“Others must have, though? What about your grandparents? Aunts and uncles? Surely they could have seen what was happening?” She knew his mother’s parents lived in New Zealand, so they hadn’t been around much and wouldn’t have noticed, but his father’s late parents had definitely been involved in their lives. There were lots of photos of them at his parents’ house.
He let out a humorless laugh. “Oh, they all knew, but they saw it as normal. That’s how my father and his brothers had been raised. My cousins were in the same boat we were. In fact, the first time my cousin Peter was brought home by the police he was two, after he’d wandered off in a nappy and made it two blocks away. Once might be an accident, but the police got to know Peter well.”
Maddy winced. “How old were you when Victoria was born?”
“Six. Emma was seven, though she turned eight just before….” He swallowed hard. “Just before Christmas.”
Maddy put her coffee down and moved over to Samuel’s chair, kneeling in front of him. She peeled his fingers off his cup and placed it beside the other one, and then took his hands in hers. He didn’t seem to notice any of it.
“On Christmas Day, the nanny had the day off. We were having Christmas lunch at my father’s parents’, and we arrived at nine o’clock in the morning. The first bottle of champagne was opened at ten past.”
His voice had become monotone, his eyes glassy, as if he was reliving the memory. “Emma and I were used to entertaining ourselves, that was no problem, but a couple of our cousins were only toddlers, and Victoria was just three months old. There were seven of us, all upstairs in the second living room, with Emma doing her best to entertain the other kids.”
She frowned. “Where were the adults?”
“Drinking,” he said, his voice full of disdain. “One of them would pop their head around the door every so often and say, “Everything okay?”, smile, give us a bag of candy or crackers, then leave.”
Her heart ached for little Emma and Samuel, and hardened even more to his family. “What about Victoria?”
“She was a good baby, luckily. She started crying after a while and Emma went out to ask our mother what to do. She pointed to the bag the nanny had packed and said there was a bottle in the pocket. We’d seen the nanny heat a bottle often, so Emma knew to put it in the microwave then test it on her wrist.”
“Thank goodness for Emma.”
He nodded grimly. “Sometime in the early afternoon, once all the adults were…jolly, my Uncle James decided to check on us.”
Maddy had never met their father’s brother, James, but the severe look on Samuel’s face told her more than she needed to know. “I’m not going to like James, am I?”
“Most of the time he ignored us, but he was a mean drunk. And that day he’d passed drunk and was heading for smashed. Emma saw him coming and made a quick decision. She told me to grab Victoria and head downstairs while she talked to James. I didn’t want to leave her there, but she’d already told the others to follow me, and she was two years older, so I set off, hoping to give Victoria to my mother and get back to Emma quickly.” He paused and drew in a deep breath. “I’d held Victoria before, but carrying her was another thing. By the time I was at the top of the stairs my arms were already tiring, and I wasn’t paying enough attention because I was listening in to hear if Emma was okay.”
He stopped. His breathing was ragged, his expression haunted. She wanted to hug him and tell him everything was okay, that he didn’t have to say any more, but now he’d come this far, she knew he had to get the rest out, so she blinked back the tears that were starting to form in her own eyes and gently prodded.
“What happened next?” she whispered.
“I tripped and dropped her.” His gaze suddenly swung and crashed into hers, and she’d never seen anything so desolate. “Dropped Victoria. She landed on the marble stairs. On her head. She screamed and I think I screamed too.” A shudder ran down his body. “All the adults came running, and, ironically, so did Emma and James, so Emma was fine.”
Despite knowing the outcome, she was almost afraid to ask the question circling in her head. “What about Victoria?”
He pulled his hands from hers and rubbed them across his face. “They called an ambulance. When it was on its way, my grandmother called everyone together. She must have guessed we’d been running from James, and she could see how bad it looked, especially with all the adults drunk and a six-year-old looking after a baby. I guess if the doctors put all that together with our ER history—the broken bones, burns, and the like—it wouldn’t look good. She told us that if we ever told anyone what happened that day, the police would take us away and put us in foster homes. So she made us recite our new story—she’d been carrying Victoria up the stairs and she’d stumbled.”
“She took the blame?” Maddy asked, trying to put all the pieces together.
He snorted. “She thought the authorities would see that as a tragic accident, but if they knew what had really happened, it could raise questions about neglect.”
“Nobody ever knew it was you?”
He was silent for several beats, searching her gaze, looking for something. “We’ve never spoken of it again, and you’re the first person I’ve told.”
Seeing the devastating effect on the man he’d become, her blood simmered. What an awful secret to have carried through his life. And to have made a traumatized six-year-old lie was unforgivable. “Did the doctors believe the story?”
“I think so. I was only young, but living with my family meant I was good at reading people for my age. Everyone was more worried about Victoria anyway. They got her to the children’s hospital and she was in intensive care for two days before she died. I was terrified of so many things. What happened to Victoria. That someone would find out it was me. That everyone would be in trouble and my family would be broken forever and it would be all my fault. We’d all be taken into foster care and I’d be to blame for that too.”
