by Kes Gray
“Because the more children’s hair he cuts off, the more robot hairy caterpillars he can make!” I said.
“THERE ARE MORE?” gasped Colin.
“There are more, all right.” I nodded. “And I know just where to find them. Grab your bikes, follow me, and don’t forget to put the lid back on the water butt!”
“Where are we going?” asked Harry.
“Half Moon Lane!” I shouted.
CHAPTER 5
I was kicking myself. I had discovered a ditch FULL of hairy caterpillars just two evenings before, but it was only after seeing and hearing about Harry and Colin’s haircuts that I’d realized my mistake. They weren’t hairy caterpillars at all – they were SPYBROWS! The evidence was right in front of our eyes in the ditch at Half Moon Lane.
“This is what Valentino is making with your hair!” I whispered. “See here? He’s using the hair from children’s haircuts to create living, breathing, creeping, crawling enemy-agent spy gadgets!”
“There’s hundreds of them!” said Harry, pointing at a long bramble stalk that was crawling with them. “They’re eating the leaves! I didn’t know robots ate leaves!”
“All part of the disguise,” I told him. “Don’t get too close. If they jump at your face they could attach themselves to you for life!”
“How do they attach themselves?” asked Colin, leaning back sharply.
“They have special Velcro feet that can stick fast to human eyebrows,” I said. “Once they’re attached you can never shake them off.”
“But why are there so many of them?” asked Harry.
“The more spy-brows Valentino makes, the more information he can gather,” I told him.
“Spybrows make pretty good moustaches as well actually,” said Harry, hooking his finger over his top lip and grinning back at me and Colin.
“This is no laughing matter, Harry.” I frowned. “What if Valentino’s spybrows are just the tip of an evil hairy iceberg? What if Valentino has even bigger inventions planned?”
“There was an awful lot of hair in his bag,” said Harry.
“He could make a hairy gorilla with the amount of hair he had in that bag!” said Colin.
“He could make a hairy mammoth!” said Harry with a chuckle.
Colin laughed too, but I didn’t. What Harry had said was SeriouS with a capital S. At both ends.
“Back on your feet!” I shouted, leaping up from the grass and racing back to my bike.
“Where are we going now?” gasped Harry.
“Dino Valley!” I shouted. “Things are about to get even hairier!”
CHAPTER 6
Some of the best missions we’ve ever had have been at Dino Valley: dinosaur missions, caveman missions, sabre-toothed tiger missions, fungus-face fossil missions … I’m telling you, Dino Valley is one of the most dangerous places on earth. When you stand by the fence and look down into it, it kind of looks like a lumpy Sahara Desert with steeper sides. When you get to the bottom of the valley and look up, it’s like being in a completely different world.
According to legend, Dino Valley was once a working quarry. Big yellow lorries used to drive back and forth out of the gates all day, carrying stones and sand to builders. But for two years now the big metal gates have been padlocked shut.
Some people say the stones and sand dried up, but I heard different. Apparently, one day about two years ago, a massive digger was digging for gravel and sand in one of the oldest parts of the quarry when the grabber on the digger hit something hard. It was the giant stone door to a prehistoric world.
The man controlling the digger had no idea he had hit a secret door. All he heard was a clonk. Thinking it was just a big piece of stone, he raised the grabber higher and then brought it down again ten times harder.
This time there was more than a clonk – there was a KERRANGGGG!!! and then a CRACK!! and then a SCREEEEAAAAMMMM! as the digger driver realized what he had done. But it was too late. Before he could turn the digger round, the door to the prehistoric world opened wide, a Tyrannosaurus Rex loomed out, grabbed him and ate him. And the digger. Then guess what? A Titanosaurus stomped out and ate the T. Rex!
No chewing, no nothing, just one great big gulp!
That very same day the quarry was closed for good and Dino Valley was born.
