The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters

by Rick Gualtieri

“I can feel a horrible death heading Kelvin’s way, Bill.”

  Ed chuckled - the dick - but I gritted my teeth and ignored him. “Let’s just say you really don’t have to worry about infection anymore.”

  “Why?”

  “What do you remember before waking up here?”

  “A lot of fucked-up dreams about being picked up and dropped.”

  “Um...before that.”

  “Oh, I’d been taking tissue samples from that head you gave me. I was just about to saw it open to get to the brain when the damn thing opened its eyes.”

  “You were sawing its skull open?” Ed asked.

  “Sure, why not?” He turned to my roommate and sniffed the air. “Hey, are you wearing aftershave? Smells...oddly appetizing.”

  Uh oh. “Let’s focus here.” I snapped my fingers in front of Dave’s eyes. “About the head...”

  “Yeah, surprised the shit out of me. But it was awesome, too. Survival post-decapitation. I mean, I knew you guys had some serious recuperative abilities, but that shit was beyond anything I ever expected.”

  “Us guys.”

  “Huh?”

  “Never mind. Go on.”

  “Anyway, I wasn’t sure how extensive it was - he looked in pretty rough shape. So I dumped out my fish tank...”

  “You have fish?”

  “Not anymore. Anyway, I did the best I could with the materials on hand. I immersed it in a solution of plasma and saline. The reaction was almost instantaneous.”

  “Reaction?”

  “Spontaneous regeneration. The damn thing soaked up that solution like a sponge. I stepped out to use the can and came back to find an extra fifteen inches of spinal cord growing out of its neck, and it didn’t stop there.”

  “I can imagine.”

  “That’s when I called you. I was going out of my mind with the possibilities...”

  “And then what happened?” Even though I asked the question, I’d pretty much already filled in the blanks. What happened had beaten the shit out of me, my roommate, and his car. What happened had chased us for a mile and ran us down. What happened had put my formerly living friend into his current state.

  “I figured I’d refill the tank and hit the hay after sealing things up for the night. When I got my stuff together and looked up, though, I saw it had partially regrown an arm and then...”

  Dave trailed off, and reached up to his throat with his uninjured hand. It didn’t take a PhD in psychoanalysis to see he was piecing together the rest. He pressed two fingers to his carotid artery to check for a pulse, kept them there for several seconds, then sighed. “Did I at least have a nice funeral?”

  “I didn’t get a chance to send flowers.”

  “We were too busy getting our asses kicked,” Ed added.

  Dave smiled and once more gave my roommate the once over. Where the hell was Star with that blood?

  “Is it safe to assume since I’m here that you eventually won?”

  “Sorta,” I muttered, finding something interesting on the far wall to stare at.

  “What happens now?”

  “You stay here.”

  “I have an apartment, you know. A job...good thing I’m on the night shift.”

  “You can’t go back yet.”

  “Why? Is this some vampire thing?”

  “No, it’s kind of a police thing...as in they’re probably crawling all over the place right now. We may have trashed it a little bit saving you.”

  * * *

  Starlight finally returned with a small cooler full of blood packs, as well as a washcloth and a small medical kit. Ed made good use of the kit - taping some gauze to his neck. Surprisingly, it didn’t look all too bad once he’d cleaned it off. Dave wrapped the towel around his still oozing hand, then looked at me questioningly when I popped open the cooler.

  “Help yourself.”

  “This is kinda weird.”

  “Pretend you’re that necromancer you had us hunt down in the mountains of black ice.”

  “I’m not sure I want to.”

  I bent down and looked him in the eye. “Yes, you do. I’ve seen the way you’ve been eyeing the lone human here. It’s either this or I put a leash on you.”

  He tentatively reached for one of the packs, looking at it for a moment. His fangs descended out of pure instinct and all indecision fled his face. He hungrily tore into the plastic, sucking it dry within moments and making a mess out of things. Watching him reminded me of my own first hours as a vamp, except that I’d been forced to cut my new teeth on a sweaty naked guy.

  “Pretty good, eh?”

