The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters

by Rick Gualtieri

  Jason Cohen, as he introduced himself, was in town from Arizona visiting some college pals. He’d been looking for a friend working at Vekter Corp and had read the directory in the lobby wrong. Poor schmuck. Two floors lower and he’d probably be enjoying a nice lunch as opposed to being stuck in a six by eight box with a guy who looked like he’d just been punched through a wall.

  He seemed nice enough, but I still gave him a fake name. Let’s be realistic: I’d still pointed a gun at him, and wasn’t quite up to snuff with compelling a human to forget. Starlight or Firebird might’ve been able to pull it off, but I had no idea where they were or in what shape they were in after the compulsion took hold. I could only hope that they’d all snapped out of their trances before they could hurt anyone, specifically Ed.

  The conversation finally turned toward something I had an actual interest in: the weird shit going on in the world recently. Apparently, there were people missing in his town via mysterious circumstances. Jason began to tell me of the crazies who were spreading the word that ape men did it - oh boy - when more noises began to reach my enhanced hearing.

  They weren’t good ones.

  The first sounded like something heavy crumbling. The elevator gave the slightest shake, but my companion seemed not to notice as he changed topics to rave about his fantasy football team.

  “Hold on,” I said, putting up a hand to silence him.

  “What is it?”

  “I think I heard something.”

  “You think they’re coming to get us out?”

  “Uh, sure,” I lied, hoping he’d shut up so I could listen to what was really going on beyond our little slice of heaven.

  “Awesome.” He stood and began to pound on the door. Not quite the reaction I’d been going for. “Hey! Let’s go, assholes! I gotta take a piss.”

  Real classy. Unfortunately, he was also talking over everything else. I was only catching bits and pieces whenever he stopped to take a breath. More crashes, closer. Wait...was that a scream? Shit! I couldn’t hear myself think with this fucking rube rambling on. “Do you mind shutting the fu...”

  The squeal of metal tearing drowned out the rest. The entire car lurched and nearly knocked us off our feet. What the fuck?

  “What the hell is going on?” he asked. “I thought only California had earthquakes.”

  Before I could correct him that New York had its fair share of minor tremors too, there came another sound just beyond our walls - a snarl of rage.

  Oh no.

  It couldn’t be.

  There’s no fucking way he could have...

  “Get away from...”

  My warning came too late.

  My ex-hostage had just enough time to turn toward me questioningly when a muscular arm tore through the doors of the elevator, the claws rending the metal like paper.

  It grasped blindly for a moment, then fell upon the surprised Jason’s head from behind. The clawed fingers slid into his mouth for purchase...ewww.

  The arm retracted, pulling its prize toward the hole it had created.

  “Shit!”

  Before he could be yanked all the way through, I grabbed hold of Jason’s legs and tried to pull him back in - putting everything I had into it.

  Unfortunately, I didn’t take into account the inevitable conclusion when two vampires played tug of war with a human body.

  Let’s just say it wasn’t the best plan I’d ever had.

  Tactical Retreat

  There was a strangled cry, followed by a snap, and then I finally succeeded in pulling most of Jason back in with me. Sadly for him, that didn’t include the part of his head above the jawline.

  There came a sickening crunch of bone from outside, leading me to conclude that the poor schmuck wouldn’t be getting an open casket funeral anytime soon. Then, the hand reached back in - grasping, clawing, and widening the hole.

  Being locked inside a small space with a pissed-off vamp, who I’d just shot full of silver and sent on a hundred-foot freefall to the street below, didn’t sound like the ideal situation for us to talk out our problems. That was confirmed when the brute peered into the hole he’d made. The look on his face was most certainly not a happy one. It became even less so once his eyes locked on mine.

  There was no way I was getting out of this one with a few amusing one-liners.

  “Here’s mud in your eye, fuckface.”

