The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 5: (Jeeves & Wooster)

by P. G. Wodehouse

  ‘She speaks her mind much too much,’ said the relative severely. ‘I wonder Ginger stands it.’

  It so happened that I was in a position to solve the problem that was perplexing her. The facts governing the relationship of guys and dolls had long been an open book to me. I had given deep thought to the matter, and when I give deep thought to a matter perplexities are speedily ironed out.

  ‘He stands it, aged relative, because he loves her, and you wouldn’t be far wrong in saying that love conquers all. I know what you mean, of course. It surprises you that a fellow of his thews and sinews should curl up in a ball when she looks squiggle-eyed at him and receive her strictures, if that’s the word I want, with the meekness of a spaniel rebuked for bringing a decaying bone into the drawing-room. What you overlook is the fact that in the matter of finely chiselled profile, willowy figure and platinum-blonde hair she is well up among the top ten, and these things weigh with a man like Ginger. You and I, regarding Florence coolly, pencil her in as too bossy for human consumption, but he gets a different slant. It’s the old business of what Jeeves calls the psychology of the individual. Very possibly the seeds of rebellion start to seethe within him when she speaks her mind, but he catches sight of her sideways or gets a glimpse of her hair, assuming for purposes of argument that she isn’t wearing a hat, or notices once again that she has as many curves as a scenic railway, and he feels that it’s worth putting up with a spot of mind-speaking in order to make her his own. His love, you see, is not wholly spiritual. There’s a bit of the carnal mixed up in it.’

  I would have spoken further, for the subject was one that always calls out the best in me, but at this point the old ancestor, who had been fidgeting for some time, asked me to go and drown myself in the lake. I buzzed off, accordingly, and she returned to her chair beside the hammock, brooding over L. P. Runkle like a mother over her sleeping child.

  I don’t suppose she had observed it, for aunts seldom give much attention to the play of expression on the faces of their nephews, but all through these exchanges I had been looking grave, making it pretty obvious that there was something on my mind. I was thinking of what Jeeves had said about the hundred to one which a level-headed bookie would wager against her chance of extracting money from a man so liberally equipped with one-way pockets as L. P. Runkle, and it pained me deeply to picture her dismay and disappointment when, waking from his slumbers, he refused to disgorge. It would be a blow calculated to take all the stuffing out of her, she having been so convinced that she was on a sure thing.

  I was also, of course, greatly concerned about Ginger. Having been engaged to Florence myself, I knew what she could do in the way of ticking off the errant male, and the symptoms seemed to point to the probability that on the present occasion she would eclipse all previous performances. I had not failed to interpret the significance of that dark frown, that bitten lip and those flashing eyes, nor the way the willowy figure had quivered, indicating, unless she had caught a chill, that she was as sore as a sunburned neck. I marvelled at the depths to which my old friend must have sunk as an orator in order to get such stark emotions under way, and I intended – delicately, of course – to question him about this.

  I had, however, no opportunity to do so, for on entering the summerhouse the first thing I saw was him and Magnolia Glendennon locked in an embrace so close that it seemed to me that only powerful machinery could unglue them.

  13

  * * *

  IN TAKING THIS view, however, I was in error, for scarcely had I uttered the first yip of astonishment when the Glendennon popsy, echoing it with a yip of her own such as might have proceeded from a nymph surprised while bathing, disentangled herself and came whizzing past me, disappearing into the great world outside at a speed which put her in the old ancestor’s class as a sprinter on the flat. It was as though she had said ‘Oh for the wings of a dove’ and had got them.

  I, meanwhile, stood rooted to the s, the mouth slightly ajar and the eyes bulging to their fullest extent. What’s that word beginning with dis? Disembodied? No, not disembodied. Distemper? No, not distemper. Disconcerted, that’s the one. I was disconcerted. I should imagine that if you happened to wander by accident into the steam room of a Turkish bath on Ladies’ Night, you would have emotions very similar to those I was experiencing now.

