only seen whatever the fuck it was I turned into. I, as just myself, was just a lowly child to them - hardly worthy of their attention.

  Bunch of pricks.

  After several long minutes of making shit progress in my bid to escape, I slowed down and tried to use some strategy - falling back on my gaming expertise. After all, my elven battle-mage, Kelvin Lightblade, was an experienced dungeon crawler. He’d made it into and out of worse places than this - usually burdened with gold and glorious tales to tell. As the brains behind him, could I do any less? Fuck no.

  That was it - I had to imagine myself in the game. Forget the vampire nation; I was on a quest, sent from a far off kingdom ruled by the beautiful Princess Sheila...

  She’s dead.

  No! That wasn’t helping. It was just distracting. Forget the princess too; I was on a mission to find a powerful artifact that would save...oh, screw it. I was looking for some fucking treasure. Yeah, that was the ticket.

  Using that mindset, I was able to start making some real progress.

  Well, okay, it also helped that I happened to stick my head in what looked like a storage room. Inside, a bored-looking zombie was performing inventory of some boxes. He looked up expectantly at my presence.

  “Chillon Castle?” I asked, hoping for the best. Man, vampire, or other, one should never be too proud to ask for directions.

  To my surprise, he hooked a desiccated thumb in one direction, sending me on my way.

  At long last, I saw it. Barely an arrow slit up above - near the top of yet another flight of stone steps - I finally glimpsed a sliver of sky. Even better, it was dark out. If I could find a door or window, I could make a run for it. I had no idea what would come next, but I’d figure it out...hopefully.

  All I knew for certain was that my opportunity was rapidly drying up. I’d been out for too long. It was only a matter of time before an alarm klaxon sounded and every vamp in the place was ordered to hunt me down.

  I followed the hall I’d just emerged into, hoping it would lead somewhere useful. Continuing on, I came to a four-way intersection, but heard voices coming from the left and right. Figuring I’d pressed my luck enough for one day, I kept going straight until the hallway turned to the left and... yet another dead end.

  Fuck!

  All that stood before me were some candle sconces and a few paintings. Who the fuck had designed this place?

  In frustration, I let loose and punched the wall - smacking the fine wood inlay with a hollow thunk.

  Wait...hollow?

  Once more, my finely tuned gaming senses tingled. Was it possible?

  I lifted the paintings - nothing. Twisted the sconces - nada. Lifted the candles from them...yes! Something made a clunking noise, and a section of the wall slid open to reveal an ornately carved wooden door. If Dave had been there at the moment, I’d have kissed him.

  The door was probably locked - which would have been a problem had I not possessed the augmented strength of the undead.

  I grasped the handle, intent on turning it until the tumbler inside shattered. Typically, I wasn’t really gung-ho on destroying antiques, but this was owned by vampires, and they could mostly go fuck themselves. To my surprise, though, it opened with a click - unlocked. Odd.

  Waiting a moment to see if it exploded or shot poison darts at me - as any good adventurer would d
o - I finally opened it up and stepped inside, praying it was the way out.

  It wasn’t.

  * * *

  Whoa. It was another hall...no, screw that. It was more like a full luxury apartment - one made for a king.

  A hallway led forward. There were open doorways on both sides leading to rooms, each putting my humble abode back in Brooklyn to shame. There was a small library with rich mahogany shelves stacked with ancient-looking books and scrolls. Another room appeared to be an office that would have made any corporate executive weep with joy. It practically exuded authority, with walls covered in expensive-looking paintings - most of them depicting scenes of a black horse charging into battle. Jeez. Someone must have a My Little Pony fetish.

  It wasn’t all old, mind you. There was a living room, dominated by expensive leather chairs with a huge flat-screen TV hanging from one wall over a fireplace. Whoever lived here certainly wasn’t suffering from want.

  I stepped through the doorway at the end and entered into a massive bedroom. It was like stepping into some sort of sultan’s fantasy. A huge bed, covered in satin sheets and pillows, dominated one side. There was an in-floor bath, a steam room, changing area, another TV...you name it. There was no way one could own a bachelor pad like this and not be swimming in pussy.

  I was beginning to get an inkling as to who might call this place home, when all doubt was erased. Of all the places in this dump I could’ve stumbled, it had to be his.

  Towering over the center of the room - standing out like a sore thumb - was a marble statue, nine feet tall and obviously carved by a master craftsman. Every inch was well defined in painful detail. Even the veins on the muscles were plainly visible. It was blindingly white in color, so the mismatched eyes weren’t apparent, but the resemblance was uncanny nevertheless - Alexander.

  I took it in, head to toe, noting it was quite anatomically correct, although I had to question whether certain aspects were more a result of his overinflated ego than reality. Talk about being full of yourself. Vampires as a whole tended to be egomaniacal, but this guy put them all to shame. He made Vanity Smurf look humble in comparison.

  Oh well, this was all fine and good, but it wasn’t helping me find a way out.