  Okay, so I was wrong. I tightened my grip on Jason’s body and squeezed it as hard and fast as I could. The result was not unlike stomping on a tube of toothpaste. A gout of blood streamed out of it and straight into the ugly fucker’s mug.

  Temporarily blinded, he lunged forward, nearly entering the elevator car and continuing to grasp out before him.

  I backed up - nearly terrified out of my mind - but then realized his rage was, quite possibly, my only chance.

  Before I could talk myself out of it, I tossed Jason’s body into his claws. I felt bad about doing so, not to mention a wee bit grossed out, but it wasn’t like the poor guy was going to get killed any worse than he already had.

  The other vamp took hold of the corpse, perhaps thinking it was me. That gave me the opportunity to step up and sink my teeth into the meat of his forearm.

  It was time to show this asshole what being the Freewill was all about.

  * * *

  As usual, it didn’t take much to get me going. Thank goodness too, because I had a feeling he wasn’t going to stand there and let me continue gnawing on him.

  A mouthful of blood hit my stomach and went off like a supernova. Holy shit, this guy was older than I’d thought. I had never felt anything like it and wasn’t sure I ever wanted to again. There was something not right about it. Vampire blood typically tasted as good as human blood - to me, at least - as vile as that might sound, but the shit running through this guy’s veins had some kind of weird aftertaste. Ewww, skunked blood.

  It didn’t matter, though. I got what I needed - just in time for the rest of the wall to give way under his assault. My foe pulled his arm back, tearing the flesh in the process, as I wasn’t quite accommodating enough to actually let go.

  Speaking of going, it was time to do just that. Unfortunately, I only saw one way out and wasn’t looking forward to it. I’d always hated those freefall rides at the amusement part. Sadly, it was either up or down, and I hadn’t grown wings the last time I checked.

  Putting all of my stolen strength to use, I dropped to one knee and brought both fists down onto the floor of the elevator like a pile driver. The car lurched from the impact. I raised my hands and pounded them down again before that monster could fully force his way in.

  There came the pained groan of metal tearing free from its moorings and then, just as I was about to do it once more, the floor gave way and I began to plummet.

  A clawed hand scraped against my forehead, momentarily snagging my hair, but thankfully, with all the blood flying around, it was like trying to catch a greased pig. I slipped from Ragnar the Viking’s grasp and found myself screaming downward at a breakneck pace.

  Now all I had to do was hope the old saying wasn’t true: falling isn’t bad, but it’s the landings that are a killer.

  * * *

  Amazingly enough, it wasn’t that bad - and by that, I mean it was a lot worse. I landed on my side, shattering my arm, ribcage, and probably a whole lot of other body parts I was fond of. Concrete wasn’t exactly the softest thing in the world to land on from a swan dive.

  I let out a cry of pain, which quickly turned to one of surprise as something thudded down next to me. If he’d followed, I’d be...

  Thankfully, it was just Jason’s mutilated corpse. Damn, they were gonna need a squeegee to pick all of him up.

  Even so, if I didn’t get going, the next thing that landed was probably gonna be a shitload less friendly.

  I gritted my teeth and prepared for the agony of moving, but amazingly, I was able to stand just fine. In the time it had taken to have the shit scar
ed out of me, the worst of the injuries had healed.

  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again - being an ancient vampire rocks, at least in regard to having super powers. I just had to live long enough to make it there.

  Before I took off running, I risked a quick look up. High above, the light shone through the shattered elevator floor. A moment later, it was blotted out as something peered down at me.

  It was most certainly time to make like a tree.

  * * *

  Fortunately for me, I knew the basement quite well. I took off into the darkness, but had to stop about a dozen steps later. An unexpected coughing fit nearly doubled me over. Weird, but probably just a result of my internal injuries still healing. It passed after a moment and I kept moving.

  The lowest level of the building wasn’t quite the rat maze of tunnels you often see in a movie, but there were enough side rooms for maintenance, electrical, and storage to hopefully slow down any pursuit.

