The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters

by Rick Gualtieri

  “So you’re saying that Alexander kept you prisoner in your Freewill state all this time?”

  “Yep.”

  “And both Theodora and Yehoshua were aware?”

  “Apparently, they weren’t the only ones. A whole shitload of vamps saw me, including these blind weirdos sniffing glue fumes in a cave...well, okay, maybe they didn’t see me per se, but...”

  “This is most disturbing.”

  “Well yeah, if I had to cut out my eyes every hour I wouldn’t be too...”

  “Not that. We had all assumed that you’d been lurking in the tri-state area, but all along...”

  “I was in vampire central?”

  “Evidently.”

  A small touch of paranoia crept up my spine. “And you didn’t know about it?”

  “This is the first I’ve heard of it.”

  “But you’re a member of the Drac...First Coven.”

  “As I am well aware. I have been stateside during most of your absence and...”

  “Most?”

  “I visited Chateau Chillon once, two months back, to discuss negotiations with the Jiangshi.”

  “Who?”

  “It is of no real concern to our current discussion. What is, is that I was never given any reason to believe you were close. I spent a good deal of time by Alexander’s side. He had more than ample opportunity to tell me.”

  “Well, I’m sure you two will have plenty to talk about in the coming days, but right now, we have a bigger issue. That vamp I told you about is trashing the fucking place.”

  “We may have to agree to disagree on what is truly the more important issue. I am aware of the crimes of the decollari kept within the walls of...”

  “Deco...”

  “The bodiless,” he replied dismissively, as if that weren’t an entirely creepy-ass thing. “They are mostly a combination of political dissidents and those who have failed the First in endeavors where it was deemed necessary for examples to be made of them.”

  Ugh, I really didn’t need to be reminded. Once, not so long ago, a former member of the Draculas had deemed me in need of being made such an example. That was in the past, though. I had more pressing matters. “Believe me, James, this asshole wasn’t waving around anti-abortion signs or anything like that. I sincerely doubt he was a political prisoner.”

  “That may just be a simple matter of the difference in age between you.”

  “No. I’m telling you, I emptied a full clip of fifty-caliber silver slugs point blank into this motherfucker and he still kept coming. Fuck, I pushed him out a window in the middle of the day, and the next thing I knew, he was punching a hole in the wall to get to me.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “If I’m lying, I’m dying...hell, if that guy catches up to me, I’m probably doing that anyway.”

  “I suppose it doesn’t hurt to have Colin research this. Can you describe him?”

  I was going to do so anyway, but the fact that it was going to cause Colin at least some minor grief made it that much more delicious. Potentially getting some help while pissing off an asshole definitely counted as killing two birds with one stone in my book.

  I described my attacker, first in his naked old dude state, and then as he later appeared - doing his impersonation of Lou Ferrigno on crack. A faint scribbling sound in the background told me James was taking notes, either that or drawing caricatures of me with rude captions next to them. My vamp senses were good, but not that good.

  “Is that all? Any distinguishing body marks?”

  “Not that I...oh yeah, the guy was all tatted up. He had this snake motif sneaking down his chest. Pretty badass. There was also a sun and moon thing going on with his shoulders. As for what he was wearing, now that was kinda...”

  “Hold on. Did you say a sun and moon?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Black sun, black moon?”

  I snickered at hearing the Conan quote. “Yeah, he tried to sell haga to us too, but a slayer such as me wasn’t having any of that shit...”

  “I’m serious.”

  “Oh. Yeah, I guess. They were definitely dark.”

  James took a deep breath, as if contemplating something. “That is not possible.”

  “Tell me about it. I mean, I know us vamps regenerate, but how the fuck do tattoos grow back?”

  “Can we please focus here?” The temperature seemed to go out of the room as he snapped at me. Of course, my current lack of pants probably didn’t help either.

  “Okay...so what’s the big deal with the tattoos?”

  “Which symbol was on his right shoulder?”

