Luckiest Girl Alive

by Jessica Knoll

  “I’m loathe to lose you,” she finally concluded. “But I understand.” On the day I boxed up my desk, she told me I would be on her masthead again one day. When I teared up, she said, “Remember that article you wrote about how the worst thing you can do to your career is cry in the office?” She winked at me before charging down the hallway, bellowing at the digital director to get her those cover line numbers already.

  I thought I would hate going about my day without that fantastic weight on my finger, the way it communicated to everyone to stay away, because all the boxes in my life were checked. I’d be lying if I said a part of me doesn’t miss that emerald’s wicked little glint, but I don’t mind it as much as I thought I would. When a guy asks if he can take me out to dinner, I hope maybe he’s someone who can eventually love me exactly the way I am, as Garret and so many others believed Luke did. Maybe he wouldn’t fear my bite, my kookiness, maybe he’d get past my thorny bristles to see there is sweetness here. Would understand that moving on doesn’t mean never talking about it, never crying about it.

  “You remember what to do, right?” Aaron asked.

  “Say my name, the age I will be when this comes out, and how old I was at the time of the attack.” I had introduced myself as Ani Harrison the last time I was on camera, the name I was so relieved would be legally mine by the time the documentary aired. I had to film a second take to correct the error, wearing exactly what I’d been wearing on the day we first caught my story in the forever of the camera. Everything would be streamed together, so that it appeared as a single take. No mention of the way my past and present had collided into one another like tectonic plates in an earthquake, producing a fissure that re-formed the course of my life. I couldn’t borrow those clothes from The Women’s Magazine anymore, and they were not cheap to buy.

  Aaron gave me a stubby thumbs-up and nodded at his assistant. I saw the gesture as it was really meant to be now—sweet, never smarmy.

  Around the time I should have been toasting on a beach on my honeymoon, I’d gotten a call from Aaron that changed everything.

  “You were right,” he’d said.

  I’d been waiting in a long line for coffee, but I gave up my spot and stepped outside, huddling in an alleyway for privacy.

  “I went through the film. You and Dean were both miked up. The camera recorded your conversation.”

  I’d pressed the phone closer to my ear and released a long, triumphant breath. It had been good for me to hear Dean use that word. “Rape.” Therapeutic, really. But that wasn’t the only reason I’d asked him to say it. I’ve filmed enough segments for the Today show to know that the camera can pick up almost anything if your mike is on—that bitchy comment about Savannah’s silly pink dress, that nervous pee in the bathroom right before you go on camera. Dean should have known this too, given his current celebrity. I wasn’t sure what, if anything, I would do with his admission, but I wanted it just in case I decided to defy Luke and talk about that night. Now that the Harrison name was no longer mine to sully, I’d made my decision. “So we can use it, right? To back up my story?”

  “I’d be lying if I said this doesn’t make me excited as a director, because this is a real scoop,” Aaron had said. “But as your friend”—my mouth had shimmied at the word—“it’s an even sweeter get. You deserve for your truth to be told. I just—” his sigh cut him off “—I just want to be sure you’re prepared for the backlash—I imagine people will be pretty outraged.”

  The back door of the coffeehouse swung open and an employee tossed a bag of trash into the Dumpster. I waited for him to disappear back into the kitchen. “Of course they will,” I agreed, magnanimous as could be. “It was a terrible thing they did to me.”

  “That wasn’t what I—” Aaron stopped when my sarcasm registered. “Right,” he said. Then again, his voice full of understanding and indignation on my behalf, “Right.”

  The clapboard snapped at everyone to be quiet, let me speak. Aaron nodded at me: Go. I sat up straighter and said, “I’m TifAni FaNelli. I’m twenty-nine years old, and I was fourteen years old on November twelfth, 2001.”

  Aaron said, “Again. Try it with just your name.”

  The clapboard sounded one last time.

  “I’m TifAni FaNelli.”

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thank you to my parents, for celebrating my weirdness and creativity as a child, even when I did bizarre things like ride my tricycle around the neighborhood in a frilly slip and princess veil and all the neighbors stared. Thank you for encouraging my imagination endlessly, for investing in my education and prioritizing it the way you did, even when it meant making sacrifices in your own life. Thank you for showing me through your own example of hard work and dedication what it means to be ambitious and to have a strong work ethic. I am truly the luckiest girl alive to have you two as parents. I would not be where I am without you.

  To my rock-star agent, Alyssa Reuben, at the Paradigm Agency, for keeping after me for years and years to write. And when I finally did, got the book, got TifAni, knew exactly how I could make it better, and did so unbelievably right by me that I still wake up some mornings wondering if this is real life. Thank you for believing in me before I believed in myself.

  To my best friend, Cait Hoyt, for forcing her friendship on me when we were just babies starting out in New York. What would I do without you? You are the most special snowflake of them all.

  To my editor, Sarah Knight, for being the first to swoop in on the book, for articulating my thoughts before I even thought them myself, for pushing me to attend to my words with a “gimlet eye” when I was running out of steam, and for making me see that I could not let them “get away with it.”