Dinosaurs have roamed the valley ever since and people have totally stayed away. Apart from me, Colin and Harry. Nothing can stop a junior world defence agent and his men from entering Dino Valley. Especially when there is a big hole in the fence.
We got to Dino Valley just after 15:00 hundred hours. Colin was the first one to squeeze through, then me. We needed two pairs of hands to pull the wire back far enough to get our bikes through the hole, but once Harry had lifted them through and then climbed through himself, we were almost good to go.
Bikes camouflaged, we stared down at the valley floor.
WORLD DEFENCE DINOSAUR-APPROACH TIP:
Always camouflage your bikes before entering dinosaur territory. Otherwise they might get eaten.
“OK, men,” I said. “If Valentino has the evil scientific skills to turn hair from children’s haircuts into spybrows, then evil, rampaging hairy mammoths could definitely be part of his plan too.”
“Why don’t you ask World Defence HQ if they’ve seen any signs of them?” asked Harry.
Colin nodded. “If they have, they might be able to give us some hairy mammoth defence tips.”
Colin and Harry were learning fast. World Defence HQ had the satellite technology to give us all the information we needed.
“Agent J to World Defence HQ. Over,” I said, giving my earlobe another squeeze. “Do you copy? Over.
“Yes, spybrows located, Half Moon Lane …
“Now arrived, Dino Valley … Valentino … Enemy agent, yes … Hairy mammoths …
“Dangerous? How dangerous …?
“Hairy? How hairy …!?
“Powerful? How powerful …!!?
“Masterplan? What masterplan …?
“WORLD? THE ENTIRE WORLD …?!
“Message received. Leave it to us!!!”
CHAPTER 7
There was good news and bad news. The good news was, World Defence HQ had sent planes to sprinkle Half Moon Lane with Velcro grass seed. As soon as it began to grow, the feet of every single spybrow would be stuck fast to the Velcro blades. Valentino’s spybrows wouldn’t be going anywhere.
The bad news was, Valentino’s hairy mammoths weren’t just on the rampage, they were more hairy and more dangerous than I’d ever imagined; so dangerous that I could hardly bring myself to tell Colin and Harry the awful truth. In fact I decided it was better not to tell them anything until we had reached the valley floor.
Going back in time is one of the most dangerous things a world defence agent can ever do, especially at Dino Valley.
It was 15:11 hundred hours AD when we started our climb from the top and almost 15:21 hundred hours BC when we arrived at the bottom. That’s the way Dino Valley works – the lower you climb, the further back in time you go. The moment you put your foot down on the valley floor, everything turns prehistoric.
“Are you ready to turn into cavemen?” I shouted, just one footstep from the bottom.
“WE are!” cheered Harry and Colin.
“Then get ready to turn into cavemen!” I shouted.
The instant we turned into cavemen, I set about briefing Colin and Harry.
“Listen,” I told them, putting both hands to my ears. “Can you hear that?”
“Hear what?” asked Harry.
“The sound of prehistoric hair-dryers.” I frowned. “According to World Defence HQ, Valentino hasn’t just been making hairy mammoths, he’s been using evil hairdressing technology to create the most dangerous type of hairy mammoth the world has ever seen!”
“How do you mean?” gasped Colin.
“I mean, instead of his mammoths having normal trunks, they’ve got massive hairy hairdryers for trunks instea
d!”
“HAIRY HAIRDRYERS FOR TRUNKS!!” Harry shuddered.
“MASSIVE hairy hairdryers for trunks.” I nodded. “But that’s not all. Each trunk has the power of a hundred hairdryers! Switched to maximum, they can blow away anything that stands in their path: trees, bushes, boulders, mountains, T. Rexes …!”
“Us,” gulped Colin.
“How are we going to stand up to mammoths that have got massive hairdrying trunks?” gasped Harry.
“We’ll just have to,” I told him. “Because if we don’t, Valentino will use his hairy creations to take over the ENTIRE WORLD!”
