sometimes following you dreams means breaking your heart

by Claire Gough

  She strokes my back as I try not to let the tears fall. I won’t cry. Not here, not over Mitch. I’m sure I’m going to do so much crying over him in the next few days, I refuse to start while he's still here.

  I take a deep breath and pull away, giving Jill my best fake smile. I tug on the record player until it comes free.

  “Thank you so much,” I say as I head up the stairs with the record player, which is so much lighter than the box full of records. I’ll take it to my room, then come back for the box.

  “You’re welcome. They were always yours anyway.” Jill watches me, her arms folded. “Alexis?” I turn to look at her. “Do me a favour and don’t waste one minute while he's still here.” She smiles sadly.

  I stare at her and wonder if she’s talking from experience with Uncle Bert. He was here one day, then gone. Did she feel like they wasted time?

  “And, please, don’t hide him from us.” She winks.

  I blush a little, but nod. I receive her message loud and clear. I plan on savouring every last bit of Mitchell Finnley that I can until the moment he leaves.

  The rain trickles down the window, the harsh wind blowing the raindrops into the glass, splatting them like water balloons. I fold my arms across my chest. It’s warm in the lounge, but I’m cold from watching the rain, especially because I know Mitch is out there somewhere.

  I unfold my arms, blowing out a breath, when I see them rushing up the front steps. Their laughter fills the space as the door flies open, the guys stumbling in, soaked and breathless.

  “Hey,” I say, leaning against the wall, watching them laugh and fall about.

  “Hey, Alex. It’s a bit wet out there,” Cole pants, resting his damp hand on my shoulder. I smile at him. I can’t believe he's talking to me like a normal human being right now.

  “I noticed,” I reply, but my eyes are on Mitch.

  He's in his usual worn leather jacket, his hair dripping. I start to feel weak in the knees, thinking back to our time in the shower last night.

  “You guys get a lot done?” I ask as Mitch runs his hand over his wet hair, messing it up. I try not to gulp. He smiles his crooked smile at me, as if reading my thoughts.

  “Yeah, I think we did,” Cole answers, looking at him.

  “I know we have a date. Give me a few minutes.” Mitch smiles, pulling out the familiar brown notepad from inside his jacket. I wonder how much he'd hate me if he knew I'd peeked inside and read some of the lyrics. He runs up the stairs, two steps at a time.

  “Fin, wait for me. I have to get ready to see Bee,” Brad calls, jogging up the stairs after him.

  “I tried, you know.”

  Cole’s voice startles me. I turn to look at him. He shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans, his long hair soaked through. Silently, Jay walks past us and up the stairs.

  “Tried to what?” I ask.

  “Tried to get us more gigs to give you more time together.” He gives me a sympathetic smile. “I know he doesn’t believe me, but I have. I’m still trying to get us more, but it’s hard now that Mark’s found out Bee’s with Brad. He doesn’t feel like helping us out too much at the moment.”

  I cringe. I should have warned him.

  “Thanks, Cole. That actually means a lot.” We smile at each other. I know this is his version of an apology and it’s sweet. It shows he cares about Mitch, despite everything.

  “You mean a lot to him, Alex. You know that, right?” His voice is suddenly serious.

  I can’t take this. Everyone telling me how much we mean to each other. It’s only been a week! Cole stares at me. I know I can’t snap at him. He’s only just started being nice to me again.

  “Well… He means a lot to me, too, Cole,” I reply quietly. This is the most honest I’ve been about my feelings for Mitch since I realised I had them. It seems that was all Cole needs to hear. He nods, then walks past me and up the stairs.

  I watch the rain pelt against the window. It’s sort of therapeutic, taking my mind off everything else. I smile when a pair of hands slides around my waist from behind and a chin rests on my shoulder. I smell the familiar scent of mint shampoo and Mitch’s aftershave. I lean into his body.

  “It’s raining,” he says into my ear.

  “Yep, it really is.”

  It’s 6:00pm, the time we agreed to meet, but I am not dressed for a date. I’m in a long-sleeve blue top and jeans.

