by Kes Gray
“Cover your ears!” I shouted.
Colin and Harry dropped down onto the snow and covered their ears as the herd of floating mammoths suddenly exploded with the heat of five thousand hairdryers! It wasn’t just luck, it was a full-on prehistoric miracle!
The heat from the hairdryers was more than enough to melt everything back to normal and stop the Ice Age from happening for at least another million years. Three cavemen – but mostly me – had saved the world with nothing more than a slingshot and a barrow-load of Pterodactyl eggs! Even with my mission skills and experience I could barely believe it.
“I can see!” shouted Colin, instantly getting his sight back.
“Me too!” cheered Harry.
Harry and Colin were right to be pleased, because although I was basically the one who had saved the world, I would never have been able to do it if they hadn’t found the Pterodactyl eggs.
It was 17:17 hundred hours BC by the time we had finished our caveman celebrations, and 17:25 by the time we had headed back to our bikes.
In the space of just one day, our amazing teamwork had stopped hairy spybrows, hairy hairdrying mammoths and even a new Ice Age.
“Where are we going next?” Colin asked.
“Valentino’s shop.” I smiled. “Before it closes at six o’clock!”
CHAPTER 12
I wasn’t christened Jack “Dragon” Beechwhistle. I chose the Dragon bit myself. Most of the children in my class at school have middle names; some even have two middle names. My mum and dad didn’t have time to think of a middle name for me, so I decided I’d come up with something for myself.
Dragons are my favourite animals. I like dragons because they have no fear. Even if they couldn’t breathe fire I reckon they would have no fear; you can see it in their eyes.
Having no fear is an essential part of being a world defence agent, even a junior one. Especially when you’re on a mission that takes you right into the heart of enemy territory.
I had never actually been into a hairdresser’s shop in my life. My mum has always cut my hair at home with the kitchen scissors. But to get the information I needed, I had no choice.
I had decided that when we got to Valentino’s, I would let Harry and Colin stay outside the shop. They had already suffered enough at the hands of Valentino and the hairy mammoths, and anyway I needed them to guard the bikes.
When I told Harry and Colin that we were going to Valentino’s, I think they thought I was going to get my hair cut too. But that wasn’t my plan at all. My plan was to walk in, wait in the queue, watch Valentino’s every move and then run out before it was my turn to sit down in his chair. That way I could see precisely what he was up to and see exactly how big that big bag of hair truly was.
At least, that was my plan.
We arrived outside Valentino’s at 17:51 hundred hours. Just nine minutes before closing.
WORLD DEFENCE TIP:
Before you enter an enemy-occupied building, have a good look through the windows first.
The problem was, when I walked into the shop it was empty, which meant there was no one in the queue or the chair. Plus the stupid bell above the door rang, so Valentino noticed me straight away.
“Take a seat!” Valentino said, before I had a chance to even think about escaping.
The moment he flapped his gown at me, I knew I had an impossible choice – give up on my investigation or take a hit for the team. As a leader of men, I had no choice but to lead. I gritted my teeth. I sat down on the chair. And I let Valentino do his worst.
Valentino was a pro. He had a couple of pairs of scissors and two combs in his pockets. And those were just the evil instruments I could see. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d even more tucked into his socks. Before you could say “snip”, he had me exactly where he wanted me, gown on, seat adjusted, rubber mat weighing me down.
“What would you like?” he asked, pressing both hands down on my shoulders and staring at my reflection in the mirror.
His eyebrows definitely looked like hairy caterpillars. He even had hairy caterpillars poking out of his ears.
“An extremely light trim,” I told him. “An extremely, really, really light trim – just a bit off the back – nowhere else please.”
But it was hopeless. Valentino wasn’t interested in anything I had to say. He didn’t care what haircut I wanted at all. All he wanted to do was sit me in his evil seat, take his evil scissors out of his evil pocket and do his evil worst. I might just as well have answered, “I’ll have a baldie please, Valentino,” because that’s exactly what I got.
“You like?” he asked me, holding up a mirror and moving it from both sides of my head to the back.
“Very nice, thanks,” I said, not wanting him to know who he was dealing with.
On any other mission, I would have got out of there, and got out fast. But I needed to see what Valentino was going to do with my chopped-off hair. Would he sweep it up like Harry had said? And if so, would he add it to the giant bag that Colin and Harry had seen?
I didn’t have to wait long to find out.
CHAPTER 13
The instant I climbed out of the hairdresser’s chair, Valentino slipped the rubber mat and gown off my shoulders and shook all my snips of hair onto the floor. Then, without a word of warning, he turned and disappeared out of sight.
I was alone for two seconds. All three seed packets were still in my jeans pocket, and when Valentino returned from the room at the back of his shop, I had my emergency meeting notes at the ready.
Colin’s description of Valentino’s broom had been spot on. It was red at the sweeping end and had a long white handle. It came with a matching dustpan and brush too.
Then I saw the bag!
Red hair, brown hair, blond hair, black hair, long hair, short hair, curly hair, frizzy hair, Colin’s hair, Harry’s hair – and now MY HAIR! I had no idea there had been so many victims before me!!
