The Tome of Bill (Book 5): Goddamned Freaky Monsters

by Rick Gualtieri

  Unfortunately, that was my trump card. I had nothing left...except...

  I glanced at the arm lying atop me. Oh, the things I was willing to do to help my friends.

  Grasping it, I upended the ragged end toward my mouth and used it like the most gruesome beer stein ever. I gave it a squeeze and was rewarded with a small trickle of blood, which I wasted no time in swallowing. It wasn’t much, but it didn’t need to be.

  It hit my stomach and I immediately felt the effect, powering up to several times my normal level. I rose to my feet, feeling nearly invincible, but didn’t allow myself to be fooled. I’d seen more than I needed to know that James’s power wouldn’t be nearly enough. But maybe that wasn’t all I had at my disposal.

  I just had to hope Chuck’s body had expelled enough of the silver...and that he also didn’t kill my ass before I got a chance to sink my teeth in. The odds certainly weren’t in my favor, but were they really ever?

  Launching myself at his back, I grabbed him in a choke hold with one arm. The asshole barely budged, but that was okay. He could stay where he was if that floated his boat. All I needed to do was bare my fangs and...

  Be tossed over his shoulder?

  Chuck dropped James’s broken form and peeled me from his back like an old coat. Thankfully for me, I wasn’t exactly running at my normal levels. I spun, a blur of motion, and smacked him in the face with James’s severed arm - which I still clung to like it was some sort of freaky-ass talisman. It hit with a meaty thud, but aside from smearing the goon’s face with gore, it didn’t do much more than cause him to raise a bemused eyebrow.

  Fortunately for me, I had two arms - well, two that were mine anyway. I followed up with my other, this one cocked into a fist.

  I hit home with enough force to shatter cement, but all I did was turn his head a few degrees. Goddamn, this guy had a jaw built like the bulkhead of a battleship.

  Okay, I had a couple of legs at my disposal, too...more specifically, a knee. I had James’s strength to back me up this time - more than enough force to make this guy taste his own testicles in the back of his throat.

  I kicked out with everything I had...and immediately felt the scream bubble up in my throat as my leg met his claws. My own momentum sunk them in nearly to the knuckle.

  A fist to the stomach took the rest of the fight out of me, pulverizing several of my favorite organs in the process. I puked blood, not all of it James’s, from the force of it and would have doubled over had his powerful hand not grasped my shoulder - forcing me to stay upright.

  I was spun around and dragged roughly backward until I could feel Chuck’s muscular chest pressed against me.

  Uh oh. I really hoped that he wasn’t about to try compelling me to squeal like a pig.

  To my surprise, though, he roughly pushed my head to the side.

  What the...?

  Searing pain erupted from where my shoulder met my neck as sharp teeth tore apart my skin.

  So that was what it felt like. I could understand why other vamps weren’t too appreciative of me doing that to them.

  Oh yeah, also...Fuck!

  My only solace was in knowing this asshole would end the day curled up in a fetal ball, as if he’d just eaten a plateful of spoiled enchiladas. I was the only vampire alive who could drink another’s blood and not projectile vomit his guts out.

  That’s when I realized what he was doing. He’d beaten James, one of the Draculas, at his own game - outfighting and overpowering him. Kicking my ass, too, wasn’t much of a stretch under normal circumstances for an older vamp, but if he put me down by laying the bite on me, his victory would be complete. He’d have bested me with my own trick - even at the cost of suffering for it himself.

  I tried to pry him off with my free hand, but it was no use. As strong as James’s blood made me, this guy was a metric fuck-ton stronger and I was getting weaker by the moment.

  In fact, it wasn’t long before I began to feel woozy from loss of blood.

  “Bill, get down!”

  Get down? I didn’t hear any music playing. Fucking raves and their drugged up teenyboppers - but not drugged up enough to want to dance with me...

  “Bill!”

  Wait. I gave my head a quick shake, momentarily clearing it. That was Sally. Maybe she was hoping to plug this fucker with another bullet. That’d be nice.

