Seize

by Clarissa Wild

  With him, I’ve always felt safe.

  Which frightens me even more.

  “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything in my life,” Sebastian whispers, pressing his lips to my temple.

  I bury my head in his shoulder, not knowing how to respond. I’m tired. So tired.

  “How do you feel?”

  “Relieved …” I murmur.

  He smiles against my skin. “I’m glad. That is what I intended.”

  Clearing his throat, he moves us off the bed, still carrying me in his arms.

  “Where are we going?” I ask as he walks through the room with me.

  “To the bathroom, so we can get you cleaned up.”

  I chuckle. “You were the one who made me dirty.”

  “Correct, which is why I’ll give your sore skin some tender attention.”

  Somehow, this statement makes my heart flutter.

  “But that is not the only reason,” he says as he places me in the bathtub and turns on the water. “I have reclaimed you as my own, and in order to start again, it’s time to rid you of their filth.”

  Accompanying song: “Hard Time” by Seinabo Sey

  New Haven, Connecticut – June 10th, 2013. Midnight.

  Confusion has taken over my soul. I’m torn between the feelings I have for Sebastian and my repulsion for what he has done. In my mind, thoughts rage about my anger and the desire for retribution grows stronger every day. But in my heart, the longing to forgive Sebastian and move on lingers and seeps into my soul.

  I’m tucked into his body, his arm laying heavily over my waist while his hand is curled underneath, staking claim over me. In this warm bed, I feel comfortable and safe, but a nagging feeling unfurls in my stomach, keeping me awake. My eyes are wide open while he’s been snoring for some time. Sebastian never left my room, which is the sole reason I never had a chance to truly think about what it is that I want.

  If it is him that I want.

  If his love is more important to me than my principles and morals. My sanity.

  Am I in love with this man?

  I don’t know. I feel numb, unsure if what I feel is really there. Maybe it’s because the lashes on my chest still hurt.

  The redness has subsided since Sebastian put an ointment on my skin. He rubbed me with a sweet smelling cream that relieved my pain. I’m baffled at how I handled gazing at myself with the marks on my skin. His marks. The marks that I now cherish somehow. As if I’ve conquered something and this was a victory on its own.

  Or maybe it’s because I’m subconsciously trying to ignore my true feelings.

  As I stare at the bright moon through the window, a thought settles in my mind. I am free.

  Free of the pain of my past. Free of the men. Free of Sebastian. Even when he’s here right beside me, holding me tight, he has already admitted to loving me. Someone who loves cannot keep his love away from the things that she wants. He cannot hold me here anymore. Like he said, he doesn’t hold the power anymore; I do. I hold his heart, which means I can go anywhere I want and he won’t stop me.

  I am free.

  Free to rescue Ashley.

  Oh, God.

  The moment I think of her, images of her horrid experience flash through my mind. How she’s still stuck in that hospital, being subjected to God knows what. It’s all fake, which means they could do anything they want with her. The men are relentless, and they know that she’s my friend, so they won’t show any mercy. I’ve escaped, which means they’ll take it out on her.

  I have to find her.

  I shoot up from the bed.

  Sebastian grumbles and fear settles in my stomach. I don’t want to wake him, because I’m afraid of what I’ll do to him if he tries to stop me.

  I made a promise that I would get her out, and now that I’m free to go where I please, nothing’s going to stop me from going after her.

  He turns around in the bed, facing away from me while I slip out from under the sheets. The desire to find Ashley is too strong. I’m wrought with guilt over not trying to escape sooner and finding her. She’s in there, all by herself, and I waited far too long to do something about it.

  The first thing I do is unplug the hotel phone.

  It’s simple, but a move only a maniac would make.

  It means that I know that he will try to follow me when I leave and I don’t want that to happen. It means that I will trap him here, so he can’t leave. I’m going down the path of darkness on my own without him. Sebastian taught me well.

  I slip on some shoes, put on a pair of jeans, and slip into a thick coat. Even in June, the nights can be cold, and I have no idea how long I’ll be away. If I’ll ever come back to this place.

  Keeping my eyes on Sebastian, I rummage through his pants to find his wallet and take out a few bills. I hate stealing, so I make a promise to myself that I’ll pay him back someday. I walk to the table where we had a late dinner last night and grab a steak knife. It’ll have to do as a weapon because I know that I’ll need something to protect myself and get her out. Those men won’t go down easily, and certainly not without a fight. I know how it feels to puncture flesh with a knife now, so it’ll only be easier the second time around.

  In a hurry, I reach for a second knife. It drops to the floor, taking with it a fork and a glass.

  It shatters on the ground.

  In an instant, I flee toward the bathroom, my heart pounding in my throat. The bed creaks and Sebastian groans. I can hear him get up from the bed. Shit. Shit!

  I peek around the corner and see him barge through the room in a sleep-drunk haze.

  “Lillith?” he calls. “Where are you?”

  I don’t answer. Biting my lip, I watch him open the door to the outside. His head turns both ways before walking back in and closing the door again. “Lillith? Answer me!”

