THE BUTLER

by Bill WENHAM

  A great spot for a spectacular suicide though, I thought, or a spectacular murder too, if no one saw you do it!

  If the bodies were ever found there might be some questions asked as to why one of them had both of his hands smashed. Then, of course, they might take a look at the brothers’ death toll and decide it wasn’t that important.

  Whoever wins, wins, I thought, and Ellie and I had won. I would worry about the fallout from it, if any, if and when it occurred. Until then I was going to concentrate exclusively now on my lovely lady for a while.

  I was glad I’d been able to honor my guarantee to her, even with a little glitch.

  After all, it really wasn’t my fault if she’d stuck her head in the way of a bullet, was it? She’s always telling me what a good cop she is. And good cops don’t do that. Dead cops do that! She’d just have to be a lot more careful in future! I wouldn’t be able to watch her ass all the time, much as I’d like to!

  Chapter Twenty Six

  “Hey, Ellie, remember what I said to you back at the dam?” I said.

  “What? You mean the bit about when you told me to keep my head down? Is that the bit you mean?”

  “No, not that. I never told you to do that did I?” I said, dropping feet first straight into the trap.

  “No, you didn’t,” she agreed dryly. “If you had done, I might not have had this damned great permanent parting in my hair now.”

  Actually the graze the bullet had made was hardly even visible now but like some people and their fifteen minutes of fame, she wanted to get the maximum possible mileage out of it.

  “I was referring to marrying you, Ellie,” I said.

  “Oh, yeah, I remember now. Wasn’t much of a proposal as I recall, was it? Do you reckon you can do a bit better with it now then?” she asked, grinning at me.

  “Well, ma’am, I did tell you I needed to find out what kind of girl you were first, didn’t I?”

  “And did you?” she asked.

  “I did,” I said, “I did indeed.”

  “And did the merchandise meet with your approval, sir? Did you receive complete satisfaction?”

  “I most certainly did,” I agreed.

  “So you have no need to try it out again then, sir?” she said flirtatiously.

  “Yes, I most certainly do, ma’am,” I said enthusiastically, “So how would you like to get married, El?”

  “Just like that! No ‘I love you, Ellie, my darling’ with lots of declarations of undying love for me for all eternity? Just ‘Hey, El, wanna get married’? You are so bloody romantic, Spicer, I can see why I can never resist you,” she said.

  “So?” I said.

  “So what?” she replied.

  “So, you wanna get married or not?” I said.

  She put her head on one side, shaking it.

  “And that’s the best you can do then, is it, even on a second try?” she said.

  “It does come with a lifetime warranty, you know,” I said coaxingly.

  She gave me a quizzical look and said, “It does, does it?”

  I nodded. “You also get exclusive ownership of the merchandise too, ma’am.” I told her.

  “And what if it wears out?” she asked.

  “It won’t,” I assured her.

  “Well, young man, the last guarantee you gave me turned out pretty good but there’s still something not quite right about this deal of yours,” she said with a serious look on her face.

  “What?” I said, starting to panic a little inside. “What?” I repeated.

  “You are just too upright; Mr. Spicer,” she said, “And I don’t accept that kind of an offer from upright guys.”

  Upright? What the hell is she talking about, I wondered, until she added, grinning, “I’ve always dreamed of a proper bended knee proposal, so down, boy, if you’re expecting a favorable answer.”

  The grin she wore lit up her whole face as I knelt down in front of her and took her hands in mine.

  “I love you, Ellie darling,” I said, looking up at her earnestly. “Marry me, Babe, please.”

  “Okay,” she said, very casually, “I guess so, but I have a question to ask you first.”

  I frowned as I got to my feet. Now what, I thought?

  “And what’s that?” I asked her.

  “What the hell took you so long?” she said happily, as she threw her arms around my neck and kissed me passionately.

