The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters

by Rick Gualtieri

  * * *

  James wanted to waste no time, but then again, he hadn’t gotten his ass beaten down and then had to expend the energy to heal from it. We convinced him to give us fifteen minutes to get ready. He wasn’t happy about it, but was forced to acknowledge we all weren’t as invincible as he.

  Thankfully, with the town devoid of any other life of the non-plant variety, we didn’t need to be overly careful. Sally and I made a quick circuit of the courthouse sub-basement to look for any bottled blood, while Ed raided a nearby convenience store. The end spoils were very different, but the purpose was the same: making sure we weren’t running on empty before setting off on a twenty-five-mile hike.

  Unfortunately, any caravan is only as quick as its slowest member. We were hampered by two issues: it was still daylight and we had Ed with us. It most certainly didn’t help that he was starting to smell pretty goddamned ripe. Our pit stop hadn’t included time to find any shower facilities, so he was forced to live with the stench. With us in our daylight terrorist gear and him smelling like the inside of a jungle latrine, that pretty much ensured we wouldn't be hitching a ride once we’d found our way to a main road.

  That wasn’t in the cards anyway. It didn’t take a genius to realize that a missing town wasn’t exactly something that would go unnoticed. We hadn’t gone far when we heard the first helicopter. I looked up through the trees, thinking maybe a rescue mission had been sent for us, but it was pretty clear that it was just a news copter. Soon, others flew by overhead, more media and some police choppers as well.

  It was a fair bet that emerging from the woods onto a main thoroughfare would only put a massive spotlight on us from any rescue vehicles and curious onlookers wondering what the fuck had happened. James voiced as much and made us stick to the woods for several miles longer than was probably necessary, slowing us down even more.

  Hours later, the sun had finally begun its descent in the sky when Calibra stated, “Boston still reports all clear,” before putting her phone back into her pocket.

  “Yeah, I was meaning to ask about that,” I said, catching up to the two elder vamps at our vanguard. “Why haven’t either of you called for a pickup? Wouldn’t this be a shitload faster if they even sent a car for us?”

  James’s reply was a curt, “Keep walking, please.”

  I fell back to where the others were keeping pace - Sally attempting to stay slightly upwind of Ed. She shrugged, just as confused as I was. Ed’s look, however, conveyed an unspoken question I’d been expecting. But due to the overly sensitive ears just a few dozen steps ahead of us, it was better not to say anything. I merely gave my head a single shake. It was premature for that option anyway. Perhaps James had been wrong. Maybe Chuck was smart enough to ask the vamps he’d kidnapped about the situation and realized he didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of taking on the Boston facility with anything short of an army.

  Don’t get me wrong. I’d seen what this ass-cheese could do. He was one tough fucker, but he was still just one vamp, out of his own time and the last member of some radical sect that had been burnt to the ground. Conversely, who knew how many towns across the world had been instantly swallowed up like Norfolk? Who had any idea how many freaky-ass monsters were now loose, swimming in rivers like the Hudson or flying high above the buildings? Wasn’t all of that ultimately the bigger threat?

  As we continued walking, mostly in silence, save for the occasional snarky remark as to Ed’s odor, I realized I had far more questions than answers.

  Previously, things had been pretty black and white. I now realized that, in addition to being an uphill battle, the whole saving the human race concept was perhaps not as cut and dried as I thought it would be.

  Jeez, maybe I should’ve just stayed in my dungeon cell after all.

  The Office Park of Ultimate Doom

  The sun had set by the time we made it to the outskirts of Boston. Ed was wheezing pretty heavily from the extended hike, but otherwise, we were in fine condition.

  We were able to discard our coverings, which went a long way toward making us not look like a pack of roving weirdos. Any weapons that couldn’t be hidden on our persons Sally stuffed into her bag. I’m sure that didn’t exactly render it light, but she continued carrying it with no apparent discomfort. She even rolled her eyes when I tried to be a gentleman and offered to lug it for her. Chivalry is such a dead concept.