  To my film agent, Michelle Weiner at CAA, who told me that getting a movie made is like pushing a boulder up a mountain. Thank you for pushing. Also for the beautiful jewelry recommendations.

  To my publicist, Kate Gales, for paying attention to the details like it was her own wedding and making me feel like I was in such capable hands, and to my marketing manager, Elina Vaysbeyn, for all her behind-the-scenes hard work. To everyone at Simon and Schuster for all their rousing words of encouragement and support in e-mails that I plan to frame and hang over the grand desk I will one day write from: Carolyn Reidy, Jonathan Karp, Marysue Rucci, and Richard Rhorer.

  To my mentor, John Searles. I know that word makes you cringe, but there’s no other way to put it. You hired me at Cosmo as a wide-eyed twenty-three-year-old totally in awe of your writing career. Thank you for your endless support and encouragement, for telling me I could do it, for listening to me bitch and moan about doing it, and for making me laugh when I officially entered “fork” territory.

  To Kate White for teaching me to go big or go home, to ask for what I want, and how to suss out people’s sweet spots. I will carry your advice with me for my entire career.

  To Joanna Coles and Joyce Chang, two inspiring editors in chief who have encouraged, motivated, and challenged me in all the best ways.

  I’d also like to thank my brother, Kyle, for all his love and support, for talking up the book to anyone who would listen, and for being such a bright spot in my life. I knew this is exactly who you would become and I am so proud of you.

  Thank you to my in-laws: Barbara for being my number one fan and fastest reader/updater ever, and Andy and Natalie, who no doubt broke some presale orders record, for all your love and support from across the pond.

  And special thanks to Dave Cullen, author of the eye-opening book Columbine, for providing so much insight into the psyches of those responsible for the attack on Columbine High School.

  To my own set of “annoyingly photogenic” friends who are kind and loving and nothing like the characters in this book, who have been so excited and supportive of me and have tolerated me babbling on and on about this after one too many glasses of wine for the last year—thank you.

  Bringing up the anchor: thank you to my husband Greg, the best manager a
girl could ask for, for letting me be the “talent.” Thank you for being a good sport when I would banish you to the bedroom so I could take over the living room to work. Thank you for talking me up to anyone who would listen, for being my first preorder, for your unbridled pride in me that’s made me love you even more.

  LUCKIEST GIRL ALIVE

  BY JESSICA KNOLL

  READING GROUP GUIDE

  This reading group guide for Luckiest Girl Alive includes an introduction, discussion questions, and ideas for enhancing your book club. The suggested questions are intended to help your reading group find new and interesting angles and topics for your discussion. We hope that these ideas will enrich your conversation and increase your enjoyment of the book.

  INTRODUCTION

  As a teenager at the prestigious Bradley School, Ani FaNelli endured a shocking, public humiliation that left her desperate to reinvent herself. Now, with a glamorous job, expensive wardrobe, and handsome blue blood fiancé, she’s this close to living the perfect life she’s worked so hard to achieve.

  But Ani has a secret.

  There’s something else buried in her past that still haunts her, something private and painful that threatens to bubble to the surface and ruin everything.

  With a singular voice and twists you won’t see coming, Luckiest Girl Alive explores the unbearable pressure that so many women feel to “have it all” and introduces a heroine whose sharp edges and cutthroat ambition have been protecting a scandalous truth, and a heart that’s bigger than it first appears.

  The question remains: will breaking her silence destroy all that she has worked for—or, will it, at long last, set Ani free?

  TOPICS & QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

  1. Ani tells the reader “I’m no plucky heroine.” Do you agree? Why or why not? Did your opinion of Ani change as you learned more about her past? If so, why?

  2. During the course of the book, the way that Ani is identified changes. At varying times, she is TifAni FaNelli, Tif, Finny, and Ani Harrison. What do these names indicate about her and how she relates to herself and others?

  3. Why do you think Ani agrees to participate in the documentary about the Five? What was her role in the tragedy? How has it shaped her as an adult?

  4. When describing Arthur for the documentary, Ani remembers how “he was the only one who stood up for me when a lot of people turned on me.” Why is it so important that she shares something positive about him? Discuss Ani’s friendship with Arthur. Why do you think he defended her? What was your first impression of Arthur? Did your feelings about him change? If so, why?

  5. Ani says the word “fiancé” does not “bother me so much as the one that came after it. Husband. That word laced the corset tighter, crushing organs, sending panic into my throat with the bright beat of a distress signal.” Discuss why it is so important to Ani to be married before the documentary airs. Do you think, as Ani does, that her engagement ring is a symbol of status and legitimacy? What compromises, if any, must Ani make for the sake of her engagement? Do you think the compromises are worth it? Explain your answer.

  6. What were your initial impressions of Dina FaNelli? After learning what happened to Ani at Dean’s party, Dina “told me I was not the daughter she raised.” What values did Dina impart? Do you think she was a good mother? Why or why not?