  I forced myself to bite back any more wiseass remarks and simply answered, “Sun.”

  Again, he said, apparently more to himself than me, “That is simply not possible. They were all wiped out, purged.”

  “Who?”

  “You are to stay where you are. If that is not possible, then I want you to keep a phone on your person at all times. If anything changes at all, you are to inform me immediately.” Once more, the tone of his voice had changed from that of a friend to a commander who wasn’t about to take any shit from his troops.

  I was probably pushing my luck, but I’d been through too much to just nod and smile. “Why?”

  “Because I am coming down to you. This must be dealt with posthaste.”

  “What must be dealt with?”

  “You have no idea what you’ve possibly done, do you? If the cul...” He paused as if censoring himself. “If they are allowed to rise again now, we will surely fall before our foes. Now give me your address.”

  I had no idea what he was talking about. Somehow, though, I wasn’t surprised to hear that I’d, once again, screwed the pooch.

  If it wasn’t for shit luck, I’d have no luck at all.

  Top Headlines for the Day

  James’s words didn’t make much sense to me. I mean, as freaky as that vamp had been, I wasn’t quite sure how one crazy shirtless guy was going to take down the entire vampire race. Still, if something was serious enough to bother the normally unflappable James, it was probably best not to completely blow it off.

  I was busy mulling things over when the downstairs buzzer sounded. Still deep in thought, I opened the door for my friends. Tom stepped inside, looking somewhat paler than usual. “Have you been watching the...dude, why the fuck are you dressed like an escapee from Victoria’s Secret?”

  I stared blankly at him for a moment before realizing what I was still wearing. “For you, of course. My months of captivity convinced me that we were meant to be together.”

  Ed smirked from behind as a look of something akin to horror passed through Tom’s face. “Really?”

  “No, not really, fucktard. My clothes still have five minutes left in the dryer. Now get the hell in here before the wind blows the front of this thing open.”

  * * *

  I retrieved my clean clothing and got dressed, much to all of our relief, then joined them in the living room. “Okay, so what were you babbling about before being consumed by jealousy of my manhood?”

  “Yeah, like that’s possible. I didn’t realize the dungeon they kept you in was airtight.”

  “Can we stow the bullshit for five minutes, kiddies?” Ed snapped. “I’m thinking we should be concentrating on more important things, like getting the fuck out of here.”

  “Why? I thought that...”

  “Change of plans. Everything is going crazy out there.”

  “That’s what I was trying to say,” Tom said. “Have you been checking out the TV?”

  “No,” I replied. Perhaps I should have paid better attention to all the sirens and flashing lights that had been passing by. “But seriously, how much damage could one vampire do?”

  “I don’t think it’s just one vampire. Turn on the news.”

  * * *

  ...The Coast Guard is still searching for survivors after a ferry bound for Staten Island capsized. Witnesses claim it wasn’t an
accident, describing to police the impossible - a collision with a creature sporting an eight-foot-tall serrated fin...

  ...resulting in an explosion of green flame that consumed nearly all of Castle Point...

  ...attacked by a being that is being described as having superhuman strength and speed. This is the second tragedy to befall this building this year. Just three short months ago, it was the scene of a terrorist attack...

  ...residents in all three boroughs are urged to remain indoors...

  * * *

  What the fuck? It was like the world picked the past twenty-four hours to go crazy. Almost like...no, that couldn’t be. Could I have somehow set this off? Maybe I’d been some sort of catalyst that...

  ...were saved by what residents are claiming was a glowing blonde warrior, surrounded by what one witness described as an aura of angelic fire...

  Tom clicked the television off.

  “Wait, what was...”

  “Dude, and that’s not even half of it.” He stepped between me and the boob tube. “I’m pretty sure we saw a fucking pterodactyl flying over the Brooklyn Bridge.”

  That caught my attention. “A pterodactyl?”

  “It wasn’t a pterodactyl,” Ed said. “It was more like a gargoyle.”

