Dressed in leggings, boots, and a light jacket, a grinning Rachel met him in the hallway. “Ready when you are.”
Cam led her out of his flat and down the stairs to the main entrance, where one of Alec’s unit was on patrol. “Evening, Zac.”
“Alpha Harley,” Zac replied, gaze flicking from Rachel back to Cam. “Everything okay?”
“Yep. I’m taking Rachel out into the park to give her an idea of where we run.” Knowing Zac would be obliged to report this to Alec as a matter of security, he added, “If I’m not back in two hours, then call Alec. But I see no reason to bother him with this otherwise, do you?”
“No, Alpha.”
“Thank you.”
He took Rachel’s arm and guided her in the direction of the entrance to Regent’s Park.
She laughed but let him. “Such a gentleman.”
“I try.” Mia had loved to tease him about that too, but Cam’s mother had been adamant about manners—"Just because we can shift into an animal, doesn’t mean we get to act like one at all times.”
As they walked, he watched her take in the scenery around them, wondering what she must be thinking. A park in the middle of a sprawling city was a far cry from the wilds of a Cornish farm. Before he could ask, she glanced over at him, expression curious.
“I fully accept that this is none of my business, but when Gareth rushed out of your flat on Thursday night, why did he look like you’d just banished him to the sticks? Is a bond with one of your betas not allowed in your pack?”
This wasn’t something he wanted to talk about, but the fresh air and the illusion of privacy from the dark night loosened his tongue. Or maybe it was Rachel’s lack of connection to his pack. Either way, the words tumbled out. “It’s not that. Although that type of relationship in any pack would be problematic.”
“What is it then?”
“I love Gareth, like I do all of my betas, my pack. But not in the way he wants.”
She stopped next and regarded him curiously. “But you could. Isn’t that the whole point of a potential bond?”
“I guess, but—” Cam stopped as something nagged at the back of his mind.
“But what?”
“I lost my wife, Mia, in the pack wars.”
“I know,” she said, her voice soft.
Cam didn’t bother asking how. “I told Gareth I could never bond with anyone after Mia. When she died… I… I don’t have it in me to feel that way again.”
Rachel sighed and hesitated, but then met his gaze fearlessly. When she spoke, her voice was little more than a whisper. “But on some level you must feel something for him, or there wouldn’t be a potential bond at all.”
“That’s… no.” Gareth was his beta; they were connected by the pack but nothing else. There couldn’t be anything other than that because even now he still loved Mia with all his heart. There was nothing left to give to anyone else. “It’s not true.”
“Cam.” She put her hand on his arm, but he slipped out of her grasp.
“I think it’s probably best if we return to the flat. I’ll show you where we run another night.”
After a couple of seconds, she nodded and fell into step beside him. “I’m sorry if I overstepped. I won’t bring it up again.” She sounded contrite and a little defeated, and Cam came to a halt.
“You don’t need to be sorry. And you didn’t overstep. I encouraged this conversation to continue as much as you started it.” He took her hand and placed it back on his arm, eliciting a small smile. Much better. “But it’s not something I can talk about right now. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention it to anyone else.”
“Of course.”
He steered them towards the edge of the park, and they walked a little more in silence. Cam had begun to relax again when the wind changed, and he caught a very familiar—but for once unwelcome—scent.
Groaning, he gently turned Rachel to face him. “Do you think you can make your way back to my flat on your own?” They were almost at the edge of the park; his building was easy to see from where they stood. As was Alec as he strode towards them—a purposefulness to his gait that Cam didn’t care for. He handed her his keys, and she slipped them into her pocket.
“Of course.” She glanced at Alec, then cast a smirk at Cam. “Good luck.” And then she left him alone.
Waiting for Alec to reach him, Cam tried to work out what—if anything—he might have overheard. Too late to do anything about it now anyway. Cam straightened as Alec came to a halt in front of him. “Alec.”
“Cam.”
They stared at each other, the air around them seeming to thicken with the building tension until Alec broke the silence.