  I don’t know what it is about her, but this woman of mine has a knack of getting me to wear the silliest of grins on my face! And I have a knack of frequently putting my foot in my mouth. Figuratively speaking of course, because I’d already proved I couldn’t do it in reality.

  “I thought we could do it here,” I said.

  “Do what here?” Ellie asked, surprised.

  “Get married,” I said. “I thought that was what we’ve just been talking about. There’s a cute little wedding chapel over on the Strip, you know. You can even get Elvis to sing to you if you want,”

  I guess if I’d opened my mouth just that little bit wider I could have gotten both of my feet in it, because Ellie just exploded.

  “You have got to be kidding me, Buster!” she yelled at me. “That chapel thing of yours is made out of plywood, for God’s sake!”

  “I’m not asking you to buy the bloody place, El, just to get married in it.” I said defensively.

  And if I kept on running through the red lights like this, I could end up with the shortest engagement on record, I thought.

  “In any case,” I continued, “It would only be to make it legal, Hon. We could do it properly again when we get home, if you want.”

  She didn’t say anything for a moment but I was pleased the light had gone back to green again when she answered me,

  “Lover, we’ve been running around all over the country, playing Mr. and Mrs. for weeks now. So why the sudden urge to make an honest woman out of me?” she said, smiling broadly now.

  “It’s a long drive when we leave here to get back home, El, and when we do get there, after us disposing of the Terrible Twosome, I think the two of us are going to be kept pretty damned busy. What I mean is why don’t we make the trip back into a honeymoon?”

  “You’re one smooth talker; you know that, Mr. Spicer?” she said.

  “So is it a deal, then, prospective Mrs. Spicer?” I asked her.

  She answered by putting her arms back around my neck and kissing me again.

  “Sealed with a kiss. There’s your answer,” she said. “So there’s no backing out now, Buster. It’s a done deal.”

  “Let’s do it then,” I said happily as we set out for the Strip to arrange our ‘wedding’.

  When we finally left Las Vegas we were, in a sense, married. I say ‘in a sense’ because, cute as the ceremony was, the whole thing screamed ‘phony’ at us.

  The chapel Ellie and I decided on wasn’t made of plywood as she’d feared, but it really wasn’t much better. We went through with the ceremony and the ‘minister’, if that what he really was, pronounced us married.

  We were, as far as the State of Nevada was concerned, legally Mr. and Mrs. Lysander Spicer. The guy marrying us did a double take, when I reeled off my weird collection of names to him for the certificate.

  “Are these for real?” he asked.

  “Is anything real in Vegas?” I answered and let him make up his own mind.

  Ellie summed it up best later in the day when we were having dinner at the Flamingo. She said, “I’m glad you plan to do this again properly when we get home, Mr. Spicer.” She had placed a heavy emphasis on the word ‘properly’ and then she added, “Because your brand new Mrs. Spicer feels like she’s just been brought home from the local ‘Rent-a-Wife’ store and you can guess how that makes a girl feel, can’t you?”

  I didn’t say anything and she carried on speaking.

  “It was all so fake, Lover, and I know everything in this town is. I also know you meant well. I appreciate it and I plan to go along wi
th it with you for a while. But I have to tell you, Hon, I still want the real thing. I got the real thing when I got you and I want my wedding to be just as real. Am I making any sense here?”

  I didn’t say anything. I didn’t really know what to say and I could see she was very close to tears but it was she that broke the silence.

  “I’m sorry, Lover, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” she said.

  I finally found my voice.

  “No, Babe, on the contrary, I’m not upset at all. I feel the same as you do. I don’t think that feeling cheated is the right word either but you know what I mean, don’t you?”

  She nodded as I continued, “You deserve a lot better than that, much, much better and as soon as we get home we’ll start planning it, okay?”

  She reached over the table to hold my hand and then looked into my eyes.

  “Thank you, Hon,” she said and started to smile again. “You know, Lover, a nice wedding, in a lovely old church, dressed in a beautiful white gown with bridesmaids, friends and relatives and oh, yes, the guy she loves, is what every girl dreams of,” she said.