  “Still want to go out in this?” he asks.

  I shake my head. “If you want to still go, I’ll go, but I was thinking another night in.” I turn to face him.

  He grins. “It’s like you planned the rain.” He bends down to kiss me, but I stop him.

  “There is one thing you have to do first, though, and it could be quite embarrassing.”

  He smiles, intrigued. “Okay…”

  I take his hand and lead him toward the door to our living area.

  “Hello?” I call as I drag Mitch down the stairs and into the living quarters. Jill and Alistair are sitting on the sofa with their backs to us. They turn around.

  “Hello, sweetheart… Oh... Hello, Fin,” Jill says.

  In the interest of not hiding him anymore, I thought he’d better say hello before I drag him to my room again.

  “Hello.” He smiles, tucking his hands into his back pockets. He seems almost nervous, which is crazy. He’s seen Jill so many times. He even cooked breakfast with her Saturday morning. I guess it’s the circumstances. They both grin back at us.

  “I just wanted to show Fin everything we got out of storage this afternoon,” I tell her.

  “I think that's a great idea. Would you like anything to eat first?”

  “We’re okay. Thanks. We might order in later if you fancy joining us.”

  Jill nods. “Sounds lovely.”

  I take Mitch’s hand and lead him into my room.

  “What things did you get out of storage?” he asks as I shut my door behind us.

  “This.” I point to the record player on the floor to the left of my bed, the box of records next to it. Some are already spread across the floor.

  “Alex... Are these what I think they are?” he asks, walking over to the record player. He sits down, cross-legged, but he doesn’t touch them, almost as if he thinks that would be a step too far.

  “Yeah.” I lean against my bedroom door, watching him peer into the box of records, but he still doesn’t touch them.

  “Wow,” he whispers. I smile at the amount of respect he shows my parents, even though they are no longer here.

  “It’s okay. You can touch them.” I cross the room and join him, sitting on the floor. The record player has been plugged in for the past two or three hours, but I haven’t been brave enough to play a single record. I now realise I was waiting for Mitch.

  “Would you like to listen to some?” he asks, looking up at me.

  “Well, it is Sunday.” I sigh. I don’t know how I am going to react to this. “That was the day my dad used to get them out. I’ve been trying to it for hours, but haven’t been able to.” I give him a small smile.

  “Would you like to do it, or would you like me to?” He takes hold of my hand, giving it a little squeeze.

  “Could you, please?” I whisper.

  He grasps a record and puts it on the player. I feel his eyes on the side of my face as he puts the needle on the vinyl.

  I hold my breath, waiting. I instantly recognise the song as “Wonderful Land”. How do I remember that now? I wouldn’t have been able to yesterday. Now I remember every note, like I’ve listened to it every day since I was a kid. Tears sting my eyes just as Mitch's hand returns to mine.

  Hearing that gorgeous guitar music, I am instantly transported back to one of those Sunday afternoons with my dad. It doesn’t matter which Sunday because they were all the same. I loved Sundays! Everyone in my class hated them because it meant school the next day, but I loved them.

  I close my eyes. I can see our huge front window, my dad standing at i
t, rocking on his heels with his hands in his pockets as he told me how this was the song that got him hooked on The Shadows.

  I can smell the roast beef coming from the kitchen, the pots and pans clinking as Mom moves around. She hums along to the music while she makes dinner. Dad always told her to stop, but she still did it anyway.

  How have I not remembered any of this? How have I had these memories stored for so long and not actually remember them?

  “Tell me about it, Alex,” Fin whispers, squeezing my hand. I haven’t realised I am silently crying, tears rolling down my face.

  “This song… Dad told me this was the song that got him hooked on The Shadows. Everyone else fell for that other song they did, I can’t remember the name, but this one started it all for him.” I wipe my eyes, trying not to smudge my makeup. I laugh. These are happy tears just as much as sad ones. These are memories I thought I’d lost. I’m happy to realise I still have them, yet sad my parents aren’t here with me anymore. God, what I wouldn’t give to have my mom cooking Sunday dinner…or have Dad give Fin the “dad speech”.

