Marty Pants #1

by Mark Parisi

  F is for froggy bank.

  I’ve already spent all the quarters and dimes on something.* The emergency nickels and pennies will have to do.

  My grounding is over, so I can legally leave the house. I guess losing the mural contest and having a sprained finger helped shorten my sentence. Also, they made an appointment for me to see some kind of head doctor even though I keep telling them my head feels fine. It’s my finger that hurts.

  I load up with the coins and take a stroll downtown to buy what I need to save the world.

  CHAPTER 40

  escape artist

  It’s late and I finish the other half of the coffee.

  The time is now.

  Time is of the essence.

  Time is on my side.

  No time like the present.

  Time to set the wheels in motion.

  Time’s up.

  Time to make the donuts.

  I tiptoe by my sister’s room. The door is open a crack, but she doesn’t notice me because she’s watching TV. And using her phone. And on her computer. And doing homework. And listening to music. And snacking. And painting her nails.

  My mom’s on another business trip, so now I only have to worry about my dad. He’s sitting in the living room with the TV on. Asleep.

  I try to sneak past him.

  Good news. He never announces that he’s awake when he’s actually awake. That’s a reflex he has when he’s sound asleep. The coast is clear.

  I slip out the front door and start walking toward the school.

  It’s dark and quiet, but mostly dark.

  My supplies are stuffed down the front of my pants, so I walk a little funny. I pass Roongrat’s house, and all the lights are off. Most of the houses are dark, and every other streetlight is out.

  I’ve walked this way a zillion times, but never this late at night.

  Alone.

  I hear footsteps and stop. The footsteps also stop. I don’t see anyone ahead of me or behind me, so it must have been my own footsteps.

  I continue walking.

  Every movement seems loud when it’s this quiet. A car goes by, and I try to act casual. A dog barks in the distance.

  I want to chicken out, but I’ve already proven I’m not chicken. Besides, I’m halfway there, and I have an important mission. Eye of the leopard.

  I finally get to the school, and I touch the front of the building. This will be my canvas. My “Save the Planet” mural will cover the front of the school.

  The design is all secure in my memory.

  Everyone will see it. It will make the newspapers, and I will have changed the world with my art, just like an artist is supposed to do.

  I take out my supplies: two cans of spray paint. I press one of the nozzles with a nonsplint finger, and I’m under way.

  This is harder than I thought. I’m going to need a ladder to get to the high areas, and I’m also having trouble seeing.

  I didn’t plan this well. I could use a hand.

  “Yer out late, Weddy.”

  Peach Fuzz?! What’s he doing here? He grabs the spray paint out of my hand.

  “Ya like ta cause truble, Weddy? I’m gonna cauze ya all kindsa truble. Yer sister ain’t here ta protect ya.”

  He sees my splint and smiles. “How’s ya finga?”

  “Fine,” I say. “How’s your . . .”

  “SHUT UP!” yells Peach Fuzz as he pushes me. I fall backward and my glasses come off. I reach around in the dark trying to find them.

  Why did this seem like a good idea? Why am I out here late at night? Why?! The coffee. I blame the coffee.

  Then I hear, “GWAKYAAA!” It’s blurry, but I can tell Peach Fuzz is being attacked by a wild animal! A rabid raccoon, I think. He runs around screaming, trying to pull it off his face. I put my glasses on just in time to see Peach Fuzz crash into a Dumpster and the critter tumble into it.

  Peach Fuzz turns around and comes at me. His clothes are ripped, he’s scratched, and his eyes look crazy! Is he rabid? What’s he going to do to me?

  Out of nowhere, a blinding white light engulfs Peach Fuzz. He stands frozen like a statue.

  Two silhouettes appear in the light, and I hear a strange voice.

  The aliens have come!

  “Hold it right there.”

  Correction. The police have come! They’re arresting Peach Fuzz for vandalism. He keeps saying he’s innocent, but since he was holding that can of spray paint, it doesn’t look good for him.

  One officer puts him in handcuffs, and the other takes the cans for evidence.

  “Salvador Ack, I should have known!” says one of the cops. “Painting your initials on the school?”

  I’m still on the ground, hidden in the shadows. Before I can crawl away, I hear Peach Fuzz blurt out, “IT’S DAT KIDZ FALT!”

  A flashlight shines on me.

  “FREEZE!”

  I freeze.

  “Now, stand up slowly.”

  I know that voice. It’s Officer Pickels.

  “Marty?” He seems surprised and helps me up. “Are you responsible for this?”

  Busted.

  “Yes,” I confess. “It was me.”

  “You’re the one who called this crime in to the station?”

  “Umm . . .”

  “Maybe you have what it takes to be an officer of the law after all! But Marty, you shouldn’t be following criminals around. That’s dangerous business. Leave it to the professionals.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “You should be home in bed. Let me give you a ride.”

  “No, thank you.”

  “I insist.”

  Peach Fuzz is taken away in one car, and I go in the other. I finally get my ride in a police cruiser. I sit in back where they usually put the criminals.

  I’m a little shaken up and just stare out the window. For a second, I thought I saw Analie looking back through the darkness.

