Black Girls Must Die Exhausted: A Novel for Grown Ups

by Jayne Allen

  I knew what I needed to say next to give her fullest satisfaction. I didn’t want to say the words, but it was her birthday and all.

  “Rob did a great job with this! I’m really impressed!” I said, forcing the last words out. To that, Lexi’s face lit up like a town square Christmas tree. She beamed.

  “He did! Didn’t he, girl!” Lexi threw her hand up to slap me five. Which I did and finally she let herself be pulled to talk to another group of people. I sat down, checking my phone, by habit, but found no message there to speak of, so I settled for making small talk with the people around me until Laila came. She finally breezed in just as we were making our dinner orders.

  “Hey Laila!” I said with a teasing smile. She knew what I was saying.

  “Girl, traffic. You know. Why they had to have this shit all the way up in West Hollywood…there is…” Laila stopped suddenly, catching herself. The people in the corner of our table were staring, some with their mouths slightly agape, like they were waiting for her to say the unimaginable. I could observe the quick switch in her demeanor and she straightened herself, pulled off a Kool-Aid smile and brought her voice up a few octaves. “Hi, I’m Laila,” she repeated a few times very professionally as she shook hands with our dining companions. She got settled in and we started our usual recap in low whispers passed to each other in a subtle way that only journalists know how to do without actually being heard.

  “Well, I have to say this is a lot better than what I thought it would be,” I said.

  “The night’s still young,” Laila said, giving the side-eye to Rob and Lexi, sitting across from us deeply engaged in conversation with guests next to them. They looked like young lovers, with Rob’s arm around Lexi and her laughing like she used to in high school, even before he gave her that STD junior year. I’ve seriously known them way too long. “Did you tell her?” Laila asked, breaking into my thoughts.

  “Oh, about Marc?” Of course about Marc. “Yeah, kind of, but we didn’t dwell. I told her I was fine enough times that she moved on. She’s already trying to hook me up with one of Rob’s friends.”

  “She needs to try to hook me up with one of Rob’s friends. Lexi never offers any of Rob’s friends to me, and I’d be way more open to one of them than you ever would…with your stuck up ass.” Laila snickered into her wine glass.

  “Me stuck up? Oh come on. You’re the one dating a Mr. Big,” I said, in a forceful whisper.

  “That’s just because he came on to me and I didn’t know he was married,” Laila said. “I’d be perfectly content with someone with less ambition and a reliable…” Laila shifted her eyes down to her lap.

  “Wait, now his dick doesn’t work?” I whispered, a little too loudly. Some of the people next to us turned quickly and then tried to pretend they weren’t listening.

  “It works….” said Laila, reluctantly. “Most of the time, but he’s almost 50! So, there are moments. That’s why he said he didn’t want to use the condoms.”

  “You’re talking about me and an NBA baby! You need to quit playing.” Laila giggled coyly, shrugging her shoulders with her palms splayed upwards. Just then, I saw Lexi heading in our direction leading a thin half-balding, copper-complexioned man with glasses in our direction. He wasn’t much taller than Lexi, which meant that he was barely taller than me, and likely not in heels. I held my breath hoping that this wasn’t Dr. Todd as she waved me to come over to them. I excused myself from the table and stood up. Laila and I exchanged glances. When she saw Alexis, I knew she understood where I was headed and why.

  “Tabby, I want to introduce you to Rob’s friend, Dr. Bryant,” Alexis said with a huge grin and twinkle in her eye.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you Tabby, call me Todd, please,” he said with a nice smile. “Alexis is trying to make me feel like I’m working.” He held his hand out to shake mine. Hmm…straight teeth, but isn’t he shorter than me? I couldn’t tell. I tried to squash the voice inside that kept pointing out his height. And the one making side-by-side comparisons to Marc.

  “I’m going to let you two talk—I’ve got to get back to Rob,” Lexi said, excusing herself. I felt myself blushing, and without words to really say during an awkward introduction to a stranger. Something about him was kind of handsome. Maybe his smile?

  “So Tabby, I won’t keep you long from dinner, but when Alexis told me about her friend and then pointed to you, I knew that I had to at least take the opportunity and say hello.” He smiled at me—a big smile. Hmmm…kind of disarming, friendly even. I smiled back, still feeling shy. “Well, to say hello and to ask if perhaps I could call you sometime? Take you out?” The normal post-breakup Tabitha would have made some kind of excuse, but “ovarian reserve failure” Tabitha knew better. I managed to find my voice.

