Black Girls Must Die Exhausted: A Novel for Grown Ups

by Jayne Allen

  I pulled up at the address of Lexi’s listing and sat in my car for just a moment, watching through the passenger-side window as stragglers toddled out of the stylized wooden door. Lexi specialized in rehabilitations and flips and this was a property that I remembered she had been working on for awhile. It was a house that looked just like one that I would otherwise be in the market to buy. Perhaps, I’d even be at this open house—as a buyer, not an interloper to drink free booze at the end. The thin paper with pricing options for egg freezing lay in my front seat. Also fitting. It literally sat between me and what could have been the house of my dreams.

  After enough lamenting, and being satisfied that all of Lexi’s home purchasing visitors had departed, I hopped out of my car to walk inside. She had done an incredible job with the redesign. Dark hardwood panels greeted my feet on the floor and a bright airy modern interior welcomed me inside. I could see Lexi moving around in the kitchen through the expertly staged living room area that I walked into.

  “Hey Lexi!” I called out to her walking in. It looked like I had timed correctly. The place was empty.

  “Hey Tab, come on back to the kitchen. I’m just cleaning up. Pour yourself a glass of wine.”

  “Lexi, this place looks great! Now that I officially can’t afford it…” I said.

  “Tabby, you know there will be other houses!” Lexi said, waving her hand with a broad sweep around the kitchen. “You don’t want to miss out on having kids. I’m telling you. I would give up everything I’ve ever owned for Rob Jr. and Lexington.”

  “Wouldn’t it be nice to have both though! I’m just saying. Here I am drinking free wine and living a fantasy that this isn’t about to be someone else’s kitchen.”

  “It’s as real as you make it Tabby…at least tonight!” Lexi said, laughing. We made a hollow tink against each other’s plastic wine glasses. My eyes shifted downward to Lexi’s hand. Still no ring. The tan line was even starting to fade into the color of her surrounding skin.

  “How was your date?” I asked, taking a seat on the stool and the marble top kitchen island. Lexi started to answer, but was interrupted by the door opening and Laila announcing herself. We paused long enough to hug her.”

  “Hey Laila!” Lexi said. “Let me get you a glass of wine.” Laila slid into the stool next to mine while it appeared that Lexi was going to continue standing.

  “What happened to your ring, Lexi?” Laila called out immediately. “Did you lose it?” I stiffened. Shit. Laila still doesn’t know. Lexi turned around slowly.

  “Rob and I are separated.” Laila looked from Lexi to me and back.

  “Damn, did you know?” Laila asked me. She didn’t even wait for a response. “Of course you did. How come neither one of you told me!” I kept silent to let Lexi answer.

  “It wasn’t the kind of news that you just text somebody with.” Lexi said.

  “I would have,” Laila said. “Or, called.”

  “I figured I’d see you soon enough and tell you then,” Lexi said, attempting levity. But, Laila wasn’t letting it go. She turned her attention to me. I had been watching the two of them like a volleyball match, just knowing that the tension would soon dissipate. Instead, it was rising.

  “And you knew when we were at the gym?” Laila looked at me with extreme intensity. I felt frozen and tight-lipped. “Tabby,” she warned.

  “Yes,” I said, feeling caught. “But, you know, I didn’t want to say anything until Lexi had a chance to tell you herself.”

  “This shit is crazy,” Laila said, shaking her head. I watched Lexi tense up.

  “Rob was cheating,” Lexi offered quickly.

  “How did you find out?” Laila asked. Lexi was silent. Come on Lexi, just answer. I silently prayed. I’d seen Laila mad before and she could go from zero to sixty in a heartbeat. Right now, we were already heading toward the 30 mph zone with the needle steadily moving toward the red.

  “How did she find out?” Laila turned to me. Shit. I froze. It wasn’t mine to tell.

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Laila said. Lexi still didn’t say anything. “What is this, the fucking house of secrets?” Laila’s voice started to escalate. “HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ALEXIS?” Laila asked again. I saw tears well up in Lexi’s eyes but she still didn’t speak. I figured that she must have been embarrassed, but I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t speak up. Laila turned to me with fire in her eyes. Her head turned so fast that her dreads made a thwack against her back.

