Awakening

by Hayes, Olivia

  "I'm not freaked out. It's just overwhelming, all of this in one day," I said thinking I could use a drink to calm my nerves.

  "Where's the alcohol big brother?" Emily asked, as if reading my mind.

  Luke laughed at her and Emily said, "What? I finally get a few days off and I want to take full advantage!"

  "I'll be back in a few minutes," Luke said, kissing my temple and then walking back into the house.

  Emily smiled warmly at me. "Sorry about whatever my mother said to you earlier. She always worried about all three of us, but since Mark's death, she tends to hover over the remaining two of us more than necessary."

  I smiled, thinking about how close they were to Mark and how much they had loved him. We'd all been so happy once. It pained me that his mother thought I was doing something wrong.

  "We didn't know you all were coming today, so she caught me coming downstairs in practically nothing this morning." I exhaled. "I'm sure she wasn't expecting to see me here either."

  "Probably not, but Luke is a big boy and is free to make his own choices. You have my support, for what it's worth."

  "Thanks Emily, that means a lot."

  "What did Luke mean about just getting you back?"

  "It's not like we were ever together before, but over the last couple weeks Luke and I discovered that it was something we both wished for, even before my relationship with Mark began."

  As I filled Emily in on how Luke and I had had so many miscommunications over the years, her eyes widened. When I was finally finished, she had a stunned look on her face.

  "So, you're Savannah, huh? I guess I was just too young to remember you all hanging out together so much. I should have known you were her."

  "What are you talking about?" I asked her.

  "When I was little, Luke used to tell me bedtime stories about a girl named Savannah. He swore to me she was a real girl. She went on all sorts of adventures. Some of them I'm sure he made up just so he had a story to tell me, but that was always the best part of my day. I loved listening to him. You must have been his muse."

  I looked at her for a moment with my mouth hanging open. Then a smile slowly crept across my face. By the time Luke came out onto the porch I must have been grinning like an idiot, because he started smiling as soon as he looked at my face.

  "What did I miss?" He asked, handing Emily and me each a drink before pulling a beer bottle out of his pocket and opening it against the deck railing.

  "I was just telling Caroline here about the bedtime stories you used to tell me as a kid," Emily said nonchalantly.

  I watched Luke to gauge his reaction. He looked at her and then at me. "Is that why you're smiling?"

  I nodded as he bent down next to my chair, grabbed the back of my head and pulled me in for a searing kiss. "I told you. I couldn't get you out of my head."

  "Well, on that note I'm going to go inside and see if Mom needs any help," Emily excused herself.

  ~~~~

  Lunch was served and after I fixed myself a plate I went to sit next to Eva. I'd seen her snuggling up to Nick, so I needed to get the scoop.

  "Hey," I said, pulling up a chair next to her. "What's up with you and Nick?"

  She smiled and blushed.

  "Last night, after we left Deuces, he went all caveman on me, and was totally freaked out by seeing Darren with his hands on me. Normally I hate that possessive shit. You know I can't stay in one place for long..... But, last night, something changed. He made me go back to his place and, well, unless you want all the racy details, let's just say that my world was deliciously rocked."

  I laughed. "Of course, this is about sex!"

  "No, really, it's not like that. This was something more. I mean, it was amazing, definitely the best sexual experience of my life, and coming from me that's saying something. But, somehow, the way he looked at me and touched me, the way he talked to me, the emotion in his voice... I don't know, we just connected on a deeper level. No pun intended!"

  "Holy shit. Eva Williams, off the market. I never thought I'd see the day," I said, looking at her.

  "I wouldn't go that far. Let's just say, I'm taking some time away from the rest of the male population and concentrating on Nick for a while. Seeing where things go."

  "There seems to be a lot of that going on lately," I said, motioning my head at Carson and Lou.

  I watched Eva's eyes find Nick's. He gave her a wink and what I expect was meant to be a seductive smile, because she blushed and had to look away quickly.

  "Well, if you're happy, then I'm happy for you," I told her.