  Ginger, too, seemed not altogether at his ease. Indeed, I would describe him as definitely taken aback. He breathed heavily, as if suffering from asthma; the eye with which he regarded me contained practically none of the chumminess you would expect to see in the eye of an old friend; and his voice, when he spoke, resembled that of an annoyed cinnamon bear. Throaty, if you know what I mean, and on the peevish side. His opening words consisted of a well-phrased critique of my tactlessness in selecting that particular moment for entering the summerhouse. He wished, he said, that I wouldn’t creep about like a ruddy detective. Had I, he asked, got my magnifying glass with me and did I propose to go around on all fours, picking up small objects and putting them away carefully in an envelope? What, he enquired, was I doing here, anyway?

  To this I might have replied that I was perfectly entitled at all times to enter a summerhouse which was the property of my Aunt Dahlia and so related to me by ties of blood, but something told me that suavity would be the better policy. In rebuttal, therefore, I merely said that I wasn’t creeping about like a ruddy detective, but navigating with a firm and manly stride, and had simply been looking for him because Florence had ordered me to and I had learned from a usually well-informed source that this was where he was.

  My reasoning had the soothing effect I had hoped for. His manner changed, losing its cinnamon bear quality and taking on a welcome all-pals-together-ness. It bore out what I have always said, that there’s nothing like suavity for pouring oil on the troubled w’s. When he spoke again, it was plain that he regarded me as a friend and an ally.

  ‘I suppose all this seems a bit odd to you, Bertie.’

  ‘Not at all, old man, not at all.’

  ‘But there is a simple explanation. I love Magnolia.’

  ‘I thought you loved Florence.’

  ‘So did I. But you know how apt one is to make mistakes.’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘When you’re looking for the ideal girl, I mean.’

  ‘Quite.’

  ‘I dare say you’ve had the same experience yourself.’

  ‘From time to time.’

  ‘Happens to everybody, I expect.’

  ‘I shouldn’t wonder.’

  ‘Where one goes wrong when looking for the ideal girl is in making one’s selection before walking the full length of the counter. You meet someone with a perfect profile, platinum-blonde hair and a willowy figure, and you think your search is over. “Bingo!” you say to yourself. “This is the one. Accept no substitutes.” Little knowing that you are linking your lot with that of a female sergeant-major with strong views on the subject of discipline, and that if you’d only gone on a bit further you would have found the sweetest, kindest, gentlest girl that ever took down outgoing mail in shorthand, who would love you and cherish you and would never dream of giving you hell, no matter what the circumstances. I allude to Magnolia Glendennon.’

  ‘I thought you did.’

  ‘I can’t tell you how I feel about her, Bertie.’

  ‘Don’t try.’

  ‘Ever since we came down here I’ve had a lurking suspicion that she was the mate for me and that in signing on the dotted line with Florence I had made the boner of a lifetime. Just now my last doubts were dispelled.’

  ‘What happened just now?’

  ‘She rubbed the back of my neck. My interview with Florence, coming on top of that ghastly Chamber of Commerce lunch, had given me a splitting headache, and she rubbed the back of my neck. Then I knew. As those soft fingers touched my skin like dainty butterflies hovering over a flower—’

  ‘Right ho.’

  ‘It was a revelation, Bertie. I knew t
hat I had come to journey’s end. I said to myself, “This is a good thing. Push it along.” I turned. I grasped her hand. I gazed into her eyes. She gazed into mine. I told her I loved her. She said so she did me. She fell into my arms. I grabbed her. We stood murmuring endearments, and for a while everything was fine. Couldn’t have been better. Then a thought struck me. There was a snag. You’ve probably spotted it.’

  ‘Florence?’

  ‘Exactly. Bossy though she is, plainspoken though she may be when anything displeases her, and I wish you could have heard her after that Chamber of Commerce lunch, I am still engaged to her. And while girls can break engagements till the cows come home, men can’t.’