“Don’t blame Zac for me being here. I came down to check on him and caught yours and Rachel’s scent. To his credit, he did say he thought you didn’t want to be disturbed.”
“But you came anyway,” Cam replied dryly.
“As your security advisor, I thought it prudent to check in with you.” Alec’s expression remained almost blank. Almost. To anyone else he’d appear relaxed and unconcerned with the situation, but Cam caught the faint tick in his jaw that revealed an underlying tension.
Cam also knew Alec would only let on what was bothering him when it suited him. “Considering we have no outstanding issues with our nearest pack neighbours, I’d like to think I’m safe enough walking in our own territory.”
“You can never be too careful.”
Tired of beating around the bush, Cam decided to cut straight to the chase. To be honest, he was surprised Alec hadn’t already—he wasn’t one for avoiding an issue. Unless it was something he felt uncomfortable talking about.
Bollocks.
Running a hand through his hair, Cam glanced up at the night sky before meeting Alec’s gaze. “You heard it all, didn’t you?”
Alec narrowed his eyes, fixing Cam with an unimpressed glare. “I heard enough.”
His expression took Cam aback, staying his reply. In all the years he’d known Alec, very rarely had he been on the receiving end of that look. And not once since he’d become alpha.
He cared for it now about as much as he’d done in the past, and his wolf stirred with irritation. “Cut the shit, Alec. If you’ve got something to say, then just say it.”
Surprisingly, Alec hesitated. He looked for all the world like he wanted to rip Cam a new one, but was holding himself back.
Pack etiquette had its place, and Cam was all for respecting the hierarchy of command, but occasionally all that got in the way of something that needed to be said. Everything about Alec’s body language told Cam now was one of those times.
“For this conversation, let’s put aside the fact that I’m your alpha.”
Alec frowned. “But—”
“No.” Cam’s voice snapped through the air. “I need to be on the same page as all my betas right now, and I can’t have anything lingering unsaid between us.” Alec towered above him by a good five inches, and Cam reached up to put a hand at the base of his throat. “Just tell me, Alec. Say whatever it is that’s on your mind so we can deal with it.”
For a moment Cam thought Alec would refuse, but then he straightened, drew himself to his full height, and looked down at Cam with something very close to disappointment.
He hadn’t seen that coming.
“I thought I’d imagined that scent on you. Thought you couldn’t possibly have bonded with anyone because you’d never mentioned meeting anyone, but then I thought of Rachel. And fuck, Cam, I was worried that her looking so much like Mia had somehow….” He trailed off, seemingly unable to finish the sentence, so Cam finished it for him.
“You thought I was in the process of bonding with Rachel because she reminded me of my late wife?”
“Yes.”
“And you came out here to do what exactly?”
Alec sighed, but the fight didn’t drain out of him like Cam had expected. His shoulders retained their tense set, and he still glowere
d at Cam. “I’m not sure, but I had to see for myself. To check she wasn’t taking advantage.”
Cam couldn’t help it—a laugh burst out of him, tinged with bitterness. “I’m an alpha, Alec. Yes, I miss Mia every day, and I always will, but I’m not so weak-minded as to instantly fall for someone just because they remind me of her. I like Rachel both because she reminds me of Mia and the fact that she’s markedly different, and I want to help her. But that’s all. There’s only one woman I will ever love, and no one can replace her in here.” He tapped two fingers over his heart, the ever-present ache keeping his temper in check. The last thing this situation needed was for either of them to lose control.
“I know that now, and I’m sorry for doubting you.”
“But?” Cam knew there was more because Alec didn’t sound the least bit sorry.
“What about Gareth?”
Oh, yes. Cam had almost forgotten he’d overheard. “It’s… complicated.” Cam wasn’t ready to admit the truth in Rachel’s words, but he couldn’t afford to ignore it either. He wasn’t about to discuss it with Alec before he’d wrapped his head around it himself.
“But it is Gareth who you have a potential bond with?”
“Yes, but—”
“But what?” Alec raised his hands in a ‘well?’. “It either is or it isn’t.”