  ~~~~

  Hours later I was clearing serving dishes from the tables in the yard and carrying them back to the kitchen.

  "Hey, great party!" Anne Marie said, as I passed her in the hallway. "Is there anything else to bring in?"

  "Yeah, a few more things, and then I'll need help getting the dessert out. I just need to go to the bathroom first."

  "Okay, I'll grab another armful from outside and meet you back in the kitchen in a few minutes," she said, walking back out onto the deck.

  I put the dishes on the counter and threw away some paper plates I'd carried in before heading to the bathroom.

  As I passed the door to Luke's study, I heard heated voices.

  "I'm telling you, there's more going on here than you realize. They were together the day of Mark's accident. I think she was cheating on Mark, and I bet she called to tell him it was over and that's why he crashed."

  "Mom, have you asked her why Luke was with her that day? Maybe there's a perfectly legitimate reason. Have you even tried to talk to Luke about this?" I could hear Emily saying.

  "I'm not delusional Emily, something was going on back then. I could see it in the way she looked at Luke whenever he was around. She watched his every move and flushed whenever she caught him looking at her. And, she didn't even come to Mark's funeral. How do you think it makes me feel to see her with Luke after she obviously didn't love Mark enough to show up and pay her respects to his family? And she still has Granny's ring! She should have returned it long ago."

  "Mother, that is just ridiculous. She was devastated. After all the things Mark told us about her and how much he wanted to make a life with her, do you really think he would have felt that way if she wasn't genuine?"

  "I don't know honey, I just don't want to see Luke hurt. And, let's face it, if Mark had never met her, he wouldn't have been on the road to Athens that day."

  I inhaled audibly and backed up against the wall. Tears welling up in my eyes.

  "I'm done talking to you about this," I heard Emily say. "You know Caroline, and at one time you considered her your other daughter. I can't imagine what is going on in that head of yours to make you think she's changed so much from the person you used to love. You obviously haven't taken the time to mourn properly, and you've got the whole situation all screwed up in your head. Maybe you should get some help Mother. Can't you see they're happy?"

  With that, Emily opened the office door, walked out and slammed it behind herself. I tried to blend in with the wall, but I was standing right there. Her eyes met mine as my tears began to fall.

  "I'm so sorry you had to hear that," she said, giving me a brief hug before she walked away.

  I raced into the bathroom and shut the door behind me before letting out a huge sob. All my worst fears were echoed in Martha's words. I had always felt I played an unwilling part in Mark's death. I made choices that led to his death, so I was partly responsible. Hadn't I thought about it over and over? I'd listed the 'what ifs' in my head so many times after Mark died that I couldn't even think straight.

  "Caroline, are you in there still?" Anne Marie knocked on the door.

  I opened it and she slipped inside as I shut the door behind her. She took one look at my swollen, tear stained face and grabbed me into a hug.

  "What's wrong?"

  "Luke's mother thinks that I cheated on Mark with Luke. She thinks I'm the reason he was in t
hat wreck," I sobbed into her shoulder.

  "Awe, you probably just misinterpreted what she said. She couldn't have meant it," Anne Marie soothed.

  "Marie, she meant every word. I have to get out of here. This was all a big mistake. There's no way for Luke and I to build a relationship when his mother is so adamantly against it. I won't put him through it. He's already lost his brother because of me and I can't be the reason he loses his mother too. He deserves better."

  "You aren't thinking straight. Let's just go find Luke and sort this all out," she said, turning towards the door.

  "No!" I shouted, grabbing her wrist. "I need you to help me leave. I don't want anyone to know. I don't want him to have to choose between us."

  Anne Marie helped me get up to the master bedroom unseen and gather up all my things. She kept an eye out as we descended the stairs and slipped out the front door. As I drove away from Luke, tears streamed down my face. He would be better off without me. I knew he deserved more.

