Why Not Me?

by Ashley Erin

  “God, yes. Wine sounds like a great idea.” I’m just passing the door when a knock echoes through the room. Blake and Dawn continue toward the kitchen with raised brows, while Brendan pauses in his task and looks at the door, his brows furrowing before he goes back to what he was doing.

  Sure enough, Landon stands on the other side. He looks devastatingly handsome in dark wash jeans and a pale blue button-down shirt. A pretty green package with a purple bow sits in his hand.

  I can’t help the smile that forms when he gives me a crooked grin. Moving aside, I feel three sets of eyes on us as he comes inside the condo.

  “Happy Birthday.” His voice is low, husky. His words just for me. “Don’t open this yet, save it for later.”

  I take the gift from him with quiet thanks and set it off to the side, away from the others. After a quick round of reintroductions as Landon has met everyone, we’re soon congregated around the counter picking at the food.

  Blake strikes up a conversation with Landon as I wander over to where Brendan is standing, looking through the pantry. Tucking myself into his side, I pull him down so I can kiss his cheek. “Why don’t we call this good, you know my mom will bring a ton of food. Come visit.”

  I fold my hand into his and tug on his arm. We join Dawn at the counter and she strikes up a conversation with Brendan about work. Smiling at her gratefully as he relaxes and starts talking animatedly, I snack on the delicious treats he made as they chat. He grins at me when I make a duck beak from two Pringles.

  I lean into him as he wraps his arm around me, trying to pay attention to what he and Dawn are discussing. Dawn is a real estate agent and they love talking about the housing market.

  My skin warms, and I glance up to see Landon looking at me over Blake’s shoulder. He gives me a cocky grin that sends a shiver down my spine. Warmth pools in my stomach as he winks at me before returning his attention to Blake.

  Snagging a piece of broccoli, I smile around it as we meet eyes again and he makes a face at me. When Landon came back into my life I didn’t know if I would still like him the way I did before. As soon as I saw him, I knew the physical attraction was still there, but I had no idea this playful friendship would pick right back up.

  Time has the potential to change people, and while we’re both more mature and have more life experiences under our belts, at the root of it Landon is still the same guy I fell for so long ago. There is an easiness there that we fell right back into, that same easiness that made me fall for him in the first place.

  Landon ducks down, picking me up and tossing me in the pool. When my head breaks the surface, I splash at him only to realize he’s nowhere in sight.

  Squeaking when a hand grabs my ankle, I’m pulled below the surface again.

  This time we come up together and an all-out splash war starts until we’re laughing so hard I almost snort.

  Our laughter dies though when the alarm on his phone goes off. It’s our signal that he needs to leave. The reminder that he still hasn’t ended things with Melissa looms over me.

  Ducking under the water, I swim away from him so I can pull myself together. I’ve made my bed and now I need to lie in it. I’ve fallen for him and the thought of walking away now hurts too much. I need to have faith in him and us, faith that he will follow through with his promises.

  Looking down, I fight back the question of “what if,” the one that’s usually followed by the self-deprecating “why not me?” We’re friends. And I’m glad to have our friendship back, because that’s what our romantic relationship had been built on, but there’s a part of my heart that yearns for more and the side of guilt that comes along with it is making me crazy.

  Glancing over at Brendan, I watch him talking with Dawn while reminding myself what I love about him.

  He’s steadfast and loyal. Kind and funny. He loves me with a dedication that makes me feel safe and secure. He’s everything I ever wanted in a partner. Brendan and I have fun, we laugh together, and things just—flow. It’s easy, predictable.

  There is nothing he wouldn’t do to make me smile. He’s open to trying new things, even when it might not be up his alley. And he always, always talks to me about everything. I have never met someone as honest as Brendan. Ever.

  Watching them, I take advantage of their preoccupation as they discuss work and slip out to the balcony to get some fresh air. It’s the perfect opportunity to clear my head as I struggle with the feeling that despite all of that, it’s still not enough.