Apparently they were having this conversation whether Cam wanted to or not. He’d told Alec to forget about his alpha status, and he wouldn’t go back on his word. No matter how much he wanted to pull rank right now. He scented the air quickly to check they were still the only two shifters out there. Satisfied they were out of earshot of his pack, Cam replied, “Yes, it’s Gareth. But like I said… it’s complicated.”
“How exactly?”
Despite his efforts to remain calm, Cam felt his anger rising. “Because although he says he’s in love with me, I don’t feel the same.” He tapped his chest again, harder this time. “There’s nothing here.”
Alec shook his head. “That’s impossible, the scent—”
“I know that!” Cam’s growl startled the wildlife around them into a flurry of movement. When the silence returned, he lowered his voice, the rough edge to it lingering. “I can’t explain how it’s possible, but despite what you can smell, I just don’t feel the same way about Gareth as he does about me.”
Alec appeared unsurprised. As though Cam’s words were exactly what he expected him to say. “You don’t or you refuse to?”
“What?”
“I know what it’s like to be scared, Cam. To lock away that side of you, so you don’t have to face the possibility of losing everything again. It’s a lonely place to be—you taught me that—and I’ll be damned if I stand by and watch you do the same.”
Cam’s hackles rose. Whether from Alec’s tone or the fact he didn’t want to hear what he had to say, Cam wasn’t sure, and at that moment, he didn’t care. Claws pricked his palms where he had his hands clenched tight. As alpha, his control was impeccable, but something about this whole situation caused it to slip. Concentrating hard on keeping his fangs in, he gritted out, “I’m not scared.”
“No?” Alec raised an eyebrow, clearly having no intention of backing down. “You were the one who told me that having a mate is so unbelievably special—more so for a shifter—that I shouldn’t waste the chance I’d been given.”
Having his own words thrown back at him had Cam grinding his teeth because, fuck it, he had said that, and he’d meant every word. But… “I don’t feel that way about Gareth.”
Alec actually sneered at him, his voice harsh. “Bollocks. You can lie to yourself all you want, but your fucking wolf knows the truth.” He pointed his finger at Cam, then poked him in the chest. “Whether you choose to admit it or not…” Cam’s fangs slid down, and he growled a warning which Alec ignored. “He’s already fucking in there.”
“No.”
“Why?” Alec loomed over him, and Cam snarled out another warning. “Why can’t you admit that there’s something there? It’s just a possibility, nothing’s set in stone, but if there’s a chance to have that again, why won’t you even consider taking it?”
Something inside Cam snapped. The tight band he kept wrapped around his heart evaporated, letting everything flood out in a rush of feelings, too much for him to contain. With a roar he shoved Alec hard in the chest, sending him flying towards the start of the trees. Cam stalked towards him, rage igniting inside him with each step. “Because I can’t betray Mia’s memory like that.”
Alec pushed himself up to a sitting position, lips curled back, teeth on show. “She’d be horrified to see you locking yourself away like this. And you know it.”
Growling, he rushed for Alec again, but Alec was prepared this time and rolled out of the way. “I don’t have anything left to give to Gareth even if I wanted to.”
Springing to his feet, Alec laughed at him. “Such a load of shit. You’re just scared of losing him the way you did Mia.”
An image of Gareth lying dead on the ground flooded his mind, and Cam stopped cold, his breath catching. “Yes.” He choked out, tears blurring his vision. “So fucking scared.” His heart pounded against his ribs, each breath in a struggle. He closed his eyes and forced his fangs back in. “It nearly killed me when I lost her. The pain…” He clutched his fist and brought his hands to rest above his heart. “You’ve no idea what it’s like. I can’t… I can’t go through that again.”
He sensed Alec moving close, and then his scent suddenly surrounded him, now soothing instead of antagonising. Opening his eyes, he met Alec’s gaze. “I can’t risk it.”
Alec reached for Cam’s hand and linked their fingers, heedless of the claws Cam still had out. “You also told me that the chance of a bond was worth risking everything for.”
