by Tarrah Betts
My face felt hot as I opened up their chat window and found that Roan had deleted every single message they had ever sent back and forth to one another. I went back into his email account and checked the trash folder…and then hit the mother load. There, in black and white, was every single email Roan and “Roan’s Baby” had sent back and forth to one another over the past six months.
My face burned with rage and humiliation as I read through each and every one. They were overtly sexual in nature on his part and romantic and loving on hers and from what Roan had written, it seemed that her name was Andie.
How dare he toy with me like this when he’d had a girlfriend all along? How could he do this to me?
How?
Or better yet, why would he do this to me? What had I ever done to him to deserve this kind of treatment from him?
And then I went completely apeshit, for lack of a better word.
My chest heaving with mind numbing violence, I picked up the laptop and smashed it against the floor, screaming in outrage. Then I picked it up and smashed it again and again until the screen was broken and parts of the keyboard started falling off it.
But I was not done yet, not by a long shot.
I tore the bedding off his bed, threw it on the floor and stomped all over it. I knocked everything off of his dresser and pulled out all the drawers and dumped the contents onto the floor. I could not stop myself. I was a dichotomy of furious anger and desperation for Roan to love me. The thought of him with another woman drove me mad with blinding ferocity as I ripped open his closet door and tore down all his clothing until the closet was empty.
I no longer cared about repercussions or how angry Roan would be when he came home and saw what I’d done to his room and all his things. I did not live in that head space anymore.
Roan was an asshole. He used me. He didn't deserve the same consideration and concern that I would normally extend to others.
I picked up his broken computer and smashed it into his dresser mirror. Then I picked it up and threw it again; I didn’t stop until shards of glass littered the top of the dresser and floor.
I hate you Roan!
I hate how you gently wrapped your hands around me, encouraging me to open, like a blooming rose, only to wickedly snap off the stem.
Love me, loves me not.
You threw the petals to the ground, Roan, and crushed them beneath your boot!
I pushed his flat screen tv off the dresser and jumped on the back of it and bounced up and down in my bare feet until the screen made crunching sounds and it was cracked and broken against the floor.
I felt as though I was on autopilot and not really in control of my actions. I did not think, there were no other sentient thoughts in my brain, other than the one that banged like a gong in my head over and over.
Roan had used me.
I was only capable of doing, not thinking. I’m glad my mother wasn’t home to see me so out of control; it wouldn’t have been pretty.
As it were, I was all alone with my rage as she was away on business, as usual. She was never around when I needed her anymore.
I made my way downstairs to the basement and grabbed a can of black spray paint. Returning to Roan’s room, I spray painted: xoRoans_Babyxo, go fuck yourself you lying bastard, all over Roan’s walls.
Again and again and again, like an unhinged lunatic I wrote the words out over and over again hoping that the pain I felt inside would somehow leave me and leach out into the words.
Finally, I used the spray can to smash out his light fixture on the ceiling and turned to survey the damage before I left the room. It was completely and utterly trashed.
Still, I did not feel better. I would never feel better. Roan had broken something deep inside me.
Something ethereal and fragile had come apart inside of me and I wanted to rage against Roan and pound his face in, while I strangled “Roans Baby” until she turned blue. Then I would kick her in the face repeatedly until she was a bloody mess.
I had no idea where such vehemence and thirst for retribution had come from but I had never in my life wanted to do bodily harm to another human being like I did in that moment. Something was awakening and changing me inside and in doing so, had changed my thought process and feelings of possessiveness towards Roan.
Roan was mine, not hers. How dare this whore take him from me?
Slamming Roan’s bedroom door, I spray painted the word “Liar” on the door and ripped off the bracelet he’d given me for Christmas and taped it to the door with duct tape.
Like a robot on autopilot, I walked to the bathroom, washed the makeup off my face, then went to my room and pulled on some jeans and a shirt. I didn’t give a shit anymore, what difference did it make how I looked at the party? Who did I have to look good for?
Another guy?
That was laughable; I would never love another man again for as long as I lived. Roan had broken me in a way that could not be repaired. His betrayal was the straw that broke the camels back in a lifetime of shitty experiences.
It was bad enough that my father had died and I’d never gotten the chance to even form memories of him that I could hold on to, but then to have my mother became a drug addict and kill herself over it.
It was too much for one person to endure.
But that wasn’t it, oh no, the tragic comedy that was my life had only just begun. I then had the privilege of being bounced around from foster home to foster home for more than a year, never staying in one place long enough to let my guard down and actually feel safe for more than a week or two at a time.
And to finally arrive in Spruce Hollow, a two-bit werewolf town where none of the pack members treated me like I belonged there, where I had a mother, who wasn’t really much of a mother at all and where I was permitted to have exactly one female friend.
It was enough to drive any sane person over the edge.
But then Roan came into my life and for the first time in my entire life, I eventually allowed myself to trust another human being and to slowly form a bond with him that was so solid, that I thought nothing could ever break it.
But I had been wrong. Deceived. And what had Roan done with the trust that I'd so foolishly placed in him?
