Reflections of Love

by Autumn Sand

  She places the paper down and holds her hands up. “I can’t lie. I’m team Damian all the way.”

  “Every woman is team Damian, that’s why I chose Hector. I don’t want to be predictable,” I mumble grouchily.

  “Mmm, perhaps,” she says, as she plays with a pen on my desk.

  “You think I should change it, don’t you?” I say, slightly annoyed because I had been partially considering it myself.

  “If you want, babe.” She giggles; she knows I’ll change it. She knows me so damn well.

  I rise and walk around the desk; she stands just in time for me to pull her into my arms, and her scent of juniper wafts up to my nose as I inhale her. My arousal hits her in just the right spot, and a slow, lascivious smile spreads across her face. She fits perfectly in my arms, as if she was always meant to be there. I kiss the top of her head as she rests it on my shoulder.

  “I’m sorry for being a dick earlier. You know how I get when I’m writing, but that’s no excuse.”

  Rae gives me a tight squeeze. “It’s alright. All is forgiven.”

  She always forgives me quickly; friction never lasts more than a few hours between us. Sometimes, I wonder if I deserve her.

  I step away from her, wanting to show her the sincerity in my eyes. I look at Rae, and her beauty, both inside and out, takes my breath away. “I promise never to take you for granted again. How about we go away when you get back? We both deserve a break.”

  She smiles, but then frowns. “Won’t you be in the middle of editing hell?”

  Editing hell is our inside joke for my whole editing process. It really isn’t as bad as it used to be, when I first started writing, but nonetheless still painful. “Since I’m ahead of schedule, I won’t be. I can completely devote myself to you.”

  “How about the Cook Islands?” she asks with a playful gleam in her eyes. She had a work assignment there a few years ago, and has been anxious to take me there one day.

  “The Cook Islands it is, then. I’ll make all of the arrangements.”

  She claps. “You do know there is no internet on the island.”

  My heart momentarily plummets, but I recover quickly before it shows on my face. “This trip is all about us.”

  She rushes into my arms, and presses her lips to mine. It isn’t a kiss of passion, but one of mutual love for each other. Somewhere during the course of our marriage, raging passion vacated but left an overwhelming love in its place. While it is still satisfying and gratifying, perhaps this trip will bring back that passion I didn’t realize we no longer had.

  She steps away. “I need to finish packing. I want to be on the road before dark.”

  Rae, whenever possible, always chooses to drive to her assignments rather than take a plane. She loves the option of stopping anywhere, and discovering something new behind the camera lens.

  “I wish you would fly. I worry about you driving all over the place,” I repeat my mantra for the millionth time, knowing it is falling on deaf ears.

  “I’m only driving to South Carolina. New York to South Carolina is only thirteen hours; it’s a quick trip.”

  Quick for her, considering some of her trips to California take almost a week to drive. I never had that type of patience; I’m always anxious to get to my destination as quickly as possible.

  I turn to look out the window, then look back to her. “Guess you should hurry up. It’ll be dark soon.”

  She pouts at me, knowing I’m not happy. She nudges me playfully in the stomach. “I’ll call you every hour on the hour,” she promises; our normal routine when she goes on these long drives.

  I nod my head, doubting I’ll ever be able to convince her otherwise. She gives me a quick kiss before turning to go upstairs to finish packing.

  An hour later, as I watch her drive off, an overwhelming feeling hits me, to beg her not to go. A need for her to stay with me in my protective arms comes over me, and I am overcome with emotions. Tears begin to fall as I watch the taillights of her car disappear down the street. A sharp wind cuts through me, and a deep chill hits me, all the way down to my bones. Her car is long gone, but the desire to chase after her remains. I don’t know why, but somehow, I know this will be the last time I see her, and I drop to my knees. As my neighbors stare from afar, I sob deep, uncontrollable sobs of grief to come.