  Nerves fill my body with energy and rage. Watching the man who caused all my troubles call my name as if it is his to claim makes me angry for some reason. That I could let this man ruin my life like that and still take my heart … it sickens me to the point of wanting to wish him gone.

  He turns to face me.

  Within a second, I’m behind the door and hide when he comes inside.

  “Lillith!” he growls.

  When he can’t find me, he steps outside again. I watch him bounce through the room. Half asleep, his body is tensed up and his muscles bulging as he strains them all, roaring out loud. He snorts, stampeding to the door to open it again.

  I realize that this is my only chance to get out. If I want to get away, now is the time.

  So I creep out of the bathroom while Sebastian is too busy walking to the window so he can stare outside to look for me. Seeing him vulnerable like this fuels the victorious feeling in my heart. He needs me, but all I want is to escape his grasp. I hate him. I hate him for doing this to Ashley and me. I repeat this mantra in my head, because it’s the only thing that keeps me going. I have to get to her; I have to save Ashley, no matter the cost.

  I sneak up behind him, take out the knife, and hold it in front of his throat.

  “Don’t move.”

  He holds up his hands, swallowing. “There you are.”

  “Stop.”

  “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Where were you?”

  “I said stop. Stop talking.” I swallow away the impending tears.

  “I won’t. I’ll never stop wanting to connect with you, Lillith, in whatever way possible.”

  “Can’t you see that I’m done? I’m holding a fucking knife to your throat!” I scream, trying to make myself believe the words that I’m speaking. “In the middle of the night!”

  “I know. It’s okay, little fairy, I understand. You’re mad; you’re tired. I did some unforgivable things, and I know that you’re angry. Let’s talk about it.”

  “No, I’m done talking. I’m getting out of here.” The knife shakes in my hand.

  “I understand, but please … wait until tomorro
w. Sleep on it. Tell me again if you want to leave and I’ll let you go willingly.”

  “I don’t want to tell you anything!” I yell, pushing the knife deeper into his skin.

  I’m so freaking mad, but mostly at myself for almost wavering. He would let me go on my own free will? I don’t understand, which is why I hate him so much right now. How could he confuse me so much?

  “Lillith … I love you. Nothing you do now will change that.” He lowers his head. “Even if you were to kill me right now, I would take my fate with dignity. I put my faith in you to make the right decision, and I know that whatever you do, you’ll do it with conviction.”

  “Shut up. Shut up!” I say, shaking my head. I can’t give in now. I’ve come too far.

  “Lillith …” he murmurs.

  “No,” I say. “Call me Miss Carrigan, like you always have. Like you did when you kidnapped me and used me.”

  “It’s still me, the same man you fell in love with at the hospital, and you’re still you, the woman who needed a man to control her emotions and give her peace.”

  “I didn’t ask to be tied up and abused!” I say it more to myself than to him, like I need to prove to myself that I’m not in love with an abuser. That I’m not in need of someone to control me … I don’t even know why I’m saying these things, but I know that I must. For Ashley. Just the thought of her being locked up there with those men makes me want to scream.

  “You asked me to love you, which is what I did,” Sebastian says. “This is who I am. A man with uncontrollable urges to tie you up, taste your blood, and claim you as his own. This is what you need, what you begged me to give you … my love.”

  The knife punctures his skin little by little. “Don’t twist my words …” Blood seeps from his neck.

  “Don’t twist your own feelings.”

  “I don’t want to hear it anymore. Let’s go.” I push the knife further into him, causing him to step away from the window.

  “Okay. Whatever you wish.”

  “Give me the keys to both rooms. All the keys,” I say.

  He holds up his hands in surrender. “All right. If that’s what you want.”

  “Just give them to me.”

  He walks to his nightstand, opens the drawer, and hands me his key. My key is on my nightstand, which I grab quickly before returning my gaze to him and the knife that I have to his throat. Adrenaline clouds my mind, preventing me from feeling guilty for what I’m doing. I force him to walk to the door with me.

  “Open it,” I say.

  He turns the handle and pulls open the door. “Lillith, before you go, please tell me where you intend to go.”

  “What’s it to you?” I growl.

  “My life.”

  The way he says it, with a deep sigh and low voice, creates goosebumps all over my body. I shake to rid myself of them.

  I push him to the side, walk past him, and turn around. Now we’re face to face, and what I see almost breaks my heart in two. His lips are scrunched, his brows furrowed, like he’s genuinely worried. He really does care. Which makes this all the more difficult.

  But I have to.

  “I’m going to find Ashley,” I say.

  “What?” he gasps. “No, you can’t.”

  I point the knife at him. “Shut up! Didn’t you hear me? I’m going after her. There’s nothing you can say or do that’ll change my mind. I have to find her.”

  “Lillith, you don’t understand–”

  “No, you don’t understand! I left her there!” I scream, waving the knife about. “I left her there, in their claws, and she’s all alone and has no one to protect her. I have to protect her, Sebastian. I’m going to get her out of there if it’s the last thing on earth I do.”

  “You can’t save her,” he says with a loud voice. “Please, trust me on this. Come back inside and I’ll explain.”

  “No, I’m kind of done right now. If I hear one more thing from your mouth, I think I might actually kill you.”