  My cruiser turns in the direction of my house and Peach Fuzz’s cruiser turns in the direction of the police station.

  I can picture Peach Fuzz arriving in his cell.

  CHAPTER 41

  something’s missing

  I was able to talk Officer Pickels into dropping me off in front of my house instead of escorting me inside and waking my dad. Professional courtesy from a fellow law enforcement official, I guess.

  He waits until I get inside before he drives away. The front door isn’t completely closed so I’m able to enter quietly. I try to sneak past my dad, but bump into the table again.

  What a night.

  I crawl into bed, but can’t sleep. The coffee is partly to blame, but the real reason is something’s missing.

  Jerome.

  He always sleeps on my head at night. Always. Where is that crazy little . . .

  The front door! I forgot to close it all the way when I left! Jerome snuck out!

  This is no time for sleep. I have to do something! I have to find him! He could be anywhere!

  Flyers. I need to make flyers.

  Okay, the first thing I need is a picture of Jerome, so I look through my photos.

  I can’t find a single good one, so I take off the splint. I don’t care how much it hurts, I have to draw.

  CHAPTER 42

  the walk

  Oh no! I slept through my alarm! I rush to change my clothes, stuff the “Lost Cat” flyers in my backpack, and run downstairs.

  My dad’s still passed out in the living room. I can’t believe how late I am! No time for breakfast.

  I dash outside and hope to see Jerome, but there’s no sign of him anywhere.

  I’ll hang the flyers on my way to school. I run to the nearest telephone pole and . . .

  Wait, I see him! Jerome! He’s crossing the street toward me and there’s a car coming! I have no time to think, just act, so I throw my backpack to scare him out of the road. But as soon as the backpack leaves my hand, I realize something. It’s not Jerome.

  The confused squirrel
darts away while the oncoming car meets my backpack.

  The lady in the car slows down long enough to make an unfriendly gesture at me.

  Ripped papers float down, my math book is in two pieces, there are tire tracks on my homework, and the “Lost Cat” flyers are all torn up!

  This is a disaster! I try to keep my wits about me and scoop up what I can from the street. Cars beep at me as I try to cram my stuff into what’s remaining of my backpack.

  I pick up a ripped flyer and stare at my drawing of Jerome. Then I look down at my clothes. For the first time in as long as I can remember, there’s no fur on them.

  Jerome really is gone.

  I give up. I sit on the curb with my head in my hands and watch my papers blow away. Who cares? Not me. Nothing matters anymore.

  Then someone hands me a pile of my papers.

  I look up and it’s Analie!

  I quickly grab the papers from her, then I notice which one is on top of the pile.

  “Thank you,” I say as I stuff them into my mangled backpack.

  Analie says, “Greetings-human.”

  Did you notice that? I fish out my list of goals and make a quick update.

  CHAPTER 43

  analie

  Analie helps me pick up the rest of my stuff and we walk to school together. She tells me her last name, but it’s hard to pronounce. It starts with an N.

  I tell her about Jerome and show her the drawing I made. I get a little emotional. Forget about all the other embarrassing things I’ve done—crying in front of Analie now counts as the worst.

  She writes things down the whole time we walk. Her voice is monotone, and she doesn’t seem to blink. Somehow I find this appealing. She also seems very interested in me, and I find that even more appealing.

  I tell her all kinds of stuff. I even mention that there’s something I can’t really discuss and the world is in peril. She nods knowingly. I bet she suspects McPhee, too. She seems smart like me.

  Analie N. tells me she’s originally from a place far, far away. I think she means Montana. She also tells me I’m the only person who can see her. What a nice thing to say.

  We’re both very late for school, but for some reason I’m the only one who gets detention. McPhee doesn’t even notice Analie, he’s so blinded by his hatred for me.

  CHAPTER 44

  opening day

  At lunch, I sit and talk with Analie, while Parker and Roongrat give me strange looks.

  Analie tells me, “You-will-not-see-me-after-today.”

  “Are you moving?” I ask.

  “My-mission-will-be-complete.”

  I guess that means she’s moving back home. Folks from Montana sure have a funny way of saying things.

  I finally get up the nerve to talk to Analie, and now she’s leaving. At the end of lunch, I feel like she knows me better than anyone else, except maybe Parker.

  I watch Simon walking by us with some paintbrushes. “Time to work on my mural!” he says loudly enough for everyone to hear.

  I look back to Analie, but she’s gone. She didn’t even say good-bye.

  On the way back to class I see Simon again. He’s looking at the wall, closing one eye and holding up his thumb as if he’s a real artist. That was supposed to be the spot where I exposed McPhee. That was supposed to be the wall where I saved everyone! I was meant to paint there, not Simple Simon.

  Not only is my backpack falling apart, my life is, too. It’s only fitting this day ends in detention.

  I stare at McPhee as he stares at his computer. You win, McPhee. I can’t save the world. My world has already ended anyway.

  I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch and start to notice how hungry I am. I search what’s left of my backpack for the emergency candy. Nothing.

