She wanted that so desperately, but she wanted something else more: to make Asher surrender to her. She wanted to hear his moans and feel him tremble and take what he seemed so reluctant to give.
She sucked him, reveling in the flavor of his skin and the hardness of his heat. Combined with the assault of his tongue over her sensitive flesh, the entire situation was spiraling rapidly out of control. She ground down against him, stimulating her clitoris against his mouth and mimicking the action with her own mouth as she took him.
He began to tense beneath her in the same time as her strokes, lifting to fill her just as she arched to meet him. The world began to grow cloudy, fraying around the edges as her focus circled to where his tongue teased her. Where her tongue did the same to him.
Now it was like a battle, or a race, and Felicity focused on his pleasure even as he tormented her with her own. She was going to come soon, she felt it in the fluttering of her sex and she wanted to make sure he did the same.
She sucked harder, stroking him with one hand while she rode his skilled tongue, and suddenly there was nothing left but the pleasure. It hit her in hard, insistent waves and she let out a cry that popped his cock free. She stroked him as she closed her eyes and submitted to his pleasure. He let out a deep groan against her body before the thick cream of his pleasure jutted from his cock.
Her entire body felt liquid as she lay over him, her heart pounding and her breath uneven. She didn’t know how long she lay there, but suddenly she felt him shift beneath her. He lifted her, rolling out from under her as he crawled down to the foot of the bed and lay down beside her, facing her with a wide smile.
He leaned in and kissed her and she tasted her release on his tongue. It stoked the hunger in her body again and she deepened the kiss as she cupped his cheeks and held him close. She never wanted this to end. That was the trouble, really. She never, never wanted this to end.
He drew back eventually. “You need to let a man catch his breath, Felicity,” he said, his deep voice rough and low, but made lighter by the laughter in it.
She smiled as she rested her chin on her arms. “See, allowing me to give you pleasure wasn’t so bad.”
He reached out and began to trace a light pattern across her bare back with just the tips of his fingers. She shivered at the touch and the focused heat in his stare as he did it.
“I never thought it would be bad, Felicity,” he said softly. “I only don’t want you to do it for the wrong reasons.”
“And you get to decide what reasons are wrong or what reasons are right?” she asked.
His lips pinched at that question and she could see she had caught him. He sighed at last. “I suppose that isn’t fair, no.”
“I come to you, Asher, because I want to.”
“And because you want to control something in the midst of this situation,” he said, holding her gaze and almost daring her to deny it.
But she had no intention of doing so. She shrugged. “Of course there is something like that to it. I have spent far too long at the mercy of others. Why shouldn’t I ask for what I want, even take what I want?”
“You should,” he said. “You have every right to do so. But I worry that your drive for this right now has more to do with making something negative go away, rather than embracing something positive. I don’t want to only be a shield.”
Now it was she who pressed her lips together. She couldn’t deny what he said. But she also did not want to talk about it. There were many things she’d revealed to Asher, either through her own desire or because the situation dictated she do it.
But she didn’t have to give him everything. She didn’t have to make herself bare and vulnerable in every way.
She sat up. “Why don’t we talk about something else? We didn’t spend much time together after this morning. Are there any developments in the search?”
He hesitated for a moment and she though he might try to force her to keep talking about this subject, keep pressing her on her need for control.
But at last, he sighed and said, “Not many, though I did discuss your plan with Dane.”
She drew back. “The plan you so roundly dismissed?”
He placed his hands behind his head and stared up at the ceiling. “It is not easy for me, the idea that I am the best pawn merely because it would be accepted that I’m seen as so little to your family. But it’s a good idea. I can accept that and Dane thinks so, too.”
“So what will we do?” she pressed.
“Go to London,” Asher said. “Tomorrow afternoon if we can. Or the next morning. It was decided today.”
She stared down at him. “Decided. By whom?”
“Stenfax, Gray, Dane and me,” he said.
“Without any discussion with me or anyone else?” she asked, pushing from the bed.
“It was your plan,” Asher insisted, sitting up to watch her grab for her robe and yank it over her shoulders.
“And I would have loved to be part of a discussion over my plan, rather than cut out because my brothers and my…” She cut herself off. What did she call Asher? Her lover? Her love? “Because a bunch of men know best.”
She folded her arms, trying to keep the emotion from her voice so she wouldn’t be dismissed as hysterical. But to her surprise, Asher got up and padded toward her. He was entirely naked, which was distracting as anything, but he didn’t seem to be worried about that at the moment.
He caught her arms and held her gently. “You’re right,” he said. “I wasn’t thinking. We should have involved you. We should have involved everyone. This is your life, your situation, your future. You should be the one who knows each and every detail and approves each one. I’m sorry.”
She was stunned at his words and his tone, which said he actually meant them. She stared up into dark brown eyes and she saw his sincerity. She found herself wanting to sink into him, to let him give her the strength he offered for her. To trust that he would keep her upright when she was about to falter.