  When I hear the sliding glass door open and shut again, I don’t turn around. I know it’s him. He leans against the railing next to me, the small wrapped package in his hand.

  “Happy Birthday.” Landon’s voice is low, the rumble sending shivers down my spine as he hands me the gift.

  “Thank you.” My voice is soft as I look down at the pretty green and purple covering the gift.

  He takes the ribbon and paper from me as I unwrap it, before opening a plain black box. Nestled inside is a glass snowflake necklace. Underneath is a certificate of authenticity from a local glassblower, it’s one of a kind. My throat catches at the thoughtfulness of this gift.

  I feel him watching me, but I can’t tear my eyes away from the gorgeous snowflake. It’s not until he tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear that my attention is stolen. Glancing over my shoulder, I sag in relief when everyone is still occupied.

  “Allie—” He pauses until I meet his gaze. “Don’t let one moment steal a lifetime of joy. Don’t give anyone that power.”

  Dropping my eyes back to the necklace, I put together the deeper meaning of this gift. Landon knows me so well, he knows why I hate the snow.

  Blinking back tears, I look back up at him and whisper my thanks. He smiles, it’s filled with regret, longing, and sadness.

  Unable to stop myself, I clutch the box to my chest and wrap my free arm around him. His familiar scent envelopes me and his arms wrap around me and hold me to him. This hug feels like so much more than a simple thank you.

  When we turn to go back inside, my gaze meets Brendan’s. He’s just on the other side of the sliding glass door, his expression tight as he forces a smile to his face. Walking inside, I head straight into his arms and hold him tightly as I attempt to reassure him of something I’m not even certain of.

  I’m exhausted by the time I get home. Spending the night watching Allie with Brendan, seeing the way her parents adore him and the way he gets along so well with her friends, it was eye opening.

  All the things I want, all the things I could have had, and I got to watch someone else experience it. Torture. I knew what I was signing up for when I suggested being friends, but the ache in my chest right now feels like my heart was ripped out and set out on display.

  Despite the longing, I tried to show Allie I could be her friend, and I think I succeeded. Having her back in my life has filled a hole and no matter how difficult it is, I would rather be able to talk to her and spend time with her than lose her again.

  Kellan looks up from the couch as I drop down next to him, running my hand through my hair.

  “Rough night?” His tone is colored with amusement.

  “Shut up.” I scowl at him.

  PeeWee jumps up on the couch, squirming as he tries to lick my face in greeting. Scratching behind his ears, I lean my head back onto the couch and look over at Kellan.

  “You don’t get what it’s like. I’ve never felt this way about anyone, and I doubt I ever will again. Having her back in my life means the world to me, but it’s shitty that it’s not in the way I want.” He sobers at the tortured tone to my voice. The rawness that makes my entire body ache.

  “Dude. You walked away from her. Are you shocked that someone else snapped her up?” He arches a brow and crosses his arms.

  “I was a fucking kid!” I scowl at him, picking up a pillow and clenching it in my fist. “And obviously I’m not surprised. You just can’t understand because you’ve never felt the way I do about A
llie. She’s a once in a lifetime kind of love.” My voice raises, my defenses kicking in. I don’t need him to remind me that I made the decision that led to this. I remind myself of it every damn day.

  Tucking PeeWee under my arm, I shove up from the couch and head into my room. I set him on his pillow before brushing my teeth, stripping to my boxers, and throwing myself on my bed.

  Picking up my iPad, I scan through emails and check my calendar for the next week. Allie and I have our final physio appointment this week. She’s healed fast because of her diligence to completing the exercises at home. She will need to keep up on them, but she won’t need my guidance anymore.

  The selfish part of me wants to disregard her relationship and make a move, but the other part of me, the rational part, knows that would be a mistake. Her name glares out at me, so I toss my iPad aside and pick up the book I started a few days ago.