  “You fucking told her, didn’t you,” Laila said to me, nearly growling through her clenched teeth. Huh? Told her what? I was completely thrown off.

  “Told her what?” I asked.

  “Did you tell her?” She said, standing up out of her seat.

  “I didn’t tell anybody anything.” I said, clueless about how to stop what was happening.

  “Bullshit!” Laila said. She turned to Lexi and spat the words out at her. “So now you’re judging me!?! You always think you’re better than somebody, Alexis and I’m sick of your shit!” Laila was yelling now.

  “Laila…that’s not what…” I didn’t know how to even start to explain without betraying the confidence of either of my friends. I kept searching for words.

  “You’re always defending her ass Tabby!” Laila said.

  “What the fuck are you talking about, Laila?” Lexi said.

  “The only person I’ve ever judged is Rob’s whore. Are you a whore?” Lexi asked rhetorically. Oh no.

  “Maybe I am, Lexi! Maybe that’s what you would say!” Laila grabbed her bag. “You know what, fuck both of you! I knew I shouldn’t have even come here tonight!” As Laila turned to walk back toward the door, I could see that her eyes were already red, even though fresh tears gathered and had only just begun to stream down her face.”

  “Laila!” I said, as I rushed over to her to try to grab her arm. She covered ground so fast, that I almost had to jog for any hope of catching her before she reached the door.

  “Don’t fucking touch me Tabby!” She yelled as she opened the door and then slammed it so hard behind her, the walls shook. Lexi and I looked at each other with wide eyes and mouths dropped open, frozen. For moments, neither of us moved or spoke.

  “What the fuck just happened,” Lexi said finally, breaking the silence. She steadied herself with both hands atop the kitchen island to take a deep breath. “Tab, maybe you should go see if she’s still outside.” I knew Lexi was right, but I wanted no parts of Laila in that moment. Her crazy was on 1000 and I figured it was better to just let her cool off alone than to run after her and say something that could push her even further into the red. I still had no idea how any of what either Lexi or I just said would have set her off like that. In spite of my reluctance, I slowly made my way to the door, pushed my way outside and looked for any sign of her or her car on either side of the street. She was gone. Feeling slightly relieved, I stepped back in to rejoin Lexi in the kitchen.

  When I came back in, Lexi had a quizzical look on her face and was staring at me. “What was she talking about?” Lexi asked. “What was she talking about when she said, ‘did you tell her?’” Lexi looked at me, with her face contorted showing a mixture of confusion and suspicion.

  “I have no idea…” I said, honestly. And then, my mind clicked. Oh…my God. Oh no. How could I have been so stupid? The realization must have registered on my face, because Lexi asked me again.

  “What?” she said, searching my face. “You have to have some idea.”

  “Nope,” I lied. “I have no idea.” I was caught in a Catch-22. Laila already thought I told Lexi about her situation, but I hadn’t. I would never violate that trust. So even now, I held the line, in spite of the conflict that I felt.

  “Why don’t I believe you, Tabby? Laila is crazy, but she’s not that crazy. What do you know?” I hesitated. I didn’t want to lie
to Lexi’s face, but Laila’s business wasn’t mine to tell either—even if she was convinced that I already told. I tried to stop the flooding in my mind of prior conversations with Laila, swallowing the memories so that I could process it all in private. Without Alexis trying to pry me open. I was being a good friend—to both of them. Except, in the reality of this moment, being a good friend to both was impossible. I headed over to get my wine glass, trying to pretend like I was still searching my mind for Laila’s truth.

  “You know Laila,” I said taking a sip. “It could be anything.”

  “Why would she think I’d call her a whore though Tabby?”

  “How should I know? You know her just as well as I do,” I said, thinking about their secret sisterhood at Post & Beam.

  “I know her?”

  “Well, it seems like the two of you have gotten extra close. She knows stuff about you that I don’t. Remember, ‘Ask Alexis?’” I said, reminding Alexis of the moment. I didn’t mean to go there, but I couldn’t help it.