  With only a few miles left to go, James led us to a parking lot that didn’t appear to have a lot of foot traffic in it. Hell, come to think of it, I hadn’t seen a lot of traffic period since we’d emerged from the woods. For the suburbs of a major city, it was eerily quiet.

  He singled out a large SUV, a Nissan Armada, and put his hand on the door handle. I saw his muscles tense for a moment, but then he paused and turned toward the rest of us. “Sally, if you would kindly work your magic.”

  “My pleasure,” she replied with a smile.

  A few minutes later, we were cruising along in the stolen vehicle sans any visible damage. Calibra drove with James riding shotgun. The rest of us were in back with the windows rolled down to help dissipate Ed’s reek, a prospect that was only partially successful. I almost felt bad for the poor guy. I’d been on the receiving end of Sasquatch stink before and the only thing that had washed it off had been a prolonged soak in a raging river.

  Oh well. In a few minutes, we’d be locked up safe in the undead nerve center for this section of the country. I didn’t even have to worry about keeping an eye on my roommate. Anyone taking a nip from him would get the mother of all nasty surprises.

  Once there, we could maybe catch some shuteye and then figure out what the hell to do next. At the very least, I could amuse myself by gawking at all the zombies that were employed as clerical help in...

  The car swerved, knocking me into Ed - ugh, nasty - and the brakes squealed as we skidded to a halt. Thank goodness I was used to driving in my roommate’s old shit-bucket. It had taught me to appreciate wearing a seatbelt. “What the fuck?”

  “Zombie,” Sally said, turning around in her seat.

  “How’d you know I was thinking about...”

  “No, stupid. Back there.”

  I craned my neck to look out the back window. There were two figures in the middle of the road, both human in appearance. The only problem was that one was busy chewing on the other - ripping off hunks of flesh and stuffing them greedily into its mouth.

  “I repeat, what the fuck?”

  “Proceed, please.” James said evenly.

  “But, Wanderer, if that is one of...”

  “Proceed.”

  Calibra didn’t need to be told twice.

  Hell, I was tempted to get out and push.

  * * *

  We finally pulled into the car wash that served as the aboveground façade of the Boston compound. Although we’d only been driving for a short while, it felt like a lot longer than we’d been hiking. I tried to wrap my head around the zombie we’d seen. Aside from when one had bitten Tom’s hand - and let’s face facts, he’d deserved it - I’d never seen the slightest bit of aggression from any of the walking corpses in the employ of the vampire nation. Hell, if anything, I’d considered asking whether we could requisition a few for Village Coven, as they seemed pretty damned efficient.

  My mind raced back to Switzerland. Hadn’t Alexander proclaimed Druaga one of the lords of the dead? I had no idea what that really meant, but supposed it was possible he’d been pissed at my escape and decided we could go fuck ourselves. I couldn’t see why a death god wouldn’t be able to command...

  Gah, I had no idea. It was like I’d emerged from my hole in the ground to find a world similar to the one I remembered, yet topsy-turvy at the same time. I’d barely had a moment to myself long enough to take a shit, much less make sense of anything.

  Oh well, hopefully, once we were parked and nestled inside of Boston’s massive complex, we’d have a moment to think things through properly.

&n
bsp; Calibra rolled down her window for the attendant present - the only soul we’d seen out and about since the zombie. He simply nodded and pushed a button. Within seconds, we were diverted from the main track and into an underground garage - parking, I noted, in a much better spot than whenever I’d visited as a guest. Once more, I was forced to consider, with no small amount of amusement, how much Hollywood got wrong. On the big screen, the world of the undead was a dark place full of mysticism and terror. In reality, there was a disturbing amount of the mundane that anyone who’d spent any stint whatsoever within corporate America would instantly recognize.

  At least this time, we had the benefit of being with the main man himself. No having to sit around in waiting rooms dealing with Colin’s smarminess while he debated whether or not we were worthy of an audience. With any luck, James would transfer his foul mood toward his lackey. It was a petty hope, but fuck it. What good was being immortal if I didn’t allow myself the occasional dickish indulgence?