  Sadly, I was right in the line of fire.

  Oh, screw it. What was that line from Speed about taking the hostage out of the equation?

  I couldn’t believe I was doing this, but I needed her to shoot through me in the hopes of getting this asshole. I opened my mouth to tell her such, but only a choked, blood-filled gurgle escaped.

  There had to be some way to signal her to go ahead and open fire. I began to wave my arms...in turn waving James’s arm, which, for some reason, I was still hanging onto...

  Hold on a second.

  James’s hand was clenched in a death grip, still holding the knife he’d tried to bisect this fucker with earlier.

  It wasn’t exactly a gift horse, but I wasn’t about to look it in the mouth either.

  As Chuck continued sucking the lifeblood out of me, I pried the cold, dead fingers open and grabbed hold of the heavy Bowie knife, silver coated for those times when one was in the mood to slice and dice the undead.

  I couldn’t afford the time to line up the perfect shot. He’d just block me anyway. So I raised the weapon and blindly brought it down with everything I had left.

  Suck on this, dickhead.

  The weapon was razor sharp and I slammed it straight into Chuck’s kneecap with whatever strength I had left. Tough as he was, even he couldn’t ignore that.

  He released me as he threw back his head to howl in pain.

  Booyah, motherfucker!

  Knowing that my partner was no doubt developing an itchy trigger finger, I immediately threw myself to the ground and was rewarded by the sound of her massive handgun - the bullets splitting the air above me.

  Sparing a quick look over my shoulder, I was pleased to see King Kong had multiple high caliber holes in his torso, each starting to spurt sparks.

  I knew better than to lie there gawking, hoping for a shower of dust, so I slapped myself across the face to clear out the cobwebs - ouch. Clambering to my feet, I slowly made my way to where James lay unmoving. He was a mess, pale and bloody, but at least the ragged stump of his shoulder had scabbed over. As long as there was a body, there was still hope - however small it might be.

  Thankfully, I still had enough left in me to hoist him over my shoulder, hoping that the Chuckster would at least be slowed down by the pig-sticker currently turning his leg into a Roman candle.

  I lurched as fast as I could to where my friends waited, leaping over the downed wires again lest that prove to be a somewhat embarrassing end to this adventure.

  Dave was the first to greet me. “Dude, that was fucking hardcore, even for Kelvin.”

  “Stow it,” I replied, stepping past him. I laid James upon the ground and dared a look back. Chuck was still staggered, but the flames shooting from his body had started to die down. He’d be on our asses within a few seconds at most.

  “James?” Sally asked, but rather than come over to us, she began rooting through her duffle bag.

  “He’s still alive...or undead...or whatever the fuck,” I said. “Is now really the time to go searching for your comfortable shoes?”

  “Don’t be a dipshit your entire life,” she spat back. “Bullets aren’t cutting it with Superman over there. We need to bring out the big guns...”

  “Ed,” I snapped, ignoring her. “What’s the what?”

  “What are you two...?”

  “They should be here any second now,” he replied, Sally’s phone still in his hand.

  He wasn’t just whistling Dixie out of his asshole either. Almost as if on cue, multiple flashes of light appeared from nowhere - eight in all, forming a circle of sorts around us.

  “About f
ucking time,” I muttered, only to see that Sally had stopped what she was doing to lift her gun again - prompting me to dive over and shove the barrel aside. “No!”

  The lights coalesced and folded in on themselves, dying down to reveal people...no, more than people - witches.

  Oh, and Tom, too.

  He stood there, grinning, next to Christy. I had never been so glad to see him and the girl who’d once had a mad-on for killing me.

  “The cavalry has arrived,” he declared.

  Christy, a bit larger than I remembered, ran forward and threw her arms around me. “Good to see you,” she whispered.

  “A lot better to see you.”

  “Guys,” Sally warned, still a bit dumbfounded. “I think the reunion can wait.”

  I released Christy and turned to look, expecting the worst.

  I wasn’t disappointed.