  “Fuck that. Gargoyles are made of stone. This was...”

  “Does is really matter?” I asked. “Seriously, neither of those things should be here. This is like arguing that the Easter Bunny is more real than Santa Claus. Speaking of mystical creatures, where’s Christy?”

  Tom frowned at that. “She’s put on a little weight, but she’s not that big yet.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Oh. She’s been putting together a new coven.” When he saw the look on my face, he quickly added, “One that’s a lot less focused on killing you.”

  “Good to know.”

  “Anyway, one of the new recruits is from Connecticut and she was hosting their gathering this week.”

  “Did you let her know she should stay away from the city?”

  “No cell phones allowed in the mystic circle.”

  “Wonderful. Leave her a message for when she’s done...communing, or whatever it is they’re doing.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “Good idea. I hadn’t thought of that.” Same old Tom.

  He walked off into the kitchen to call Christy, leaving Ed and me to converse.

  I shifted in my seat, making myself comfortable as I prepared to deliver the news. “I can’t leave.”

  “The hell you can’t. We need to get up to Boston and convince them that...”

  “That’s why I can’t leave. Boston is coming down to us.”

  “Not another assassination squad?”

  “I’m pretty sure it’s not. James is on the way.”

  Ed looked impressed. “The big man himself? Awesome. Think he’ll be able to take out Hercules?”

  “If anyone can, it’ll be him.”

  “What if he can’t?”

  “Then we probably thank our lucky stars we don’t get to live long enough to see the end of the world.”

  “Good thing I’ve been neglecting my 401K.”

  “Corporate douche.”

  “Unemployed loser.”

  “Touché.”

  * * *

  After leaving a message for Christy, Tom rejoined us. I filled him in on James’s impending arrival. Like Ed, he also refused to heed common sense and get away from the city - preferring to stand by my side.

  It was both maddening and touching at the same time, reminding me of how alone I had felt upon awakening in that dungeon. The depths of despair had sent me there to begin with, but I was forced to rethink that in their presence. At the same time, I still wasn’t comfortable with it. Both of them had been hurt following me around. Hell, I still wasn’t sure that either of them was entirely okay.

  Ed, proving to be far more empathic than I would have ever guessed, took a look at my face and promptly smacked me upside the head. “Knock it the fuck off. We’re adults, and you’re sure as shit not our dad.”

  Can’t argue against logic like that.

  That said, all that was left was to kill however many hours it took until James arrived to vastly augment our little group’s strength. Thankfully, wasting time was a skill that none of us had lost during my long sojourn.

  * * *

  “When I go to sleep at night, the last thing I think about is...”

  “A good long shit.”

  “Hitler’s dick.”

  “No contest. Bill takes this round.” Tom handed me the token. We were playing some card game I’d found in one of the desk drawers to help pass the time. Everything about it had a perverted bent. I had to admit, it was a shitload more fun than poker.

  Darkness had fallen, yet the chaos hadn’t subsided. The power had flickered for about an hour and then finally gone out, leaving us without a TV to keep us informed as to what was going on out in the world. The only thing I knew for sure was I could still hear the occasional whine of sirens in the distance.

  “What if he can’t get in?” Ed took the deck from Tom and reshuffled it in the dim candlelight. “The bridges were crazy enough early on. I gotta imagine they’re not going to get any better.”

  “If shit gets bad enough, the cops might even close them down.”

  “Do you think any of that will stop James?” I asked.

  They both grinned. The answer was obvious.

  * * *

  My faith in James was rewarded about twenty minutes later when he arrived. I almost shut the door after he stepped in before realizing he wasn’t alone. I had thought this’d be a solo mission, but a woman followed him in. Despite wearing heels, she made no noise as she walked - not even enough to set off my vampire senses. The newcomer was tall and thin - big surprise - with her dark hair pulled up in a severe bun. I took a moment to admire her attractive features - throwing a smile at her that wasn’t returned - when I realized she looked vaguely familiar.

