An Officer, a Baby and a Bride

by Tracy Madison

  Happier and more at ease, Rebecca moved the stack of magazines to the other side of the bed and beckoned for Seth to join her. She expected he’d do so instantly, but he didn’t. Doubt filled his eyes, that muscle in his jaw tensed and his shoulders stiffened.

  The hesitation only lasted a few seconds before he slid into place next to her, but it was enough of a hesitation that she wondered if they’d really set things straight. Icy intuition prickled the back of her neck, and she came this close to asking if there was something else on his mind they should discuss. But she didn’t.

  Couldn’t, really. Not when they’d barely finished climbing over one barrier.

  “What about—” she flipped open the book to a random page and said the first name her eyes landed on “—Fifi?”

  “Fifi Foster?” Yanking a pillow from behind his head, Seth squeezed it to fit between them. And then—then, he sidled away from her, allowing the pillow to fully expand, separating them by a good twenty inches or so. “We’re not having a poodle, are we?”

  She blinked fast and hard in an attempt to expunge her tears before they fell. He didn’t want to touch her? Still? Obviously, that part of the equation hadn’t been resolved.

  “We’re having a human baby,” she half whispered. “No poodles. Promise.”

  “I was teasing, Becca. Here—” Seth pulled the book from her grasp “—we weren’t to the Fs yet, anyway. We stopped at Darlene.”

  “Oh, that’s right,” she murmured. “I’d…forgotten.”

  While Seth searched for the proper page, she tried convincing herself that there were a dozen possible explanations that made sense. For example, sitting so close to her furnace of a body had made him too warm, or he had a scratchy throat and didn’t want her to get ill, or he still had garlic breath from the spicy sub he’d eaten for lunch.

  All were logical. All could be true. Except…Rebecca couldn’t shake the feeling that something a lot more serious simmered beneath the surface.

  “Ah, here we go,” Seth said, his voice breaking into her turmoil. “What do you think of Dawn, Deanna or Debbie?”

  “Any ex-girlfriends with those names?”

  “Well, there was a Debbie in Dallas…”

  Rebecca laughed because she knew Seth expected her to. “I like Dawn, but it sort of makes me think of the dish soap. Deanna is a possibility, though.”

  For the next hour, they circled and crossed off names. They got through the Fs before Seth decided he should make dinner. He didn’t kiss her before leaving, nor did he wrap his arm around her shoulders for a hug. A pat on her stomach had been the extent of the touching.

  Closing her eyes, Rebecca again willed her tears to recede. If Seth didn’t want to touch her, maybe he’d given up on the idea of them being together. Forgiving her was one thing—and, honestly, more than she’d expected—but choosing to spend his life with a woman who’d done what she tried to do existed in a different realm of difficulty.

  It was a lot, she knew. Maybe it was too much. Even for a man like Seth.

  * * *

  “You’re cutting off the crust?” Jace asked shortly before noon on Sunday. The two brothers were standing in Rebecca’s kitchen, and Seth was in the midst of preparing her lunch. And yes, he was, in fact, removing the crust. “Who are you feeding, a four-year-old?”

  Oddly embarrassed, Seth shrugged. “She never eats it, so why give it to her?”

  “Um…because she’s an adult and can eat around the crust all by her lonesome?”

  “It isn’t a big deal,” Seth said, doing his best to ignore his brother’s sarcasm. After slicing the sandwich in half, he set the plate—which already held a handful of grapes and a few carrot sticks—on the tray. “I…ah…appreciate that you and Melanie came over to visit.”

  “Isn’t a problem.” Jace plucked a grape from Rebecca’s tray. “We’d be here, regardless.”

  Seth nodded his thanks. “It’s good for Rebecca to have distractions.” For him, too. Every time he so much as glanced in Rebecca’s direction, he had to fight the urge to haul her off to the hospital. It drove him nuts she refused to go.

  “Is that why you’re scheduling people in like this is a dentist’s office?”

  “Partially. There’s some friction between Becca and me, I guess you’d say.” Seth retrieved a drinking glass from the cupboard. In truth, they hardly touched these days. Mostly because of how fragile she seemed. “Having folks around makes it easier. I can get stuff done and still know someone’s with her. So I don’t—” he coughed “—mother-hen her to death.”