“THE ENTIRE WORLD!” gasped Colin. “BUT HOW!?”
CHAPTER 8
Like all mad scientists’ plans, Valentino’s weren’t just evil, they were evil genius.
“HQ says that Valentino has programmed his hairy mammoths to blow away everything in their path,” I told Colin and Harry, “starting with Dino Valley and then moving on to the outside world.”
“The outside world?” said Harry. “But that’s where we live!”
“It won’t be if Valentino gets his evil way,” I told them. “If Valentino’s mammoths get out of Dino Valley, they will blow away every building on the planet: every house, every office, every tower block, every tepee, every igloo, every palace, every mud hut, every tent, even every cave. When they’ve finished, there will be no places to live anywhere on the planet.”
“But why would Valentino want to do that?” asked Colin.
“Because there is a new Ice Age coming,” I told him, “and when it hits, humans will need places to live in and keep warm.”
“Like homes and buildings!” said Harry.
“Homes and buildings with central heating.” I nodded. “No homes, no shelter; no shelter, no warmth.”
“No warmth, no humans!” gasped Colin.
“No humans except Valentino.” I frowned. “If his evil plan works, the planet will be turned into one giant snowball. Valentino will be the only one left, which means he will have total control of the entire world.”
“But how will Valentino survive the new Ice Age?” asked Harry. “If the temperatures are so cold and there is nowhere to live, how will he manage to keep warm?”
“Super-hairy Ice-Age-proof thermal suits,” I told them. “Valentino’s been using his bag of hairs to make hairy clothing too.”
“Is there anything hairy he can’t make from his evil haircuts?” gasped Colin.
“I’m afraid not,” I told them. “He is a total evil genius and he has to be stopped!”
“When will the new Ice Age arrive?” asked Harry.
“According to HQ, in about an hour and a half,” I said, “so we’re going to have to work fast!”
WORLD DEFENCE WEAPON-MAKING TIP:
Use things in the environment to craft awesome mission-winning weapons.
CHAPTER 9
As soon as my Stone-Age briefing was over, we set about making our essential caveman weapons.
Luckily there was a bush we could chop bits off, pieces of wood we could carve and a long piece of caveman string left over from a prehistoric tug-of-war.
In no time at all, we had all the Stone-Age weaponry we could ever need!
It was a forty-mile trek to the hairy mammoths’ lair. After a quarter of an hour of really fast marching, our food supplies had already begun to run low.
“Eat stones,” I told Harry and Colin after twenty minutes of crawling. After five more minutes, our water bottles were completely empty.
“Suck stones,” I told them. “And if you see a dinosaur, try and drink its sweat … without it seeing,” I added.
Without my survival knowledge, we would have died for sure, but with it, nothing could stop us.
The sound of distant hairdryers had been growing louder with our every step, and I was certain that trouble would soon be looming.
“Rest here for a moment,” I commanded, licking my finger and then holding it up above my head to check the breeze.
Something in the air had changed.
WORLD DEFENCE SURVIVAL TIP:
Use finger-sucking skills to check changes in wind speed and direction.
Not only was the sound of hairdryers growing louder – the breeze from the hairdryers was growing stronger too!
“How long till we see them?” asked Colin.
“Sharpen your spears, raise your clubs!” I shouted. “They’re about to catch up with us NOW!!”
CHAPTER 10
The moment we turned the corner of the valley, the sound of hurricane-force hairdryers filled the air.
“On your feet!” I shouted, as a herd of about fifty hairdrying mammoths came stampeding straight towards us with their trunks switched to maximum power.
“Shield your eyes!” I shouted, as the mammoths got up close. “If they dry out our eyeballs, we’ll go blind!”
Our weapons were poised, but the force of the mammoths’ trunks was off the scale. Massive dinosaurs were flying straight over our heads and boulders were whistling past our ears!
“Hold your nerve!” I yelled, standing tall and then aiming my spear. “Aim right between their eyes!” I commanded, wrenching my spear back and then throwing it with all my strength.