  “Wait a second, didn’t...”

  “We met once in Boston,” she replied in a no-nonsense fashion. “I believe it was your first visit. You and your friend were busy disrupting my department.”

  The pieces fell into place. She was right. It had been my first trip up there - in an undead capacity, that is. I’d been amazed at the sight of zombies performing office duties and had gotten a little carried away. Sally had been in the middle of bitching me out when this woman had appeared and brow beaten us both. “Are you...”

  “Prefect Calibra, although you may address me by my name alone as long as you continue to remember my rank.”

  “O-kay. Bill Ryder at your service.”

  There came a snicker from further in the room. Tom, no doubt. The dude really didn’t have any control.

  Calibra stepped around me and in front of James. “Why are there living unthralled humans in a coven safe house?” Her tone was defensive, bordering on dangerous.

  “It is quite all right, my dear,” he replied smoothly. “They are the Freewill’s friends.”

  “Friends or not, they are unauthorized to be here. The lawful coven master has not sanctioned it, and the sensitivity of what we are...”

  “I can assure you that Dr. Death has already told his friends everything.” He cast a sidelong glance at me, to which I grinned guiltily. “I will vouch for their discretion as they were both present at the Woods of Mourning summit. Our secrets are quite safe with them.”

  Safe was a relative concept. Upon our return from that failed peace conference, I’d had to perform a factory reset on Tom’s phone to keep him from uploading pictures of Grulg, one of the Bigfeet, to Facebook.

  Seeking to turn the conversation away from my roommates, I locked the door and said, “I’m glad you’re here, James. Although I thought you were coming alone. After what you said...” I trailed off, then inclined my head toward Calibra. Her lips had pursed into a thin line. “No offense, Prefect.”

  “It
is simple, really,” he replied. “Before I could leave the premises, I was helpfully reminded that the covens of the Northeast are under her protection. Any transgressions against them fall under her jurisdiction.”

  “Thank you for not taking offense, Wanderer.”

  “I never take offense at reminders of protocol, my dear,” he said before addressing me again. “It is well within her rights to accompany me. Although, due to the potentially sensitive nature of this information, I insisted the rest of the Boston staff remain in the dark for now.”

  “So no Colin?” I asked hopefully.

  “Colin is my personal assistant and confidant. As such, he is aware of the situation, but offered to remain in Boston so as to research this matter further.”

  “How noble of him.”

  “Do not dismiss him so quickly. I am well aware of my assistant’s strengths and weaknesses. There are few amongst our ranks who possess his ability to traverse our myriad archives with...”

  Blah blah blah. I purposely tuned him out and focused instead on the bottom line: the douchebag wasn’t here. If he were, I’m sure he’d find some excuse to push me in front of the first bus that came along - metaphorical or not.

  Albeit, I considered as once more I heard the whine of a siren as it passed by outside, there was still more than a fair chance of that happening as the night wore on.

  Hell, it was more of a question of when than if.

  Stake Out

  I wasn’t sure which hurt more: the solid concrete support pillar that had ever so gently halted my intended trajectory, or the aluminum baseball bat that had sent me flying through the air.

  Either way, my body was pounded into a nicely bruised mush. Oh well, it was my own goddamned fault anyway.

  First, there had been the bickering at the safe house. James had wanted someone to stay behind so as to keep in contact with Boston and report on the situation from a semi-secured location. The problem was nobody had wanted to do so.

  There was no fucking way I wanted another showdown with Brutus Beefcake without James by my side. Calibra had fucking protocol backing her up. Tom or Ed were both obvious candidates, but neither of them wanted the job and I really wasn’t big on forcing the issue. If that creep managed to pick up Ed’s scent again, it would end badly. Tom...well, who the fuck knows how that would have come back to bite me in the ass? I wouldn’t allow them to be compelled either, pulling what little rank as the Freewill that I could. Hell, I wasn’t certain it would have even worked on Ed, considering the weirdness from earlier.