  “Ok, Todd, that would be…nice,” I said. And how tall are you? Do you want to have kids? My mind raced with a million questions I didn’t ask. Instead, I gave him my phone number. I would just have to find out later. Especially about the height.

  “I’ll text you mine so you have it,” he said. I nodded. With that we headed in our opposite directions, me back to my seat with Laila for twenty questions, and him back to the end of the table near where Rob was sitting.

  “So what’s up with him?” Laila asked, just as I sat down. Before I could answer, we heard the sound of metal clanging against a wine glass. I turned and it was Rob, standing up with a glass of champagne, looking like he was getting ready to make a toast.

  “Everybody!” Rob said, clanging on the glass again. “Hey Everybody…I just need a few minutes of your time, and then I can let you all get back to ordering your desserts.” Rob was beaming, and his chest stuck out strong and proud. He had started working out pretty intensively about a year ago and had turned his jelly-filled moobs into what looked like a much harder wall of muscle underneath his shirt. His Rolex glinted under the lights, and just above that, the wedding ring on his finger. He continued speaking. “Thank you all so much for coming out tonight to help me celebrate this beautiful woman right here.” He turned to Alexis. “Alexis, when I asked you about the tenth anniversary of your 24th birthday, you said, ‘oh, I’m fine, I don’t need to do anything.’” Rob made a pretty good imitation of Lexi’s soft singsong voice. It made everyone laugh. “So, it was up to me to try to give you an evening that you deserve. And with these wonderful people here tonight, who love you just slightly less than me and the boys do…” he turned to address the rest of the table of groaning guests, “I said just slightly less, folks…just slightly less.” And he turned back to Lexi. “’Cause me and our boys, we love you so much Mama. You’re everything to us.” He took a lingering look at Lexi and then turned back to the crowd. “And I’m not going to keep folks long, because we need to make good use of this night that we have a babysitter, but I just want to let Alexis know a few more things. Baby, you were there for me when I didn’t have nothin’…and you believed in me. You pushed and even while pushing, you held us down. You gave me our boys, and you made my life one that I wake up every morning so, so thankful to be living…with you. I love you Baby.” Rob leaned in to kiss Alexis. She dabbed her tears gently like she didn’t want to wipe her eyelashes off.

  “I love you too, Babe,” Alexis said to him softly, almost with a whimper.

  “Can everyone lift their glasses please?” Rob paused, looking around the table to give folks time to find some kind of libation to raise, “To Alexis, my very own, oh so Sexy Lexi, happy birthday. You mean so much to so many people and we all love you more than it will ever be possible to express in words.”

  He signaled the table by raising his glass and we all mirrored his actions. The sound of classes clinking and “Happy Birthday” from the collective group filled our small room. Todd and I caught eyes for a moment and exchanged a smile. Could this work? Maybe? Rob quieted everyone again.

  “And for my last act…” Rob said, rea
ching into his pocket to pull out a small white box with a red bow on it, “This is your gift. You deserve this baby, you held me down, it’s my turn now.” And with that, he handed the box to Lexi, who could barely take it from him with shaking hands and a mess of tears. She lifted the top open to reveal a black plastic rectangle sitting in the middle of a square wad of cotton.

  “Oh my God, Rob! You got me the Mercedes?!?” Alexis screamed, seeming to forget everyone else in the room but Rob for a moment. “Oh my God! Where… Where is it?” She said looking around, as if it were somewhere in the room with us by some impossible magic.

  Laila tapped me. “See, not even 10 yet. And look what’s already happened.” We shared the same knowing look, and I tried not to roll my eyes. I was happy for Alexis, but couldn’t get with the whole display of it all. I couldn’t shake the feeling like I was watching a performance of what happiness was supposed to look like. Maybe I’ve known them too long. I thought to myself.

  “It’s right outside Babe!” Rob said, commanding the attention of the room to himself again. “Everyone, if you’d like to accompany me and my lovely wife outside, we can see her christen her new toy and come back and enjoy dessert.”

  “Do we have to?” Laila whined, looking at me. “I mean, like oh my God, really? What is this, My Super Sweet 16?...Talk about dreams deferred….Jesus…some bullshit…this nig…” Laila muttered some more things under her breath that I couldn’t even understand with all of the commotion moving toward the door.

  “Yes, Laila, we have to. But we don’t have to enjoy it. We just have to go support your friend.”