  “You can’t be serious, Tabby,” Lexi said looking annoyed. “Laila and I had some random conversation one day waiting for you! This is hella petty.”

  “Oh, so you’re from the Bay now too Alexis?” I said. I was feeling petty now anyway. It was that kind of day. Plus, Alexis had zero appreciation that I just got in a fight with my other best friend because of her—trying to keep her information private.

  “Get a life Tab. Grow up.” Me? Grow up? Coming from Mrs. Thing?

  “You know what? You are a judgmental bitch, Lexi. Always have been. I’m leaving.” I picked up my keys and headed toward the door.

  “And you’re a lying bitch!” Lexi yelled. I flipped around and looked at her, blinking slowly for certainty the moment was real.

  “Oh really Alexis?” I said. “Fuck you!” All I saw was red as I reached for the door. I could not get into my car soon enough. I heard Alexis shout after me.

  “Fuck you too Tabitha!” My oldest and best friend spit my name out like rancid wine.

  I walked so quickly to my car, I thought my stiletto heels were going to splinter. If I could have made it to Crestmire then, I would have, but I could barely see far enough through the tears to drive the 10 minutes back to downtown.

  I had already lost my eggs, my boyfriend, my friends, my house and my savings. On this night, I felt like I was also losing my mind. I called Laila on the way home. Six times I let it ring through all the way to voice mail. She didn’t even send me so much as a text back. When I got home I texted her.

  Me: Laila, call me. I didn’t tell Lexi anything.

  Me: Please?

  Me: Are you ok?

  Me: I just left you a message. Call me back.

  Nothing.

  Chapter 27

  A couple of days without your friends tells you a lot about who they are to you. As much as I missed him, not talking to Marc had rolled off me like water. But not talking to either Alexis or Laila was a feeling of walking into work every single morning like I forgot something important at home. I carried the feeling around all the time, like the forecast called for rain, and realizing, once you made it to the office, that grey clouds were actually beginning to gather and you had no umbrella. It was that kind of missing—the kind that you fix. You fix it not because you should, but because you have to, or it ruins you.

  Every day I texted Laila, and like never before in our friendship, she didn’t respond. I followed up with a call, just to be sure, and she didn’t answer. Laila had a hot temper, but only rarely was it ever directed at me. I decided to give it a full week before I resorted to going to her apartment. Alexis, on the other hand, I had been in so many fights with since childhood, I knew exactly what to expect. Eventually, time would suffocate the flames of anger, much like baking soda on a stove fire. Soon enough, it would become perfectly safe to re-enter our friendship with no visible damage. I wasn’t worried about Lexi, but I missed her something awful.

  I sat in my office contemplating sending her a text, when I heard Chris’ voice in my doorway. I put the phone down and immediately tried to look busy.

  “Hey Tabby, you have a second for me?” Chris said, already walking in my door towards one of my guest seats.

  “Hey Chris, I was just finishing up some scheduling, but come on in,” I said, gesturing to my empty chairs facing my desk even as he was lowering his frame between the armrests. “Ok to leave the door open?” I asked, motioning to get up.

  “Yes, door open is fine. Actually, I prefer it.” I sat back down. He leaned forward in his chair to rest his elbows on his knees. “Scott Stone gave notice today.”

  “As you predicted.”

  “Yes, as predicted,” Chris said. “I’ve had some time to think about it, as you can imagine, and I’ve decided I want to do something different, to switch things up a bit.” I braced myself for what would come next.

  “Tabitha, I want you to hire Scott’s replacement. That person is going to become part of your permanently assigned reporting team.” I hoped that Chris would continue speaking because I needed time to process his words. “This is part of a larger change I’m making. All of the senior reporters are going to have their own reporting teams.” I couldn’t tell if this was a good or bad thing. My skepticism must have shown on my face, because Chris answered my thought as a follow up. “This is going to allow for more thorough investigative reporting, more complex stories, more depth!” Scott said excitedly. “It’s what our viewers want. They’re tired of being told what to think—they want to think for themselves. They want us to present all angles, all sides, to do the work, uncover the facts, give the complete picture and let the viewer use her own mind!” Chris said with the energy of a stump speech. I sat there wondering if I should clap.