  I followed his train of thought. It was evident that he, like me, aimed at being a preux chevalier, and you simply can’t be preux or anything like it if you go about the place getting betrothed and then telling the party of the second part it’s all off. It seemed to me that the snag which had raised its ugly head was one of formidable – you might say king-size – dimensions, well calculated to make the current of whatever he proposed to do about it turn awry and lose the name of action. But when I put this to him with a sympathetic tremor in my voice, and I’m not sure I didn’t clasp his hand, he surprised me by chuckling like a leaky radiator.

  ‘That’s all right,’ he said. ‘It would, I admit, appear to be a tricky situation, but I can handle it. I’m going to get Florence to break the engagement.’

  He spoke with such a gay, confident ring in his voice, so like the old ancestor predicting what she was going to do to L. P. Runkle in the playing-on-a-stringed-instrument line, that I was loth, if that’s the word I want, to say anything to depress him, but the question had to be asked.

  ‘How?’ I said, asking it.

  ‘Quite simple. We agreed, I think, that she has no use for a loser. I propose to lose this election.’

  Well, it was a thought of course, and I was in complete agreement with his supposition that if the McCorkadale nosed ahead of him in the voting, Florence would in all probability hand him the pink slip, but where it seemed to me that the current went awry was that he had no means of knowing that the electorate would put him in second place. Of course voters are like aunts, you never know what they will be up to from one day to the next, but it was a thing you couldn’t count on.

  I mentioned this to him, and he repeated his impersonation of a leaky radiator.

  ‘Don’t you worry, Bertie. I have the situation well in hand. Something happened in a dark corner of the Town Hall after lunch which justifies my confidence.’

  ‘What happened in a dark corner of the Town Hall after lunch?’

  ‘Well, the first thing that happened after lunch was that Florence got hold of me and became extremely personal. It was then that I realized that it would be the act of a fathead to marry her.’

  I nodded adhesion to this sentiment. That time when she had broken her engagement with me my spirits had soared and I had gone about singing like a relieved nightingale.

  One thing rather puzzled me and seemed to call for explanatory notes.

  ‘Why did Florence draw you into a dark corner when planning to become personal?’ I asked. ‘I wouldn’t have credited her with so much tact and consideration. As a rule, when she’s telling people what she thinks of them, an audience seems to stimulate her. I recall one occasion when she ticked me off in the presence of seventeen Girl Guides, all listening with their ears flapping, and she had never spoken more fluently.’

  He put me straight on the point I had raised. He said he had misled me.

  ‘It wasn’t Florence who drew me into the dark corner, it was Bingley.’

  ‘Bingley?’

  ‘A fellow who worked for me once.’

  ‘He worked for me once.’

  ‘Really? It’s a small world, isn’t it.’

  ‘Pretty small. Did you know he’d come into money?’

  ‘He’ll soon be coming into some more.’

  ‘But you were saying he drew you into the dark corner. Why did he do that?’

  ‘Because he had a proposition to make to me which demanded privacy. He … but before going on I must lay a proper foundation. You know in those Perry Mason stories how whenever Perry says anything while cross-examining a witness, the District Attorney jumps up and yells “Objection, your honour. The S.O.B. has laid no proper foundation”. Well, then, you must know that this man Bingley belongs to a butlers and valets club in London called the Junior Ganymede, and one of the rules there is that members have to record the doings of their employers in the club book.’

  I would have told him I knew all too well about that, but he carried on before I could speak.

  ‘Such a book, as you can imagine, contains a lot of damaging stuff, and he told me he had been obliged to contribute several pages about me which, if revealed, would lose me so many votes that the election would be a gift to my opponent. He added that some men in his place would have sold it to the opposition and made a lot of money, but he wouldn’t do a thing like that because it would be low and in the short time we were together he had come to have a great affection for me. I had never realized before what an extraordinarily good chap he was. I had always thought him a bit of a squirt. Shows how wrong you can be about people.’

  Again I would have spoken, but he rolled over me like a tidal wave.