  My stash must be all over the road.

  Great. All I manage to find is an old, pulverized fortune cookie. I eat the crumbs out of the wrapper and peek at the fortune.

  Fortunes never seem to apply to me.

  Suddenly, there’s a commotion in the hallway. McPhee looks through the door window, then back at me.

  “Promise me you’ll stay in that seat,” he says gravely.

  I nod obediently.

  “Give me your word, Marty.”

  I give him my word.

  McPhee leaves the room and shuts the door behind him. I wonder what’s going on out there, but more importantly, he finally left me alone with his computer! This is it! My last best chance to save the world!

  But I gave him my word that I’d stay in my seat, and I like to keep my word.

  I get to his computer, but he’s one step ahead of me. Now I need a password to get in!

  Okay, Marty, try to think like McPhee. What kind of password would he use?

  iHateMarty

  iResembleATortoise

  AnnihilateEarth

  iAmABigAlienJerk

  iReallyHateMarty

  BatteriesAreDelicious

  No luck.

  Then I realize I’m going about this the wrong way. If I really want to think like McPhee, I need to come up with the lamest, most uncreative password of all time.

  password

  I’m in.

  And there’s that DO NOT OPEN! file just sitting there.

  I take a deep breath.

  For the second time, I open it.

  I see the word annihilate again.

  I look further and notice vocabulary words, homework assignments, tests . . .

  Wait. Is that why McPhee got mad at me when I snooped on his computer? He thought I was trying to cheat by peeking at test answers? That’s all it was?

  Wait again. I see something else.

  SECRET FINAL PLANS TO INFILTRATE AND ANNIHILATE EARTH

  CHAPTER 45

  100% proof

  There are maps and pictures and plans, parts of it are in an alien language. There are step-by-step instructions on how the aliens should pretend to be human to gain our trust. It even details where spaceships will attack Earth and when!

  Tomorrow!

  I send the page to the printer in the corner of the room and it starts whirring. I scoot my chair over and grab the page as soon as it finishes printing.

  It’s gotten quiet in the hall. McPhee must be coming back! If he sees what I did, there’s no telling what he’ll do to me. Detention for a month or disintegration for an eternity!

  I quickly scoot my chair across the room back to my spot. Then the printer starts whirring again. Oh no! It’s printing another page, and I don’t have time to get it! The whirring stops just as McPhee walks in the door.

  He has blood on his shirt! Has the invasion begun? He walks right up to me. And I have page one of his secret plans in my hand. Page two is sitting right there in the printer. I keep wondering if another page is about to print. McPhee doesn’t look happy, but offers no explanation as to what happened.

  At that moment, a crackling voice comes from the sky. It’s Ms. Ortiz on the intercom.

  “Marty’s parents are here, Mr. McPhee. He has an important appointment. Please excuse him.”

  My parents! Somehow they knew I needed rescuing!

  McPhee stands over me breathing heavily and in a very low voice says, “Go.”

  “Yes, sir!” Gurk! I never call him sir! He’s going to know I’m onto him! I casually gather my stuff and casually leave the room. I casually walk down the hall. I’m holding his plans tightly in my hand, casually. I’m about to casually break into a sprint when someone blocks my way.

  “I-need-to-stop-you-right-now,” Analie says.

  “Not now! Anytime but now!”

  “What-is-that-in-your-hand-human?”

  “A secret document the world needs to see!”

  She looks me in the eyes. “Can-you-hold-two-things-at-once?”

  Only then do I notice she’s holding something, too. It’s . . .

  “I-recognized-this-creature-from-the-flyer-you-created.”

  Jerome!

  I was so preo
ccupied with escaping that I didn’t even see him!

  Oh yeah, escaping! I grab my cat and thank Analie about a dozen times. I kiss Jerome on the forehead and do the same to Analie.

  Did I really just do that?

  “Crm wif me!” I say as I put the paper in my mouth so I can grab her hand. But she’s already gone.

  I hear McPhee’s voice booming from the room. “MARTY! GET BACK HERE!”

  I don’t think so, McPhee.

  I turn and run.

  I burst through the front doors of the school with my crazy cat in my arms and the secret document flapping in my mouth.

  My parents are waiting in the car with the engine running. Perfect! I bolt down the stairs, fumble with the door handle, and jump in the backseat.

  “GO, GO, GO!” I shout.

  “Hi, Marty,” my mom says. “We’re taking you to see a head doc . . . what are you doing with Jerome?!”

  McPhee heads down the steps toward the car, waving his arms.

  “GO, DAD, GO!”

  My dad starts to drive.

  “WAIT! MR. PANTS! STOP!”

  My dad stops.

  “NO, DAD, NO!”

  CHAPTER 46

  stuff gets real

  “Don’t help him, Dad!”

  “Your son (pant) took something (pant) without permission and (pant) I can’t have him showing it to (pant) anyone.”

  “What did you take, Marty?” sighs my mom.

  “Don’t say what it is, Marty, (pant) just give it back to me (pant). Now, (pant) please.”

  “It sounds important. Give it back to Mr. McPhee, Marty.”