Black Girls Must Die Exhausted: A Novel for Grown Ups

by Jayne Allen

  “Congratulations, Girl! I knew you were gonna get it. Ms. Senior Reporter!” Lisa spoke loudly in the friendly and over-enunciated way that only seasoned anchors used, even in their downtime. For some reason, her use of “girl” needled my ear, just slightly, as it lacked the warm comfort and true familiarity that it carried when spoken between me and my actual girlfriends. I reminded myself that Lisa was just trying to make nice and connect. I did have in mind that I’d entertain the women’s group after I got my promotion, but this wasn’t exactly my sense of timing. I sat silently hoping that she didn’t bring it up.

  “Thanks, Lisa! Is that coffee for me?”

  “Oh, yeah, sorry!” Lisa stiffly rushed her way across my office to drop one of the cups she was holding on my desk. “Here I am holding it and not even giving it to you,” she said, laughing at herself. “I didn’t know how you liked it so, I brought some sugar and cream.” She emptied her pockets, spilling out a mess of little plastic creamers, paper sugar packets, wooden stirrers, and napkins. “I just drink mine black—bad for the teeth, but, that’s why I use the straw!” she said awkwardly, showing me her cup that sure enough, had a black plastic soda straw sticking out of it. “They don’t have these in the kitchen, so I bring my own. Let me know if you want one.”

  “Oh, thanks. Um, I’ll just take my chances I think…with the cup.”

  “Yeah, your teeth, Tabby, they’re really beautiful. This bleaching job, I have to keep it up—it’s so expensive.” She waved her free hand across her mouth to emphasize her immaculately white, perfectly aligned mouth full of teeth, flashing a very large, glistening diamond in the process.

  “Thanks, I’ve been…thinking about getting mine done.” I lied, but wanted to make her feel better.

  “Well, just let me know—I’ve got a great guy in Beverly Hills. He does everybody,” Lisa said in a speed just before rambling. I couldn’t figure out if she was nervous or just awkward in person. This was only the second time that we’d spoken, as my efforts to avoid her had been largely successful after that day in the bathroom. Try to let your guard down a little. I told myself. “Listen,” Lisa continued. “I’d love to buy you a drink sometime to celebrate, or dinner even. Making it to Senior Reporter is a big deal! I remember when I got that promotion. I was as scared as I’ve ever been! Do you mind if I sit down?” Oh no, she was going to stay.

  “I’m so sorry, Lisa! Where are my manners? I should have invited you to a chair. You’ll have to excuse me while I’m still an office newbie!” Lisa waved away my profuse over-apology and sat down.

  “Just let me know what night would be good for you. I’m usually free on Wednesdays and can sometimes get Thursdays with a little bit of notice…My husband has his writers group on Thursday nights, but he’s really great about staying home with our son.”

  “How old is your son? Your husband doesn’t mind babysitting duty?” I asked.

  “My son is five. He…he has special needs. He’s on the spectrum. Bill and I decided that it would be better for him to quit his job for right now so that we could have one parent at home at all times. It seems like Charlie does a lot better that way,” Lisa said, half glazing over while speaking. I wondered how much more there was to it. I thought about Rob, and reminded myself that every husband doesn’t cheat just because his wife is the breadwinner.

  “That sounds like a real partnership,” I said, wistfully.

  “It is!” Lisa said, fidgeting with her cup. “It’s not what we ever planned, and it’s not easy, but we do what we need to do to make it work. Since Bill is at home, we decided that we wanted to try for a second, but, nothing’s happened so far,” Lisa said, gesturing to her incredibly flat abdomen. “So it looks like we’re going to need IVF.” I perked up at the mention of IVF—I knew all too well how much that could cost.

  “Oh, wow, that can get pretty expensive, right?”

  “Oh you have no idea!” Lisa said. “Honestly, we almost can’t afford it. My salary is good, but it’s the only one and the costs for Charlie’s treatments, you wouldn’t believe. It’s a huge sacrifice, but we don’t have a lot of other options. We want him to have a sibling…” Lisa trailed off, looking down at her coffee. I sat for a minute in the space of silence between us, deciding if I was going to confide in her with my own struggle.

