If I Break #4 Shattered Pieces

by Portia Moore

  “No cookies tonight,” I tell her for the third time. I think Mrs. Scott has gotten her accustomed to baked goods before bedtime. I pick her up and wrap my arms around her along with the big, plush, pink towel and head out of the bathroom. I’m surprised when I see Collin walk through the door. He has a big bag that says Barnes and Noble.

  “Hey,” I say and he smiles at me. A smile that still makes my heart do jumping jacks. I remind myself each time that Collin is different; even if he has the same smile, the same voice, and the same eyes that make me fall in love with him again. He sets down the bag and walks toward us, and I command my heart to slow down.

  “I have something for her,” he says before kissing her on the forehead. She palms both sides of his face.

  “You hear that Cay,” I tell her.

  He’s in a good mood, and it’s almost contagious. I want to inhale it, instead I inhale his scent. It’s so different from Chris’s and Cal’s.

  “I got something for you too, but I can’t show you until Friday.” His eyes sparkle at me, and I try to contain my smile.

  He’s got something for me. I try to hide my elation. I try to hide how good it is for a moment for things to seem easy and light. It seems like those moments were a millennium away. He’s excited, and the energy is buzzing off of him. Usually I would just smile and be polite, but curiosity has the best of me.

  “What is it?” I ask.

  “Hers or yours,” he challenges and I bite my lip to try to contain my smile.

  I fail.

  “Go and get her dressed and I can show you hers, and yours you’re going to have to wait for.” I give him a playful glare before dashing off to the room and dressing Caylen after lotioning her down.

  “She’s done.” I call out to him and in less than a minute he’s back with the bag. He sits across from us in the rocking chair—the same rocking chair that Chris would sit in and play the guitar for us—I try to push that memory out of my thoughts because it makes me sad, and I want to soak up and keep all the joy that I have right now.

  “You ready?” he asks, and I put Caylen down and she walks over to him. He opens the bag. I see her look in, but whatever is in it she can’t lift it. He reaches in and I can’t help but laugh when I see the first Harry Potter book.

  “You didn’t,” I laugh amused. One after another he pulls out the entire Harry Potter collection.

  “Really, Collin?” I laugh as Caylen observes the books but her attention is really on the covers. Collin loves Harry Potter. I never would have thought, except who wouldn’t like Harry Potter? Even though I can’t picture Chris or Cal reading it.

  “You don’t think they’re going to be a little advanced for her?” I tease him. He scoops her up in his arms and sits her on his lap. He pulls out a stuffed owl from the bag, and that already is her favorite out of the books.

  “She’s going to be advanced, right princess?” He adjusts himself in the rocking chair and opens the book successfully. Juggling her and the large book in his arms, he reads off the famous first line.

  His voice is hypnotic, and what I expect to only be a few minutes before Caylen’s attention span explodes and she becomes agitated, she doesn’t. She teeters a bit grabbing the book here and there but before long her head is on his chest and she dozes off. Still he keeps reading and I sit across from him listening to his voice, wrapped up in his tone before I drift off into dreamland myself.

  My phone wakes me up, its ringtone interrupting a dream that’s made my cheeks flush. My skin is still warm and my breath is stolen. I grab my phone, sleep in my eyes and am surprised to find myself in bed. I look at the phone and see that it’s Raven. My head lands heavily back on the pillow. I want to close my eyes and wrap myself back in my dream, it was warm and safe but strange, and I hate as each second passes it escapes me, and I mourn the loss. The phone vibrates again. Raven is persistent if nothing else. We’ve only spoken briefly this week giving her edited glimpses of the terrible headlines instead of truthful full stories. I will call her back eventually. I just wish I knew what to say to her. I don’t know how to comfort her and I hate keeping secrets but the truth will only worry. No not worry her, it will terrify her. She’s just now warming up to the fact that Chris and Cal are not the same man. To tell her that Collin has now joined the party and that Cal tried to kill someone… I don’t want to even think about that. I climb out of bed and realize Caylen isn’t in the room with me. I think back to last night and remember I fell asleep in her room on the floor.