  Lust for more shone in his eyes, but he managed to restrain himself. “It was...okay. I think the donor was a little anemic.”

  “Show off.”

  “Is this really how you do it?”

  “Nope.” I grabbed a pack of my own and picked up a pair of scissors from a nearby desk. Neatly snipping it open, I took a sip. “I’m not a fucking slob.”

  * * *

  Between the two of us, we polished off the cooler. It felt good to be running on a full tank again. Once that was done, Starlight procured some clean clothes for Dave - no doubt appropriated from a previous victim. I told him to go wait in the back so he could shower off once Firebird was done - warning him against sneaking a peek. No fucking way was he getting more of a show on his first day as a vamp than I had in far too long of a time.

  The immediate crisis over, the rest of us took a moment to breathe. Monkhbat took up a post near the door. He wasn’t much of a conversationalist anyway. Hell, he was probably just waiting for the moment when he could send a carrier pigeon, or whatever, to let Gan know I was back.

  Ed had meandered over to the window and looked down on the city below while Starlight and I both grabbed a seat.

  “Are there any openings left in Village Coven, Star?”

  “A few. Before she left, Sally had brought us pretty close to quota. Since then, Firebird has added a few others too.”

  “With your blessing?”

  Her glare was all the answer I needed. “She’s older than me, so she naturally assumed she’d be next in line. That’s usually the way it works.”

  “It didn’t work that way with me.”

  “I know, and Sally was pretty adamant about it - more so, even. In fact, she had a few choice words to say about Firebird.”

  I shrugged. Sally often had choice words for a lot of people.

  “Wonder what’s going on down there.”

  “Huh?”

  “Down on the street,” Ed said from the window. “I’m seeing a lot of flashing lights.”

  “It’s New York. Something is always burning, being robbed, or getting shot at.” I turned back to Starlight. “So anyway, do you think you could take Dave in?”

  “Don’t you mean we?”

  I raised my eyebrows, waiting for her to continue. “Oh, come on, Bill. This is your coven. I don’t care what Boston says. You were never beaten in fair combat and never stepped down. As far as I’m concerned, we’ve just been keeping your seat warm.”

  “Kind of like the Stewards of Gondor?”

  Starlight looked confused, but Ed chuckled from where he still stood. “Safe to say, I’d take her over Denethor any day of the week.”

  “Same here, bro,” I replied.

  “But you sure as shit ain’t no Aragorn.”

  “Hells, no. I’d have banged Eowyn before heading home to Arwen.”

  “Like you’d have a chance with either of them.”

  “Okay,” Starlight interrupted, “I have no idea what you two are talking about. Is that a yes or a no?”

  I hesitated to reply. Truthfully, I didn’t mind being outside of the management hierarchy. Hell, the only thing being Village Coven master had done for me was get my ass kicked several times over. It might have been easier to swallow had I access to all the benefits as well, but Sally had kept a tight rein on things.

  Then again, she wasn’t around, was she? No,
she was off taking her cut from the g-strings of Vegas strippers. Grrrr. The very thought steamed me. How the hell did she somehow wind up with all the cool gigs? Oh well, there were far more pressing questions at that moment. “Do I get the Black Amex?”

  Starlight looked as if I’d asked an incredibly stupid question. “Of course. Why wouldn’t you?”

  “Um...no reason.” I took a moment to spare a thought in Sally’s direction. Bitch! “Well, if you insis...”

  The building rumbled slightly and the glass in the windows rattled enough to divert my attention.

  “Whoa.”

  I turned to Ed. “What is it?”

  “There’s a lot of smoke down below - like something blew up.”

  “Oh?” I replied, not overly concerned. “Gas main?”

  “Maybe. Hard to say from up here.”

  “Well, let me know if you see a hundred-foot-tall marshmallow man.” I turned back toward Starlight. She was a much more pleasant form to hold my attention anyway. “Do you think the others will have any problems with it?”

  “Might be some complaining. There are a few jerks in the crowd.”

  “Asshole vampires? Say it isn’t so.”