  ‘I should have explained that the committee of the Junior Ganymede, recognizing the importance of this book, had entrusted it to him with instructions to guard it with his life, and his constant fear was that bad men would get wind of this and try to steal it. So what would remove a great burden from his mind, he said, would be if I took it into my possession. Then I could be sure that its contents wouldn’t be used against me. I could return it to him after the election and slip him a few quid, if I wished, as a token of my gratitude. You can picture me smiling my subtle smile as he said this. He little knew that my first act would be to send the thing by messenger to the offices of the Market Snodsbury Argus-Reminder, thereby handing the election on a plate to the McCorkadale and enabling me to free myself from my honourable obligations to Florence, who would of course, on reading the stuff, recoil from me in horror. Do you know the Argus-Reminder? Very far to the left. Can’t stand Conservatives. It had a cartoon of me last week showing me with my hands dripping with the blood of the martyred proletariat. I don’t know where they get these ideas. I’ve never spilled a drop of anybody’s blood except when boxing, and then the other chap was spilling mine – wholesome give and take. So it wasn’t long before Bingley and I had everything all fixed up. He couldn’t give me the book then, as he had left it at home, and he wouldn’t come and have a drink with me because he had to hurry back because he thought Jeeves might be calling and he didn’t want to miss him. Apparently Jeeves is a pal of his – old club crony, that sort of thing. We’re meeting tomorrow. I shall reward him with a purse of gold, he will give me the book, and five minutes later, if I can find some brown paper and string, it will be on its way to the Argus-Reminder. The material should be in print the day after tomorrow. Allow an hour or so for Florence to get hold of a copy and say twenty minutes for a chat with her after she’s read it, and I ought to be a free man well before lunch. About how much gold do you think I should reward Bingley with? Figures were not named, but I thought at least a hundred quid, because he certainly deserves something substantial for his scrupulous high-mindedness. As he said, some men in his place would have sold the book to the opposition and cleaned up big.’

  By what I have always thought an odd coincidence he paused at this point and asked me why I was looking like something the cat brought in, precisely as the aged relative had asked me after my interview with Ma McCorkadale. I don’t know what cats bring into houses, but one assumes that it is something not very jaunty, and apparently, when in the grip of any strong emotion, I resemble their treasure trove. I could well understand that I was looking like that now. I find it distasteful to have to shatter a long-time
buddy’s hopes and dreams, and no doubt this shows on the surface.

  There was no sense in beating about bushes. It was another of those cases of if it were done, then ’twere well ’twere done quickly.

  ‘Ginger,’ I said, ‘I’m afraid I have a bit of bad news for you. ‘That book is no longer among those present. Jeeves called on Bingley, gave him a Mickey Finn and got it away from him. He now has it among his archives.’

  He didn’t get it at first, and I had to explain.

  ‘Bingley is not the man of integrity you think him. He is on the contrary a louse of the first water. You might describe him as a slimy slinking slug. He pinched that book from the Junior Ganymede and tried to sell it to the McCorkadale. She sent him away with a flea in his ear because she was a fair fighter, and he tried to sell it to you. But meanwhile Jeeves nipped in and obtained it.’

  It took him perhaps a minute to absorb this, but to my surprise he wasn’t a bit upset.

  ‘Well, that’s all right. Jeeves can take it to the Argus-Reminder.’

  I shook the loaf sadly, for I knew that this time those hopes and dreams of his were really due for a sock in the eye.

  ‘He wouldn’t do it, Ginger. To Jeeves that club book is sacred. I’ve gone after him a dozen times, urging him to destroy the pages concerning me, but he always remains as uncooperative as Balaam’s ass, who, you may remember, dug his feet in and firmly refused to play ball. He’ll never let it out of his hands.’

  He took it, as I had foreseen, big. He spluttered a good deal. He also kicked the table and would have splintered it if it hadn’t been made of marble. It must have hurt like sin, but what disturbed him, I deduced, was not so much the pain of a bruised toe as spiritual anguish. His eyes glittered, his nose wiggled, and if he was not gnashing his teeth I don’t know a gnashed tooth when I hear one.