  “Mom always used to hum along. Dad hated it, but she couldn’t stop herself.” Fin smiles.

  “I’m sorry. I just miss them so much,” I whisper and rub under my eyes.

  “God, Lexi. Of course you do. Don’t apologise for it.”

  “I had it all planned… I was going to share my memories of my parents with you. Seeing as you don’t have any good ones of your birth parents, I thought you could share mine.” I laugh at the idea. It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud.

  His eyes widen. “Lexi... That has to be the sweetest idea.”

  I shake my head. “It was a dumb idea.”

  He places his finger under my chin, lifting my face to look at his. “It’s a lovely idea, Lex. I know it must be a hard thing for you to do.” He gently runs his thumb along my jaw, as if I might break if he applies too much pressure.

  “I thought I’d forgotten them, Mitch. I really did. I thought the memories were gone forever, but the past few days…” I stop and swallow.

  He pulls me to him as my tears fall. I feel safe with his arms around me, my head on his shoulder.

  “I...,” I start, but I need to calm myself first.

  I pull out of the safety of his arms, but he leaves one around my shoulders. He can obviously see how vulnerable I am right now, but he needs to know why I can’t just give up everything I've worked toward for whatever this thing is between us. He needs to know why I’ve worked so hard, why I can’t let anything stop me now, not when I’m so close.

  “This is the reason my B&B is so important to me, Mitch. One night, after Aunt Jill and I got back from visiting Uncle Bert in the hospital, we started talking about this place and my mom. She told me my mom's dream once was to start a B&B out here. All four of them planned on doing it together. Then Mom found out she was having me and decided it was probably best to stay in Birmingham, but they always loved it here.”

  I look at Mitch. His eyes are filled with pain.

  “That’s why this is important to me. That’s why I have to do this, Mitch. For them.” My voice cracks, but I manage to hold the tears back.

  “Alexis, that’s too much pressure to put on yourself. Your parents would want what every parent should want for their child—for you to be happy.”

  I shake my head fiercely. “I didn’t put the pressure on myself. I survived, Mitch. God knows why he chose me, but for some reason, I survived the crash. I survived to do something with my life…to honour them, to do it for them. I owe it to them.”

  “Alexis…” He sighs, closing his eyes, his voice full of pain.

  “Every day since I lost them, I have asked myself the same question over and over. Why me? Why did I survive? Why was I chosen to carry on without them? The only reason I can think of is to finish what they had planned before I arrived, before I changed everything for them.”

  “You’ve been carrying this guilt around with you since you were ten?”

  I shrug. To me, it’s not guilt. It’s just what makes sense. The universe chose to keep me alive when it took them away from me. What other reason is there to take a child’s parents away from them if not to live the life they wanted before it was taken from them?

  “It’s the only thing that makes sense to me, Mitch,” I say. He tries to pull me to him, but I hold my hand up to stop him. “seriously, I mean it. Tell me any reason I survived and they didn’t. Please, just any other reason.”

  He shakes his head. He takes my chin in his hand and forces me to look at him. “Alexis, life does things to us without a reason. You can’t keep questioning it or looking for a logical explanation because it will drive you crazy. Sometimes shitty things just happen to us. It’s not your fault. You can’t keep looking for a reason when there isn’t one.”

  More tears spill out of my eyes. I know what he's trying to say, but I have been considering this from all angles since I was ten. What other reason could there be for the universe robbing a child of her parents? There has to be a good reason. The world wouldn’t be that cruel, would it?

  “I just want to do this for them. I have to do this for them, Mitch.” I squeeze my eyes shut, forcing the last few tears out of my eyes.

  He leans toward me. “I know, Lex,” he whispers before his lips cover mine.

  I stop breathing. I can’t believe how he can erase everything I was just feeling. The pain, the guilt, and the heartache all seems to fade, replaced with an urgent need for him.