  “Sounds like big changes.”

  “Very big. And it’s going to be a big opportunity for you also. For all of the senior reporters. I want you each to take more responsibility for the ratings. Your compensation, your success, your trajectory here will be dependent on it. You’ll have a real chance to make an impact.” I started to feel a slight tinge of nervous anxiety start to rise. Sure, what Chris was describing was a huge opportunity, but it also meant more responsibility, more work, and more time. Strangely, all I could think about was my egg freezing appointment. I’m not going to be able to do this now, I thought. But I had to. Somehow, I was going to have to do both—do everything, even though deep down, I felt like I was already failing miserably at the things that mattered most. How could I start an egg freezing cycle in two weeks, with this news? And how would I find the time I’d need for not one cycle, but three? I made a mental note to call Dr. Young’s office.

  “I’m excited about this Chris,” I said, with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. “I’ve got some great ideas for the next newsroom meeting.”

  “Great! Just great!” He said as he worked to squeeze himself out of his chair. “I’ve got parent teacher conferences today. I think I missed the damn appointment, but guess it can’t hurt to try to show up anyway.” I looked at Chris’ bare left hand. I’m sure he was divorced. He lived and breathed the news station. It was starting to become clear that he wanted me to do the same. At least I had no marriage on the horizon to screw up.

  Once Chris was safely out of eyesight, I pulled out my phone again. The message I had been contemplating to send to Lexi, I pulled up again and changed it to current news.

  Me: OMG, Scott Stone quit today.

  Lexi: What?? Because of you?

  Me: Basically. Now I’m hiring his replacement.

  Lexi: You’re hiring?

  Me: Yeah, Chris is giving me a permanent team.

  Lexi: Big time!

  Lexi: I’m sorry, btw.

  Me: Me too.

  Me: Have you heard from Laila?

  Lexi: No. I haven’t reached out yet though. Have you?

&
nbsp; Me: Yeah, she won’t respond. I’m starting to worry.

  Lexi: Don’t worry. She’ll come around.

  Lexi: Rob and I started therapy. Dr. says that you can’t own what isn’t yours.

  Me: Sounds wise.

  Lexi: Should have done this years ago.

  Lexi: He finds new ways to apologize every week.

  Lexi: Maybe I’ll keep him, lol

  Me: Yeah, maybe he’s the rare type

  Lexi: What’s that?

  Me: Granny Tab says the rare type is the guy who keeps trying

  Lexi: Yeah, maybe so. I don’t know if I am though. Still deciding.

  Me: I understand. Gotta run. Work is cray now.

  Lexi: See you Sat if not before! <3 <3

  Lexi and I always fought and made up the exact same way. That’s also because we never fought about much. And I guess like my dad said, one day, you just know that you’re gonna make it. Lexi and I had a friendship like that for certain. What worried me is that I still hadn’t heard from Laila and to the contrary, we had never had a fight like that before. As I had been doing every day, I pulled out my phone and tried again.

  Me: Laila, can you call me?

  Me: It was a misunderstanding with Lexi. Easy to explain.

  Me: Are you ok?

  Still, nothing.

  Chapter 28

  By the end of the week, I still had not spoken to or gotten any kind of response from Laila, which evolved my concern to escalating worry. Marc still hadn’t reached out and neither had Todd to “remind” me to reschedule our date. This meant that I was still down one bestie, one boyfriend and one potential. Although, I’ll admit the Todd thing was totally my fault, and it was probably too late to fix it. Granny Tab had called me twice in the past week, once just to chat and a second time to let me know that Ms. Gretchen had gone on a weeklong road trip with one of her seniors traveling groups. She also asked if I was definitely coming this week, which I had done nearly every Saturday without fail over the past six months that she’d lived at Crestmire, so I assumed that she was just really lonely without saying it. Even if it’s just a week, it’s a special kind of missing someone when your best friend is away.