But then things got really serious.
“Four pounds fifty, please,” Valentino said, leaning his broom against the wall and putting the dustpan and brush on top of his big bulging bag.
Four pounds fifty? I thought. For a scalping? I had never imagined that he would actually ask me to pay!
But Valentino wasn’t joking. He was deadly serious. His eyes were staring straight at me, his spybrows raised, his arm out and the palm of his hand open.
I looked at his evil fingers. They were the fingers that had scalped a thousand scalps. Even if I’d had any money, even if I’d had 10p – even if I’d had 5p – even if I’d had 1p – there was no way I would have put it into Valentino’s mitts.
WORLD DEFENCE ESCAPE TIP:
If you’re cornered by a hairdresser who isn’t a real hairdresser, but he’s asking you for real money, RUN!
So I ran!
Head down.
Nerves jangling.
I was out of there in a FLASH!
CHAPTER 14
I had never run out of a shop without paying before! My heart was absolutely blamming as I raced through the door.
“LEG IT!” I shouted the moment I saw Colin and Harry. “I haven’t paid!”
As soon as they realized that Valentino was after me, they stopped grinning at my haircut and grabbed their bikes.
“I’LL CALL THE POLICE!” shouted Valentino, as he burst through the door with his eyebrows out of control.
WORLD DEFENCE SUPER-FAST ESCAPE TIP:
For super-fast escapes make sure your bike can switch to emergency total-turbo motorbike power.
We needed to escape and we needed to escape FAST! Luckily, our bikes had a nifty trick up their sleeves.
“TURBO TIME!” I shouted.
Our total-turbo-driving skills were more than a match for Valentino – there was no way he could ever catch us on our bikes. Down the High Street, through the park and across Scorched Urf we sped. Hoods up, heads down, tyres smoking, we were probably halfway home before Valentino had stopped shaking
his fist!
“YAHOOO!” cheered Colin.
“HAVE WE LOST HIM?!” gasped Harry, screeching to a halt outside his front gate.
“TAKE COVER!” I shouted, pointing up at the sky. “He’s chasing us in a helicopter!”
It was true. A helicopter was totally hovering in the sky above us, and there was no doubt in my mind that it was Valentino.
WORLD DEFENCE TIP:
If you are being chased by the enemy in a helicopter, jump off your bike, cover yourself with camouflage and lie low.
Thank goodness we had Bunker H to hide in!
Bunker H is the emergency underground bunker in Harry’s back garden. We built it in case of an alien attack. Big enough for me, Colin and Harry and all three of our bikes to get under, it was perfect as a hiding place now.
“OK, men,” I said, taking total command. “Lie perfectly still and breathe only if you have to.”
“I need to pant!” gasped Colin.
“Me too,” gulped Harry. “I’ve never been so puffed out!”
“Then pant quietly,” I ordered. “I can only lead you to safety if you do exactly as I say!”
“Valentino must be pretty angry to chase us in a helicopter,” whispered Colin.
“I think he’s going!” said Harry, high-fiving Colin as the helicopter passed overhead.
“Just because we can’t see him doesn’t mean he isn’t there,” I told them. “If his helicopter has long-range listening devices, then he could be parked up behind a cloud waiting to hear what our next move is.”
“Do you think he has called the police?” whispered Colin.
“No way,” I said. “He won’t want the police sniffing around his evil operation.”
“You don’t think his helicopter fires missiles, do you?” whispered Harry, poking his head out of our bunker and peering up at the sky.
“Probably,” I said. “But if it does, our force fields will deflect them.”
“And if they don’t deflect his missiles, we’ll just dodge them.” Colin smiled.
“Maybe we’ll just catch the missiles and throw them straight back at him!” laughed Harry.
“Too right!” I nodded, but there was no need to worry. At 18:47 hundred hours, I gave the all clear.
CHAPTER 15
We had escaped Valentino’s helicopter, but we hadn’t defeated Valentino. He had Colin’s hair in his bag. He had Harry’s hair in his bag. And now he had topped it up with my hair too.
Was it possible that he was up to something EVEN BIGGER?
“I wish we knew where Valentino lived,” I said, crawling out of Bunker H on my hands and knees and double-checking the sky. “If we knew where he lived, we could check out his house and his laboratories.”
“I know where he lives,” said Harry, following me out and then jumping to his feet. “My cousin Jeremy delivered a newspaper to his house once.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” I gasped.
WORLD DEFENCE IMPORTANT INFORMATION TIP:
Never withhold important information, especially if it’s key to the success of a mission.
“I forgot,” said Harry. “And anyway, you didn’t ask.”
“So where does he live then?” I asked.
“On the Millsham Lodge Estate,” Harry continued. “Maple Avenue, last house on the left before the first bend. Valentino told Jeremy off for delivering his newspaper ‘American style’.”
“What’s ‘American style’?” asked Colin.