  A squad of vampires, all dressed in riot gear and armed to the teeth, raced out from the entrance of the car wash. For a split second, I held hope they were there to properly ventilate Chuck, but no such luck. They formed a line on either side of him and took aim at us.

  “Time for the cavalry to get us the fuck out of here,” I cried.

  “Way ahead of you. Sisters, if you will,” Christy said as she closed her eyes. The others followed suit. Light began to emanate once more from them.

  With my enhanced senses, I could see the muscles on the vampire A-team’s arms tense as they squeezed their triggers.

  This was gonna be close.

  Just then, I felt the barest of twinges in my frontal lobe. Chuck was throwing a compulsion at us...a big one. Oh, shit.

  “ACCEPT YOUR FATE AND BOW BEFORE VEH...”

  His voice, powerful as it was, receded into nothingness as the light became nearly blinding in its intensity, erasing the world around us - sights, sounds, and all.

  The Aftermath of an Ass-Kicking

  “How’s he doing?”

  “Still out, but he seems to be just resting for now. His arm is already grown back almost to the elbow.”

  “Amazing what a little blood will do.”

  “Yeah, a little blood and six hundred years’ worth of enhanced healing,” Sally replied, closing the door and joining me on the rooftop of my apartment building.

  It had the advantage of being one of the taller structures in the neighborhood. I couldn’t see Manhattan from my vantage point - just parts of Staten Island and I doubted too many people gave a fuck about that place. I could, however, see the smoke rising over the horizon, presumably originating from the heart of the city. The smell of it permeated the air, at least to one with super sensitive nostrils like mine.

  We’d only been gone a day, but things had gotten worse in that time. The bits and pieces Christy’s coven had shared, along with the few newscasts we had managed to pick up, painted a bleak picture.

  Battle had erupted in midtown between glowing beings made of light. An entire city block downtown had collapsed in on itself and sank into the Earth. No survivors had been recovered.

  And that was just Manhattan. Up in Albany, they were supposedly debating declaring a state of emergency and there were even rumors of martial law being enforced. All in all, it was a grade-A clusterfuck.

  Thankfully, I’d learned that suburbia hadn’t been too hard hit as of yet, being of general strategic unimportance to pretty much everyone. My parents were safe and sound for now, confirmed by a quick call after we’d arrived - in which they hadn’t even questioned not hearing my voice for the last three months. Gotta love parents.

  I’d managed to convince them to at least pack an emergency bag just in case, but for the time being, it sounded like they were content to watch the world fall apart via their TV.

  Sally moved to stand by my side. “James is going to be pissed at us when he wakes up.”

  I glanced over at her, taking comfort in her presence, as well as the generous cleavage her low cut top showed. I’d missed both.

  “One doesn’t need to be a dismembered wizard skull to foresee that. The only question is what will tick him off most - us interfering, me eating his arm, or calling in a coven of witches to save our asses?”

  “If I were a betting girl, I’d say a smidgeon of all three.”

  “What about you?”

  “I’m a little annoyed you didn’t tell me you’d invited Christy to the party. I almost blew the poor girl’s head off.”

  I was a bit surprised to hear her voice any sort of worry at almost causing collateral damage. Something had definitely changed about her...even if just slightly. “Sorry about that. Tom, Ed, and I planned the whole thing out before you showed up. Afterwards, there were too many sensitive ears hanging around to spill the beans. Even if James didn’t object...”

  “Which he would have,” she pointed out. “If not, though, then that Calibra bitch would have certainly had a few words to say about it.”

  “No doubt. So are we good?”

  “I’ll let it slide...this time.”

  “You’re too generous.”

  “I am, aren’t I?”

  I smiled, letting her get the last word on the subject. She’d earned that much.

  Things had been a bit hectic since our return several hours earlier. James was badly injured and Dave was completely freaked out, as were Christy’s coven. Apparently, neither she nor Tom had mentioned the possibility of a vampire strike team shooting at them.