  “Even a cop girl/” I asked her.

  “Especially a cop girl,” she replied, “Toting a gun around all day and being prepared to shoot it at someone doesn’t really scream out ‘femininity’, does it, pal? But who wouldn’t look and feel feminine in a beautiful white satin gown?”

  “Well, I wouldn’t, for starters,” I said.

  “And nor would I want you to, my pet,” she said. “A white dress wouldn’t do a thing for you. Pink is a far better color for you!”

  We both laughed but her point had been made and I knew she wouldn’t bring it up again. It was a problem for her and she expected me to solve it for her. But I knew too, that I had a promise to keep as well when we got home.

  My Ellie deserved the best there was and with no Butler or his brother around any more to mar the occasion, our proper wedding would be perfect. I too put the emphasis on the word ‘proper’

  Before we’d gone in to tie the knot in the little chapel, Ellie had held me back. For a moment I thought she’d changed her mind, but she turned to me, took hold of both of my hands and said, “Sandy, I want to say this to you before we make this official. When I first moved in with you, I made no bones about the fact that I wanted your protection. First and foremost, actually. I liked you but I certainly didn’t love you. Hell, I hardly even knew you really. It was very unfair of me to do that to you but you took me on anyway.”

  “Ellie, Babe…” I started to protest.

  “Let me finish, Lover, please, because that was then and this is now. I still want your protection and I hope I always will, and I hope you’ll always be there for me. But I’m doing this today with you because I love you with all my heart and for no other reason. I just want you to know that before we bind ourselves together for the rest of our lives.”

  We stood outside the little chapel, in full view of everyone passing by, and we kissed each other as though it was a brand new experience for us. Perhaps, in a way, it was.

  When we finally arrived home via the Grand Canyon, we found we were celebrities. A huge reception had been planned for us and was hosted by the Mayor and the Chamber of Commerce. Naturally, the Police Commissioner praised us in glowing terms in front of as many of the TV cameras and news photographers he could find.

  Between us, we had rid our City of the worst pair of serial killers the City had ever known.

  Emilio and Raphael Cervantes, Blood Brothers!

  No mention was made of them ever changing their names. It had been agreed by the higher ups that their more well known identities should be kept a secret.

  However, in another item of totally unrelated media coverage, it had been announced that the two very well known stage actors, Milo Van Creste and Ralph Stavencer, had apparently disappeared whilst on a visit to Florida. It had been rumored down there the two of them had been in Jacksonville to set up a Shakespearean Festival in Florida. They had been spotted and photographed together at the Jacksonville airport but neither of them had been seen or heard from since.

  All the praise and general hoopla was a little too much for Ellie and me. We just wanted to settle back into our old routine but even that had changed.

  Because of our notoriety and success, I was promoted to Captain and Ellie to Lieutenant, which I didn’t feel was quite fair since we’d both contributed equally to the end result of our mission. We’d even brought the damned Jeep back, including a new windshield, radiator and windows, installed in Vegas plus a variety of bullet holes still in the driver’s door and the hood, much to the Chief’s consternation.

  “I told you not to scratch it!” he bellowed at me when he saw it.

  “Scratch it?” I said innocently. “What scratches? We didn’t scratch it, did we, Ellie?”

  The Chief just shook his head and smiled.

  “You’re right, Sandy. Come to think of it there are no scratches on it, are there? I hope all of your reports in future are just as bloody accurate.”

  I just grinned back at him and handed him the keys.

  Ellie and I both felt the experience we’d gone through was enough to last us a lifetime, however neither of us was to know right then that someone else had completely different ideas about that!

  During the time we’d been away, although he’d said it wasn’t necessary, I’d still stayed in touch with the Chief with progress reports. He, in turn, kept us updated as to what was going on back at the precinct.

  Eddie Barrett had been made up to permanent Lieutenant and we were pleased to learn that Wayne was doing well and recovering quickly. In fact by the time we got back home he was an active part of our reception committee.