  She laughed at that, one of the few vamps who truly understood. “Anyway, there might be a few protests, but Sally did a good job teaching most of them how the food chain works.”

  “I have no doubt.”

  “So what do you say? Will the Freewill grace Village Coven with his leadership once more?”

  Ed groaned, but I chose to ignore him. Despite my misgivings, it was hard to say no to Starlight and her big brown eyes - not to mention other tasty bits.

  I opened my mouth to reply, but whatever answer I might have voiced was lost, thanks to the door picking that exact moment to explode in a shower of splinters.

  Hail to the King, Baby

  Monkhbat reacted far faster than the rest of us - crouching into a defensive stance, despite the brunt of the debris hitting him. The second a form appeared through the wreckage, he was already moving. Gan had trained her people well.

  Sadly, all the training in the world was sometimes meaningless against raw power. He flew toward the door, dagger at the ready. His blade connected, slashing deeply into one heavily muscled arm of the intruder, but he might as well have been attacking with a toothpick. The battle was over a scant second later.

  Before he could further respond, Monkhbat was quite literally torn in half. His remains turned to ash before they even hit the floor.

  Stunned silence met our visitor’s approach as he stepped through the cloud that had been Gan’s assassin a moment before. He was a large man, over six and a half feet tall. Rippling muscle covered his bare chest, but at least he had the good graces to have covered up his junk since our last meeting - wearing a kilt made of various torn clothing fragments. I had little doubt they’d come from any new victims he’d managed to claim in the time since our last meeting.

  The ensuing hours had been kind to him. He no longer looked like a dried out octogenarian. Hell, he could have just stepped forth from a sword and sorcerer movie.

  It was his face that gave him away. I’d seen it before it had withered. The long, black hair and prominent chin - that looked strong enough to shatter a brick wall with just a sneer - were unmistakable.

  The dark forms on his body had clarified into tattoos. A moon and a sun sat on opposite shoulders, and a serpent wound across his chest, ending somewhere below his makeshift clothing. What was it with big dudes and ink? Oh well, I was probably just miffed that he pulled it off. What would have been a mural to loserdom on my body looked cool on this asshole.

  All things considered, though, discussing bitchin’ tats was probably not at the top of anybody’s list right at that moment.

  * * *

  “Starlight,” I said, keeping my eyes on the intruder, “take Ed. Go find Dave and Firebird and get the fuck out of here. Get to the safe house down on Fifth.”

  “But you just told him where...”

  “He doesn’t speak English. Trust me on this.”

  “Oh.”

  “Move it!”

  The shaved ape grinned as I spoke. Well, okay, hopefully he didn’t speak English. The truth was I didn’t know shit about this guy. Hell, I didn’t even have any idea how he’d tracked us down. We’d come in through the sewer. As sensitive as vamp nostrils were, they tended to be pretty useless when the distinct perfume of shit scented every single breath.

  Starlight took a step, but I felt the compulsion a split second before hearing it and immediately realized she wouldn’t get very far.

  “ATTEND ME!! KNEEL AND OBEY!!”

  Unlike the last time, this one was sent out in broadcast mode. It washed over me like a tidal wave and knocked me back several paces. Two of the windows in the office blew out from the force of it.

  Sirens blared below now that the thick glass was gone. In the back of my head, I wondered if this asshole had been the cause, but immediately dismissed it. It wasn’t the clearest day, but there was still enough sunlight to make it impossible for a vamp to walk around without plenty of cover. Considering Conan here was dressed for an outing at muscle beach, that ruled him out.

  I had no interest in the cops dragging me away on only my second day back. At the same time, however, I said a quick prayer that someone down below had noticed the debris raining down upon them and were heading up to investigate - hopefully, with lots and lots of guns.

  Forcing myself to focus on the task at hand, I quickly glanced back over my shoulder. Sure enough, Starlight was down on her knees. The doors opened in the back and both Dave and Firebird stepped through, their eyes completely glazed over. They joined Star in genuflecting before the powerful vamp who had summoned them. Thankfully, no others appeared. They must have vacated the building when told to. That only left...

