by Julie Kenner
What he needed to do was get in that bathroom.
Right. No problem.
He cast one quick look back toward the bathroom door, but when Ella didn’t fling it open and apologize for being in a mood, he moved on. He hoisted one leg over the windowsill and slipped back out onto the fire escape. The bathroom window was just to the right, but unfortunately there was no grating underneath it. Still, if he balanced on the railing and leaned over, he should be able to lift the window then climb through without falling to the alley below.
Fortunately he knew one thing for certain about Ella, and that was that she hardly ever remembered to close the bathroom window. The space was too small and the steam too intense for the long showers she coveted. He’d called her on it at least a dozen times, citing the possibility that someone would break in, and she’d remember to close it for a day or two before she slid back into her bad habit.
If he thought about this hard enough, he could probably talk himself out of it. After all, he was an attorney, not a gymnast. But it wasn’t the dangers that were taking precedence in his mind, it was Ella.
That wasn’t a situation he intended to let continue. He wanted her on his team. They were a team. And he was determined to tell her that—right now. If he waited for Ella to come out voluntarily, he might as well call from Texas. He loved her, but he had no illusions about her. Ella could sulk with the best of them. And if she’d decided she was pissed off, then she was capable of staying pissed off for hours.
Which meant that he really didn’t have a choice.
He propped the flashlight on the railing, its beam aimed at the area beside the window. It provided enough light so that he could see what he was doing, and he was thankful for small favors. He leaned over as far as he could, grabbed the bottom of the window and slowly pushed it up. The oil he’d recently applied did the trick, and it rose smoothly and silently. If Ella was looking the other way, he was in business. And even if she was watching the window rise, she’d only sneak out into the other room. It wasn’t as if she’d shove him off the window.
At least, he didn’t think she would.
He swung a leg over the railing, followed by the other, so that he was sitting on the metal ledge. Next he grabbed hold of the piping that ran vertically along the building. He kept a tight grip for balance as he leaned forward, moving slowly until his fingers caught the window ledge. Then he pushed off so that both hands were on the ledge and his feet were pressed against the fire escape. Mentally he counted three, then hoisted himself up, using all the strength in his arms to pull him up and into the window.
A tight fit, but he made it. He slid through the opening, collapsed in a heap on the floor, then looked up to find Ella staring at him from the bathtub, her expression a mix of amusement and irritation.
“If you needed to go that bad, I’m sure Marjorie would have let you use her bathroom.”
“We need to talk.”
She grimaced, then nodded to the toilet as she pulled a towel off the rack and draped it over her, soaking the cloth but covering her more effectively than the smattering of bubbles.
He sat just inches from her, his fingers desperate to touch her. He knew better, though, than to try.
“What happened, El? I thought—” He closed his mouth, not sure what he’d thought. That they’d been having fun? That he’d made her see the light and she’d break up with Tony in the morning? That they’d live happily ever after? Unsure which to say, he finally settled on, “I thought we were having fun.”
“Fun.” She echoed the word. Not a question, not even a statement. Just an echo. The flatness of her voice surprised him. But the anger reflected in her eyes shocked the hell out of him. “You set me up, you son of a bitch.”
Her words hit him with the force of a slap, and from the way she’d tightened her hand on the side of the tub, a real slap might be imminent, too.
He didn’t deny it. How could he deny the truth?
“Just having fun? Just acting in the moment? Nothing that has to change our friendship? For God’s sake, Shane, did you think I wouldn’t ultimately figure it out?”
“Figure what out?” he shot back, the words coming out before he could censor his tongue. “That I’m in love with you?” It was too late to stop himself now, so he continued, “God, Ella, I hoped you would figure it out. I’ve been hoping you’d figure it out for months.”
She just sat there for a moment and then her forehead crinkled, and he saw her shoulders sag a bit, as if his words were totally unexpected. “Love me?” She shook her head slowly. “You think you love me? Is that why you tricked me?”
“Tricked you? Is that how you see this?”
“This whole evening. The dinner, the candles, the condom all ready to go in your pocket. The whole thing. We didn’t just act on the spur of the moment. You planned this. You planned and plotted and you flat-out lied to me and made me think it was all organic, just two friends looking at each other in a different light.”
She was right, of course. He had lied. But he’d told himself he’d lied for a good cause—love. Now he needed to tell her that and make her understand. From the expression on her face, though, he wasn’t sure that was going to be easy.
“I think being in love is taking a friendship to a new level.”
“You’re a bastard, Shane, you know that?” But the words lacked force, and when she tilted her head back against the side of the tub, she seemed defeated.
“How? How am I a bastard if all I’m doing is loving you?”
“Because you set out to seduce me knowing I’m in love with another man. And you risked our friendship to do it.” She ran her fingers through her hair. “God, Shane. Don’t you know that I need you in my life? I need to be able to count on you as a friend. I need you there for me, steady and real and everything you’ve always been.”
“I can’t be that man, Ella. I’m sorry if I knocked your perfectly ordered world out of kilter, but you can’t get married to Tony just because you think he’ll give you what you want. Not if you don’t really love him.”