“It’s when you throw the news-paper at the front door instead of posting it through the letter box,” said Harry. “It was the first day of Jeremy’s paper round. Valentino was coming out of his front door that morning just as Jeremy threw it.”
“Did it hit him?” I asked.
Harry shook his head. “Not exactly. If you’re going to do a paper round ‘American style’, I think you’re meant to put rubber bands around the newspapers after you’ve rolled them up to hold them together. Jeremy didn’t have any rubber bands.”
“So what happened?” asked Colin.
“Valentino’s newspaper kind of fell apart and then blew all over his garden,” said Harry. “Apparently the crossword ended up in a puddle. Valentino went mental. And he reported my cousin to the newsagent.”
“What did the newsagent say?” I asked.
“He gave Jeremy the sack,” said Harry. “After one day.”
“What, all because of one measly newspaper?” asked Colin.
“Not exactly,” said Harry. “He’d been delivering his newspapers ‘American style’ to five other streets before he got to Valentino’s. I think there were newspapers in puddles everywhere.”
“No wonder he knows where Valentino lives,” I said, pulling a seed packet out of my back pocket and adding the enemy scientist’s address to my notes.
“Jeremy refuses to get his hair cut at Valentino’s now,” Harry added.
“I don’t blame him!” I said, rubbing my hand over my scalped scalp.
It was only seven o’clock, but before I could even point us in the direction of our next mission our day was suddenly ended by shouts from Harry and Colin’s mums.
It was time for them to go in for their dinner.
And their bath.
And then bed.
It was the same every night for Colin and Harry: bed at eight o’clock, EVEN in the school holidays!
“If we know where Valentino lives, why don’t we check out his house tomorrow?” said Colin, dragging his bike out of Bunker H and then wheeling it across Harry’s back lawn. “It will be Saturday, so he won’t even be at home, he’ll be at work!”
“We can sneak into his garden and look through his windows and everything!” said Harry.
Harry and Colin were learning fast. They had already guessed where the next day’s mission would be.
“OK, men,” I said. “We will meet outside Harry’s house tomorrow morning at nine o’clock sharp. We’ll have a breakfast briefing in our secret den at 09:30 hundred hours – sooner if we can.”
We always have breakfast briefings in our secret den on Saturday mornings. It’s totally the best way to prepare for dangerous weekend missions.
“Colin, bread. Harry, sauce. I’ll bring the bacon,” I said, wheeling my bike through Harry’s front gate and then crossing the road to my house.
“Will do!” they shouted.
“Goodness, that’s short!” I heard Harry’s mum gasp as Harry went inside.
“Ooh, my word!” shrieked Colin’s mum as she saw Colin’s haircut for the first time too. “You’ve been scalped!”
“I only asked for a light trim!” moaned Colin as he disappeared through the front door.
I didn’t even ask for that, I thought, giving my head an unlucky rub.
There were no two ways about it: Valentino had a lot to answer for and I was determined to see that he answered for it big time.
As I watched the front doors to Harry and Colin’s houses close, my tummy began to rumble. All that talk of bacon sandwiches had really got my juices going. It was time I headed home for dinner too!
Well, it was time I headed home.
CHAPTER 16
My mum doesn’t really do dinner during the week. She sometimes does takeaways, but when she and Dad get back from the pub, I’m usually in bed. Sometimes I have what’s left for my breakfast.
My house was empty when I got in. It’s always empty on a Friday night. Actually it’s empty most nights because my mum and dad need to go down the pub.
My dad has to go down the pub much more than he wants to, for important World Defence Agency business. My mum has to go with him an awful lot too, just to cover his back.
Once I went down to the pub car park to see if I could see them through the window. But when my dad saw me, he came outside and told me I needed to go home straight away. Apparently the pub was full of enemy agents and he was worried they might work out that I’d been recruited to be a world defence agent too.
I’ve kind of got used to being on my own in the house now.
The best thing about being on your own in the house is you can choose anything that you want for dinner! Provided you can find it in the fridge or the cupboards and provided you can cook it.
There were only three pieces of bacon in the fridge when I looked, and I would need those for my meeting with Colin and Harry the next morning. There were lots of lagers, but I’m not allowed to drink those, and there was a piece of chicken that didn’t smell very nice.
The cereal boxes I looked in were empty and the things in the freezer would take ages to thaw.
In the end I decided to have bread.
The good thing about bread is you can eat it raw, which is brilliant because I couldn’t find any butter either. Learning to eat things raw is a key survival skill, especially if you’re lost on a mission and there’s no way of doing any cooking.
The other good thing about bread is it’s already sliced.
The bread I made that Friday was delicious. I ate about five slices before I even sat down!
My house sounds really quiet when I’m sitting indoors on my own. That evening it was so quiet I could hear every chew of my bread.
Instead of putting on the telly, I decided to sit by the window. I had thinking to do – serious thinking – about what Valentino had been up to and what he might be up to next.
Harry was definitely right. Valentino had added my hair to his evil collection now. What if he was already using my hair to invent something even hairier? What if his house had bags of hair piled up in every room? There would be no limit to his hairy evilness!