  As we entered an elevator leading - where else - down, I was forced to wonder whether entrances were this low key for all of the Draculas. Alexander certainly seemed to like his pomp and circumstance. James was different, though. Hell, he hadn’t even wanted to bother his people for a pick-up in the woods. The dude was as salt of the Earth as vamps got.

  The door dinged open and we stepped out. I tensed up, wondering what we’d find, but everything seemed to be business as usual. Vampires, most of them in typical corporate dress, scurried about performing what looked to be mundane tasks.

  A small part of me cringed as I watched them. While getting my ass kicked on a semi-regular basis wasn’t exactly a walk in the park, it was at least more interesting than being conscripted into middle management for all of eternity. I had liked my job at Hopskotchgames, but trust me, I wasn’t exactly ready to curl up and weep into my stew at losing it. A short vacation while I got my resume out there again didn’t seem like the worst thing in the world. Sure, I might need to bum some cash off my folks, but...oh, shit.

  I still needed to call them when I got five minutes to myself and make sure they were okay. Thankfully, I was fairly sure Scotch Plains, New Jersey was pretty damn low on the list of tactical targets in this war.

  James still looked tense as we walked through the halls, but I was relieved to see Calibra relax a bit. Various minions respectfully approached her for a signature or permission to do some bit of business or other. She waved most of them away, but took a moment to take care of a few quick inquiries.

  I glanced at Sally and Ed and they both shrugged. The feeling was mutual...much ado about nothing, I suppose.

  “So what’s the plan?” I asked, stepping forward to catch up with James.

  “The plan,” he said, “is for me to touch base with Colin and then convene a conclave of the First to discuss this issue. Beyond that, I cannot say more.”

  “Let me guess...need to know?”

  “Precisely.” He turned to address Calibra. “Kindly make sure our guests are comfortable, my dear. I will be heading to the lower levels. Please see that I am not disturbed. I will send for you once I am finished.”

  If she was curious - like I sure as shit was - she didn’t show it. She simply nodded, then turned to face the rest of us, blocking the path. Beyond her, James kept walking, barely acknowledging any of the vamps who scurried out of his path.

  “I take it we’re not invited,” Sally said.

  “The Wanderer shall be speaking with the rest of our masters. Such proceedings are not for the eyes of children.”

  “So we’re not allowed to watch whatever mystical ritual he uses to summon them?” Ed asked half-jokingly.

  “Hardly, human, unless you consider an encrypted video conference via our transatlantic fiber cables to be mystical.”

  “Wait, you have...”

  “Of course,” she said offhandedly, her look one of barely concealed impatience. “We have a multi-gigabit connection. This is the twenty-first century, after all.”

  “Uh, yeah,” I replied, a little dumbfounded. “So what do we do until then?”

  “I have business of my own to attend to.” She stopped and pointed toward her left. “There is a lounge down the hall. Please feel free to help yourself to any refreshments or,” she threw Ed a quick look of disgust, “freshen up a bit. When you are finished, you may make yourself comfortable in my waiting area. I believe you know the way.”

  She turned and walked away with no further fanfare, her pace brisk and business-like. After about ten paces, though, she stopped and once more faced us. “I will, of course, stress that you are not to do anything that would disrupt this place of business.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it,” the three of us replied in unison.

  * * *

  “This is some good shit,” Ed replied as he sipped a cup of steaming coffee. “Nice to see they don’t cheap out on everything.”

  I offered him my cup. “You should try it with some blood.”

  “Pass.”

  “You don’t know what you’re missing.” I turned, waiting to see if Sally had some snarky comment of her own to make, but she just sat in a chair, her own cup untouched in front of her.

  I stepped over and took a seat opposite her. “What’s the matter? You switch to decaf in my absence?”

  “Not this century,” she replied with a quick grin before turning serious again. “Something about this whole thing isn’t right.”