  Ten years ago, I hated reading, but now it’s my only escape when my head is being bogged down with things outside of my control. As I immerse myself into the fantastical world, I feel the tension start to release from my shoulders.

  Between the black ink on the page taking me away to a different time and place, and PeeWee’s soft snores, I finally forget everything else.

  When I drop the book onto my face for the second time, I know it’s time to set it aside and try to get some sleep. Picking up my phone to check the time, I notice that Allie sent me a text eight minutes ago. It’s two in the morning, but the sleepiness I was feeling dissipates just by seeing her name on my screen.

  Allie: You up?

  Me: Yeah, I was reading, but I think I’ll end up with a bruise if I drop my book on my face again.

  Allie: Lol, it’s happened to me.

  There’s a pause before she starts typing again. The little dots appearing and disappearing a few times before another text comes through.

  Allie: I just wanted to thank you again for the necklace and the words. What happened that night—it made me angry and sad for a long time. I don’t know if I ever really let it go, but lately things are just getting a little clearer. I sat outside on our balcony after everyone left, bundled up and just enjoying the snow. I was finally honest with myself and found a lot of clarity that I’ve been missing. I will always be grateful to you for that.

  I reread that last sentence at least five times trying to read between the lines. She starts typing again before I can formulate a response.

  Allie: I’m going to be turning my phone off for a few days, I have a lot of work to do and I need to disconnect for a while. I’ll see you at my physio appointment this week. Goodnight, and thank you again for coming to my party this evening. I’m so glad you were there.

  With a sinking feeling, I set my phone on my nightstand and turn to face my wall. Her text feels like more than a goodbye for now, it feels like a goodbye forever.

  Brendan has been out all day, so I spent my time cleaning the condo and prepping dinner for him for once. My birthday party was eye opening. Seeing my two worlds mesh into one. I watched how my family interacted with Brendan, having rarely interacted with Landon, they were friendly, but the connection with Brendan is deeper.

  Seeing the sad look on Brendan’s face when I came in from the balcony after receiving the snowflake, it hit me how difficult it is for him to know I’m friends with someone who held—holds—so much power over my heart. And it hurt. It hurt knowing I was doing that to him. This constant internal battle has become too much and I know I need to make a decision, because the other thing I realized last night is that I’m not capable of only having friendly feelings toward Landon.

  Opening the oven, I slide the roast pan inside and set the timer.

  My cell rings as I turn on the water to clean up the dishes, pausing, I glance over and relax when I see it’s Dawn.

  “Hey, Dawn. How’s it going?” Smiling, I tuck my phone between my ear and shoulder, and set about loading the dishwasher.

  “It’s okay. Look, I need to be candid with you.” Her voice is off, abrupt, and not Dawn-like.

  “Okay. Are you okay?” I pause what I’m doing and lean against the counter.

  “Not really. Allie, I ran into Brendan when I ran out to get coffee, and we talked. About you. About him. About Landon.” Her tone is low, and I know she’s not happy with me. “He’s tortured, Allie. What are you doing to him? Either make the decision to be committed to your relationship because you want to, not out of guilt. Or let him go. He loves you, he feels that things are different. And you’re not being fair.”

  “Hold on a second. I’ve been trying to be more attentive. Trying to spend more quality time with him.” Her words hurt, but they’re true. I’m a little annoyed that Brendan went to Dawn to complain about it instead of coming to me, like he should. It’s not fair, I know he would come to me if he felt like it would make a difference.

  “He feels like it’s out of guilt. I know you’re getting defensive because you know what he’s saying is true. So, what are you going to do? He deserves more. And quite frankly, so do you and Landon. This isn’t good for you or for Brenden. I thought you learned that the last time.” She grows quiet, her voice a little thicker when she whispers, “I know the connection you feel with Landon is deep, but you’ve been with Brendan for six years. Respect that, respect him, because he would never treat you the way you’re treating him.”