  “Who the fuck is this guy, Bill?”

  My head whipped around. “How are you still standing, Ed?” It probably wasn’t the best time to ask such a question, but even so...what the hell?

  I had no clue as to how old this vamp was, but his compulsions were at least on the level with Francois’s - a seven-hundred-year-old former Nazi asshole of a vamp currently on the front lines up in Canada. He’d once thrown a casual compulsion at my friends and knocked them all for a loop. Yet Ed stood there now with nary a hint of shakiness.

  Unfortunately, a detailed analysis would have to wait. Our guest finally noticed my roommate’s presence. The big guy’s eyes darkened, and a look of pure rage came over his face. “Abominatio,” he spat through gritted fangs. Evidently, he was still a wee bit pissed at having his insides scorched. Some people just didn’t have a “forgive and forget” outlook on life.

  I’d love to say that Ed sprang into action, displaying a whole bevy of awesome new superpowers that he used to kick our foe’s ass, but that would be a load of Sasquatch shit. In actuality, he just stood there, unmoving like a deer in the headlights.

  Watching someone else being the target for a change wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I’d hoped, but that probably had something to do with my friend being in the crosshairs instead. Regardless, I wasn’t about to let this goon have Ed without a fight. “As soon as I have him distracted, get to the fucking elevator.”

  The vamp turned his head toward me, a look of contempt upon his face. Language barrier or not, it was painfully obvious I was planning something. Oh well, knowing something was a trap wasn’t quite as good as knowing what that trap was.

  “Don’t you mean the stairs?” Ed asked, his eyes firmly trained on the hostile in the room.

  “Nope. Take a look at this asshole. Do you think he knows what the fuck an elevator is?”

  “Good point. What are you gonna...”

  I was already on the move by the time he started the question. I grabbed the nearest desk and flung it at the roidhead, hoping perhaps he expected some drawn out exposition before the inevitable attack.

  The mostly parti
cle board construct - fucking cheap-ass Sally - slammed into him and shattered. Office supplies flew in all directions, but the impact didn’t even budge him an inch. So much for that strategy.

  The vamp merely sighed and shook his head as if judging my battle prowess to be lacking. Everyone’s a critic.

  I moved over to another desk, hoping that perhaps the owner had stocked it full of lead, but my meaning was hopefully clear. I might be a bug to him, but I could at least be an annoying bug.

  I smiled to let him know that.

  And then he was right in front of me.

  * * *

  Goddamn, I hated when older vamps did that. Talk about showing off.

  On the other hand, it did distract him from Ed.

  “Run!”

  To my roommate’s credit, he didn’t try to pull any stupid heroics. No shout of “Not without you!” No clumsy counterattack that would do nothing more than embarrass us both. He took the hint and got the fuck out of Dodge.

  Frankenstein’s monster glanced back toward him, which left me with the perfect opening. I may not be able to give Alex a run for his money on the battlefield, but I knew an opening for a cheap shot when I saw one.

  I’d learned one very important lesson within the first ten minutes of waking up as a vampire: our nerve endings worked just fine. Some vamps might have a higher tolerance for pain than others, but a good shot to the family jewels was still the great equalizer for anyone with a Y chromosome.

  I brought my knee up and felt it solidly connect. I’d hoped to double the motherfucker over, maybe give me an opportunity to slam a stake through his ribcage. He definitely felt it. The roar of rage that escaped his lips was testament to that. His eyes narrowed, and he dropped a hand to cradle his damaged goods, but sadly, that was the extent of my blow’s effect.

  Oh crap. I metaphorically felt my blood run cold. You know you’re up against a tough hombre when the universal calling card for male agony doesn’t end the fight.

  While I was debating my next move, he made his. He lashed out with his other arm and caught me square in the chest.

  Blood sprayed from my mouth as my ribs shattered, and then I was airborne, flying as if I’d just been launched out of a catapult. All the while, the two present members of Village Coven - my coven - along with one potential inductee continued kneeling on the ground like a group of sorry sycophants.