Colin and Harry followed my lead, but it was no good. Our spears just blew away like leaves in the wind.
“Their trunks are too powerful!” shouted Colin.
“I can barely keep my feet on the ground!” yelled Harry.
“Try and get in close with your clubs,” I shouted, doing a triple roly-poly across the valley floor and then springing into action.
But it was hopeless. Our weapons were no match for the super-hardness of a hairy mammoth’s tusks. Valentino had thought of everything!
I looked up at the sky. It wasn’t just dinosaurs and boulders whizzing through the air now. A full-on snow blizzard had started too!
“THE ICE AGE IS COMING! Just as HQ warned!” I pointed. “Look at the sky. In about two minutes the whole of the planet will be frozen!”
“If the planet freezes, we’ll freeze too,” gasped Harry.
“Stand firm!” I commanded. “It’s time to show these hairy mammoths what junior world defence agents are made of!”
CHAPTER 11
Our spears were lost and our clubs were in pieces. The only weapon we had left was a lasso!
Could I lasso a mammoth? No way.
Could I tie up a mammoth with a lasso? No way.
Could I trip up a mammoth with a lasso? No way.
But could I stop a mammoth with a lasso? Yes way!
By changing it into a slingshot!
“Pterodactyl eggs!” I shouted. “Fetch me as many Pterodactyl eggs as you can find!”
Colin and Harry raced off to find Pterodactyl eggs while I untied the knot on my lasso.
“What are you going to do with them?” panted Harry, racing back with a prehistoric wheelbarrow full of giant eggs.
As soon as I had finished retying my rope into a slingshot, I loaded it with my first Pterodactyl egg.
“Slingshot skills,” I shouted. “Watch and learn!
“Take that!” I shouted, firing my first giant egg straight down the end of a mammoth’s trunk.
“Bullseye!!!!!” I whooped, swinging my slingshot around my head and doing a caveman victory dance.
The first mammoth’s eyes bulged BIG TIME and its cheeks began to blow up like a balloon.
“Double bullseye!” I yelled, as my second egg blocked another hairdrying trunk like a cork.
“Forty-eight more to go!” Harry shouted, handing me my third egg.
“Triple bullseye!” I cheered, firing my third egg straight down the trunk of another mammoth.
Colin and Harry were really impressed with my slingshot skills, but the hairy mammoths were furious. In fact the angrier they got, the hotter their hairdryers became!
“LOOK, THEY’RE OVERHEATING!” I yelled, watching the snow start to drip from their hairy bodies. “Fe
tch me more ammo fast!”
Harry and Colin knew just where to look.
“Keep ‘em coming!” I shouted. “Keep ‘em coming!!!!”
Egg by egg, mammoth by mammoth, my slingshot skills did the business. The harder the hairdrying mammoths tried to unblock their trunks, the more overheated they became! The more overheated they became, the more their hairy bodies started to inflate!
“They’re floating into the air!” gasped Colin, raising his snowy arm and pointing.
“They can’t keep their feet on the ground!” cheered Harry.
Colin and Harry were right. Victory was ours, but the battle was only half won.
“How are we going to stop the freezing power of a new Ice Age?!” I shivered.
All around us the blizzard was worsening. A full-on Ice Age was only milliseconds away now and the world was fast turning to ice.
“If the world turns to ice, we’ll turn to ice too!” gulped Colin.
“My eyeballs have frozen!” gasped Harry, staggering around with total snow blindness.
“Mine too,” groaned Colin, dropping to his knees. “Jack, you’re going to have to save the world on your own!”
There are times in a world defence agent’s life when you can rely on your survival skills and there are times when you have to trust to plain luck. Defeating hairy hairdrying mammoths single-handed was one thing, but stopping a new Ice Age from freezing the planet was a task that even I didn’t have the skills for.
Luckily, luck was on our side.