  “I can see you’re doing real well with that.” Jace shot an amused glance toward the crust-free sandwich. “What type of stuff are you doing?”

  “Stocking the freezer with meals, washing the baby clothes, shopping for supplies.” In other words, Seth was doing his darnedest to complete every last to-do he could think of.

  “Must be difficult,” Jace said quietly. “Knowing you won’t be here right off.”

  “I’ll be here often enough, just not nonstop.” Since Seth and Rebecca weren’t married, he wouldn’t qualify for paternity leave. Typically, though, his weekends were free and he might be able to snag an extra day here and there. Regardless, a lot of driving loomed in his future.

  At least until September. If he chose to walk away from the Air Force, that was. The more Seth considered the possibility, the more powerful his want to do just that became. When he actually envisioned taking the step, though, something held him back. An invisible wall that wouldn’t go away until he and Rebecca really talked.

  And, as much as he wished for Rebecca’s input, he couldn’t broach any of this with her now. She needed to stay relaxed, and discussing his career options or their future—if they even had one—did not equate to relaxation. So this decision was Seth’s alone. He didn’t have long to make it, either. Within a matter of weeks, the Air Force would expect to be informed of his intent.

  Sighing, he refocused on Jace. “I’ll be here,” he repeated. “As often as possible.”

  “We’ll all lend a hand, Seth. Whatever Rebecca might need.”

  “I’m grateful for that.” Seth knew the rest of his family and Rebecca’s would do the same. “So…um…how did Rebecca seem when you were up there? Were her spirits good?”

  “That’s a curious question.” Jace narrowed his eyes. “Seeing how you’re with Rebecca day and night. Don’t you know how her spirits are?”

  “I know how she is with me, doofus,” Seth said, playing the aloof card with all his might. “I want to know how she was with you.”

  “Why? Worried about something?”

  “Yes. No. Hell. Never mind.” Delving into this conversation wasn’t high on Seth’s list. Jace would be more likely to rag him than offer anything useful. “Forget I asked.”

  “Too late. But she seemed okay.”

  “Only okay?”

  “I’m not an expert on Rebecca’s moods, bro.” Angling his arms, Jace leaned against the counter. “We chatted about the lack of a name for your daughter. She mentioned the partnership thing at her work. Jocelyn moving to California at the end of the summer came up. Hmm. Oh, and she offered to help Mel out with wedding plans.”

  Seth wagged his head, as if shaking water out of his ear. “What partnership thing?”

  “Uh…you don’t know?”

  “Would I have asked if I did?” As he pulled out a bottle of water and a lemon from the fridge, he said, “Just answer the damn question.”

  His brother flicked an invisible piece of lint from his jeans. “In situations like this, I’ve learned to ask myself, ‘What would Melanie suggest I do?’ And,” Jace said slowly, “in this specific scenario, I am certain Mel would suggest I stay the hell out of it. I think that sounds right, so that’s what I’m gonna do.”

 
“That’s friggin’ terrific, Jace. Now you develop scruples?”

  “Better late than never, right?”

  “Doesn’t matter. I can guess the basics.” With a silent curse, Seth twisted off the water bottle’s lid and filled the glass. “This is the third instance I’ve learned something important about Rebecca from a third party. Petty as hell, but I am sick and tired of being the last to know.”

  “Understandable. I wouldn’t like it much, myself.” Jace paused for a millisecond. Then, “But why would Rebecca reveal a secret to me? I’m the brother who’s already ratted her out once. So I’m thinking this is one of those things that just didn’t come up.”

  “That’s a point.” And it was, but Seth didn’t find any comfort there. He cut a thick slice of lemon, halved it and stuck the wedge on the rim of the water glass.

  Dammit, this bugged him. Probably more than it should, seeing how he had a secret of his own. Sure, his reasoning for staying silent might be solid now, but what about two weeks ago? What about when she told him about Jesse?

  He could have told her right then and there that leaving the Air Force in short order was within his power, but he hadn’t. So, okay, he’d have to work that one out in his head.