  July 8, 2013

  The rest of the weekend went by in a blur. I cried, I cleaned, I cried more, and then I passed out. Luke called a million times, but I sent the calls to voice mail. I hadn't taken the time to check them, and I didn't plan to. It was best if I just let him go.

  Carson and my dad were unable to console me. I felt as if part of me had died all over again. It was unbearable. Nothing could compare to the pain in my heart, except the loss of Mark. I knew I was in love with Luke. There was no denying it. He had slipped right past my defenses, talking with me and laughing about Mark, sharing stories about our lives, reminiscing about our summers together. And then there were the moments we'd spent together intimately. He had invaded my senses, swallowing my heart up into a sea of happiness, love, and hope that I had never expected to find again. And now I was feeling complete and utter despair.

  Fuck you, universe!

  "So, in case you were thinking about not going to the party, I will totally understand," my dad said, bringing me back to reality.

  "Dad, the party is tomorrow night, I can't back out now. Plus, it's a great opportunity for me to meet some of my new clients."

  "Your mother has decided to come, so she will be driving back to the house tonight, and then I'm going to go back to Bluffton with her tomorrow night. I'll probably take Wednesday off work to help her finish up some things at the house."

  It was a the longest Monday I'd spent at the office in forever. The hours dragged by as if the day would never come to an end. When I finally got home from the gym I called my mother to check in.

  "Hey Mom. How's it going there?"

  "Decent, we made a lot of headway today. Finally got up in the attic and took a look around. Anne Marie and Eva found a ton of stuff they want to repurpose. They seemed really excited about it, so I'm just letting them have whatever they find. And, since we'll be able to sell the house, we won't have to worry about covering the costs for all the work on it, or the cremation."

  "That sounds great. I'm glad they're there to help still," I said, despondently.

  "There is one thing that's concerning though. There was an old mattress stuffed in one corner and some empty food containers and trash. It seems as if someone may have been squatting in the attic. We're not sure how long they were there, but the police just left and said they'll be looking into it."

  Suddenly I remembered the creaking noises I had heard in the hallway and all the feelings of being watched. Shivers went down my spine.

  "Mom, that is crazy! I'm so sorry I'm not there to help. I just... I'll be back in a couple days. I just need to get my head on straight."

  "No need to apologize. I understand, I really do. Your father and I went through a lot of the same things you and Luke are dealing with, but you can't keep running away from him. Relationships are about making decisions together, you should be running towards each other. Anyone can clearly see that you two are meant to be together. Honestly Caroline, you should just talk to him."

  "Oh Lord, Mom. I miss him so much. It's just his mother really. You didn't hear the things she said about me. I can't let him choose between her and me, especially after he's already lost Mark." I could feel the tears forming again and I did everything I could not to let them fall.

  "Look honey, I'm only going to say this once: It's not often in life that you find yourself head over heels with a man worthy of your love. There is an even smaller chance that you will find it twice. And the Caroline I used to know never let anything stand in her way. Especially a mother who is just trying her best to look out for her child... Even if she is completely wrong. You owe it to yourself, and Luke, to let him make his own decision."

  Anne Marie must have filled her in on what I heard Martha say to Emily.

  "You love Luke, and he loves you. You've opened up so much in the last few weeks. I've seen you smile and laugh more in the last few days than I think I've seen since before you moved home. He makes you happy and you deserve that. Don't let his mother or your past with Mark get in the way."

  "Mom, I have been spending all my spare time with Luke. I'm trying to let go of Mark, but remember those dreams I used to have about him? They haven't gone away. Almost every night he's there, haunting me. I can't get him out of my head. Why can't I let go?"

  "Mark was part of your life for a very long time. A very good part of your life, and he loved you very much. He would have made you happy. There isn't any way to get him completely out of your heart or your mind and to try would be impossible. He will always be a part of you, but what you have to do is make room for someone else. You are twenty-four years old. Do you really plan to spend the rest of your life alone?"