  7. During Ani’s junior year of high school, she takes a trip to New York City with her classmates. How is this trip a watershed moment for her? Contrast the reality of her life in New York City with the vision of her future that she had then. Has she achieved the success she dreamed of? How does Ani measure success? Does this change by the novel’s conclusion? In what ways?

  8. Although Ani initially distrusts the documentary director, Aaron, she begins to think of him as “kind, rather than leering.” What causes Ani to change her mind? Do you think Aaron has her best interests at heart? Ani’s burgeoning trust of Aaron ultimately leads her to wonder “if that had been the reality all along, and, if it was, what else I’d read wrong.” Many of the characters in this book struggle to distinguish their perceptions from reality. Are there any who are particularly adept at it? If so, who are they? Discuss how they manage to do it.

  9. Explain the significance of the title of the book. When Ani is called the “‘luckiest girl alive,’” the phrase is used derisively. Who describes her as such and why? By the conclusion of the book, did you think Ani was lucky? If so, in what way?

  10. What do you think led to the tragedy at Bradley? Could it have been prevented, and, if so, how? What role, if any, does Ani play in the tragedy?

  11. After Luke meets Ani’s parents, he says “I can’t believe I’m the one who got to save you.” Discuss Luke’s relationship with Ani. Do you think he did save her from her past? Why is he so reluctant to speak with Ani about it? Did you think Luke and Ani were well suited?

  12. Discuss the structure of the book. What’s the effect of alternating between Ani’s current life and her freshman year at Bradley? Did learning about Ani’s past help you better understand her current actions? Did your feelings about Ani change as you learned more about her? If so, how?

  13. Ani tells Andrew Larson that she is wary of participating in the documentary because “‘I don’t know what the bent is. I know what the editing process can do.’” Are Ani’s reservations justified? Many of the characters edit their versions of events, often to fit self-serving narratives. When Ani is interviewed by Dr. Anita Perkins, Ani “had to guide everyone in my direction with swift surety, otherwise they would dig, dig, dig.” What effect does Ani’s distortion of the truth have on her life and the lives of those around her? Are there other characters who are lying by omission? Who are they and what are their motivations?

  14. Why is Ani is desperate to be friends with Hilary and Olivia. What sacrifices is she willing to make to keep their friendship? Contrast Ani’s friendship with Hilary and Olivia with her friendship with Nell. Do you think that Nell is a good friend? In what ways?

  ENHANCE YOUR BOOK CLUB

  1. Luckiest Girl Alive has been compared to Gone Girl: Megan Abbot praised Knoll’s writing, saying “With the cunning and verve of Gillian Flynn but with an intensity all its own, Jessica Knoll’s Luckiest Girl Alive is a debut you won’t want to miss.” Read both books, then compare and contrast Ani FaNelli and Amy Dunne. .

  2. Jessica Knoll has worked as a senior editor at Cosmopolitan. You can read some of her articles at http://www.cosmopolitan.com/author/1000/jessica-knoll/. Do you think that job helped her create Ani? If so, how?

  3. Ani’s assigned summer reading for Mr. Larson’s English class is The Catcher in the Rye. Read that novel with your book club and discuss how Ani and Arthur both react to it. Do you agree with their interpretations? Why or why not? Have your book club discuss is there are any parallels between Ani and Arthur and Holden Caulfield.

  4. After the tragedy at Bradley, Dina does not want Ani to watch the news reports about it. Discuss how the media portrays tragedies. Are Knoll’s descriptions accurate? Does the media’s portrayal of the events affect Ani? In what ways?

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Photograph by Leslie Hassler

  Jessica Knoll has been a senior editor at Cosmopolitan and articles editor of Self. She grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia and graduated from The Shipley School in Bryn Mawr, PA, and from Hobart and William Smith Colleges in Geneva, New York. She lives in New York City with her husband.

  MEET THE AUTHORS, WATCH VIDEOS AND MORE AT

  SimonandSchuster.com

  authors.simonandschuster.com/Jessica-Knoll

  We hope you enjoyed reading this Simon & Schuster eBook.

  * * *

  Sign up for our newsletter and receive special offers, access to bonus content, and info on the latest new releases and other great eBooks from Simon & Schuster.

  CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP

  or visit us online to sign up at

  eBookNews.SimonandSchuster.com

  Si
mon & Schuster

  1230 Avenue of the Americas

  New York, NY 10020

  www.SimonandSchuster.com

  This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Copyright © 2015 by Jessica Knoll

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Simon & Schuster Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

  First Simon & Schuster hardcover edition May 2015

  SIMON & SCHUSTER and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

  For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949 or business@simonandschuster.com.

  The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.

  Interior design by Lewelin Polanco

  Jacket design by Christopher Lin

  Jacket photograph © Lauren Burke/Stone/Getty Images

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Knoll, Jessica.Luckiest girl alive : a novel / Jessica Knoll.—First Simon & Schuster hardcover edition.pages cm1. Young women—New York (State)—New York—Fiction. 2. Women journalists—Fiction. 3. Life change events—Fiction. I. Title.

  PS3611.N64L83 2015

  813ʹ.6—dc23