  Remembering his voice and how it was the most intimate moment Collin and I ever shared, I’m reminded of the first time Chris played the guitar for me and I saw a different side of the man that I love. Whenever I think of love and Collin in the same sentence I feel a stab of guilt, and it’s ridiculous but if I’m honest I do feel guilty. Guilty when I notice the things that have attracted me to the man whose been the only person I’ve fallen in lust with in my life. I feel a stab of guilt when I want to be near him, that I still want him. It’s crazy and starting to drive me insane. I’ve kept my distance while being as close to him as I can and a part of me knows it’s ridiculous but another part of me thinks of it as being loyal. But loyal to who? Which one?

  They’re the same!

  “You’re going crazy, Lauren.” I tell myself quietly as I head downstairs.

  “Well, good morning sunshine.” I freeze seeing Raven holding Caylen with a look on her face that’s between pissed and smug. My eyes dart to Collin who is behind the counter, looking like he just woke up, perfectly put together, every hair in place, fully dressed and more alert than someone should be when he was up reading Harry Potter past midnight.

  Shit. What has he told her? I’m not in any shape to battle it out with Raven today about the choices that I’ve made and the consequences I should expect.

  “How long have you been here?” I ask trying to put some enthusiasm into my tone.

  “Wow, no it’s so good to see you, Raven? I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve missed you?” she says sarcastically. I let out a sigh and know that I’m going to have to put on my battle armor even though I don’t know if I can stand with it on.

  “I am, Raven. It’s just been a very long week.”

  “I can imagine. Collin was just bringing me up to date on things.” She says this tightly and my stomach drops. Ugh, why does he have to be so transparent about everything! I look at him and there is no hint of regret, awkwardness, or an ounce of uncomfortableness.

  “Thanks for that, Collin,” I say tightly.

  “I thought it’d be better to let her know everything that’s happened and to introduce myself. Save you the stress of it.” He shrugs with one arm instead of two and I’m instantly annoyed.

  “I expressed how grateful I am for his transparency. Something his counterparts or their wife hasn’t been great about,” she says sarcastically.

  I can feel that this is going to be a great day already. How long has she been down here, and what all has he told her?

  “I’m heading out for work. You ladies have a good day.” Collin finishes his orange juice, and flashes me a smile. I fight not to roll my eyes at him while he kisses Caylen before leaving.

  “It was good speaking with you, Raven,” he tells her and she smiles widely at him. I am a bit surprised to see that it doesn’t hold the trepidation or tension she had when she met Chris. She almost seems enthralled.

  “It was good speaking with you too. I will see you tonight.”

  I scold myself for how I felt last night, for warming up to him. It was an easy moment, one that I’ve missed.

  “Well, you have had a busy week,” she says tightly as soon as the door closes.

  I sigh and flop on the couch knowing what’s coming. She sits Caylen down whose attention is caught on Doc. McStuffins.

  “I’m sorry that we haven’t been able to talk,” I tell her sincerely, but my voice is already exhausted from the conversation that’s about to follow, so my apology comes of
f as dry and nonchalant.

  “You’re sorry,” her voice is already high and raised, full of indignation. “Lauren, your husband has a third alter ego,” she screeches.

  I swallow hard.

  “I had to hear it from Hillary,” she cries.

  Thanks, Hillary.

  I shake my head. “You and Hillary are best friends now, huh?” I ask a little jealous and hoping to lead off this subject.

  “Don’t you dare try to change the subject.”

  “I don’t know what Collin’s told you, but there has been so much going on,” I tell her defensively.

  “He’s told me quite a lot, but I’d love to hear it from you,” she says, and I put my head in my hands. When I don’t answer right away, she begins to lay out fact after fact, detail after detail and she knows pretty much everything that’s happened including the blow up at the Scotts which wasn’t even any of her business. Gosh Collin what a freakin' motor mouth!