  “I don’t know,” Seth said half under his breath. Using a trick he’d learned from a past girlfriend, he folded a napkin into the shape of a hat and added that to Rebecca’s tray.

  “You don’t know what?”

  “To do, all right? I don’t know what to do.” Crumpling his hands into fists, Seth inhaled a lungful of air and waited for the tide of panic to dissipate. Of course, it didn’t. That sensation, in one extreme or another, was a constant nowadays. “There are choices to be made. I’m having a kid and…I’m so damn scared that something will happen when I’m not here.”

  “I’ll be here when you’re not. Or if I’m not, Grady will be. Or Mel or Olivia or Rebecca’s family. I swear, Seth, I’ll make sure she’s never alone.”

  “Yeah, that would good.” Emotion punched Seth hard and fast right in the chest. “That would be real good.”

  “I’m not the best advice giver,” Jace said. “But I’ll tell you this, you two need to talk. And you need to do so before you leave.”

  Unable to speak, Seth settled for a nod.

  “Does she know you love her?” Jace asked. “If not, I’d open with that.”

  Aw, hell. “Am I that obvious?”

  “Nah, but that tray is,” Jace said with a slight grin. “In my experience, men don’t remove crusts from sandwiches, slice lemons for water or fold napkins into shapes for someone they don’t love.” One shoulder lifted in a know-it-all shrug. “Generally speaking, that is.”

  Seth looked at the tray and gave a second’s contemplation to tossing the lemon, unfolding the napkin and making a new sandwich. But why? “It looks nice, though.”

  “It does,” Jace agreed without so much as a twitch or a chuckle. “Real nice, in fact.”

  Thirty seconds of semiawkward silence passed before Seth said, “I…ah…should take it up. The tray, I mean. To Rebecca.”

  “And I should get Melanie. We’re meeting her mom this afternoon.” Jace was almost out of the kitchen when he stopped and turned around. “If you need me, just holler. Got it?”

  “Yeah. I…I got it.” Feeling far too sappy for his and Jace’s comfort, Seth pushed out a croaky, “Thanks, bro. Means a lot.”

  Jace nodded and climbed the stairs, in search of his fiancée.

  Seth gripped the edge of the counter and attempted to regain his normal, steady equilibrium. The way he’d behaved lately, he could almost believe in the scientifically impossible, that some of Rebecca’s crazy hormones had leeched into his body. Never had he found it so darn difficult to reach a decision, formulate a plan and follow through.

  He’d allowed his emotions to spin his head in circles…to interfere with calm, reasonable logic. So maybe Jace was right; maybe Seth should talk to Rebecca. Naturally, he’d have to proceed with caution. Upsetting her was unacceptable.

  But if he laid out the facts in a clear, concise way, gave Rebecca the available choices and was then willing to follow her lead, he could stop feeling and start taking action. Whether that meant searching for a larger house in Tacoma to move his family to, leaving the Air Force to move back here, or resigning himself to being a part-time dad, he’d accept Rebecca’s decision.

  And that would be that.

  * * *

  Grand Central Station had nothing on Rebecca’s house. Or, for that matter, her bedroom. There were people here morning, noon and night. Between her family, Seth’s family, her friends and even a few of her coworkers, Rebecca barely had a minute to herself.

  Unless she was sleeping. Seth, she assumed, slept on the couch, because he certainly wasn’t sleeping with her. She saw him every day, and yet she missed him. Truthfully, she ached for him. Of course, she kept that to herself. Asking for a verbal explanation of Seth’s obvious emotional and physical rejection wouldn’t only be stupid, it would be…cruel. For both of them.

  Besides which, actions spoke louder than words. In this case, decibels louder.

  Rebecca swallowed a sigh and continued ignoring her current visitor. Allison sat next to her bed, watching her with the carefully schooled expression of a mother who had things to say but was biding her time. Rebecca was lying on her side staring at her laptop screen, stuck in avoidance mode and pretending to work.

  Seth… Well, who knew what he was up to. Probably more childproofing, which should please Rebecca to no end. But she figured that was his way of avoiding her, and that didn’t please her at all. Under her mother’s annoyingly steady appraisal, she gave up and powered off the laptop, shutting the cover with a snap.