  I opened my eyes wide in mock surprise. “Really? You’re just catching on to this now? What parts aren’t right: the uber vamp who kidnapped our coven, the fact that the Feet should now be called the Arms, or maybe all the fucking monsters running about and making themselves at home?”

  Ed chimed in. “Me having anti-vampire blood, the fact that Bill managed to wreck my new car within twelve hours of returning home, that sk...”

  “Never gonna let me forget that, are you?”

  “Not as long as you live.”

  “No. It’s not about any of that shit.” Sally slammed her cup down, spilling all of the awesome coffee goodness inside. Some things should really be a crime. “James isn’t himself. I’ve never seen him act like this before. And this place...” She waved her hands about. “There’s something off.”

  “I haven’t noticed it.”

  “Same here,” Ed added. “Seems pretty much to be running like the last time I was here - vampires performing menial office...”

  “Vampires,” Sally said, cutting him off. “That’s exactly the problem. Where are the fucking zombies? They should be out there in droves, pushing papers and shit.”

  She stood up. “I have a bad feeling the one we saw out on the streets wasn’t some aberration or stray.”

  “You think it was one of ours?”

  “Could be. Why else would James have told that bitch to floor it instead of investigating? Something is wrong, and he’s well aware of it.”

  The sound of movement caught our attention and we turned to the entrance of the lounge. My jaw nearly hit the floor as I spied the source.

  Firebird was standing there.

  Her clothes were torn and her eyes appeared a bit glazed, but she otherwise appeared hale and hearty.

  “You always were a smart one, Lu. Pity you’re a day late and a dollar short this time.”

  The Gauntlet

  Sally snarled and launched herself forward. She reared back her arm, claws extended, and was about to erase Firebird’s vacant stare - along with the rest of her face - when I caught her by the wrist. Even so, she nearly tossed me over her shoulder with the effort. It was all I could do to stand my ground and hold her at bay.

  “Down, girl!”

  She spun toward me, eyes blackened and fangs fully extended. Whoa, she looked massively pissed - and believe me, I’ve seen Sally pretty goddamned angry before. I almost released her before catching myself.

  “That’s enough.”

  “Let go of me, Bill,” she snapped. “I owe this bitch.
She’s been ratting us out to Marlene this whole time and nearly got me kill...”

  “Who the fuck is Marlene?” I had no idea what had her in such a lather, but I wasn’t about to let her do as she wished. “Oh, and what’s with the Lu stuff again? You ever gonna tell me what that means?”

  My second question caught her off guard, which was what I was hoping to do - mostly, at least. This was the second time someone had let that slip. The first being Colin way back when...

  “Yeah, calm down,” Ed said, stepping up to us, albeit staying slightly out of her reach. “The whole point of all this bullshit was to find her.”

  “No,” Sally corrected. “The point was to find Starlight and the rest of our coven. This fucking whore is collateral damage as far as I’m concerned.”

  “Stow it,” I said, my own frustration starting to boil over. “Look at her, she’s obviously been compelled.”

  “Yeah, and if she’s here, then maybe so are the others,” Ed pointed out.

  “Fine,” she replied, taking a deep breath. “When this is over and everyone is back to their normal selves, though, she and I are having words.”

  “Fair enough.” I let her go - ready to pounce should she decide to go postal again. Jeez, chicks could be so goddamned catty when they wanted to be.

  I asked Firebird, “Are the others here?”

  “No,” she replied with a hollow voice. “I don’t know where they are. The master did not allow it.”

  “The master?” Ed asked.

  I turned toward Sally with a smug grin. “See, I told you...compelled.” I then addressed Firebird again. “Where is this master?”

  “Not here. He’s gone elsewhere to seek his army. He fears he is not yet strong enough to take this facility. He released me first, though, to deliver a message.”

  “What message?”

  “A message for the ears of the First.”.

  “We need to go find James,” I said.

  Sally just sighed and replied, “No shit, Sherlock.”

  * * *