But she knew already that Asher was very capable of walking away. If she gave him everything, he could very well take it all with him the next time he left. And with nothing, she feared she wouldn’t survive.
She thrust her shoulders back and made herself cold because she knew it was the only way. “I appreciate that, Asher, thank you,” she said. “And now I should go to my room. If we’re going to London tomorrow, I should get a good night’s sleep. There will be much to do in the morning. Good night.”
He stared at her, saying nothing either to keep her with him or send her away. He just stared. Finally, she shifted and gave him an awkward nod before she hurried from the room, away from his seeing stare, away from his confusing touch, away from all the feelings he stirred in her that she knew were better off dead and buried.
She walked to her room and closed herself in, but alone she felt no better than she had with Asher standing across from her. She had told herself she could become his lover, take some pleasure and keep her heart separate. But what was becoming increasingly clear was that she couldn’t.
Now she just had to decide if she wanted to give up the passion or give up her tight grip on the emotions she feared so desperately. And decide soon.
Chapter Eleven
Felicity stared out the window of her carriage and caught a glimpse of Asher riding along outside on his horse. She stiffened and pulled the window curtain closed before she turned and found both her brothers watching her.
They had been traveling to London by caravan for a little more than a day now. They would arrive before teatime at the rate they were going. Felicity couldn’t say it hadn’t been a lovely trip. The family traded off carriages at almost every stop, which meant she’d gotten to spend time with everyone she loved and who loved her.
With the exception of Asher. He had ridden his horse the entire time, never coming into the carriages. It was like he was determined to actually be an outsider to her family. She couldn’t help but think that had to do mo
re with her than anyone else.
“You do not have a happy expression on your face,” Gray said.
Felicity sighed as she forced her attention back to her siblings. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a difficult companion. I’m…I’m worried about what will happen in London.”
That was true, of course. There were many terrible possibilities of what they would encounter in the city. They might not find the man they sought. He might not respond to Asher’s story of wanting to buy the secrets within the book. He might have already broken the code and exposed her to the world, leading to consequences she could hardly bear to think about.
“Of course you are,” Stenfax said, reaching across for her hand. “But we’re going to do everything in our power to protect you. Your family, your friends and Asher.”
She tensed as she met Stenfax’s eyes, then Gray’s. They both looked very knowing in that moment.
“Asher is my friend,” she said. “Or he once was.”
Gray cocked his head. “You think he’s not now?”
“I don’t know what he is now,” she said, then immediately wished she could take it back for her brothers both looked shocked by her answer.
“He’s a good man,” Gray said slowly, casting Stenfax a side glance.
She folded her arms. “What does that mean?”
He blinked. “That he’s a good man?”
“One who obviously cares for you,” Stenfax added.
Suddenly Felicity felt too close in the carriage, too hot and constricted. She briefly considered just opening the door and jumping for it, but of course that was utterly foolish. They were going too fast and she was in no danger except of making a fool of herself in front of her brothers.
Nothing new there.
“You two obviously think you know something,” she said, wishing her voice didn’t tremble.
Stenfax sighed. “You already know what Elise told me.”
“And of course you told Gray,” she said, glaring at Gray.
“It’s not my fault,” Gray said, holding up his hands. “Besides, it was Rosalinde who mentioned it first. Then I talked to Stenfax and we compared notes and…Felicity, were you really in love with him as a girl?”
She felt the heat of a blush rush up through her face, all the way to her hairline and she knew that told the story more than her words would. But she said them anyway.
“I cared for him,” she admitted. “He fascinated me. But he made it clear he didn’t return the feelings.”
“How?” Gray asked.
“You sound incredulous,” Felicity said, instead of answering the question.
Stenfax laughed. “I think it’s just that the way you act around each other makes it clear he has feelings for you.”
She pursed her lips as she thought of Asher’s mouth on her, his hands on her. “He has some feelings, I’m sure. He is a man, after all, and I am a woman. But that isn’t the same as caring for me. Or wanting whatever foolish thing I convinced myself I could have as a girl.”
Gray nodded slowly. “So you will not pursue those feelings again?”
She stared at him. “Of course not. I can’t.”
“Why?” Stenfax asked, sounding truly confused by her refusal. “Why wouldn’t you? Is it his rank?”
“No, that is his problem, not mine,” she snapped, her frustration on that subject coming to the fore without her meaning it to. “For me it is more complicated. I just…can’t. I have no room for such feelings anymore. I’m too…too…damaged.”
She said the last word so softly that she was surprised her brothers could hear it. But they obviously did by the way they both recoiled, their faces twisting in pain and a need to help her. Of course they couldn’t, but they didn’t seem to know that.
Gray shifted over to her side of the carriage and wrapped an arm around her. He held her silently a moment before he said, “I always thought I was too damaged, too, Felicity.”
“As did I,” Stenfax whispered. “But we both found love.”
Felicity bent her head. “Your situations are very different than mine.”
“Yours has more risk, I know,” Gray said, his fingers tightening around her arm. “But it’s worth the risk, Felicity. If you can be brave enough to take it, it’s so very worth it.”