He’d broken it and smashed it with his deception and lies.
If I had been wrong about Roan, and it was pretty obvious I didn’t know the first thing about who he really was, then how did I even know who I was anymore?
It was enough.
I’d been through enough. I couldn’t take anymore. This lifetime of never having a safe place to land was too much for one person to bear.
I had finally fractured, and the dam was fully open as the painful memories that I’d buried and stuffed down since my mother had killed herself, came rushing to the surface and engulfed me like a storm tossed wave.
I leaned back against my bedroom wall, slid down and hit the floor, my arms and legs tangled in a heap of human misery as I rocked myself back and forth in the age old symbol of suffering and despair.
Chapter 31
***
By the time I peeled myself up off the floor, washed my tearstained face, called a cab and made it to Sorcha’s house, the New Years party was already in full swing.
I got out of the cab at the end of their long country driveway as the cab couldn’t drive down to the house because the cars parked on both sides of the driveway made the way too narrow.
There were cars everywhere, all the way down to the house and also on both sides of the road leading to Sorcha’s house and extending all the way up past the turnoff to the highway. I had never seen so many cars all in one place in Spruce Hollow before.
Paying the driver, I took a quick glance around; there was a sea of people literally everywhere I looked and it seemed like every single person I knew from town was here and I vaguely wondered if Roan and his girlfriend were here too, drinking and sucking face as he inwardly chuckled at how stupid and naive I had been.
&n
bsp; I felt feral and inhuman whenever I thought Roan’s name in my head now. It was like the sound of it touched on some unseen nerve and made me want to gouge his heart out, to hurt him, over and over again for the way he had toyed with me. I had trusted him above all others and had given him the most precious thing I had to give, my heart, and he ripped it in half like a bloody piece of meat and then mashed it into paste.
As I walked down the driveway, traumatic scenes from my childhood kept playing over and over in my head, going faster and faster until it was nothing but a blur. The world felt like it was spinning around and round and out of control.
Stop the ride; I want to get off. Please.
I wandered down towards the barn, with no real destination in mind. I didn’t care about anything anymore. All I knew was that as soon as this horrible night was over, I just wanted to get as far away from Roan and this awful town as possible.
The truth was, I had nowhere else to go but Sorcha’s party. My only other option involved waiting at home for Roan to get back from his New Years revelry and experience his reaction in the flesh when he saw what I did to his room.
So, umm, no thanks and Sorcha’s party it was.
I wanted to leave town now, but realistically, where was I going to go on New Years Eve? There was no way I was leaving Spruce Hollow tonight, unless of course I hitchhiked out of here and who would be on the road leaving Spruce Hollow on New Years Eve?
No one that I wanted to get into a car with, that’s who.
I had a plan though, before the cab driver had dropped me off at Sorcha’s, I’d asked him to stop at Spruce Hollow Savings and Loan. I’d gone in to the bank machine, accessed my “forbidden” bank account and withdrew every cent that the machine would allow me to. In the morning, I was going to use that money to buy myself either a bus or train ticket out of here, depending on whichever office opened first.
Nothing was going to stop me. I was leaving Spruce Hollow for good.
I finally found Sorcha, outside the main barn talking to a group of boys. I stopped before she noticed me and looked at each guy in turn and scanned their faces but I didn’t recognize any of them. Maybe this was the infamous cousin and his frat buddies from out of town that she’d gushed about earlier today?
Taking a big breath, I decided that I had no other options and started to walk towards them. I really had no desire to see Sorcha right now, in my current condition, nor to meet her cousin, however “hilarious” he may be or not.
I was worried though. Sorcha was very intuitive and would know immediately that something was wrong with me and frankly, I didn’t want to rehash the night’s events and involve her in the whole sordid affair. I could just picture her beautiful face contorted in horror as I let the words spill from my mouth: "You know Roan, right? Well, he's a Were and I'm in love with him."
Yeah, that'd go over really well, I'm sure.
But, unfortunately, if I wanted a place to stay tonight, I would have to talk to her in order to secure an invitation to spend the night at her house.
I knew one thing; there was no way in hell that I was going back home to my mother’s house. I would rather sleep outdoors in the cold than go back there and have to face Roan again after what he’d done to me.
“Hi Sorcha,” I called out, trying to sound enthusiastic. To my ears, my voice sounded strained and higher pitched than usual.
“Omg, Aspen, there you are! I’ve texted you like a million times tonight, where have you been?” Sorcha exclaimed as she hugged me, and then held me out from her as she took in my jeans, t-shirt and lack of makeup.
“Umm, Aspen, you don’t look very good are you feeling alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just a little tired,” I lied, hoping I sounded convincing enough. She cocked her head and regarded me with the shrewd eye of a sixteen-year-old girl.
“Yeah, ok, spill it. What’s going on, something is wrong. Tell me, you can talk to me, Aspen. I’m your best friend!”
“Oh, it’s nothing Sorcha, just family stuff, you know how it is. I just had a fight with my mom is all.”
“Oh, seriously? Wow, you and your mom never fight. Do you want to talk about it? It couldn’t of been too bad though, right? She still let you come tonight, so that’s a good sign,” she said with sympathy in her voice.