  I slide my hand into his hair, keeping his lips to mine. It makes me feel safe, connected. His mouth moves urgently on mine, like he needs this as much as I do right now.

  I know he's doing for me what I was willing to do for him on that bench the night he told me about his parents. He leans over me, pushing me back until I’m lying on the floor and he's kneeling over me. He pulls away, looking into my eyes, as his hands work on undoing my jeans. He slides them down my legs, watching my reaction.

  Everything feels right as he slides me out of my clothes. I work on the button of his jeans as he pulls his t-shirt over his head. His lips crash back to mine. I need him right now, The Shadows continuing to play in the background.

  I stare at the ceiling, trying to catch my breath, as Mitch stands. He holds his hand out to me. I look at it for a moment before I take it. He pulls me up. When did he put his jeans back on?

  “Come, lie down with me.” He slides his t-shirt over his head, then walks to the bed and gets comfy on what is quickly becoming his side of my bed. I search for a few items of clothing to throw back on, settling for a vest top and shorts.

  I climb into bed and lay my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat as it starts to slow.

  “Come visit me, Lexi,” he whispers.

  I groan and start to slide off him. I can’t cope with this right now. He's killing the high I just got off his body.

  He wraps his arms around me to stop me from moving.

  “Alex…”

  I sigh loudly. “I can’t, Mitch. I’ve told you why opening my B&B is so important to me. Please, don’t ask me to put that aside. I can’t.”

  “I know. It’s just...” He sighs. “It’s hard to think this will all be just a memory in a few days.”

  I feel the tears in my eyes again. I’m so sick of crying. I don’t want him to leave, but I have dreams and a plan. A plan he helped put into motion.

  “It’s hard for me, too, you know,” I confess as he strokes my hair. I glance up at him. He looks deep in thought.

  “Okay, how about this. No matter how long it takes, promise me that once your B&B is all set up, you'll contact me,” he says, turning his face to me. His eyes are dark.

  “Mitch, that’s too—”

  “Promise me!” he snaps. His voice is stern and dripping with authority.

  How can I promise that? That could take months, maybe even years. I doubt he'd still want to hear from me then. I doubt he’d still remember me. He wi
ll have moved on, and maybe I will have, too…although I very much doubt that.

  “Alex, please…” He closes his eyes for a second before looking at me again.

  “Okay,” I sigh, knowing it’s a lie.

  Once I am up and running, I can’t worry about a guy. I can’t have my head filled with Mitch. He's only been here a week, but I have let so many of my duties slide just to be with him. I can’t afford to do that with my own place. I just won’t have that luxury. I know running a B&B on my own is going to be hard and will take every bit of strength in me.

  He nods, seemingly satisfied. I let my head drop back to his chest again.

  “Chinese tonight?” I ask, rubbing his chest.

  “You read my mind.” His hand caresses my back.

  I stand up and walk to my mirror. I need to make sure I look presentable before I slip out of the room to ask Jill and Alistair what they'd like.

  What the hell is that noise? I groan. Ugh… My alarm.

  How is it Monday already? Before I can shut of the phone, I feel the bed move beneath me. I smile when I see Mitch’s arm reach over me to my phone on the bedside table. The alarm stops. He kisses my cheek.

  “I think that means we have work to do,” he says in a rough voice.

  I roll onto my back and look up at him as he props himself up on his elbow.

  “We?”

  He smiles. “Yeah. I’m working with you today. Two pairs of hands are better than one, right?”

  “But… It’s work.”

  He laughs. “Yeah, it is. But it’s also probably my last day here, and I don’t plan on letting you out my sight…unless it’s to use the bathroom.”

  I laugh, even though his words make my insides twist into a knot. I really hope Cole manages to book another gig. I’m not ready for my last day with Mitch yet.

  “After I’ve showered and gotten dressed, that is.” He smiles and kisses my forehead before slipping out of bed to put on some clothes. I feel my heart pulling to him. I guess I don’t want to let him out of my sight, either.

  “See you for breakfast,” I say as light-hearted as I can.