  “Well, it doesn’t seem like there’s much for me to say because you know it all already.” She walks over in front of me and leans down, so we’re at eye level. “Your husband tried to kill someone! That is not okay!” she yells.

  I stand and walk to the other side of the room.

  “You don’t need to be here, Lauren. It is not safe for you and Caylen. Cal needs help, help that you can’t give him.”

  “Cal would never hurt us,” I say my voice tired but conviction peeps through.

  “Okay Cal won’t, Chris won’t. But what if some other person pops up that would!” She is pleading with me and I know she only wants the best for us. I know she’s worried but God doesn’t she know I’m worried enough, stressed to the max, and I’m holding on to my hope by loose threads and she’s not helping.

  “I may not be an expert about what DID is. I may not even be able to say if another alter will surface, or if that alter will be a jerk, but what I do know, what I will bet my life on is that there isn’t ANY part of my husband that would ever hurt me or our daughter!” I’m louder and angrier than I intended to be. Raven’s cheeks are flushed, and my own feel as if they are on fire.

  “You are betting your life you and Caylen’s, and it’s ridiculous and selfish!”

  “This is why I don’t talk to you.” My voice is quiet and weak now. I shake my head and rub the tears from my eyes.

  “I know that you’re worried and that you only say what you do because you care, but I am trying my best to deal with this. It’s hard, really hard. Can you just put yourself in my place for a moment? With all that you know that’s happened, can you think of how I feel?” Tears are falling from my eyes and through my blurred vision, I see her face soften.

  “Anything you have thought, I’ve thought it over a million times. I am already worried, I am already stressed, I am scared out of my mind that life will always be hard, and peace and easiness will never be a part of how we live. I am terrified of that, but I still have hope. If I don’t have anything else, I have hope and I can’t allow you or anyone else to take that away from me because if I lose that, I’m going to be the one in an asylum and that won’t be good for anyone. So please, I ask you, I am begging you to just support me. Please don’t make things worse.”

  Her lips press together tightly, and she lets out a frustrated sigh but nods, and just like that, it's as if she’s accepted everything. Well accept may be the wrong word. She’s going to tolerate all of this. She heads to the kitchen and starts pouring coffee for us. She tells me that Collin has booked me a massage and facial and that he wants to take me to dinner. I’m shocked by the 180—not just from Raven sucking up and being supportive—but Collin wanting to take me to dinner.

  It’s all that’s in my thoughts as the masseuse kneads away weeks of pent-up stress and frustration. What does it mean? Probably nothing. Is it an olive branch? Well not an olive branch since we haven’t been at war with one another, we’ve kept our distance though, amicably. More like cautious allies, yesterday being the first time the gap was closed. I remember that he said he had a surprise for me but that I couldn’t get it until Friday; today is Thursday. I think of the dream I had last night, one that I’m sad yet, thankful that I’ve forgotten. After my massage and facial I feel lighter, I look my age again instead of ten years older. I think of how thoughtful it was for Collin to do this. How he’s aware of almost everything. It is intimidating. I wait as the dial tone rings and Helen answers the phone half-surprised but enthusiastic.

  “How are you, Lauren?”

  “I’m… I’m making it,” I laugh half-heartedly.

  “I’m glad to hear that.”

  “Raven just got to town, and has Caylen. I was wondering if you had any free time today to talk,” I ask hesitantly. Talk, should I have said talk, should I have asked her for an appointment?

  “Have you eaten already, we could do a late lunch, would three work?”

  “Sure,” I respond. We go over the details and an hour later I’m meeting her at a new café. I make my way in and see Helen seated toward the wall. She stands and waves. I maneuver my way through the tight space, tables crowd one another, but thankfully there aren’t many people here at three. I make my way over and smile as I start to sit down, but she comes over and pulls me into a hug. I’m caught off guard but manage to reciprocate quickly.

  “I’m so glad that you called me.” She moves her hair from around her shoulders to her back. Long dark waves cascade down her shoulders, stray pieces lying on her dark blue blouse with gold buttons.