She squeezed her eyes shut and took a few long breaths. Her brothers were offering her a lifeboat on a very stormy sea. But she was so afraid it would capsize, so afraid it was an illusion, she just wasn’t ready to take the rope, to make the leap.
She might never be.
“We’re almost to London,” she said, pushing the curtain back. Asher no longer rode beside the carriage and she breathed a sigh of relief at that fact. “Perhaps we could talk a little about the plan.”
Gray sighed, kissing her on the temple before he retook his place beside Stenfax.
“As you wish, of course,” Stenfax said, but there was no denying the worry on his face. Or on Gray’s.
And that worry had nothing to do with the threats against her from the outside. She knew they feared more for the damage she could do to herself by denying the truth. A truth that terrified her almost as much as exposure did.
When Asher had returned to his London townhouse that afternoon, he had been greeted by a pile of new financial information obtained by John and his contacts. How, Asher wasn’t certain he’d wanted to know. But he’d welcomed the work, for it kept his mind off Felicity. And it had for a time. But the moment he made preparations to return to Stenfax and Elise’s London home, all distraction faded. All that was left was Felicity.
Now he pulled his horse to a stop in front of the London estate and sighed as he looked up at it. He was conflicted about coming here. Partly he was excited he would see Felicity. After all, they had been separated for much of the trip back to the city.
But partly he dreaded the same. He felt her pulling away from him. He knew it was the best thing for them both. And yet it broke his heart every time she put a wall down between them.
“Good evening, sir,” Stenfax’s London butler intoned as he took Asher’s things. “You are expected in the green parlor. Let me escort you.”
Asher followed the man, subtly analyzing his livery, the way he strode down the hall. He recalled his father’s lessons in that same stride. A servant, especially a more elevated one, was to walk with “purpose, but not arrogance”.
Asher had always felt like he was walking a tightrope.
“Mr. Asher Seyton,” the butler announced before he stepped aside and Asher was allowed into the parlor.
Everyone else was already gathered there. Celia and Rosalinde stood together at the fireplace. John, Stenfax and Gray were together at the sideboard. Felicity stood alone, leaning on a wall beside the darkened window, watching him as he strode into the chamber.
“Good evening,” he said, trying to sound falsely bright.
“Hello, Asher,” Stenfax said, moving to shake his hand.
The others said their hellos, except for Felicity. She only nodded at him rather than approaching.
“Did you get my package?” John asked.
Asher forced his attention away from Felicity and nodded. “I did. But should we talk about this now? Lady Stenfax will be joining us soon, won’t she?”
That made Felicity move. She pushed off the wall and shook her head. “My mother complained of being tired after the trip and cried off supper here tonight.” She bent her head. “She has not been the same since I told her.”
Stenfax spun on her. “Told her?”
Felicity looked exhausted as she raised a hand to stay his worry. “Not about the murder. Just a little about the life I led during my marriage. She was under the impression that my marrying a title, marrying money, was worth any unhappiness I might have suffered. She was entirely unaware of the abuse.”
“And you told her about it?” Stenfax asked, his tone not revealing whether he approved of that or not.
Asher saw Felicity’s face fall, pain
ed by the idea that she was not allowed to tell her story merely because it might make someone else uncomfortable. Immediately, he stepped forward.
“It seems that keeping secrets, trying to protect those you all loved, was the main cause of a great deal of the trauma suffered by this family.” He saw that comment sink in. Saw each couple recognize it as truth. Then he said, “It is Felicity’s story to tell. I think she has every right to share it as she sees fit.”
She met his gaze and her voice was gentle when she whispered, “Thank you, Asher.”
“Of course you are correct,” Stenfax said. “I’m sorry if I implied otherwise, Felicity.”
She gave her brother a little smile before she said, “At any rate, Mama will not be joining us, so we are free to speak freely.”
“Very well,” Asher said. “What I found is that Gregory Fitzgilbert just sent out a large sum of money again.”
To his surprise, both Gray and John jolted to their feet, and Celia and Rosalinde each gasped. Asher stared. He’d expected a response from them, of course. It was their grandfather. But this shocked and horrified reaction didn’t make any sense to him.
“Could it be a payoff?” John asked, reaching out to take Celia’s hand. She grabbed it with both of hers, looking up at her husband with wide eyes.
Asher nodded, treading carefully through this obviously volatile subject. “It is in a similar amount to what he paid out before, when Elise’s husband was in control of the book and blackmailing others with it.”
Felicity stepped forward and Asher’s stomach turned at her expression. She was paper pale and her hands shook as she whispered, “Then…could the code be broken?”
The room got very quiet as that question sunk in. Those words that no one had ever wanted to hear pierced through them and all the consequences bled out.
“Could that be true?” Stenfax asked, turning to John.
John, who looked angry and frustrated. “If he is delivering a payout, it certainly implies that someone uncovered whatever secret he was keeping. If it was just a bluff because the names weren’t encoded, why not do it long ago?”
Adored In Autumn Page 10