  A lot had changed. We’d both changed. We’d both fallen deeply in love with each other and had survived a lot of hardship and danger together. We’d even gotten ourselves married, kind of.

  As soon as all the fuss started to die down and we’d established an acceptable routine, we started to plan our real wedding in earnest. We figured it would be about a year away but it would be well worth the wait. It had better be real and it had better be good, because I gave my lovely lady a guarantee, didn’t I?

  Epilogue

  One Year Later.

  Ellie and I paused at the doorway to the squad room. Wayne was in fine form today, regaling a group of new rookies about one of his many exploits as a cop. It was good to see him back to normal but I frowned as I heard him mention my name in his lurid tale.

  He grinned at us as he saw us standing and listening at the doorway.

  “Yeah, well, as I was saying,” he said as he continued with his story, “We’d chased the guy with the Uzi in the pouring rain all over the rooftops. As I got up on to the roof of the next building, with him up ahead of me, he turned and fired a long burst at me with the Uzi. He missed, thank God, apart from a small head wound and since the Lieutenant, as the Captain was back then, was way back, naturally, I knew I had to take this guy out by myself. I ignored the Uzi and the head wound and made a dive for him across the wet rooftop.”

  I stared at Wayne in amazement. I didn’t recall being a part of any of this action.

  Wayne carried on with his tale, now completely ignoring us.

  “I slid on my belly across the wet rooftop, tearing both of the knees out of my uniform pants in the process and my shoulder hit him just above the ankles.”

  He paused to make sure he had his audience’s complete attention.

  “I saw the Uzi fly out of his hand and spin out over the edge of the roof. A split second later so did he.”

  Wayne’s audience of young rookies sat there open mouthed, taking in every word as Wayne continued.

  “I struggled to my feet, brushing away the blood and rain pouring down my forehead and into my eyes. I made my way to the edge of the roof and tried to look down. I expected to see him splattered all over the parking lot seven or eight levels down below me. But he hadn’t gone right
down at all. Somehow he’d managed to grab hold of a ledge just below the roofline as he fell. I panicked as, holding on desperately with one hand, eyes staring up at me, he reached up with his other hand and pulled my leg.”

  Wayne paused again in front of the open mouthed rookies, gave Ellie and me a huge grin and said, as he straightened his face again.

  “Just like I’m pulling yours!”

  This was received with a momentary silence, and then, as the penny dropped, gales of laughter.

  After a moment or two, Wayne held up his hand for quiet.

  “So, guys and girls, lesson number one for today is. Never believe everything you hear and if it’s in this place, don’t even believe a single word of it. Oh, yeah, and if the Captain here starts to tell you one of his stories, go get the lie detector quick, okay?”

  Like I said, it was good to have the old Wayne back with us again.

  Later in the day, Wayne stuck his head into my office. I was about to kid him about his lurid tale when he said, “Chief wants to see you, Captain, and Ellie too. Right away.”

  “What about?” I asked him.

  “Don’t know, Boss, but he looked pretty serious about something. I wouldn’t keep him waiting too long if I was you,” he said.

  I got up, rounded up Ellie and we both headed over to the Chief’s office. When we got there, I rapped on the closed glass door. He looked up from his desk, saw us, frowned and waved us in.

  I tried to interpret the look on his face. It was a mixture of anger, seriousness, concern and sadness. Not the kind of look that I’d ever seen on his face before. I suddenly had a sense of impending doom churning around in the bottom of my stomach. This wasn’t going to be good news.

  “Sit down, guys,” he said quietly. “I want you to hear this. I wish you didn’t have to, but you must. You’ll see why when you hear it.”

  With that, he pressed the ‘Play’ button on the recorder in front of him on his desk.

  The words that came out of the speaker caused Ellie and I to gasp as we sat there in total shock. Ellie and I couldn’t believe what we were hearing.

  The Butler was dead! So was his brother.