  I hoped the scent of blood from Jason’s body, of which there was plenty splattered about, was enough to confuse the big guy’s sense of smell as I re-entered the sewers and secured the grate above me.

  Even if it wasn’t, I was fairly sure my next move would more than make up for it. I launched myself off the walkway, straight into a pungent pile of filth, making sure to roll around for a nice even coating.

  Yes, it was absolutely fucking disgusting, but I’d seen it work before. Up in Canada, during the events that had started the world down its current path to damnation, I’d needed to take a dive into a pool of Sasquatch shit. It had been one of the more bizarre - not to mention putrid - experiences in my life, but it had done the job. The Feet, with their highly attuned nostrils, hadn’t been able to sniff me out. It was the same general principle here, or at least I hoped so.

  Somehow, that asshole had been able to track Ed and me when we arrived, a feat that I’d thought impossible, even for vamps. All I could hope was that this time my extra precautions would prove to be enough.

  I stood up, almost losing a shoe as I pulled myself free from the ass-spawned muck of a thousand burrito-loving New Yorkers, and turned in the direction of a place where I could hopefully catch my breath and regroup.

  Ready to put my stolen speed to good use, I took all of one step, then fell to my knees as my legs buckled. Spasms racked my body as pain shot up from my midsection.

  What in the name of...

  That thought needed to be put on hold, though, as my stomach gave a heave and I projectile vomited. A great gout of steaming puke splashed against the wall and hissed down it - quite literally. For a moment, I thought it was just the tears in my eyes causing it, but then I realized whatever I had upchucked was actually sparking.

  That was new. Even in the midst of my best college parties, I hadn’t seen anything like that - and believe me, I’d tasted the rainbow from both directions during those days.

  What the hell? Was it because of all the silver I’d shot that vamp with or something else? I had no idea and really couldn’t afford the time to dwell upon it.

  My stomach heaved again, filling my mouth with the unpleasant taste of blood-infused bile, but it was more an aftershock than anything else. I waited a moment, well aware that my time might be running short, then tried to stand.

  My legs were still a bit shaky, but they held - if just barely. I’d expected to race through the sewers at break-neck speed, losing my opponent in the maze of fetid tunnels. Now, I’d be lucky to manage a brisk walk.

  But walk I could.

  I might be caught, but it sure as hell wouldn’t be from standing still.

  I steadied myself and started down the damp tunnel, hoping that whatever luck had abandoned me this day might decide to return to my side.

  Calling in the Calvary

  Thankfully, I felt mostly normal again by the time I’d gone about a block. Whatever strength I’d stolen from that monster had fled as soon as my stomach decided to ride the vomit comet. Luckily, I didn’t need it for something as simple as a trek through the NYC sewer system.

  Doubly awesome was that my little ruse of rolling around in stinking shit appeared to have worked. I didn’t sense anything pursuing me - aside from maybe the occasional curious rat. I was still cautious, though, and walked in the water whenever I could so as not to leave any obvious footprints.

  Goddamn. Had those useless seers told me that treading through piss-water was in my future, I might have just stuck around and been Alex’s poster boy for the war effort. Oh well, what was done was done. It had all been worth it too, for the look on his face when I locked him in with Druaga. I had little doubt who’d ended up the bitch in that prison block.

  I pushed that amusing thought aside for now, though, having far more important things to worry about - my friends, for starters. I hated flying blind with no insight on anything save that my best efforts to kill a half-naked maniac had failed miserably.

  It blew my mind. How the fuck had he survived? The fall itself was easily explainable. It seemed that Gan had apparently survived a much higher drop. The rest, though, was unbelievable - fifty calibers of silver-plated lovin’, followed by a nice relaxing nap in the daylight. It just didn’t make sense. Of all the vampires that I could have resurrected, I had to somehow pick the last son of Krypton.