As his breathing evened out and his heart rate slowed, Cam let Alec’s words sink in and, for once, didn’t try to shrug them off. “I remember.”
“And you were right.” A soft smile brightened Alec’s whole face. “I never would have believed it until I met Mark. But being bonded to him is everything. No matter how long we have together, it will always have been worth it to experience what we have now.”
Closing his eyes again, Cam tried to find that place inside him, the one he’d kept locked up tight for so long. His wolf whined, and Cam tried to let himself just feel, but… it was as though he scraped along the edges, but his heart stayed just out of reach. He faced Alec. “I just don’t know if I can.”
Whatever expression he wore, it was enough for Alec to drop the subject.
Cam rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck, attempting to shake off the after-effects of their encounter.
“Thank you,” Alec said, causing Cam to stop and regard him.
“For what?”
“For letting me speak so candidly. I know damn well you didn’t want to hear what I had to say.”
Choosing his next words carefully, Cam said. “Just because I don’t want to hear it, doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said.” He gestured with his hand for them to start walking again, and Alec fell into step beside him. “You forced me to examine something I’d refused to even entertain. I wasn’t being fair to Gareth or to myself, and that’s unacceptable both as alpha and a member of this pack. So thank you.”
They walked in silence for a few seconds, and gradually Cam felt his alpha calm return to him as they neared the pack houses.
“Are you going to talk to him about it?” Alec glanced at him.
Cam stopped them again, not wanting to get too close to home while they discussed this. “Yes. But I’m not sure the outcome will be very different than the last time we spoke.” At Alec’s frown, he added. “He’s my beta, Alec.”
“I know that, but aren’t you even going to give it a chance?”
Frustrated, Cam threw his hands up in the air. “I’m not one hundred percent sure, but I’m pretty certain there are rules about that sort of thing. Or at least expectations.”
>
Alec smirked. “You know I’ve never been keen on either of those things. And you have five other betas to balance things out.”
Cam managed a wry smile. “True. But even if I did feel the same, can you imagine how complicated things would get?”
“Yes, I can hazard a guess.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and spared a glance at their building. “I’m aware of how delicate this situation is. I won’t bring it up again.”
Raising an eyebrow, Cam offered, “But?”
“But please stop telling yourself you don’t feel the same about Gareth, and let your instincts guide you. You should take your own advice, because it’s good advice.”
Cam glanced skyward again, hoping an answer to this fucked up situation would fall from the stars. Anything to avoid meeting Alec’s gaze. Eventually he looked over at him, unable to deny that Alec had a point. He shouldn’t dish out advice he wasn’t willing to follow himself. “I’ll do my best.”
Alec grinned, his smile infectious since Cam still considered it a rare thing. “That’s all I ask.”
MONDAY MORNING took Cam by surprise. Sleep had been elusive for most of the night, and he woke feeling tired and unsettled. Of course the reason for that would be arriving in just under an hour, along with the rest of his betas.
Rachel was already up and making a cup of tea when he walked through to the kitchen. She smiled at him and nodded at the kettle. “Want one? It’s just this minute boiled.”
“Yes, please.”
She fetched another cup out of the cupboard behind her, and Cam watched her make a second tea. Maybe he should find it weird to have someone feel so comfortable in his space after all these years living alone, but he didn’t. Rachel seemed to fit right in, and Cam felt nothing but a warm sense of companionship, almost familial. Strange since she’d only been here a few days.
“Thanks.” He took the cup she offered him and smiled. “I have a meeting with Gareth and the others this morning.”
“Want me to stay in my room?”
Cam hadn’t told her what he and Alec had discussed, and to her credit, she hadn’t asked or even once referred to it. Which was just as well because he didn’t plan on repeating it to anybody, except maybe Gareth, and he was still undecided about that. “Maybe for the initial meeting. But I’m going to talk to Gareth about you joining his unit. You might want to be there for some of it.”
Bitten By the Alpha Page 10