  Chapter 2

  As promised, Rae calls me every hour on the hour during her drive down south. Completion of the book has been pushed out of my thoughts, as I worry anxiously for her safe arrival. Her last phone call was about forty minutes ago, and she said she was about twenty miles away from her hotel. I stare at the time and impatiently await her phone call. When I finally hear our wedding song play—the ring tone I set just for her calls—I rush to my phone.

  “You see, silly? I’m here, safe and sound.” She laughs at me.

  I exhale a sigh of relief and loosen the grip I had on my phone. She was right; I was being stupid. Not sure what came over me, but hearing she is okay breathes life back into me.

  “Hey, no laughing at your husband,” I say, with mock indignation.

  “Oh honey, you are too cute! I love how you worry about me, but I’m fine. Besides, I’m a safe driver.”

  “I know, I don’t know what came over me.”

  “I should unpack and get a lay of the land, so I’m prepared for tomorrow.”

  “Alright, I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  She hangs up, and I stare at my phone that lies in my palm. Again, the need hits me to pick up the phone and call her again, just to hear her breath. I want to soak up every minute I can with her, and get high from it. But I know the more I interrupt her, the longer this assignment will be, so I fight the urge to hit redial. I toss my phone on our bed and debate if I should try to get some writing done, but I know the words won’t come out; at least, not until she is safely back in my arms.

  “Did you see the pictures?” Rae asks enthusiastically over the phone.

  “Yes, I saw them.” I open the email she sent a few hours ago, of the historic De Wolfe Plantation. Her assignment was taking pictures of the old historic plantations of South Carolina juxtaposed against today’s south. The moment she saw the mansion, she called me and declared we should buy it and restore it to its former glory. It has fallen into deep disrepair, and has not been adopted into the Historical Society.

  “It’s my dream house, almost exactly to the tee of the one I always dreamt of when I was a little girl. I just knew, when I saw it, that I am meant to live there.”

  “Honey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Our life is here in New York.”

  I can hear the pout over the phone. “Evan, please. I never ask for anything, but I want this. I can’t explain it.”

  Guilt hits me. She’s right; she never asks for a damn thing from me. I’m the demanding one in this relationship. “Alright, when you get back, we’ll discuss it further. I can have James look into it for us.” James is my agent and best friend.

  She giggles with delight and promises me mind-blowing sex upon her return. I delight at her enthusiasm, then look at the time.

  “Hey, you should get a move on, so you don’t miss your flight.”

  I convinced her to let her assistant drive her car back to New York, and I bought Rae a plane ticket. She argued, but eventually gave in when she realized how important it was to me.

  “I’ve got oodles of time.” I hear the click of her mouse, probably as she scans through the pictures she has taken.

  “Rae, it's better to be safe than sorry. You should get going.”

  “Alright, party pooper.” She sighs. “I have so many ideas for the house.”

  “I thought we would discuss it further.”

  Her tone becomes serious. “Evan, I don’t know how to explain it. But I am supposed to live in that house. I just know it.”

  “Honey, you do realize how different living in the south will be from living in the north?”

  “E
van, you act like I’m asking you to move to Mars or something.”

  “Might as well be,” I mutter under my breath.

  “Evan, I want that house.” She is digging her heels in on this, and I know we will eventually get this house, with me kicking and screaming all the way.

  “You have two hours before your flight.” I go for the cheap tactic of switching topics to buy me some time.

  “I know when you are blowing me off. We will discuss this when I get home tonight. I guess I should get ready to leave.”

  “I love you, and I promise to give this some serious consideration.”

  “I love you too, and you better.” She hangs up.

  I wait for the anxiety that I’ve been feeling since the day she left, but it doesn’t hit me. Instead, my eyes begin to droop, so I decide to take a power nap before her return. I plan on making love to my wife all night, and I need all the energy I can muster.

  Her soft hands reach out for mine, and we link fingers. I rub the pad of my finger over her wedding ring, and a surge of love pulses through my veins. She smiles and leans over to kiss me before we have to buckle our seats for our flight.