I nodded noncommittally, hoping that my robotic actions were conveying the appropriate amount of appreciation for her concern.
“Hey, tell you what, why don’t you spend the night, maybe let things cool off a little before you go back home tomorrow? We’re going to be up late tonight anyway. What do you say,” she asked kindly.
“Omg, Sorcha, that would be perfect! Thank you so much, you’re such a great friend.”
And I really, truly, meant it but when we hugged, but I didn’t feel sisterly towards her like I normally did. My heart felt dead and wooden in my chest. I just hoped that I had put enough emotion into my voice when I thanked her. I didn’t want Sorcha digging around further and dragging the truth out of me.
I didn’t want to blow my cover story, that’s for sure, because while I knew Roan would be furious when he found out what I did to his room, but there was no way he’d come looking for me at Sorcha’s house, potentially cause a scene by dragging me home by the hair and bring undue attention and scrutiny to the pack.
No, not Roan.
No, he’d lie in wait for me, in the woods just beyond the farmhouse, then would stalk me on the way home and wait for his chance to get me into the open so he could chase me down and pounce on me in wolf form.
I knew what that asshole was like, it was all just a game. So, as long as I was under Sorcha’s roof, I was safe. I just needed to stay here long enough for the bus station to open so I could buy a ticket and get the hell out of this one horse (and many werewolves) town. The further away I was from Roan, the better off I would be.
I was sure of it.
“This is my cousin, Taylor. Remember I told you about him?” Sorcha said as she introduced me to a male version of herself. He was a similarly blonde haired, tall and blue-eyed. He was also handsome, with classic features and an attractive wide smile, which was really no surprise, considering he was related to Sorcha.
Honestly, that family must have the DNA of a Norse god swimming around in their veins or something. They were all tall, blond and beautiful, every single last one of them.
As my hand got lost in Taylor’s larger, firmer handshake, he started gesturing towards his frat brothers and introducing each one of them in turn. I didn’t really care to meet any of them, truthfully, even though a couple of them were male model worthy. Troll, male model, what did it matter to me? I still managed to paste on an artificial smile and nodded politely as he introduced each of them.
There were five frat boys all together, three business administration undergrads, one English major working towards his teaching degree and a Philosophy major. All five of them were squeaky clean looking, all American boy types. That is with the exception of the Philosophy major.
The Philosophy major was dark and brooding looking with light blue eyes and dark hair. He sort of reminded me of Roan with his dominant stance and steely gaze. He wasn’t quite as tall as Roan though but he was just as powerfully built with broad shoulders and a straight back. His face was handsome with full lips and a wolfish grin.
He looked me right in the eyes and held my gaze, as I was introduced to his other frat brothers.
Dude, stare much?
As Taylor finally got to him and introduced us, I found it hard to look him in the eyes, uncomfortable with his bold gaze, while he raked his eyes up and down my body. He was sizing me up, I could feel it as he smiled this lopsided grin and held out his hand in greeting.
It was almost as if I was amusing to him in some way.
We shook hands and his grip was firm and dominant. I tried to let go before he did, but he held my hand a second longer, then let me go.
Like a big bossy jerk, just like Roan. Except f
or this bossy jerks name was Jude. What kind of name was that anyway? Maybe his parents were hippies? I felt like singing “Hey Jude” by the Beatles but the Jude in front of me didn’t seem like the type that laughed very often. He obviously liked to be in control though. I bet he got laid quite often with his dark, brooding, hunky male model, tortured soul vibe he had going on.
Sorcha and I stood around and made small talk with the frat boys for a while, until Sorcha heard a song she liked and gleefully drug me off to dance on the makeshift dance floor in the middle of the barn.
Frankly, I was relieved to get away from Taylor and his frat buddies but I’m sure they weren’t lonely for very long as the local Spruce Hollow girls had been hovering and glaring at Sorcha and I the entire time we stood around talking to them. I was getting tired of taking in their envious, catty looks and wanted to scream out “It’s her cousin for cripes sakes!!”
“Aren’t my cousin’s friends dreamy? Sorcha says as she grabbed me by the hand and spun me around on the dance floor.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Oh my god, you guess so? How can you say that Aspen? A couple of them are Wall Worthy for crying out loud!”
When Sorcha and I were younger, we had devised our own rating system of attractiveness for the guys we met and being deemed “Wall Worthy” was the highest level you could possibly attain. It simply meant that you were so smoking hot that you belonged in an underwear ad pinned up on our wall, like David Beckham.
“Really, you think so? Which ones?”
“Well, I’d say my cousin because he’s really cute, but that would be totally gross. So, I’d have to say Ryan, the English Major and Jude, the Philosophy guy who is staring at you right now as we speak,” she said with a cheeky grin on her face.
She was right, I could feel Jude’s gaze on me the entire time we’d been dancing on the dance floor. Since we’d left their group, I’d not felt his eyes stray from my direction, not once. Not even when their group was inundated with intoxicated, provocatively attired young girls at the party.