“I do love him,” she said fiercely.
Shane ignored her and went on. “You can’t keep our friendship on hold, either. Not if it needs to grow. I did take a risk, you’re right.” He drew in a deep breath. “I risked our friendship for love. Because the truth is, El, I think you’re worth it.”
ELLA WASN’T SURE WHICH emotion was stronger. Anger, desire, fear. Shane thought she was worth it, but was she? Were they? Yes, Shane’s touch drove her wild, but sex alone wasn’t enough.
She wanted to lash out at him some more in anger, but the brutal truth was that she wasn’t so much angry as confused and scared. Flattered that he wanted her so badly but terrified of losing even one piece of the life that she’d put together so carefully. “You’re my best friend, Shane. I love you, you know that. But please don’t ask me to make our friendship into something else.”
“Our friendship already is something else.”
She closed her eyes, fighting back tears, everything she’d feared coming to fruition. Had it really been less than twenty-four hours since she’d had that fantasy about Shane in the library? How could so much have happened in so short a time?
“We love each other,” she admitted. “We do. But as friends. And so help me, we’re damn good together in bed. But heat isn’t enough. Don’t you get it? Love is about more than just heat. With Tony I have a whole life, a family. A whole future laid out for me.” That was why people got married. For the fairy tale and the happily ever after. It’s what she wanted more than anything, and it was what Tony could give her.
“Except that you don’t love Tony,” he said, his words stinging as sharply as ice.
“Of course I do!”
“No, El, you don’t. You love the idea of Tony and you love Leah and Matty, but you don’t love him. Not like that. Not like you love me.”
“Dammit, Shane!” Her temper flared. “You’re so damn arrogant. And you don’t have any right—”
“Yes, I do. I’m your best friend. I have every right in the world to save you from the worst mistake of your life.”
“I’m warning you, Shane. You’re walking a fine line. Keep talking and you’re going to regret it. We both are. I love Tony, and that’s final.”
“So you say, but what you really love is his family.”
“Yes!” she screamed before she could censor her words. “Yes, that’s part of it. I’ll admit it. So what’s wrong with that? There’s no one else, no one, who can give me that. You sure as hell can’t.” He flinched a little at that, but he had to know it was true. After all, his family rivaled hers for lack of warm fuzzies.
“We can make our own family, El. A real family, the kind we want. Not the kind we were born into. And not one you decided to cling to because you were afraid of growing old alone.” He drew in a breath. “I want you, El. I want us. And I want to make this work.”
“Those are just words, Shane. What about action? Are you planning to stay here in NewYork? With me?”
“You know I can’t do that.”
She licked her lips, realizing only then that she’d been willing him to say yes. “I don’t want a long-distance family, Shane,” she whispered. “Tony’s real and he’s here and he’s now.”
“El, I have to take this job. You know that.”
A rope of anger whipped through her. “So you want me but on your terms. Gee, that reminds me of someone. Who could it be? Oh yeah, my mom.” She spat the last word, unable to stop the tears from streaming down her face. “She wanted a kid but only when it was convenient. Like when she needed to parade me around to show her clients what a great mommy she was.”
“That’s not fair,” he said, his voice so soft and reasonable that it absolutely infuriated her.
“No, you’re right. It’s incredibly unfair. But it’s the truth, and I have to live with it every day of my life.”
“Dammit, El, if I stayed, would that be enough? Would you tell Tony it’s over? Would you stay with me?”
She thought about calling his bluff, but he deserved an honest answer. She shook her head, the motion barely perceptible. “No. I’m sorry. No.”
She couldn’t stay there any longer. She stood up, the towel heavy and dripping water. He’d seen her naked, but he hadn’t really seen her vulnerable as she was now, and she took great care to slip her robe on without him seeing any skin. She moved across the floor, leaving a trail of water, then headed straight for the front door.
She unlocked it and moved out into the hall, closing the door behind her. Her chest was so tight, she could barely breathe, and she leaned against the wall, sucking in air and telling herself she’d done the right thing. And she had. Of course she had.
One minute passed, then another, then another. She kept expecting the door to open and Shane to storm into the hall and demand to talk to her, just as he’d crawled in through the window. Despite her mood, the memory brought a smile to her face. She had to give the guy credit; he was definitely going all out. And apparently he knew when to stop, too. They’d needed the confrontation in the bathroom, she knew that. She’d gone to hide when really she should have just had it out with him.
Now she wasn’t hiding. They’d said it all. Now she was stewing. And Shane knew her well enough to understand that she needed to be left alone.
Would Tony understand those little quirks?
She frowned at the uninvited question. Of course he would. She’d known Shane for close to twenty years. It just made sense that he already knew. Tony would catch up in time.
And Shane just had to realize that’s the way it was. She’d found her mate, and it wasn’t Shane.
SHE DIDN’T STAY OUTSIDE as long as he’d expected, and when she came back in, her face was set. Her professional expression. His gut twisted. This was the look of a woman about to walk into an oral examination, not a woman about to greet the love of her life.
“I’m sorry I ran out,” she said. “We should probably talk.”
“I want you,” he said. Abrupt maybe. But what else was there to say?