  “Actually, I know the IVF costs all too well,” I said after a pause. Lisa looked up at me with curious eyes. “I have an appointment coming up for egg freezing.”

  “Oh my God, I wish I had done that when I was younger!” Lisa exclaimed.

  “Well, this isn’t my choice,” I said. “I basically have to, or biological children for me is entirely off the table. And I’m my mother’s only child. You know how that goes.” Lisa nodded in understanding. “I’m going to have to use all of my down payment money. I’ve been saving for years to buy a house. My best friend is a realtor and she had just started showing me around. I was really looking forward to it.” My mind trailed off into thinking about how much I had started to enjoy going to the open houses with Lexi.

  “Well, you know, this is one of the issues we need to bring up in this place!” Lisa said. Damn, here we go. “Our insurance plan really should cover things like this. And there are options for plans that do. Just that our employer doesn’t make it a priority. But Google does, Facebook does, Apple does…” Lisa started naming an impressive list of companies on her fingers.

  “You know my…frie…um, ex, told me about this not that long ago.” I hesitated over what to call Marc. He was definitely an ex now, that’s for sure. I pushed down a pang of regret as I continued, “I forgot all about it after he told me, but you’re right. No reason not to bring it up here.” I thought about Chris’ challenge to me about making my voice heard. I bet if I joined the women’s issues group, he’d come to regret that mandate.

  “See, people think that some of these things are about social comforts or just a feeling of equality,” Lisa said, leaning forward as if sharing a secret. “That’s important, but people also need to realize that these are hard core financial concerns. Trust me, if men’s sperm were on a timer, this would have been covered a long time ago!” Lisa said, cracking herself up. We both shared a laugh as she stood up to head for the door. “Let me know about drinks, ok?” she said, catching my nod of agreement back at her as she headed out of the door of my brand spanking new office. Well, new to me. My new office. Damn, I did it. I made it to Senior Reporter. For some reason, Marc’s voice saying “I know you’ve got what it takes, Tab. You’ll get it,” floated through my mind. I debated for a second sending him a text to tell him. For what? I was torn, but couldn’t think of a good reason to do so, though, so I didn’t. We weren’t together anymore. And after Saturday, we probably weren’t even on good enough terms to qualify as friends. Instead, I decided to text Lexi. I would call Laila and my mom later and tell Granny Tab in person.

  Me: Lexi, I got the promotion!!!

  Lexi: Yassssss Bisssshhh!!! I knew you would!

  Me: Wanna get drinks tonight?

  Lexi: YES! Please.

  Me: Oh, shit! I forgot—I have a work happy hour. Can you go late?

  Lexi: Yes, Rob has boys tonight. Will keep me from going crazy.

  Me: Ok, will tell Laila.

  Lexi: Can it just be us?

  Lexi: I understand if not.

  I would have loved for the three of us to all get together, but understood Lexi not being ready for the details of her relationship to travel beyond the two of us. It was still fresh and her emotions were still raw. Kind of like my emotions about Marc.

  I pushed Marc out of my thinking again. He had wasted enough of my time.

  Me: Sure Lexi, just the two of us.

  Chapter 21

  Lexi and I decided to keep to our regular spot and meet at Post & Beam. Driving up, the restaurant looked exactly the same as it always did, but it was my life that look
ed completely different from the last time I’d been here. I saw Lexi’s car in the parking lot and walked in the door to find her sitting at a table in the corner. She was sipping on a straw and holding a tall thin glass filled with clear carbonation and garnished with a lime.

  “Hey Girl!” I said to Lexi, giving her my customary hug as I sat down.

  “Hey Girl.” Lexi said, her voice heavy with what seemed like concern. “Oh, shit, Congratulations Tab! Let me give you a real hug!” She jumped up from her seat and grabbed me tightly. “You go girl, making big moves!” She said sitting back down again after having perked up. She still wasn’t wearing her ring. I guess my glance was obvious; she followed it, looking down at her own hand. “Nope, still not on.”

  “You still haven’t found it, Lexi?” I asked, almost in a panic for her.

  “Girl, I found it.” I let some silence pass, hoping she’d elaborate. But all she did was pick up her glass again and take a sip.