  “Oh, good. Now we can chat,” Allison said in a bright, cheery voice that only served to worsen Rebecca’s already sour mood. “I spoke with Seth when I came in. He’s about finished with childproofing the kitchen. He said something about starting on the guest bathroom next.”

  “That’s nice.”

  “He’s also filled your freezer, organized the rest of the baby clothes and went on a shopping spree for any baby-related items you and my granddaughter might need.”

  “I know, Mom,” Rebecca said with a noisy exhale. “I gave him the list of supplies.”

  “A little testy today, I see.” Standing, Allison unfolded the afghan at the bottom of Rebecca’s bed and proceeded to cover her legs. “Why do you think he’s doing all of this?”

  “Please, please quit fussing. I’m not cold and I’m not a child with the flu.” Rebecca kicked off the blanket instead of succumbing to her basic instinct to scream. “He’s doing all of that because I can’t. He…wants to make sure we’ll be okay when he leaves on Thursday.”

  Two more days until Seth returned to Washington. Two. More. Days.

  “Well, yes. But have you considered there might be one additional reason?”

  “He’s avoiding me,” Rebecca whispered. The hollow pain deep inside expanded and intensified with the admission. “He’s avoiding me because he can’t wait to leave.”

  Allison perched on the edge of the bed and smoothed Rebecca’s hair. “Honey-girl, wherever did you get that idea? From where I’m standing, he very much wishes he could stay.”

  Oh, how Rebecca wanted to believe that. “He doesn’t.”

  “He proposed to you,” Allison pointed out, her tone soft and comforting.

  “Out of responsibility, and he didn’t propose. He ordered.”

  “What if he ordered you now?” her mother asked. “Would your reaction be different?”

  “I…I don’t know,” Rebecca fibbed. She’d already gone through the what-ifs, and if she could revisit that day, her decision would change. “I guess I wouldn’t toss the ring.”

  “May
be I shouldn’t admit this, but I was quite proud of you in that moment,” Allison said with a small chuckle. “The look on Seth’s face was priceless.”

  Rebecca smiled but her heart wasn’t in it.

  “I think,” Allison said carefully, “the reason Seth is busying himself with tasks that your father or I would be happy to complete is because he can’t be here, not because he doesn’t want to be here. I think he wants to feel as if he’s taking care of you even while he’s gone.”

  If Seth’s behavior hadn’t altered so significantly, Rebecca might be able to buy into that. “I doubt that very much.”

  “Why can’t you see what I see?”

  “Because I’m with him more than you are. You aren’t seeing everything. I am.”

  “What I’m seeing is a woman with a broken heart. I’ve seen you like this before, Rebecca, so don’t deny it.” Straightening Rebecca’s pillows, Allison said, “Does any of this have to do with Jesse?”

  “Not really.” Rebecca bit her bottom lip. “But I have been thinking about him. Comparing him to Seth and vice versa, considering how different my life would be if Jesse hadn’t died. We’d be married by now. We’d probably have a couple of kids.”

  “You probably would.”

  “And this is horrible, Mom. So awful, but…” Closing her eyes, she pushed out a breath. Might as well say it all. “I think of that other possible life, the one I might have had, and…I no longer want it. And that feels wrong. That feels as if I’m somehow abandoning Jesse now.”

  With a voice formed from steel, Allison said, “You shouldn’t feel guilty for moving on. Think of it this way, if Jesse hadn’t died, you would never have met Seth.” Soft fingers tilted Rebecca’s chin, and as Rebecca looked into her mother’s eyes, her own filled with tears. “This baby wouldn’t exist, and you wouldn’t be the woman you are today.”

  “I know. It’s just…” Pausing, she tried to put her thoughts into words. “I don’t regret loving Jesse. I believe we would’ve been happy, I really do.”

  “Oh, sweetie, you would have been. And if that life had happened, you wouldn’t wish for a different one.” Allison brushed a tear from Rebecca’s cheek. “Your love for Jesse was strong and true, as was his for you. But why condemn yourself for a choice that wasn’t yours?”