  “My friend??” Laila hissed. “Mrs. Thing is your friend. For real. Your friend who hooks you up with doctors. Clearly, I just inherited her ass.” We both laughed and headed out to the front of the restaurant, where sure enough, a sparkling white brand new four-door Mercedes was out front with the headlights on and a big red bow on the hood matching the one on the box. Alexis was doing a little dance on her way to getting in the car that made her ample butt and boobs pull her body in different directions. I was glad that she was happy, even if it felt like a show. Standing outside, I felt my handbag vibrate and noted that Todd must have sent me his number. “Well, I guess the doctor wastes no time,” I said under my breath, pulling my phone out to read his message. What I saw on the screen made me freeze in in the moment, the shock traveling in waves from my hand all the way down to my toes. It was a text message, but from Marc.

  Marc: WYD?

  I turned to Laila and elbowed her vigorously.

  “What?!” She snapped back at me, turning to face me quickly.

  “Marc just sent me a text message.”

  “He did? What does it say?”

  “Look.” I handed her my phone. And she widened her eyes as she looked at the screen.

  “Oh hell no. Tab, I know you’re not going to answer this. You can’t.”

  I laughed it off, “Of course I’m not going to answer it!” I tried to sound as definitive as possible, like my mind was all made up. “After what he did? No way! I’m just going to let it sit there... And, I mean, ‘what are you doing??’ Seriously? Nah, I’m done,” I said, convincing myself enough to put my phone back in my purse.

  “You sure?” Laila asked.

  “Yeah. I’m sure,” I said. But, then again, this wouldn’t be the first time I’d lied tonight.

  Chapter 12

  Between my receipt of Marc’s text the previous night and my ride to Crestmire, somehow, I managed to leave my fingers off of the “Send” button for any of the 15 different and widely ranging replies I composed. If I had sent them all, he’d literally be fucking himself in my apartment crying while having a glass of wine with me talking things through. I hadn’t gotten a message yet from Dr. Todd, a fact which I surprised myself by noticing. In meeting him, I didn’t recall even a hint of the butterflies I felt when I met Marc, or that instant physical chemistry that these days had me sleeping with a pillow between my legs. But, there was a certain something there. Something that made the corners of my lips turn upward thinking about him and something that made me just a little bit hopeful.

  Walking into my grandmother’s place, I was thankful to be in a better place than previously and also that Granny Tab hadn’t let my tears throw her into a lingering refrain of concern and worry. I cried, let it out, we talked and other than the regular how’re you’s, she didn’t make a point of bringing it up again. If she had so much as heard me cry like I did that morning, my mom would have probably booked a plane ticket and tried to 5150 me. I came inside and greeted Ms. Gretchen also, because the two of them were in Granny Tab’s kitchenette making plans around the “Senior Prom” that was coming up at Crestmire. Ms. Gretchen was showing my grandmother makeup and hair tutorials on YouTube with her smartphone. Now, I knew exactly how Ms. Gretchen knew more than I did about winged eyeliner and highlighter palettes.

  “Come sit down, Two! Gretchen is just showing me how to ‘freshen up my look’ for this Senior Prom thing coming up.” Seeing the confusion on my face, she went on to explain. “Evidently they do this every year here, just a night for us old biddies to get dressed up and move around.”

  “And to get laid!” Ms. Gretchen said.

  “Gretchen!” My grandmother turned to look at her, eyes wide, turning bright red.

  “Tabitha!” Ms. Gretchen said mockingly, looking back at her. “Look, I’m old. Ain’t nothin’ embarrassing to me anymore. I can’t help it if I’ve still got it,” she said with a smile. My grandmother turned to me and rolled her eyes.

  “I just don’t know what to do with you sometimes, Gretchen. Good Lord.”

  “You need to come with me and get your nails and hair done sometimes, Tabitha. You’re old and you let your hair go gray, but you ain’t dead yet. Don’t cheat yourself, treat yourself. I know I do,” Ms. Gretchen said with a flip of her loosely-curled blonde hair over her shoulder. She was well-maintained, anyone would have to give her that. Although, the thought of her maintenance happening because she was still getting “tune ups” at Crestmire was further than what I was prepared for.

  “Enough about us, Gretchen,” my grandmother said, turning her attention to me. “How are you doing, Two? What’s new with you? Did you get your promotion yet?”