“Afterwards, were your parents better with you?” she asked, desperate for a silver lining somewhere.
“They were even more distant.” A small line appeared between his brows. “They never said anything, but I could tell they blamed me for killing Victoria. And they were right to.”
Oh, Samuel. Words of comfort were on the tip of her tongue, but he wouldn’t want her sympathy. The best thing she could do for him was to hold herself together and challenge his belief.
“You know you were only a child, right? You were six,” she said, her voice fierce. “You were a victim of that situation along with Victoria.”
“I wasn’t careful and my baby sister paid the price.” He spoke as if the situation was cut and dried—he’d been his own judge, jury, and executioner.
“You haven’t let yourself touch another baby since then, have you?”
He shook his head. “They’re so fragile. All it would take is one slip in concentration. One careless action, and they’re…broken.”
The way he said the word broken set off a clawing fear that traveled up her body, leaving her cold. There was nothing she could say to fix this, to help the man she loved. She was no psychologist—Samuel’s belief about himself and perspective about what had happened left her completely out of her depth. Was this even something he could heal from?
Though, if nothing else, she finally understood the undercurrents of her marriage.
“This is why you always kept part of yourself from me. You were raised with secrets. They trained you to keep secrets. It’s your default position.”
He rested his head in his hands, as if the admission drained all the energy from his body. “Maybe.”
“I wish you’d told me sooner.” Perhaps they could have avoided the disintegration of their relationship if she’d known what was going on in his mind.
He raised his head sharply, looking at her like she was crazy. “You were the last person I could ever tell.”
The last person? She sat back on her heels. Even thr
ough all their problems, she’d believed she’d be the one he turned to if he needed someone. “Why?”
“If you found out what a monster I was, you’d have left.” He spoke the words starkly, leaving no room for doubt.
“And I left because you wouldn’t tell. You were damned if you did, damned if you didn’t.” All through their relationship this had been playing on his mind and she’d had no idea. How could she have been so blind?
“I wish you still didn’t know.” And then she saw it in his eyes—the deep-seated self-loathing. The clawing fear that she didn’t know how to help was back, engulfing her.
“Promise you’ll do something about this? You need to talk to a professional. Maybe you could get an appointment—”
“I’m not telling that story again. Ever,” he said, spitting the word out. “And I need you to promise that you’ll never tell anyone either. Promise me, Maddy.”
There was a wildness in his eyes, and she had no choice. “I promise.”
A fraction of the tension seemed to leave his shoulders. “You can see why I can’t have a baby with you.”
“But you’re an adult now,” she said, trying to sound logical and reasonable, despite the emotions swirling around. “You were a child when that happened. It means nothing about who you are.”
“It means everything. I won’t ever risk hurting a baby. The price is too high. As I said yesterday, if you’re pregnant I’ll stand by you, I’ll make sure you have enough of everything, but I can’t be a father. Not a proper father.”
“You’re serious about that, aren’t you?” she whispered.
He didn’t seem to have heard her, lost in his own world. Lost in his nightmare. “If you’re not pregnant, we lodge the divorce papers and you find a man who can be a real father to your future children.”
A ball of emotion pressed against her throat. He’d offered her exactly what she’d come to the island two days ago to achieve—a divorce, so she could start her new life. Two days. How long ago that seemed. And how abhorrent that vision of the future looked to her now.
“I don’t want—”
“Maddy, you were right to leave. I’ve been selfish by refusing to let you go. Our marriage is over.” His eyes were empty, as if he’d died on the inside. There was no spark there to even argue with her anymore. “Call Craig to come and get you.”
He stood and stalked out of the room, leaving Maddy feeling as if he’d stomped on her heart on the way out.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Samuel had been walking the island’s coastline for over an hour with Lochie, and the darkness inside him hadn’t abated. He’d known since he was six-years-old that he was a monster, and that if the world knew what he’d done, they’d all think so too. Sure, he’d been a kid and the case wouldn’t have even made it to court, but he’d still deserved punishment. Victoria deserved justice. And so he’d spent a good portion of his life ensuring that justice had been served. It was the least he could do.
Then he’d met Maddy. For a brief flash of time, he’d believed maybe he could have something beautiful in his life. Had started to hope that after all the years of paying for his mistake, he could have one bright, shiny thing—Maddy’s love.
But he’d been wrong to want so much.
Maddy had been sympathetic as he’d told her of Victoria’s fate just now, but she had a beautiful soul, and she’d be kind to anyone in pain. Didn’t mean she wanted that kind of ugliness in her life. Or near her future child.
A faint noise in the distance had him looking up. A helicopter. As it drew closer, he identified it as Craig’s and his heart withered that final bit and died. Maddy had called Emma and Craig. He’d told her his darkest secret and she’d patted his hand and then arranged to leave with the signed divorce papers.
He kicked at the ground. He was glad, truly he was. He couldn’t give her what she needed. He didn’t have a pure heart to offer, just his tainted, smashed up one. Maddy deserved the best and he loved her enough to let her go so she could find it.