  He’s silent for a few seconds, his head dropping back between his shoulders. “I knew it would come to this one day.”

  I don’t know what he means by this, but it doesn’t matter. Right now, I’m the one in control and I won’t let him seduce me back inside with the promise of truth, because I can’t trust him. My mind, soul, heart, and body want to trust him, but I can’t. Saving Ashley is far more important.

  I push the key into the lock. “Stay safe,” I say as I close the door and lock it.

  “I won’t let you go. I’m coming after you, Lillith. One way or another. You’re making a big mistake. I’ll find you. Whatever it takes,” is the last thing I hear before I rush down the hall and force away the regret.

  Accompanying song: “The Hunted” by Snow Ghosts

  New Haven, Connecticut – June 10th, 2013. Early morning.

  It took some time to get the staff here and break me out. She cleverly unhooked the phone, which I only discovered after fifteen minutes. Then another twenty minutes passed before the staff actually managed to find a spare key to her room. Of course, it didn’t help that it was four in the morning. When they finally arrived to free me, I was livid. If I wasn’t so keen on chasing after her, I would’ve trashed the whole place. The table didn’t survive those thirty minutes, that’s for sure. Of course, by the time I was running down the street, she’d already been long gone.

  My little fairy, running away to find out how cruel the world can be.

  Once she finds out what happened to her friend, she’ll surely need support.

  If only I could reach her in time.

  Summermount Facility – June 10th, 2013. Morning.

  Only a couple of hours have passed, but it feels like an eternity. By now, Sebastian must have followed me all the way to Summermount. I know it won’t be long before he’s tracked me down, so I have to be quick. My number one goal right now is to break Ashley out, no matter the cost. Even if the idea alone is insane, I will find a way to get her out of there. Sebastian got me out of the other facility they brought me to. I’m alive and free, so if he could get me out, there’s no reason that I can’t get her out.

  The first thing I do is find a shop in town that sells cutlery and buy a couple of big knives. The lady at the counter gives me a weird look, which I ignore as I tuck them in a plastic bag, pretending that I’ll use them for cutting onions. Oh, there will be crying all right, but not from cutting onions.

  I have to protect myself somehow. I’ve learned to use a knife and I know the feel of flesh. If they won’t let me get her out, I’ll have to take her by force. I’ve stabbed someone once; I can do it again. Nothing’s going to stop me.

  I can see the building from down the road, towering up from the skyline. It’s not far now. After I cross these gardens, it’ll only be a couple of minutes. It was only a few months ago that I last stood here and breathed my first free breath. After I had escaped the hospital, this seemed like such a milestone.

  Now, all I feel is determination and willpower. These gardens are the past remnants of my soul, like the petals falling down from the trees whisked away with the wind.

  As I pass traffic, it strikes me that there isn’t anyone moving toward the facility.

  I cross the street to the building, staring up at its barred windows and steep walls. Just looking at it makes my skin crawl. Bile rises in my throat as I’m reminded of the fact that I was kept here as a prisoner, a victim, and that this building belongs to the men who used us for their own pleasure.

  Before I go in, I take the knives from the bag as inconspicuously as possible and tuck them into my pants, covering the blade with my shirt. I can feel them move when I do, making me aware of what I’m actually doing. Insane. Yet I know these people who did this to us are just as insane, if not more.

  I swallow and step toward the gates. Tentatively, I shove the metal door, which opens surprisingly easy. The screeching noise it makes as I push it and go inside only adds to my nervousness.

 
Acorns and nuts pile up underneath the unkempt trees, some of them rustling across the path. The pavement is botched and stained, weeds growing between the stones. The garden that I remember, the one that I wasted hours lost in my own thoughts in, is overgrown with plants that don’t belong there. The pond is barely visible, and when I go to look, the fish are floating on top.

  I make a face and look around. There isn’t anyone to be seen, which is odd, because there are always patients wandering outside. No nurses, doctors, patients, or even other staff as far as I can see. Have they all gone inside for a gathering or something? I’ve only ever heard of that happening when there was a broadcast about weather alarms and such, but it’s a crystal clear day and there’s not a speck in the sky. It’s not the weather that’s keeping them inside … so why is there nobody around? And the building looks so … neglected. There are cracks in the walls, moss growing up to the top, and even vines trying to crawl up. Just a few months of time have wracked this building pretty good.

  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say nobody has been into the gardens for quite some time.

  I go back to the entrance of the facility and open the door. A cold waft of air makes me shiver as I step inside. It’s not as hot as it used to be. On the contrary, I find myself clenching my coat. I’m too busy with the cold to notice the stains on the floor, the fallen furniture, and the broken lights. My brain just doesn’t process it, because it’s too unreal and the implications too difficult to accept.

  Walking further into the building gives me the creeps, but I press on in the hopes of finding someone.

  I call out. “Hello?” My voice echoes in the hallways, but nobody replies.

  The further I get, the darker it becomes. As I stare into the rooms, which are all vacant, fear sweeps over me, terrorizing my heart until it almost beats out of my chest. There is nobody here. No matter where I look, it’s as if these people have disappeared from the face of the earth. This place is abandoned.