“I want you, too,” she said, but not with the tone he longed for. And as the seconds passed, he felt more and more desolate.
“Just tell me what you came back in to say, Ella. We might as well get through this quickly.”
She flinched as if he’d slapped her, and he wanted to put his arms around her and comfort her. But he was the last person she’d want to take comfort from right then. He’d been the one to push them to the breaking point, he knew that. And maybe he should have never even broached the subject. But that would have meant living the rest of his life as a lie, pretending he felt less than he did every time he saw or spoke to Ella.
He supposed he could have just eased out of her life without any real explanation. But that would have hurt both of them. At least this way he was being honest.
And what really burned his butt was that Ella wasn’t meeting him halfway; she wasn’t being honest. Unfortunately he couldn’t just put her on the stand and cross-examine the truth out of her. He had to wait for Ella to admit the truth herself…if she ever did.
At the moment, though, she wasn’t saying anything. “Ella?” he prompted.
She’d been looking down, and now she tilted her head just enough so that he could see the hint of tears clinging to her lashes. Again he felt the impulse to take her in his arms, but right now he was in limbo, neither friend nor lover. He kept his feet glued to the spot.
“We’re good together, Shane. In and out of bed, we’re good.”
She was saying the right words, but he knew her well enough to recognize this speech wasn’t going to end well. His body tensed as he mentally predicted where she’d go next, while hoping like hell he was wrong.
“But I’m with Tony. You know I am.”
“So you’ve told me.”
Her face flushed, her temper obviously flaring. “Dammit, Shane, don’t you see? You’re my best friend. What if we started dating and it all fell apart? How could we salvage it? If I lose you—” She closed her mouth, turning abruptly from him as if she’d said too much.
He wanted to shake her and tell her she was being absurd. Even more, he wanted to shake her mother for giving Ella material goods but not giving her anything she actually needed.
He forced himself to stay level and reasonable, not to sound accusatory. But he needed to know. He really, really needed to know. “Do you truly believe you love Tony? That you can love him for the rest of your life?”
“I’m going to marry him, Shane,” she said. “Don’t insult me by asking that again.”
He cringed, but nodded.
“Look,” she said, leaning forward and putting her head in her hands, “you know how important you are to me. How important our friendship is. I don’t want to ruin that. You promised this thing between us wouldn’t screw it all up.”
He took a deep breath, not wanting to say it but owing her the truth. “I’m sorry, El. I meant it when I said it, but now…well, I think I lied.”
“What?”
“Everything’s changed now. And, yeah, I did that. I came here tonight planning to win you over, just as I’d win a court case. I admit that. I had my evidence, my props—hell, I even made up those damn stories. Took three days and a hell of a lot of wine, but I did it because I needed to get through to you. Somehow I was going to make you see.”
“You wrote—”
“But I knew going in that I could lose and Tony could win. I could live with that. And now it’s happened. I lost. First time I’ve lost a case, and it’s the first time it’s been truly important to me.” He drew in a breath, determined to keep his voice steady. “But you lose, too, Ella. I may be losing the love of my life, but you’re losing your best friend.”
“What are you talking about—no.” She shook her head. “Shane, no. Don’t do this to me.”
Her eyes filled with tears, and his resolve wavered. But he knew he had to do this. There wasn
’t a middle ground here. He couldn’t hover in the distance, the best friend that the husband didn’t trust. The one who had the hots for the wife. He couldn’t be that man.
“You’re the best friend I ever had, Ella. And I doubt anyone can ever be a better one. But I told you tonight that our friendship had changed.” He moved to the door, opened it. “You’ll survive just fine without me. I’m not your only close friend anymore. And, you know, if all else fails, you can talk it over with Tony.”
“You son of a bitch.” Cold shock had painted her face, and the words came out an icy whisper. “So it’s choose you or lose you?”
“Yeah. That about sums it up.”
And then he stepped over the threshold and into the hall. He started down the stairs, expecting to hear her calling after him. But she didn’t.
He hit the fifth-floor landing and paused, closing his eyes and exhaling. Because he couldn’t quite believe that he’d just walked away from Ella, from the woman he loved.
Even more, he couldn’t believe he’d lost her.
12
ELLA STARED AT THE DOOR, feeling shell-shocked and not at all sure whether she should cry or— She frowned, realizing that there was no “or.” Crying was the best and only option.
No.
She needed to pull herself together. She needed to focus on the fact that she’d made the right decision and that she would get through this.
She needed to talk.
The irony, of course, was that she needed to talk to her best friend, and he was now pounding the pavement. He had a lot of walking to do to get back to his apartment, because the power was still out, which meant the subways weren’t running.
Well, that was fine. She could just find someone else to talk to. And with anger fueling her every move, she dug in her purse for her cell phone. She’d turned it off after Tony had called, and now she turned it back on. One bar of juice left. That would probably be enough.
She punched in the number, tapping her foot while she waited to hear a voice at the other end of the line. As soon as she did, she sagged in relief, then immediately stiffened in horror as she realized who she’d called—and what it meant that she’d called Leah instead of Tony.