  She seems different, almost lighter, and I wonder if she is. No longer having to hold on to a secret that always stood in between us having a genuine friendship, I’m still not sure if the hole that secret left will prevent it.

  “Thank you for seeing me,” I tell her, stirring the ice in my water.

  “You look good,” she tells me and I can’t help but widen my eyes in surprise. I haven’t heard that in awhile.

  “It probably was the facial and massage Collin got me. Before that I looked like an old maid.”

  “Did you tell him to do that?” I wonder. Are Helen and Dexter secretly advising him? She smiles widely.

  “No, Collin is attentive and intuitive. He doesn’t ask for my advice.”

  “Intuitive,” I repeat, hearing the disdain in my voice.

  “Has he been seeing you?”

  “Yes, twice this week.” She sips her green tea. “Has he not told you?”

  “Yes, he did,” I tell her.

  She looks at me curiously. “You didn’t believe him?” Her smile softens.

  I shrug and let out a sigh. “I-I don’t know. I did, I didn’t, I just…” I trail off when the waitress comes and takes our order. Helen orders a salmon salad and I settle on a chicken Caesar.

  “Are you guys going to be at the dinner tonight?” I ask.

  “Not that I’m aware. Why didn’t you believe that he’d been coming to see me?”

  “I don’t know. I’m just not used to him being so honest,” I admit. “Not honest, forthcoming,” I correct myself. “It’s not that I think Cal or Chris are liars, but they both had their secrets. I just wonder what Collins’s is,” I admit.

  “How have things been?” she asks casually, but nothing is really casual about Helen.

  I go through all that’s happened. Telling her about the day Chris and Cal both made their appearance, how things have been going since. I focus on facts, and she looks on, never appearing surprised or biased in the least. By the time I’m finished, the food has arrived and we thank the waitress as Helen pops a piece of salmon in her mouth. I bow my head and say a quick prayer, a habit I’ve picked up from being around Mrs. Scott on so many occasions.

  “So there has been a lot going on, understandably so, but how do you feel about them?” she asks, and I sigh.

  “I feel like any normal person would feel. Overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated but grateful. Grateful that things aren’t completely worse, that we’ve made it past what could have been a life cha
nger. If Cal had gone through with killing Clayton, things would be so much worse right now.” I say the last part with my voice low and she nods.

  “How have you been adjusting to living life with Collin,” she asks and I shrug.

  “He’s so different,” I train my eyes on my soup and I play with the spoon.

  “But, there’s times I recognize things in him,” I feel my cheeks blush and I hate that I am blushing over him. “I-I don’t really know how to feel about him,” I say quietly. My hand massages the back of my neck, reminding me of the heavenly few hours I just spent. How he apparently extended the gesture himself.

  “You feel distant toward him?”

  I nod. “Should I not?” I ask genuinely.

  “Who is keeping the distance you or him?” Helen is listening to a side of the story she already has the other half to. I wonder what Collin talks to her about, what treatments they’re doing to bring them closer to integration.

  “I think it’s both of us,” I say only feeling a tad bit guilty.

  “You’re going to dinner tonight?”

  “Yes, It’ll be the first time it’ll be just the two of us,” my voice raises.

  “And you’re nervous?” she covers up a smile, but I’ve already seen it.

  “To be honest, yes,” I admit. “He’s so… he’s hard to read.”

  “Collin?” she asks and I wonder if she means it to come off as accusatory or if I’m just taking it that way.

  “I know he says that he’s transparent, like he’s an open book, but I don’t necessarily believe that.”

  “You think he has ulterior motives,” she asks but her tone is neutral.

  “Don’t we all,” I meet her eyes. She picks up her napkin and wipes her mouth. She then folds her hands and leans closer into the table.

  “Do you believe Cal loves you?” she asks.

  “Of course,” I answer almost defensively.

  “And Chris,” she asks and I nod.

  “Collin,” she asks and I pause.

  “I don’t know him enough to know if he loves me,” I chuckle. “I asked if he was gay. I read about that when I was researching,” I giggle to lighten the mood and even Helen cracks a smile.