  “I know.” I sigh, my eyes burning. “I’ve been thinking about it since last night, and all day today. I’m sorting through it, everyone just needs to give me some time.”

  “Don’t take too much time, you don’t have that luxury.” She says goodbye and we hang up, the phone blurry as I stare at it.

  I hear the front door open, so I shake it off, take a sip of wine, and pop my head out of the kitchen to greet Brendan.

  “Just in time. Dinner is ready, and I bought Guardians of the Galaxy Volume Two, I know we missed it in theaters because of me, so I thought we could shut our phones off, have a nice dinner, and then watch both movies back to back.” I smile at him, and then duck back into the kitchen to set the table.

  I’m setting the salad I made on the table when he strides toward me and pulls me into his arms. Sinking into him, I breathe in the fresh scent of winter air and the soap from his shower this morning. We cling to each other, both knowing something needs to change, but neither of us sure what that means.

  He breathes in deep, before brushing my hair to the side and kissing my neck. “That sounds like a perfect evening.”

  For the first time in a long time, neither of our phones are sitting next to us as we eat. Instead, we just talk. We talk about books we’re reading or want to read. We talk about funny things we noticed over the day.

  It’s nice, and as we eat, I think about how much I would miss this if it was gone.

  “I had coffee with Dawn today,” Brendan mentions as we’re cleaning up, my hand pauses on the lid of the plastic container I’m closing. I don’t want him to know she called me.

  I press the lid down and put the container in the fridge before turning to smile at him as I shut the door. “Oh nice. I’ve been meaning to text her and Blake to make plans for this week.”

  He looks a little disappointed, like he wishes I would ask what they talked about, but I know if I ask he will tell me, and I’m not ready to have that conversation yet.

  Instead, I grab some popcorn and fill the air popper while he gets the movie ready. Turning off the lights, we settle on the couch next to each other. I shift over and curl into his side, needing to give us one hundred percent of my focus.

  Every so often Landon will pop up in my head, but I shove him away and focus on relaxing. I feel Brendan’s eyes on me throughout the movie, I can feel the weight of his conversation with Dawn. I don’t doubt she told him he needs to talk to me, that we need to figure out what we’re doing, but I’m choosing to leave the discussion alone for now. We’re not ready to make any decisions, or, I should say, I’m not ready.

 
Hanging up, I turn and smile at Brendan. We just finished eating breakfast in bed, enjoying a leisurely morning together. “I officially have the day off tomorrow. What do you want to do?”

  Shutting down my cell, I put it in my nightstand. Out of sight, out of mind. Brendan leans over and wraps his arms around me, the familiar comforting scent of his shampoo easing the anxiety I feel over turning my phone off.

  My mind has been entirely focused on us and figuring out where we go from here for the past thirty-six hours. I need to figure out exactly how I feel about my relationship and the only way I can fairly do that is to give Brendan one hundred percent of my focus. I made a commitment to him, and I need to respect that now more than ever. I know I can’t always leave my phone off, but I also know we’re at a turning point.

  For the first time in our relationship, we’re experiencing something that’s putting a strain on the ease we’ve always managed to have. In six years we’ve never gotten into a major fight, things have just been comfortable, easy. At first, I enjoyed the fact that we didn’t have the overwhelming passion that I had with Landon, that passion was what landed me with a broken heart. Now I realize that I need to decide whether my relationship with Brendan is more than a safe escape. It feels terrible to think that way, he’s my best friend, but for this to work we need to ignite the flame.

  “Why don’t we go away for a couple nights. There’s a cute little inn not too far from here. We can go snowshoeing and just relax. I believe they offer couples spa treatments.” Brendan smiles as I perk up at the suggestion.

  We haven’t gotten around to planning a vacation and getting away sounds perfect. We’ll be busy enough that I hopefully won’t be distracted by anything—or anyone—else. Having Landon back in my life has thrown me for a curveball. I thought I had everything figured out and that I was on a path I was happy with.