  “No, not yet,” I said. “It was Lexi’s birthday party last night. Rob threw her a birthday party at a fancy restaurant. And he bought her a Mercedes as a present.”

  “Oh that’s nice!” My grandmother said. “Did you see Marc there?” I felt a pang. I was surprised she asked about him directly after what happened.

  “Um, no, Granny Tab, Marc didn’t come. He didn’t come because…we’re still broken up. I think it’s official.”

  “Now, what’s that?” Ms. Gretchen said, showing shock through an otherwise knowing look. “Wasn’t this the young man you were just talking about? What happened Honey?”

  “Well…” I said slowly, carefully choosing my words. “Based on what he said, he wasn’t ready for a real commitment and the fact that I started thinking about kids got him all riled up and scared. So, he broke up with me last weekend.”

  Ms. Gretchen shook her head. “Kids are exactly what you should be thinking about right now, if you want ‘em! Him too! Girl, he sounds crazy. Good riddance,” she said with a swat of her hand.

  Granny Tab shot her eyes at Gretchen, and then back to me, brimming with concern. “Well, Tabby, I know that you liked him very much. I was hoping that things might have changed over the week. He hasn’t reached out to you?”

  “Actually, he has. Last night, he did,” I said, letting my eyes drop away from hers.

  “Well, are you going to talk to him?” Granny Tab asked. “Maybe you should just talk with him and hear him out. If he’s just scared, maybe he’s thought it through and changed his mind.”

  “That’s not what his message said,” I said.


  “What did it say then?” she asked. I was embarrassed to answer, but I had to.

  “It said, ‘what are you doing?’” It sounded so much worse, saying it to my grandmother. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes.

  “What are you doing??” My grandmother echoed, puzzled.

  “Tabitha, that’s what these young boys do in their text messages when they get lonely and want some female attention. It’s just plain lazy if you ask me.” Ms. Gretchen surprised me by chiming in. What did she know about the “WYD” text?

  “Unfortunately,” I muttered. She was right, though. I had really wanted him to say more. After what happened, I needed him to show me that he was reaching out on more than just a passing whim. That’s why I didn’t want to get my hopes up. “Yeah, it’s really too bad. I thought that we…that he…”

  Ms. Gretchen interrupted me. “Don’t linger too long on this, Baby. Not too much longer.” She leaned back, signaling that she was about to go into one of her stories. “Let me tell you a little something. I’m long on stories, but I’m short on advice. In life, I’ve only got one rule, well other than the Golden Rule, of course, but this is my golden rule. I’m gonna tell you. When I first came here, to Crestmire, and I was looking at all the places like this, you know what they all had? Every single one had rocking chairs. I don’t know why folks think that old people like to rock, rock, rock so much. I personally prefer a different type of rocking, but that’s not my point,” she paused, grinning mischievously. “I didn’t believe that these folks liked these rocking chairs so much until I got here, to Crestmire. And Honey! You remember Clara, she seems like such a nice quiet lady with those big funny black glasses—make her eyes look like bugs when she’s hunched over, squinting trying to work those puzzles she likes! Well, Clara and Margaret almost got into a fist fight in the room one day over that last rocking chair by the window. The one that looks out at the big willow tree outside?” Ms. Gretchen paused to wait for my grandmother and me both to nod in recognition of her reference, before continuing. “I can’t remember which one got it. But, anyway, when they get in that chair, what do they do? They look out and start to rockin’ themselves, and let their eyes close, like they’re going to sleep, and some of them do. But some don’t. Some aren’t sleeping, Tabby. You know what they’re doing?” I nodded no. “They’re thinking.” Ms. Gretchen paused for effect, looking from me to my grandmother and back again before continuing. “They’re using what’s left of their dusty minds, goin’ over life regrets. But they’re not wishin’ they had spent one less dollar, or spent one more day with some jackass that did them dirty. No siree. They’re sitting there trying to remember the good stuff. The big good stuff they got to do, just praying that there’s enough of it. The stuff that even when your memory fades the details, that it’s still gonna matter to ya, and maybe make you smile. That’s what your time is for now, girl, cause you won’t always have the chance. And if this boy isn’t going to matter, then you need to forget about him and move on. Time becomes more valuable when you realize it’s running out.” She shifted forward and motioned to stand up. “And I have a nail appointment to get to. No new girl to make me late today! See you two later.” And out the door she breezed, with her smartphone in hand, still cued up on a makeup tutorial.