  Christy and her new sisters had stuck around for a short while, helping Sally to bring some order to the general uselessness the rest of us offered. They managed to turn our apartment into a supernatural triage unit. Being that we weren’t sure how James would react upon awakening, though, they’d thought it best to leave before then. They’d departed as a group - safety in numbers and all of that - with Christy reassuring us she’d be back later to help out.

  As for Dave, well, Sally knocked him out cold with a compulsion. He was currently snoozing away in Ed’s bedroom, at least until such time as we all had our heads on straight and could think again.

  Things were far from great, but we’d at least managed to dodge a few bullets. That was better than nothing. Speaking of which...

  “I forgot to ask earlier, what were you talking about back in Boston - big guns or some shit like that? Don’t tell me you packed a fucking bazooka.”

  “Not a bazooka,” she said, “but close with regards to vampire slaying.”

  “Holy hand grenade of Antioch?”

  “I have no idea what the fuck that is.”

  “It’s...”

  “Um, Bill?” a voice called from the door. It was Tom.

  “Yeah?”

  “I hate to interrupt, but you guys might want to get your asses down here.”

  “Is something wrong with James?”

  “Not quite.” He ducked back in, obviously expecting us to follow.

  “What’s that about?”

  “Who knows? Your moron of a roommate probably just forgot how to unzip his pants to take a piss.”

  “Thanks for the imagery.”

  “No problem. Don’t expect me to remind him how, though.”

  * * *

  The odor of other vampires hit me as soon as I reentered the building. Sally and I shared a glance, more curious than alarmed. That Tom had appeared on the roof in one piece went a long way toward telling us a hit squad hadn’t burst in and shot up the place.

  Right before I could relax, though, Sally’s expression turned sour. A moment later, I realized why. I recognized the owner of one of the scents - someone I wasn’t particularly fond to see, much less so in my own building.

  Tom waited by the door to our apartment. Seeing us approach, he made an after you gesture - earning him a dirty look from Sally.

  The scene awaiting us was...interesting.

  “Colin,” I said, entering.

  “Freewill,” he replied contemptuously. “Always a pleasure, my dear Sally.”

  He was standing in our living room, f
lanked by three large vamps decked out in trench coats over what looked to be body armor. Colin himself was wearing his typical expensive suit, as usual doing little to mask what a greasy fucking weasel he was. He and the vamps had adopted casual, almost bored, stances. That was in stark contrast to Ed, who stood with shotgun raised in front of my bedroom door where James lay.

  “You okay, man?” I asked my roommate.

  “Right as rain. This guy here, though, said he was here for James.”

  Sally tensed up beside me at that. I couldn’t blame her. And here I’d been hoping we’d paid our last renter’s insurance hike.

  “Kindly call off your pet,” Colin said, sniffing the air, “whatever he may be. I assure you, we’re not here to fight.”

  “Bullshit,” I replied. “Did your new master tell you to say that?”

  “New master? Has your extended vacation damaged what little sense you had? I serve the same masters I always have, the glorious First Coven.”

  “Oh really?” Sally crossed her arms across her ample chest. “That cultist asshole took control of the entire Boston complex and everyone in it.”

  “By the way, what are you doing back on the East Coast?” Colin asked, ignoring our accusations. “I had thought you’d returned to your roots - your true calling, so to speak.”

  I quickly stepped in front of Sally, blocking her lest she decide to launch herself at the smarmy prick - no matter how much I might’ve enjoyed watching that. “Don’t try to dodge the question. We know you were placed in charge right before everything went down.”

  “I need not dodge anything thrown by you, child. The answer is quite simple. Upon receiving back my rightful authority, I immediately assessed the situation and decided the most prudent course of action was to set up a mobile command center.”

  “Mobile command center?”

  “Yes. I was miles away by the time I realized security had been compromised.”

  “So you ran like a pussy?”

  “Quite the contrary. I simply proved myself smarter than any of the others tasked with the position - my successor included.”

  If that were really the case, I had little doubt he’d been crowing about it to anyone in a position of authority who would listen. It probably wasn’t the time to bring that up, though. There were more important matters at hand. “Do you know what’s happened to Calibra and the rest?”