  “You’re not drinking?” I asked.

  “No, I am.” She looked down at her drink after seeing what I guess was a puzzled look on my face. “Oh, this is vodka soda. I heard it has less calories…and is supposed to be better when you want to lose weight.”

  “Lexi, this is a hell of a time to go on a diet.”

  “I haven’t been eating much, with all the stress of this craziness with Rob, so I figured, I need to make good use of it,” she said, patting the area of her torso, just under her generous breast shelf. “Tab, I looked in the mirror the other day, and I could barely recognize myself! I mean, I went from Sexy Lexi, to Super-size Lexi. My ass is huge!” Yeah, honestly it was. I had noticed Lexi’s expansion for a while, but in this moment struggled with whether I should lie and tell her that she looked great, or find another way to reinforce what might be a path to a healthier lifestyle. I settled for a compromise.

  “People can’t stay young forever Lexi, you have two kids. I hope you’re not being too hard on yourself.”

  “That’s just it, Tab. I haven’t even been paying attention. This weight just crept up on me—just like the rest of my life, it feels like. For a while now, my existence has just been Rob, Rob Jr., Lexington, work, mortgage, get the boys to school, get them to their practices, try to pay attention to Rob, go see Rob’s mama, go see my mama, get my hair done, and maybe catch up with you and Laila, and then, damn! What about me? Where have I been in all of this? It’s like I’ve been absorbed by my own life—like there’s no me anymore. Do you know what I mean?” Lexi asked lifting her eyebrows and turning her head at an angle for emphasis.

  I was speechless. The person in front of me seemed like a possession of Lexi’s body. It was almost like I was talking to the middle school Lexi, the one before Rob, who told me everything and entrusted me with all of her secrets. I’d spent the last almost 20 years with the other Alexis, the one who was constantly balancing truths and fictions, mostly because of Rob, some because of insecurities, and eventually all at the expense of our closeness.

  “Wow, Lexi, I had no idea you were feeling like that. It seemed like you were just in some sort of bliss,” I said. It was true, she had made it seem like her life with Rob and the boys was the happiest place on earth.

  “I don’t think I’ve been feeling anything for a long, long time. It’s like I’ve gone numb. Rob’s…affair,” Lexi spat the word “affair” out like spoiled milk, “it was a wake up call. I needed to wake up from whatever world I was living in.”

  “He’s still at Darrell’s?”

  “Yeah, still at Darrell’s and begging to come home, every day.” Lexi sounded dismissive. I was shocked. The Lexi I knew could be without Rob about as much as she could go without a critical appendage. I was completely thrown off by her nonchalant attitude.

  “So, you’re not trying to let him move back in?”

  “Not anytime soon,” Lexi said. “I still need time to sort out my thoughts. Right now, I feel like I bought a bag of bullshit. This is my chance to find out what I really have, you know? All my adult life, I have just been Mrs. Carter.” Well, Mrs. Thing, actually. I thought. “And this is what I traded in my entire 20’s for? Here I am at almost 35 and I don’t know who I am other than Robert Carter’s wife and mother of Rob Jr. and Lexington. And that’s just pathetic.” Lexi took another long sip of her drink, almost to the point that I could hear the exact mix of air versus liquid she managed to extract. “And Rob’s ass is out here lying and cheating and shit. Can you imagine?” Lexi gave me that rhetorical question quizzical look again. “So, to answer your question, hell naw I’m not ready to let him move back in. I need some more time…and answers.”

  I did not expect this Lexi to show up, but I smiled a bit with what I could only identify as pride, seeing her stand up for herself. Welcome back, old friend, welcome back.. Lexi’s words were good enough to allow them to sit in the air while I waved down the waiter for my own drink and what Lexi would need as a refill for her diet concoction. My news had gotten lost in Lexi’s personal drama, but that was understandable. Even if tonight wasn’t much of a celebration of my accomplishments, hearing her sound this way was almost like its own reward.

  “So, girl, tell me about today!” Lexi changed the subject, seemingly reading my mind. “You got the promotion—what was Scott Stone’s reaction like?” Lexi giggled mischievously. I was relieved for my turn to dish. I needed to take a well-earned victory lap with my best friend.