  “Have I told you how much I love you?” She smiles against my lips.

  “Mmm, I think you showed me this morning. And last night, and the night before, and…” Her lips swallow the rest of my words as we drink each other in.

  “A-hem.” We both look up to see our stewardess smiling at us. “Newlyweds?”

  “Yes, that obvious?” Rae lies.

  “Honeymooning in New Zealand?”

  “Cook Islands.” Rae beams as she gives my hand a gentle squeeze.

  The stewardess’s eyes widen, and she smiles. “Lucky.” She shakes her finger, indicating for us to fasten our seatbelts before she moves on to the next passenger.

  “Don’t I know it!” Rae exclaims, more for my benefit than for the stewardess.

  We fasten our seatbelts and settle back into being faux newlyweds again. Ever since she returned from South Carolina, I can’t keep my hands off her. I never did finish my book on time, and James was none too happy to hear that we were taking this impromptu vacation, where we will be living off the grid for three weeks.

  My anxiety of something happening to Rae never quite left me, even upon her return, but I felt that it was because I had been neglecting her as of late. We were always meant to be together, and I decide to never let my work come in between us ever again. I even have a surprise for her when we arrive in Cook; I bought the De Wolfe Plantation for her. I had to purchase it at an extraordinary amount, but it is worth it just to see the look she will give me.

  Four hours into our flight, with Rae sleeping soundly on my shoulder, I think about what a lucky man I am. Perhaps we can finally start that family we used to talk about when we were first married. In the beginning, we wanted to wait until our careers took off, and that morphed into being too busy to start a family. But now, I believe this is our chance. Maybe once the renovations are finished on the house, we can start right away. I make a mental note to approach this subject with Rae, on what we are now calling our second honeymoon.

  Everything seems to be aligning for us, and I’m excited about this future. I will even take some much-needed time off from writing and help with the baby. Without realizing I spoke out loud, Rae stirs and eventually wakes. Her hazel eyes sparkle as she quickly stretches.

  “Sorry about that. Did I drool on you?” she asks playfully.

  I kiss the top of her nose. “You can drool on me anytime you want.” She giggles and links her fingers with my own, as we hear a voice come over the intercom.

  “This is Captain Tompkins speaking. If you will please fasten your seatbelts, we are due to hit a rough patch of turbulence that will cause some jostling. Nothing to worry about; it’s just some air pockets. At this time, the stewardesses are asked to please take their seats and all beverage services are suspended until further notice.”

  I can hear the clicking of seatbelts, and some passengers get up to go to the restroom quickly. Rae and I fasten our seatbelts and lock our snack trays back into position. Almost immediately, we feel the plane rise and fall, manhandling the passengers. Some people screech as the plane drops what feels like several feet, but quickly regains its balance. Rae and I smile and hold hands, both of us being pros with travel, but I can’t help the nagging feeling in my heart. The lights in the cabin suddenly dim and the passengers begin to panic. I tamp down on my growing fear as Rae’s eyes widen.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry about the turbulence. We are trying to fly around it, and predict to be hitting some more minor air pockets for the next five minutes. Please bear with us,” the captain announces over the loudspeaker.

  His voice is calming, yet doesn’t soothe the electric energy that the fear in the cabin has created. The lights flicker back on again, and people sigh with relief. I try to give Rae a reassuring smile that does not reach my soul. Something is wrong, I feel it.

  A loud bell goes off. Ding dong! Ding dong!

  “This is Captain Tompkins again. The bells that you are hearing is our landing gear indicators. Do not worry; everything is under control.”

  Somehow, I feel it’s not under control, as the bells repeat and for what sounds like an increasing decibel of noise. The shrill ringing spreads across the cabin like an offbeat harmony.