Nonetheless, he wasn’t glad enough to be there when she left, to wave as the helicopter took her away from him, so he called Lochie and headed for a cave down near the waterline. It was cool and soothing and helped him think clearly, and was the first place he went when the demons inside him were too loud.
When he reached the water’s edge, he picked up a stone and threw it out to sea. So this was Christmas. The day he’d always hated more than any other, would also be the day his marriage finally broke.
The ghosts of Christmas past had haunted him without mercy. Now a life without Maddy meant the ghosts of Christmas present and Christmas future were pressing down on him as well.
When the choppy rotor noise reached its peak Samuel strode into the cave, hoping for some respite from the sound. Lochie danced around the sandy floor, wanting to go up to the house to see who their visitor was.
“Come here, boy,” Samuel said soothingly. “Nobody’s arriving. Someone’s leaving.”
His heart squeezed painfully tight. She was really going. For the last three years he’d had some hope, admittedly remote, that she’d come back to him. Now there would be none. He’d never see the woman he loved again. And who could blame her?
But the ’copter didn’t leave. Samuel let out a heavy sigh and leaned back against the cool rock wall. Craig must have arrived sooner than Maddy expected and she was still gathering up the things she wanted from the house. Packing the remnants of their marriage into a box. Every minute that damn machine didn’t take off, every second, made the vice around his heart squeeze tighter. Why didn’t they just go? Leave him alone here with his dog.
Lochie jumped to his feet and ran to the cave opening, tail wagging madly. Then Samuel heard voices. One of them was Maddy.
Please, God, no. If she’d come down to say goodbye in person he’d probably crumple into a heap and embarrass them both. He prayed to all that was merciful that she’d simply leave a note this time too.
There was a second voice—another woman—and he froze. It wasn’t Craig, it was Emma. Damn it, what was Maddy playing at?
Then they were at the mouth of the cave, Emma’s face wet with tears, Maddy with her heart in her eyes.
He strode over to them, furious at whatever she was doing, whatever damn fool game she was playing with their lives.
“What’s going on?” he demanded, hands low on hips.
“Samuel,” Emma said, her voice breaking.
And he knew. Maddy had talked to his sister about Victoria. Everything inside him seemed to collapse in on itself, leaving only a raw, bleeding mess of himself. He swung back to his wife.
Maddy’s hands trembled and she tucked them inside each other and lifted her chin. “You made me promise not to tell anyone, but Emma already knew.”
“Damn it, Maddy. You had no right.” He was breathing too hard, too fast, but he didn’t care.
Emma moved beside him and laid a hand on his shoulder. “I’m glad she did. All these years and we’ve both still been prisoners to how they handled a tragedy.” He flinched and she took another step closer. “They were wrong, and it’s been hurting us both ever since. Never letting us deal with our guilt, our grief, or move on.”
He put a hand over his sister’s as it sat on his shoulder and gripped tight. “You had nothing to feel guilty about. It was me.”
“I was the older one,” she persisted, her gaze unwavering. “And I told you what to do. I’m the one who asked you to take Victoria downstairs.”
“I’m the one who dropped her.”
“You were six, Samuel.”
“You were eight,” he countered. And suddenly it hit home. They’d been six and eight. Little kids. Emma was right—the secrecy had made the guilt and the grief so thick and dark and impenetrable that they had never had a chance of navigating their way out.
“God, Em,” he said, and pulled his sister into a bear hug. She wrapped her arms tightly around his waist and he felt her crying into his shoul
der. Tears filled his own eyes, for Emma, for his six-year-old self, and for poor, sweet Victoria. He squeezed his eyes shut, but felt the tears leaking out the sides anyway, and the hell of it was, he let them. He’d been holding far too much in for far too long.
After long minutes, Emma eased back, wiping her face on her sleeve.
He ducked down to see her eyes. “Did Craig know?”
She shook her head. “When Maddy called this morning, I sat him down and told him everything. He held me and told me he loved me, then he brought me here to see you.”
“He’s a good man.” Samuel had always liked his brother-in-law, and now he liked him even more.
Emma smiled through the tears that still filled her eyes. “And Maddy is a good woman.”
He could feel his wife’s presence a few feet away, but he couldn’t look at her yet. Everything inside him was a confused mess of emotion and he needed time to pull himself together. Somewhere deep inside he could feel a glimmer of change, but it was too soon to know, to trust what it might mean for him…for his future.
He focused on his sister again. “Speaking of that good man of yours, where is Craig?”
“He’s waiting up at the helipad. He was going to call his family to let them know we won’t make Christmas lunch.”
“You should go.” He’d already hijacked enough of their Christmas Day. Hands on her shoulders, he turned her to face the entrance. “If you leave now, you’ll just be a bit late, but you’ll still make it.”
“Okay, but we’re going to talk about this more,” Emma said, suddenly sounding every bit the big sister. “I need to, and I think you do too. Our baby sister deserves to be remembered for herself, not the tragedy of her death.”
Everything inside him clenched up, rejecting the idea, but he knew she was right. They both needed to talk about it and try to deal with it better than they had been. They needed to be able to talk about Victoria without feeling bad.
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