  Those thoughts continued to haunt me as I reached my destination: the sewer entrance to one of the coven’s safe houses. At least, I hoped it was still one of ours. Sally had purchased it with the intent of keeping its location a secret between the two of us until such time as others needed to know. That had lasted all of a day before the place had turned into a veritable flophouse, followed by the prerequisite raid by the police.

  Fuck it. It was all I had left. What was the worst that could happen? Well, I guess a shit covered creature of the night emerging into some family’s living room was one possibility, but screw it. That would be their problem.

  Almost to my surprise, nothing of the sort happened. I had to bust two locks, which caused a loud racket - one that hopefully no vamps were in earshot of. Finally, I ascended from the tunnels to find that not only was the place still seemingly owned by Village Coven - the mystical sigils designed to ward off scrying by mages evident on the walls - but that the security code for the alarm hadn’t been changed. Thank goodness. The last thing I needed were bells or whistles going off - or blowing up. I never was quite certain what surprises Sally left behind for uninvited guests.

  Unsurprisingly, the place was unoccupied. Covens tended to frown upon members using safe houses for anything outside of emergencies. Considering the events at the office, though, I felt comfortable in assuming that this qualified.

  I closed up behind me, rearmed the security system, and dragged the refrigerator out of the kitchen to prop against the sub-basement entrance. None of that would stop an ancient vamp from trying to get in, but it would hopefully give me enough warning to escape through the front door if I needed to.

  I’d been angry with Sally for up and ditching the coven just for an opportunity to shake her ass on stage again. Now some of that anger dissipated a bit as I took a look around and realized she’d stocked this place with everything I needed to hole myself up for a while.

  More specific for my immediate needs, there was an unopened cell phone in one drawer with a small pile of calling cards next to it. I cracked it open, loaded up the minutes, and dialed Ed.

  Thank goodness my roommates had a clue as to how this espionage shit worked. Unfamiliar number or not, the call was answered on the third ring.

  “This had better be you, Bill.”

  “Who the fuck else would call your ugly ass?” I asked, inwardly breathing a sigh of relief at hearing his voice.

  “You okay?”

  “Sorta. You?”

  “As soon as the elevator opened, I hauled ass out onto the street.”

  “Smart boy.”

  He put a Southern twang into his voice. “My mama didn’t raise her no dipshits.
”

  “That’s debatable.”

  “So what happened? All hell seems like it’s breaking loose.”

  “Seems?”

  “For starters, there were cops everywhere. Thought I was gonna get my ass shot off for a moment there. They grabbed me the second I walked out and started grilling me about what was happening inside.”

  “What’d you tell them?”

  “I took a page out of your book.”

  “Played dumb?”

  “Bingo.”

  I smiled into the receiver. That we could still joke so easily after all we’d seen was near amazing. “So what happened then?”

  “You tell me. There was a crash down the block. Sounded like something heavy landed. Your doing?”

  “Might have been.”

  “Whatever it was, it got everyone’s attention. They forgot about me and I made it a point to get the fuck out of there.”

  There came a muffled beep in the background, followed by the hum of an engine. “You in a cab?”

  “Car service.”

  “Heading home?”

  “Taking the scenic route. I was hoping you’d call.”

  “You’d better not be on speaker.”

  “Don’t worry. The privacy glass is closed.”

  “Privacy glass?”

  “One of the perks of my new position.”

  After muttering a few unkind words about the unfairness of his new job, I turned the discussion back toward what had happened since his departure - minus maybe my roll in shit. He hadn’t seen Starlight or any of the others during his escape. I was split on that. It told me nothing of their whereabouts or condition. At the same time, any such run-in wouldn’t have been particularly healthy for Ed if they were still under compulsion. He was likewise none too pleased to hear about the massive amounts of damage that our attacker had somehow managed to shake off.

  I wasn’t overly joyed at that part myself.

  * * *

  “I want you to get out of town. Maybe head to your stepfather’s place. Grab Tom and Christy, if you can, on the way.”