  I want to release Rae’s hand and place my fingers in my ears to drown out the noise, but I can’t bring myself to let go. The plane drops suddenly, lifting me off my seat and, gravity catching up, slams me back down. The overhead compartments open and some luggage is thrown to the floor. People begin to scream, and the only thing I can think to do is look at Rae.

  She smiles and mouths, “I love you.” I lean over to kiss her, but the plane drops again, pulling us apart.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves for impact.” The captain's voice comes over the loudspeaker, and before we know it, the plane plunges one more time, as we each scream with horror.

  Ding dong. Ding dong. Ding dong.

  I wake with a start, my sweat-laden clothes clinging to me. I swallow the taste of fear still in my mouth as my heart pounds in my chest. Inhaling large gulps of air, I look around, trying to reorient myself. I reach out for Rae, but the bed is empty next to me. Panic and dread grip me, and I scream out her name.

  “Rae!” My voice cracks. “Rae.” She was here with me. Wasn’t she? “Rae.” I whisper her name.

  Ding dong.

  Bang, bang, bang.

  Ding dong.

  Bang, bang, bang.

  Ding dong.

  Bang, bang, bang.

  The bells and banging from the airplane persist; I want the noise to stop. I need it to stop.

  I rub my hands over my eyes, confused. Where am I? I look around and realize I’m in my bedroom and Rae should be here any minute, according to the digital clock on our cable box.

  We are fine; she is fine. Everything is fine. Isn’t it?

  Ding dong.

  Bang, bang, bang.

  Ding dong.

  Bang, bang, bang.

  Is that the door? Memories of my dream flood me, the same ringing and knocking sounding in my ears. I shuffle out of bed and stumble down the steps. Turning on the porch light, I see James standing outside in the pouring rain. With trepidation, I unlock the door, and he rushes inside with a panicked look on his face. I didn’t need to look at him, to feel the anxiety oozing from his pores. I can pour it and drink it from him.

  “Have you seen the news? Why didn’t you answer your phone or your door?” He rushes into my living room and pours two water glasses of scotch, and hands one to me as he almost gulps his to completion. I switch between staring down at the drink and the dirt tracks he made, from the door to the living room.

  “What the fuck, James? Rae is due here any minute. I have a romantic evening planned for just the two of us. Speak quickly and leave.”

  His glass, which is still to his lip
s, begins to tremble; he lowers it. “You haven’t seen the news?”

  I throw my empty hand in the air in exasperation. “What news?”

  He searches around my living room before he finds the remote and turns on the television. A breaking news alert is on the screen, as a news anchor reports that a plane leaving from South Carolina to New York hit some turbulence and requested an emergency landing in Virginia, but it was too late. The plane crashed before it had a chance to land.

  The room begins to spin out of control as the glass slips from my hand and shatters on the floor, with me soon behind it.

  Chapter 3

  “I think he needs to speak to a professional. This isn’t normal. She’s been gone for a week, and he isn’t talking,” my sister-in-law, Dawn, says to James.

  I can feel James' eyes shift toward me before turning back to Dawn. “What do you expect from him? He just lost the love of his life. You’re her sister, for God’s sake. You, of all people, should understand.” His voice is clipped with anger and fringed with exhaustion.

  She points her finger at me and back to James. “Rae wouldn’t want him to stop living.”

  “Give him some time; everyone mourns differently,” James angrily throws out.

  I rise and walk numbly toward my bedroom. She is right; I haven’t spoken since Rae’s death. What words can I say to express my grief? How do I explain that when she died in that plane crash, I died with her? How do I explain that it’s my fault she’s dead? If it weren’t for me begging her to take the flight instead of driving back, she would still be alive today. I thought I was saving her, but I killed her instead, and I don’t know how to live with that. When I look in the mirror, I see the eyes of a murderer.

  I take a seat in Rae’s favorite lounging chair in our bedroom. She would spend hours, laying here reading, or flipping through assignment pictures. Sitting here makes me feel closer to her. Our bed feels too empty without her in it. This house feels vacant, and I am just drifting through.