  "No. I just... need more time."

  "It's been two years honey. There is a gorgeous young man who has very strong feelings for you. You've been in love with Luke for thirteen years. This is your opportunity to be with him. If you wait any longer it might be too late."

  "But his mother doesn't think I'm right for him. She thinks I was the cause of Mark's accident. Plus, don't you think it's weird, Mom? They were brothers."

  "You are asking the wrong person. Remember I'm the one who married my sister's boyfriend. But, I will say this: It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. All that matters is your happiness. You aren't going to be in a relationship with his mother, so just don't stand in your own way, okay?"

  I let out a big sigh.

  "Okay, I'll try not to."

  "Good girl. So, subject change! What are you going to wear to the party tomorrow night?"

  I sighed. "I have no idea. I ran into that weasel Darren Jenkins a couple times in the last few weeks. He is planning to be there so I really just want to wear a burlap sack." I laughed.

  "I hope you weren't assigned to his account now that you're a manager."

  "No, thank goodness."

  "Good. Well in any case, let me strongly caution against a burlap sack." We both laughed at the idea. "Tell you what. I will be home tomorrow morning and we can run out and buy something new. My treat."

  "Mom, you don't have to do that."

  "Oh, come on. It'll cheer you up, and plus, I owe you a promotion gift!" She reasoned.

  I hadn't been shopping with my mother in years. We used to have a blast trying on dresses we knew were going to look hideous just so we could laugh at each other later.

  "I think I would actually really enjoy that mom."

  "Good honey. Sleep well, and I'll talk to you in the morning."

  July 9, 2013

  The next afternoon, I left the office at lunch time and went to meet my mother at Clara's on Broughton Street. It was one of my favorite stores for evening attire.

  "What do you think about this one?" My mother asked opening her fitting room door and stepping out. She had on a royal purple dress with a high-lo hem that faded to fuchsia at the bottom. I wasn't in the mood, but I couldn't help but burst into laughter. It was hideous.

  "I think you've found the one Mom. Dad is surely never to forget this night wi
th you in that dress!" I giggled.

  "You're right honey, and I'm sure he would serve me with divorce papers tomorrow if I wore this! But, I really would love to see the look on his face!" She did a twirl in the mirror and then said, "Okay, now for my real pick!"

  When she came out of the dressing room the next time she had on a black crepe, knee length dress that had a sheer placket and cap sleeves and was embroidered with a floral design. The dress hugged her curves, without being too clingy and I thought she looked beautiful.

  "Oh Mom, it's stunning," I whispered.

  "Do you think so?" She asked hesitantly.

  "Definitely, Dad is going to love it," I assured her.

  "Okay! Your turn."

  I had picked out a couple of safe options. I didn't want to be too revealing, nor did I want to wear something that was going to make me look ten years older. I had learned over the years that I should enhance my chest or my legs, but not both at once. The first outfit was a low cut black pant suit with sheer sleeves. I would definitely have to tape my boobs in.

  "Nope, not it," my mother said when I came out of the fitting room.

  "I like it because it covers almost everything. I don't want to give Darren any ideas."

  "Please honey, that man has all sorts of ideas already. Just stay away from him. Plus, you'll never wear that again."

  "You're right. Okay, next!" I said, ducking back behind the fitting room door.

  The next one was strapless, skin tight and came down just below my butt. The material was some sort of blue and silver stretchy woven material, and I thought my mother would get a kick out of it.

  "How about this?" I asked my mother, as seriously as I could manage.

  "I think you forgot the skirt that goes with that top!" She laughed.

  "I think you're right!" I looked at myself in the mirror shaking my head. "Alright, one more."

  The other serious option I had chosen was a high neck black sequined dress that came to mid thigh. It showed off my legs, and I thought it looked elegant, yet young and somewhat sexy, without being over the top.