  “Girl, it was crazy!” I said. “First, of all people, I wound up riding in the elevator with him and his cocky ass. He’s not so cocky now though. He tried to play mind games, making me feel like I wasn’t worthy, you know.”

  “No he didn’t!” Lexi said in disbelief.

  “Yes, girl, it was awful. By the time I got into the meeting, he almost had me convinced that I’d be working for him! When it came time, though, Chris said my name, not his!”

  “Won’t He do it!” Lexi said, giving me a high five.

  “Come thru Jesus!” I said back to Lexi.

  “And Amen, Girl! That is such a blessing. I am so happy for you!”

  “Thank you! I’m still processing it all. And then, Chris, our News Director, called me into his office. I thought that I was about to have a Me Too moment for real.” Lexi’s eyes got big. “But, it seemed he was trying to encourage me, or give me guidance? I’m not even sure.”

  “Well, what did he say?”

  “He basically said that Scott had outworked me, and that I needed to assert myself.”

  “Assert yourself? You know what the beginning of ‘assert’ is, right?”

  “Exactly! If I had asserted myself any more, then next thing I know, I’m too aggressive, right?”

  “What’d Janelle Monae say? Tightrope?”

  “Exactly. But, then, get this—Chris said that I got the promotion because he believed more in my perspective and my potential and that now I was going to have to prove myself.” Lexi laughed halfheartedly.

  “Don’t we always have to prove ourselves?” she said, as our drinks arrived on the table. We both laughed. “So have you told Marc? Are you guys back on speaking terms? Or, are you getting regular doctor visits by now?”

  “No, big no, and my bad on Dr. Todd. I cancelled our date on Saturday to go out with Marc. And that ended badly,” I said, making the understatement of the year. “He sent me over the edge. Girl, Marc is on some bullshit. He had the nerve to spill his entire guts and then tell me after all this time that he doesn’t think he wants to get married or have kids! I was like, ‘then what are we doing here??’ Girl, you know that’s over.”

  “You have got to be kidding me,” Lexi said.

  “Nope, serious.”

  “So, what about Todd?”

  I sighed, “Girl, I don’t know. I want to like him, but I’ve invested so much time into Marc. There’s just something about him that does it for me, you know?”

/>   “Well, from everything I heard, Todd is a great guy. Rob said you were gonna be too…well, he didn’t think you were gonna give him a chance.”

  “He said I was gonna be too what?”

  “Girl, nevermind what Rob said. He’s having a whole secret life with a wife and two kids at home. He obviously isn’t the one to listen to. Do you. If you want to try to work things out with Marc, that’s on you to figure out. If you want to see what’s up with Todd, I did my part.” With that Lexi threw her hands up with a shrug.

  “Marc is trippin’ though. I’m just confused.”

  “As you should be, Tab! But don’t be stupid, you need to call Todd. He’s a good guy. Marc, I swear. The nerve of him wasting your time like that. He knows you want to have a family! Honestly, that’s one of the reasons that I’m still even thinking about what to do about Rob. I am not looking forward to dating. Men out here have seriously lost their minds! And plus, I wouldn’t even know where to start looking.” Lexi was right, but I didn’t have any answers, just more questions. I knew I still wanted Marc to come to his senses. And I knew I wanted to want Todd, but how could I start on something new when my heart was firmly somewhere else?

  “Well, it’s probably too soon Lexi, for both of us. Just know, when you’re ready, there are all kinds of apps. I’ll show you. You’ll have a date in no time…that is, if you want one, Sexy Lexi,” I said with a sly smile.

  “Ha. I probably need to lose a few pounds first,” Lexi said with a self-conscious half-laugh. “I may not be able to get back to Sexy Lexi, but I can at least be a MILF.” At that, we both cracked up.

  It felt good to have my friend back. I could still see the sadness behind her eyes, but I could also see something much brighter and more radiant that I hadn’t seen in a long time. I hoped that thing, whatever it was, would latch on and grow. And if Lexi getting to a better version of herself meant that I was wrong about my guess on the timing of Rob’s return, then I’d very happily stand corrected. It would be worth it.